Worried Butterfly
And so begins the "rest of my life." i start work tomorrow. part-time, but work all the same. One part of my life supposedly behind me for good. am i ready? am i prepared? i don't really know. I probably feel a bit nerovous more than anything else. whether that's a good or bad thing, i don't know. to be honest, i could probably live with a bit more 'down time' before i really get right back into it.
at least this time around i haven't been wandering around the house 'in shock' over honours being over. which i suppose is a good thing because i get to bypass all those shock circuits and go straight to the good bits: having fun. well, i don't know if you can really classify it as having 'fun' per se... probably more like, 'relaxing' without feeling guilty. yeh.
I just hope that everything goes smoothly tomorrow. you know, probably the thing that's weighing most on my mind is the administration stuff. negotiating for my salary, making sure i have a contract, etc etc.
to be honest, i'm still trying to get my head around the mundane stuff - what to wear to impress? what time do i get to work? since i have a workpass should i just make my own way there? or should i wait outside at reception? what if the new boss turns up late? how do i while away the time? etc etc.
least i know where i'm having lunch tomorrow. my favourite pub with my good ol' $10 steak. they better still be offering it, that's all i can say. although what that says about me, that i'm worried about things changing after being away for a measly 2 months beats me.
if nothing else, i better make sure i go to bed early tonight. the train leaves tomorrow at 7.50am.
As of tomorrow, I'm gonna be out in the 'real world.'
*gulp*
Am i really ready for all that it's going to throw at me? Or will I find myself running back into the familar warm clutches of acadaemia?
Most importantly though, will everyone be happy to see me? I just want everything to work out ok. and right now, i'm worried that i'll stuff things up - even if i have been there for 3 years.
I think one of the other things that i'm worried about, is getting bored. I've worked 5 days in a row before. by the end of the second week i was dying. so bored and ready to move on. and now that this is just about permanent... i'm worried that if i get bored, i'll have no outlet. day in, day out. sitting in front of a computer with people who aren't necessarily mean (in fact, they're very nice), but who aren't exactly the best friends you've known/had since primary school either. get me?
*sigh*
guess i'll just have to wait until tomorrow to find out huh?
*double gulp*
Terrified Butterfly
You messaged me this afternoon. A sweet “get the essay off ok?” sms. I was tempted to reply but declined. I am troubled by the mixed emotions I feel. You suddenly have time to reach out and try and be friends with me. If I was that important to you, you would’ve made some attempts to contact me and maintain friendly relations during the thesis period. Oh wait, who am I kidding? You did sms me twice. Once to sort’ve ‘check up on me’ on our mutual deadlines, and then a week later to tell me that your supervisor sucked. How romantic and endearingly sweet.
Stay away from me, so that I can exorcise my demons in peace. I never want to see you again. I want you out of my life. I’m sorry that we can’t be friends. I have accepted that we can no longer be together. But in doing so, I have built up the walls of my pride higher than I have ever had before. I don’t want to fall anymore. It hurts too much to try again with you. Please don’t make this difficult for me. Please.
I am so terrified of loving you. I’m scared that if we became friends again, I would quickly fall back into that emotional quagmire, fall back in love with you. I'm scared that I will read into things that aren’t there. I don't want to love you again. Because i know that in doing so, I will fall again. And I don't want to face that. I don't want to fall. To break into little pieces like shattered glass. Only this time around, I won't have a thesis to throw myself into. I won't have a honours year to glue myself back together again. It will be ten times worse for me this time around, if I take up your offer of friendship and then discover that at the end of the day that your desire to stay in contact with me is only for the sake of being 'friends'. I have harboured so much more. We had the potential to be so much more.
Can we really be friends?
It just doesn’t seem fair in my mind to have accepted your rejections and then come running back to you the minute you start beckoning. Why does everything have to be what *you* want?? What about me? Why couldn’t you have ever done anything that *i* wanted? You made out everything like you would only do things that I asked if it was ‘ok’ with you. Not because you genuinely wanted to please me or whatever. It was more, ‘well I guess so. I think I could live with that’ sort’ve attitude. And that’s not exactly fair. Most of the time it seems like the ball was constantly in your court, and you took advantage of it.
Lately I remember what it was like to be single, and to be honest, it’s not so bad. Or maybe the euphoria of finishing my Honours year is competing with notions of singledom. Who knows. All I know is that I am happy. So please don’t ruin it by coming into my life and putting up my hopes again. Expectations and disappointments are one of the cruelest couples that can enter a person’s life. They’ve already come to me twice. Do I really want them a third time round? Are you willing to risk my feelings again? how genuine are you really? Can you guarantee me that you're here for good this time around? regardless of all the claims that you stick by your friends, and if you're around, you don't plan to leave - for a very long time. buddy, you already left. So before you start/continue/stop smsing me to test the waters, have a good long think. What do you really want? Are you truly prepared for the consequences of hurting me again? Can you guarantee me that you will not disappoint me?
Think about that. A lot.
Troubled Butterfly
Last point of contact. He msged me around 6 today asking if I was going to the dinner. I ended up responding because I wasn’t just standing him up, I was standing up the entire class. I explained that I’d lost the organiser’s email address and couldn’t get through to let them know I was taking advantage of the extension, and to send my apologies. He msged back saying “ok… Thanks for letting us know. Hope it goes well.” My immediate reaction is indifference.
After a few minutes however, some funny feelings wager in my stomach and in my mind. On one hand, my mind is rationalizing that this is for the best. I am taking ‘the road less traveled.’ I am forging ahead with my own life, I am not in his eyes, pining, and I will sweep him aside. I don’t need him. He did not deserve the long nights of tears and heartache. You are scum, best left on the wayside. I am strong, I am mighty, I am woman. =P Yet, at the same time, my stomach somersaults and my mind whirs in tandem, contemplating girlish desires that he might think of me and wonder why I am so stand-offish.
If I had gone tonight, do you think he would’ve made an attempt to talk to me, to become friends? How childish and naieve of you to think that we could still be friends. I know that what you did wasn’t necessarily wrong. And I know that you tried the best you could to keep us together. But frankly, I don’t think you did a good enough job. I know that I only have myself to blame. After all, you didn’t ask for me to hang on the way I did. And you certainly didn’t ask for me walk on eggshells around you. I chose to do that of my own free will. Therefore, you could technically walk away with a free conscience. Unless of course you love me, then you may feel terrible that you had to put me through this ordeal at all. But I digress.
So yeh, I know that if you take an objective view of all this, what you did was perfectly reasonable and justified. And in turn, I bet that you don’t even think twice over me not turning up tonight. You might have a passing thought that I was doing this to spite you, but I don’t know if you honestly think that much anyway. I don’t care how sensitive or insensitive you may be deep down. I made a decision two weeks ago to step away. And step away I shall. After all, I don’t think we can hold a decent conversation anymore. You may, but I don’t think I can.
I probably didn’t handle us very well. I’m most likely responsible for a lot of the angst running through us, and I’m definitely responsible for the feelings of anger and rejection that I feel in the aftermath of us. Because in my vanity I made a mountain of out a tiny eensy weensy molehill. And I do believe that if we were in the same room together, nine times out of ten I would most likely vent all my pent-up anger and hurt at you. My fanciful thoughts tend towards the idea that I loved you. I know one thing for certain is that my affection for you was genuine. I genuinely cared for you. Despite all my shallowness and desire to be constantly showered in displays of affection from you, I genuinely respected and desired you. Let’s not go into the shady realms and discussions of love. Suffice to say that I cared. A lot.
So in me dealing with your departure I have opted for the only way that I know I can handle us no longer being anything more, by assuming that you do not love me and do not want me. Why? Because it’s easier to deal with the black and white than it is to deal with the greys. The greys make you think. The greys stop you from sleeping. The greys give you headaches, and the greys only make things more complicated than they could actually be in the long run.
I just personally don’t think that I can hold a mature conversation with you. It probably says a lot about me, that I can’t let it all be water under the bridge. To be frank, I don’t think I could bear to be around you – ever. The pain and knowledge would just be too great. And I truly hope that you’ll suffer. And even if you don’t, just stay the hell away from me, so I don’t have to know the true reality and can blissfully fall asleep each night imagining all the torturous emotional upheavals that you will go through because you scorned me.
No, this butterfly is not bitter. Not bitter by far. Ha! =P
I am ready to let go. I am. I am ready to move on. I want to progress into my life, and I have accepted the fact that this life does not include you. You cancelled yourself out of the equation that first day of Spring when you told me that you didn’t know what you wanted. And to be honest, I don’t want to go back there. I don’t want to fall for you again. Because I know that I could so easily fall for you again. And I don’t want to be hurt anymore. That black abyss, that pain and suffering that I went through those first few weeks nearly killed me. I never thought there would be a time when I would feel like I was facing a brick wall, and that there was no exit for me. That’s what it felt like when you left. It was like the end of the world. And me, the ‘normal’ ‘real’ me, has always been one that’s stuck to optimism to get me through life. To fall so far from that reality, into this black hole where the object of my desire was barred from me, killed me.
Perhaps I was being too dramatic. Perhaps I should’ve accepted your rejection gracefully. But I guess I’m just not emotionally mature enough to handle that sort of rejection. I mean, it’s not like you left me for another girl. It’s not like you cheated on me, or lied to me. In your deepest of hearts, you may well have lied to me, but I think you lied to yourself too. You let go of a good thing. I hope you realise that. Now that you have time on your hands to think I hope you can take a good look into yourself and realise what you’ve lost. Not just the girl that was ‘everything you ever wanted’, but the girl that you once told that you loved, and opened yourself up to the most.
I trusted you. I opened myself up to you and let you into parts of my psyche that I’ve never opened up to anyone else. I allowed you into parts of my soul that so many others would kill to get into. You seemed to get there so easily. You bypassed all the security checks and the booby traps and made yourself at home, and you were welcome. Yet you threw it all away. Guess it goes to show that what they say is true. No guy ever wants a girl who is easy. You throw yourself at a guy and they walk all over you. Why should they respect you, when you don’t appear to respect yourself? Who cares it if it’s the reality or not? Does it really matter that you’re willing to let down the prickly walls of your pride for someone, when they don’t even appreciate what you’ve done for them?
You broke my trust, and if nothing else, I think there is a possibility that this has taught me a lesson to not open up to anyone. Not so easily. Because I will get hurt. You took advantage of me. You took advantage of my emotional vulnerability. I trusted you, and you threw me away because you didn’t feel that you could give me everything that I deserved.
If you say so. You weren’t even willing to try. Yes, you put us on hiatus for a month, a ‘trial’ of sorts. But so what?
*sigh*
I don’t know. I guess I just hurt. I have no counter-argument for what you did. You were justified. And I guess you did try. It just hurts to know that I’m not wanted. I’m not the ugliest of girls. Despite all my lack of motivation I can be classified as fairly ambitious. I have goals and desires that I wish to achieve ‘one day’. I can hold a decent intelligent conversation. I’m fairly social, and I can be entertaining, if only to laugh at, as opposed to laughing with. This is me. What’s there not to love? Despite the demands, despite the temper, despite the superficial needs and wants of any girl in a relationship.
I guess if anything this has just shown that I’m not ready for a relationship huh? I’m not ready to give out and commit. Not that I’m looking for a marriage partner. I’m just looking for genuine companionship. You’re probably as confused as I. You probably want friendship and love. And maybe we went about things all wrong. I know that people make mistakes. I just don’t like it when that mistake is me.
No one wants to be the mistake.
Unmotivated Butterfly
I give up. Looks like I will be flopping over that finish line after all. Who says I have to be the "last one standing"?
bah...
give me those blog addresses again. Oh wait, is that a juicy novel? Hey! leave those chocolate bars alone - they're mine! What do you mean I can't watch tv? I can too and will do. I have internet access. bwahahaha! I can do whatever i want. until 5pm when my brother wrestles for the net.
Anyhow,
Time to waste more precious time. I really can't be bothered anymore.
Chastened Butterfly
i just woke up after a horrendously procrastinating evening/morning. went to bed at 5.30 after writing straight for approximately 3 hours (i started at 3.30am). I know. I am so ashamed of myself. It's 11am here. Anyway, I felt the necessity to blog. I had a horrible nightmare as I tried to gather my beauty sleep and my wits. I dreamt that I saw/crashed into him on Thursday when I go to hand in my essay, and I somehow tell him my true feelings that I wanted him so badly while we were occupied during the thesis. The exact details are kinda fuzzy. but basically that either I took him back, or I bared my soul to him once again.
...and it resulted in him breaking my little brittle heart again. I wish i could remember the details so i could blog them. oh well. anyhow, i remember feeling absolutely mortified.
I know that dreams aren't supposed to be taken literally. They in fact represent other things that you think about during the day, and emerge as symbols in your dreams. But I think I might just take this dream at face value and use it as an example as to why I shouldn't ever let down any more barriers towards him. The cost is just too great.
Unproductive Butterfly
Well it's settled. I'm not going into uni tomorrow. I'm taking the deadline, and I'm handing in my essay at 10am. I'm going to sit on a fast train and hop into uni on thursday. Looks like another postponement of my lunch date. *sigh* she'll understand.
In the meantime, guess i should actually start working huh? 4.56... yeah yeah yeah... I'm a walking talking self-destructing machine.
no dinner tomorrow night. I won't see him until graduation. which is a good thing. by then, I will be so over him that I shouldn't even care about anything anymore. good. Things would still be awkward if i saw him tomorrow anyway. I'm tempted to let the people who organised the dinner tomorrow know. unfortunately, I deleted their email. oops. and i can't be bothered going to the effort of finding someone to let them know. too much effort.
It's a good thing I'm not going tomorrow.
Now if only i can rationalise myself into working. My bum's getting tired just sitting all the time. It doesn't help i'm not being really productive as i sit my hours away... *sigh*
Antsy Butterfly
To be honest, I don't know whether I should laugh or cry. It seems that every single social event that I am being invited to lately, I have to turn down. Every social event that I plan and/or organise, I have to cancel. Why? because of this stupid assignment. Because of my stupid academic crap.
I didn't go to the careers conference on saturday (even though it was free for members) because I felt guilty leaving the house. And then I spent the entire day wasting it by chatting to my best friend online.
I cancelled my lunch with my proofreader friend last Thursday because I felt guilty about not having enough time to do work. and then spent the day reading fanfiction.
I've been looking forward to this dinner on Wednesday for over a month. 1. because it's a night out. 2. because i might see him there. and now it looks like there's a high chance I might cancel because of this stupid essay. not to mention the fact that I'm seriously in major trouble here. truly dying as we speak. Blood in the water. I'm a dead floater and there's nothing you or I can do about it.
I'm so tired. I don't know why. I went to bed at 2.30 last night after procrastinating by taking lots of photos on my digital camera. I did get around to doing some reading before I went to bed. But i promised my supervisor a copy of my next draft today. can't do that if I don't write. there have been no changes to the stupid essay since yesterday.
*pulls out hair*
why can't i go to one single social event? why is my life being haunted by academic pieces of writing? why can't i just go out and have fun? why does my conscience play such tricks on me? why can't i just flop over the finish line? who says i have to do well? who cares about honours anyway?
gahhhhh...
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ahriugheuighruihguierahgeuhgtregthareuighre
reaighterightaerightferighaerg
rtgfaehroihertahgdoihr
reuhgruiheroger
I just want a nice fun night out on the town. THAT'S ALL. i just want someone to care. I want my friends to ring me up and drag me out. I want them to make me a part of their lives. is that too much to ask??? I just want to go out. I want to see more than the 4 walls in my room and the wallpaper in my house. I want someone other than my supervisor and my ex to ring me up or msg me. I want a LIFE. is that too much to ask?????
Foolish Butterfly
I feel very foolish. Don't ask me why. My supervisor couldn't meet me today so I've sent him my draft essay. current word count after 24 hours: 1,000 words. At this rate, my first 'decent' full draft will be ready by thursday. *yech*
Looks like i've got two long late nights ahead of me.
I finished the fanfiction. Satisfying end as always. I really should consider stopping all this foolish procrastination and simply just bite the bullet and get things over and done with. You know what i find amazing though? When push comes to shove, say like, in office environs I can do it. I can sit there for 6 hours straight entering data, writing reports, etc etc. and it's fine. i hate doing it, but i do it. and it's done. and it's over.
So why can't i do the same when it comes to uni work? sitting at my desk (yes i finally graduated from crawling out of bed to write) and staring helplessly at the computer screen before my mouse somehow myseteriously hovers over gossamer.com, or the fanfiction i've got saved in my documents.
anyhow, i've sent off the first draft to my supervisor so i can cheat and 'rest' for a few minutes and sneak off to do some fun stuff. *wicked grin* i swear my 'motivation' gene switches off the minute i step into the house. i don't know what it is. maybe i'm just bad when it comes to writing. which isn't really technically true. well, kind've. who knows. maybe my interest and love for this stuff just isn't there anymore. Maybe i'm just all burned out. Or maybe.... i just don't have the right incentive..... $$$$$$
who knows.
Random Butterfly
Well, I didn't get much done yesterday. the fanfiction was too addictive. And i don't know if today's going to turn out any better. I requested a journal article online, and then realised this morning that my inbox isn't really big enough to house it if it comes through. ooops... so i spent the last half hour clearing out my folders. I came across a lot of old emails and suddenly have a strong desire to have lots of company around me.
I went overseas one year and made lots of friends. Reading through all that email correspondence makes me reminisce and wish that I could be back there again. At a time when all the worries in the world surrounded upon where to go for a day, what to do, how many friends I could make, and and how much fun could be gleaned out of a day. *sigh* whereas these days, it's 'how to procrastinate until i *really* have to do the essay' bah...
and my supervisor hasn't replied back yet. Seeing as it's 10am, he won't reply at all. so i'll just have to turn up at his office door and hope that he's ok in seeing me. assuming of course that i actually have something decent to show him. *sigh*
I'm actually looking forward to going back to work next week though. 3 days a week is practically a vacation. =D Means i get to ease into it slowly. and it'll be nice to have people around me again. let's hope that my position will be promptly changed from 'research assistant' to 'media analyst' though. After three years i'm ready for a change.
More on the relationship front later - suffice to say that it's all the same random thoughts floating around in my head bumping in the cranium for more attention and thinking time/space. No major developments or revelations. Just the same ol' same ol...
Sanguine Butterfly
It could still work out y'know. I've decided to settle on my topic. It's basically the one that my supervisor suggested to me last week. It took me practically a week to decide that it was for me. that and sheer desperation.
Looks like I'll be burning the midnight oil again. hell, it's midnight now. But i've emailed him to see if i can see him tomorrow. (yaay). not. means i actually have to do work. gah. i've only got 500 words right now, and the current reread of this selection of fanfiction is *so* addictive. I always love recanvassing favourite novels/fanfiction etc. what do they cal it? back to old stomping grounds. or something like it. I'm just grateful that there are great authors out there who know how to weave a wonderful story for me to sink my teeth into and lose myself in for a few hours.
This is the last run peoples. 3 days. And it will all be over - until graduation in April. Oh, and the possibility of seeing Him on Wednesday. I've been thinking about that off and on actually. Don't know what to do about it yet. I probably have decided in the back of my mind. And i know the chances of him coming to the dinner are slim to none. But if he does... what do i do? Do i care? not really. I'm ready to kick out of my life for good now. Things are looking up in my life once this final assignment is over. I'm actually surprised that I've gotten to this stage where I can seriously feel that I can live without him. Course it could all just be denial crap. who knows. We won't know until I see him next, will i? *rueful smile*
Anyhow, stop rambling. Back to my addictive fanfiction, and then onwards to doing a few more pargraphs or research. I plan to have 5,000 words for my supervisor to look over tomorrow afternoon. here's hoping I can pull it....
Frustrated Butterfly
This essay is killing me. So i didn't go to the careers conference. What did i do instead? I crawled back into bed and slept until midday. I blogged, surfed the net, and suddenly it was 4pm. I took a nap until 7.30. Had dinner. Started writing, and have decided on a change of topic. Now i'm frustrated.
Nothing's fitting in properly. I have no time. I'm going crazy and I still haven't really settled on a topic. And i have no one to turn to. Last time I had frustrations about these coursework essays I ended up talking to Him, who suggested my topic. This time round I can't do that. The only other person who I could even try to turn to for comfort is my ex. And i really don't want to go there. We had an argument of sorts the other night, and since then I've decided that the best thing for me to do is to keep my distance.
He and i had a phone call argument on Sunday night. I was basically told how badly I had treated him and how he needed to know whether or not I was willing to sacrifice a friendship with him. How much he still loved me, and why couldn't I just give him another chance? I don't dare tell him that in actuality, I probably didn't love him. Not really. I mean, yes I cared about him - hell I went out with him for 2 years. But seeing what I see these days, I wonder how often I would run and hide from the truth. Sometimes I wonder how much I really did love him, and how much it was something that i felt compelled to do, how much of it was responsibility, how much of it was something I did just because he wanted me so badly. How much of it was vanity. how much of it had to do with ideas that someone else loved me. Someone finally had the courage to come up to me and tell me how much they wanted and cared for me. And for that alone, I succumbed.
So now, I'm trying my best to do right by him. He swears black and blue that he doesn't care if I use him. But i feel horrible enough. I've used him often enough that I hate myself and i question myself everytime I keep in contact with him. I hate it when he comes by and asks me for help. I don't know why but i get irritable every time he asks for assistance with his masters work. I don't care. I want someone to look out for me. I'm tired of holding his hand, and I'm tired of trying to help him out.
I know that I don't respect him enough. I know that I constantly feel superior. And i know that they are not good things to have when trying to hold a relationship with someone. So for those two factors alone I know that we can't be friends - not the way that he wants.
It's strange though. How lonely I feel these days. I've been having strange dreams lately where there is 'another' guy in my life. I think I miss that presence of having someone. It doesn't matter who. It's not a specific person so much as it is sometimes simply the idea that I have someone to turn to. Someone who cares. And of course, as mentioned above, this person cannot be my ex. Because it's wrong of me. If i can't love the person, if i can't care about him that way, if i can't respect him, then how dare I even try and be friends and ask for his care and assistance?
Perhaps it is simplly because he has a biggest threshold than i. I know there is a line between how much I can take before I snap. I think that maybe if he would just stand up for himself, and quite laying himself down for me, I would respect him. there is no love, if you can't firstly respect the person. And somewhere in those two years he lost my respect. For every moment that he came crying to me for assistance, for every moment that he did something against my expectations and acted like he didn't know what was the difference between right and wrong, my respect for him dropped. And now in his constant attempts to keep in touch with me, my respect for him doesn't grow in any way. and there's no way that I can help him unless i leave. because if i tell him/teach him what it is he needs to do in order to get me back, it defeats the entire purpose. You don't get told by your ex girlfriend how to be a person so as to gain her back. Its not right that she should teach you what you need to do in order for her to return. it's nonsensical and postively stupid.
That was what was so strange about the other guy that I've been chasing down for so long. I never cared or worried about him using me. I was constantly willing to do everything for him. to be everything that he ever needed. As my ex once bitterly told me, 'he treats you like crap, and you go running to him. i treat you with love and respect and you treat me like crap'. I can't explain it. Ironically I think I respect the guy I go after probably because he is so stubborn and he stands up for what he wants. He makes me work for what i want. Whereas my ex basically gave me everything. Which says so many horrible things about me. Why do i hate and respect a person who makes me work for things? Why do I want this person who treats me so badly, why do i want this person to accept me? is there a fine line between a person giving themself to you, opening up, being vulnerable, and showing off a facade that they are invincible?
I want everything it seems. I want a person who can lay bare their soul to me, and at the same time, gain my respect. My ex laid down his soul for me, yet I never respected him. It used to irk me how he would fall into little pieces and tell me he couldn't do his essays. I did the unthinkable and half wrote them for him, because it was the only way i knew how to get him out of the depression funk. I liked that he would be so grateful. But at the same time it irked me that he could just let someone roll over him like that. If i were in his position, I would accept assistance gratefully, but i would refuse for someone to help me write. I find there are some things that you must do yourself. Otherwise the results are never truly yours. Which is why I used to get so funny about my supervisor. Because i constantly worried that I was taking advantage of his kindness and that my thesis was never truly mine, as much as it was a 'collaboration' between my supervisor and I.
So basically it seems I am in a bind. I have been a horrible person. I have treated another human being with disrespect, and disdain. I have used them (no matter how willing they were to be used) and i have done so repeatedly. After being soundly told off on the phone the other night, I have learnt my lesson and know deep down that I cannot have any more contact with him. Because in doing so, I only hurt him. No matter what he says. Because i know that i will treat him badly. I know that i will somehow use him. I will take his hugs and his kisses because i am constantly pining for human contact these days. I want someone to take me in his arms and comfort me, and tell me that everything is ok. I want someone to reassure me that what i write is up to par, and that I can do this. I want someone to give me a plethora of ideas, to inspire me, and promise me that everything I do is correct. And i want to believe so badly. I want to believe that I am capable and not just some half-decent wreck of a human being.
Instead, all that seems to happen is that i stare frustrated at the computer screen and wish to the high heavens that I could write a decent essay and finish my academic career. I'm ready to work now. I'm ready to move on. Why do i need to prove myself with this stupid essay? I've written everything that I've ever wanted to write about. I'm screwed. i know that. After re-reading that last paragraph in chapter 4, i know that my thesis is sucky. I know i detracted from everything. it's all over. so why don't you people just let me move on? Why put me through this one last hell? Why put me through these burning fires? Why not just let me walk away? I can't do this anymore....
Succint Butterfly
I came across a
post a while ago, and have been debating whether to use the content or simply refer you over to the site. I have decided to post up the things that I enjoyed about the post, simply because I can't express my own feelings towards it, without showing you what on earth i'm talking about. The post basically gave a very succint description of what being an 'asshole' entails.
As a person who isn't often forthcoming in expletives, and often wary of putting people in particular demeaning categories, i suddenly find myself noting that if i follow these definitions, whether I choose to label/admit it or not, the person I constantly bemoan over so often most likely is one.
The definitions are below. I have bolded those which I have experienced first hand. For the sake of copyright (after all the below list isn't my own making) I've only picked out the points that I've found most relevant. For the full list, go visit
Just Off Center.
- An asshole is a hypocrite. He is an emotional roller coaster who will, at times when he is behaving, proclaim that the behavior of other assholes is reprehensible and that they deserve to be lonely and unloved. But when the true asshole comes out he needs your attention and your understanding. It isn't his fault he is so misunderstood. He is right all of the time, and nobody ever seems to value his advice. If only you had the ability to see beyond what your friends wanted you to see, you'd know that he is the only person in this world who cares about you enough to tell you what about you should change.
- An asshole can rationalize his behavior. The reason he has made you feel so angry or sad is because he is just looking out for you, remember? He doesn't want you to be like everyone else, who simply refuses to see all the ways that they are wrong. You're better than that. He has taken the time out of his day to explain that the reason you feel he is being unfair is because you have a skewed perspective of right and wrong. If only you would come to understand how blessed you are that you are the train wreck he is trying to prevent. Because then you wouldn't give him such a hard time.
- An asshole holds double standards. Yes, he hurt you when he said what he said. No you are not allowed to say the same thing back. Yes, he wants you to accept that he is the way he is and that you are doing him a disservice by trying to change him. No, that disservice does not extend to prevent you from changing to suit his will. Most every unacceptable thing about you should be accepted about him. And woe betides he or she who tries to make this known.
- An asshole will self destruct when cornered. When you've finally had enough of his shit and have found a way to stand up for yourself beyond what he is able to argue, he will collapse. He will admit not that he is being unfair, nor that he was wrong in that one isolated circumstance. Instead he will volunteer that he is an utter failure at life. He will feel sorry for himself openly and ask that you just leave him already, because he is a terrible person and doesn't deserve your, or anybody else's , company. You will feel bad for hurting him so terribly. You will build him back up. He will take his ego boost and punish you again.
- An asshole knows that he is intelligent and insightful. Why doesn't anybody get that? He knows exactly what is wrong with everyone he meets. He can instantly identify the personality flaw that will allow somebody to upset you. He is fantastic at pointing out how your enemies are weak-minded, immoral, and stupid. He will give you everything you need to feel superior to the world. He has had to develop this skill because everyone knows what an asshole he is.
Guilty Butterfly
I feel horrible. I was supposed to go to a careers conference today. But I feel too guilty to waste an entire day in the city for a conference where the people will only sit around and tell me what it's like to work in government positions. it's not like they're recruiting or anything. and i have a final essay to write that's so not done yet. I wasted yesterday as well. sound of music on dvd. *hangs head*
i feel guilty not attending, but i'd feel guilty attending as well. bah....
I went to bed late last night/this morning, and i'm tempted to get a few more hours of sleep under my belt before i settle down and really start doing work. there's no time!!!
i could honestly still go to this conference, and i could discuss with these bigwigs how i could go about writing my essay and pick their brains. but to be honest, I do wonder how useful the seminar would really be to me in the big scheme of things. not to mention the fact that now i already technically have a job.
anyhow, i crawled out of bed to email the people and let them know i'm not going and iin the process felt guilty enough to blog it out of my system.
now for a few more hours of rem bliss before i drag myself up and do work. as long as i'm productive today i should be able to get rid of the guilt bugs.
Gloating Butterfly
Amazing. the new boss *can* be nice. gah...
I start on November 1. Part time, 3 days a week. guaranteed full time position within the next few months.
I didn't end the phone call as nicely or as smoothly as i could have. No 'Thank you for giving me the opportunity. I look forward to meeting you also. ' Just a very gratuitous 'thank you'. But, yeh, whatever.
ner ner nerr...
Ner Ner Nerr....
*double Nerr*
you can't swipe me away that easily lady. =P LOL
Cursed Butterfly
someone, anyone, just push me to write the stupid essay will you? There's too much temptation out there!!! Xfiles tapes, fanfiction, normal television, I found myself reverting back to Stargate last night for crying out loud! (not there's anything wrong with that television show, it's just that I haven't gotten around to watching it this year).
I seem to be finding anything and everything to keep me occupied and away from doing my uni work. One more essay. And i was told specifically NOT to just make a half-hearted attempt to flop over the finish line. bah.... If only I could be motivated to. What are the chances that I'll just find some stupid movie to watch for the entire day? Oh no, please don't let me predict my demise (again).
Contented Butterfly
Isn't it funny how procrastination is a continual cycle? Isn't it funny how we constantly lie to ourselves, 'i'll do it later' 'after i finish reading this' 'i'll start after lunch'. the list of excuses is endless.
I can't really explain my thought processes this morning/afternoon. I woke myself up at 10 thinking that I'd slept like the dead and it was actually 1pm. So in my surprised stupor I decided to surf the net for a few hours to while away the time. Now i'm just waiting for lunch.
It's been pouring down rain for the last three days, and while it's been very therapeutic (not to mention comforting and sleep-inducing), I hope that Saturday will dawn nice and sunny, because I don't plan to spend a day in the city when it's miserable and wet. Trudging through puddles is not my idea of a good time. Watching *other* people trudging through puddles however...
Well, looks like I'm off to watch X File reruns before I can convince myself that my headaches are brought about by lack of food. Followed by some 'work'. *chokes* I have a 5pm phone appointment to keep this afternoon to confirm my work status. Right now i'm in a contented frame of mind. Let's hope it stays that way. And to be honest, even if I have to work part-time to start off with - it's probably a good thing. Long weekends, here i come! *diabolical laugh*
Relieved Butterfly
Who could've thought it? One little phone call has set me at ease. I feel like an entire burden has been lifted off my shoulders. Last week I rang up my new boss to double check that it was ok for me to go back and work at my old job (but this time with full-time status). Her response was a non-commital, 'i'll need to speak to the CEO, but i'll get back to you'. bah...
I've worked at this company for 3 years as a casual. I've been told countless times in these last three years that I am indispensable. And here was this new boss sauntering in, telling me the time of day. I don't think so lady...
and add to the fact that none of my work colleagues seem to give a damn. Like, they don't even care, after the fact that I had thought that my full-time position in the department was set in stone. We'd agreed that I'd start work on 1st Nov for crying out loud!! I was so upset. My faith in the department was shaken. And of course, this little butterfly's vanity was broken. How could they just dump me??? like that???
So anyway, I ring back today, and was told after two days of phone tag that I can start on Nov 1. ha! I'm supposed to ring back tomorrow to confirm everything, but most likely I will be starting off as part-time before moving on to full-time in December. That's fine by me. As long as i get the $$ i deserve. I even tried to half-bargain on the phone. I was like, 'well i've been there for 3 years now..' and she cut in with, 'i've been told how good you are' *phew*
I must say though, this new boss doesn't seem like she's got much of a sense of humour. sounds pretty bland and dry to me. Mind you, it took me close to two years to get used to my old boss. I used to think he was the devil incarnate for taking over the position of my original boss, who i loved, simply because she wanted to hire me. lol. although what all these executive musical chairs says about the stability of my company beats me. Guess i should take a hard look at what i'm actually getting involved in before my stupid pride takes over again huh?
Who cares. now that I have a place to go back to *mutters* I can relax and go back to happily finding a decent essay topic.
*sigh*
I can't wait until next wednesday when my academic stuff is all over. yeah!
Inspirational Butterfly
Give me a topic to write about. Any topic will do. Just give me something decent to tide me over for the next week. Looking for something to write about for this final essay is killing me.
O great essay topic muse, where art thou???
Fanfiction Butterfly
I have a confession to make. One that is probably defunct in its secrecy based on yesterday's post. But i'll say it again anyway. I used to be an XPhile. Obsessive to the point where I had scrapbooks of articles, X File comic books, collectors cards, novels, episode guides and tapes of episodes from all nine seasons. I also read X File fanfiction (the weakness of all true 'devout' fans).
In the last few days in an attempt to assuage my boredom I found myself strangely turning to fanfiction reading again. If nothing for the sake of looking for something to read to keep my mind off things and fill in the time. And it seems in the process of reading this fanfiction I have rediscovered something. It seems strange, but fanfiction reading can make fans out of normal people. In reading the fanfiction I remember back to a time when my interest in the show was waning, but my interest was rejuvenated through the very process of reading alternate endings, and the emphasis on certain parts of the show that i particularly loved that were not necessarily covered by Chris Carter and his creative crew. Ironically I also find myself digging out old tapes to rewatch the episodes.
This time in reading the huge collection of fanfiction out there, I have come across a funny parallel reading. That fanfiction to me is something appeals simply for what it can represent in our normal lives. Fanfiction is the 'what ifs'. Our realities, much like the tv show's plotlines is determined by things beyond our control. In writing fanfiction we regain some sense of control. They allow us to relive certain moments and envisage different endings. They allow us a path upon which to walk where we can do what we wish as opposed to what we must.
And in some way, it echoes a feeling that I have been harbouring lately. In the context of my life, there have been so many moments where I wish that I could delineate from reality. Where i could indulge in my true desires and pursue things that I truly wanted, where I could honestly throw caution to the wind and have circumstances that were always favourable for me. For example, going to Him 'one last time' to see if we were viable. And having us work out. Or even more ridiculously, being absolutely irrational, and hopping on a plane to Norway and asking my 'friend' if he was still interested. I had a dream last night about my friend in Norway. maybe that's what making have these wistful thoughts.
*shrug* I don't know. The pressure's starting again. I have my final essay to hand in next Wednesday and I started to panic this evening. I don't think I'll have time to write it. I reread my thesis this afternoon in an attempt to start thinking about what I want to write for my final essay and discovered that my last paragraph detracted from my entire thesis. And i got so upset. I have a careers fair to go to this weekend, so I'll be 'out of commission' to write this essay.so littel time... *sigh*
eeeeeek!!!
Ruminating Butterfly
Sometimes I wonder if love was worthwhile. If going through the process of falling in love is worth the pain when things fall apart. When we first broke up the agony that I felt was indescribable. It was the ever-cliched, someone pulling my heart out of my chest feeling. It tore me apart to know that you didn't want me. That you didn't love me. That you refused to have me by your side. That you rejected me, and that our relationship wasn't worth your time.
And there were moments when I swore that I would never be in a vulnerable situation like that again. That I was stupid to have ever ventured out so far on the limb. And that from thereon out, I would no longer do such things. I think since then I have settled into a strange plane of complacency. In the last few weeks I have often wondered about those feelings of hurt and pain. And to be honest, I think that I would probably go and venture out again, and I would risk getting my heart broken again. Why? Most likely because I am a sucker for emotional trauma, and nothing will ever stop me from trying to hurt myself emotionally in order to feel the angst. An emotional martyr in its true self-destructive form. Don't ask me how I got to this conclusion because it will lead me down the path of my past emotional history and lots of over-the-board egotistical dramatics.
Suffice to say that this round of heartbreak has taught me something about myself. I'd like to think that I've grown emotionally. I know I did certain things wrong, and in some way, this heartbreak has essentially cemented things that I'd always wondered about myself. Am i really ready for a relationship? Am I really as selfish as I always thought myself to be, but refused to admit? Am I really so stubborn and stupid when I should be open and willing to compromise?
The time alone has given me a chance to soul-search. I realise that I went into the first relationship very stupidly for the wrong reasons. It sounds horrible to say, but I don't believe I ever truly respected my ex. Not the respect required for true and equal love. I always found myself feeling above him in some form. Be it academically, physically or mentally. It was like I always had to look out for him and 'teach him the ways of the world.' In reality it's most likely that he's superior to me in most forms. But because he loves me enough, he chooses to let me think that I take the lead. It was such a complex relationship.
The other thing that I have realised, and been angsting over for the past two months, is that I often act impulsively. Last night, I was reading fanfiction of all things, and realised something about myself. I am impulsive. I don't really think things through. There are situations in life when you wish that you could do certain things, when you want to throw caution to the wind. and when it comes to relationships, I think I tend to be in the category that does in fact, throw caution to the wind. 'sure, let's try this,' telling myself that if i don't, i'll regret it.
There seems to be a strange credo that I go by in most things: when opportunity knocks, open the door. When it comes to love, i think i apply this credo in the most exagerrated and most likely most un-useful way.
Pop-culture reference:
"Time passes in moments. Moments which, rushing past define the path of a life just as surely as they lead towards its end. How rarely do we stop to examine that path, to see the reasons why all things happen, to consider whether the path we take in life is our own making or simply one into which we drift with eyes closed? But what if we could stop, pause to take stock of each precious moment before it passes? Might we then see the endless forks in the road that have shaped a life? And, seeing those choices, choose another path?"
That's a line from the X Files. Scully said this during the episode where her and Mulder 'get together.' It's a strange episode because it's so different from the others. the main reason being that Gillian Anderson (Scully) was the one who wrote and directed it. But what i find interesting about this quote, is that it talks about 'what ifs'. so tv show analysis aside, let me try and apply this reference to real life.
I have this quote typed up on my wall. I find it encapsulates the way that I see life. For better or worse, I tend to find that often there are moments in my life where things could go either way. And in my mind, why bother going down the straight and narrow? WHy not venture out into those 'paths untread'? Why not go out there and try and experience life? Of course, the problem is that often the repercussions are not what you entirely expect. Looking back on Him and I, I think that the first defining moment was the day after I broke up with my ex. I could've not kissed him. I could've sat back and let us just be friends. But the thing of it was, I was so excited at the thought that I had solved things. That i could finally be with him. That i rushed towards that moment. I wanted him so badly. It was an awkward time for all of us. And in some ways I don't know if i'm proud of what i've done.
I know that I've broken my ex's heart. I know that. And it's something that sometimes I don't dare face to myself. That I fell for another guy, while still in another relationship. And perhaps I was in that first relationship for the wrong reasons. Perhaps I should never have opened the can of worms that was my love life. And perhaps I did settle for a guy who was not everything I wanted. And when I suddenly found a guy who seemed to connect with me on more levels than I had ever imagined possible, I suddenly realised how much I had settled. And so I left. Because I hated myself that I couldn't give the same amount of love to my ex that he was giving me.
It doesn't make me a better person for having left. He loves me completely. I know. It's something that I have to deal with. It's hard to explain the situation that I am in. He believes that we broke up because he did wrong. In some ways he did. In the last few months of our relationship, he showed a side to me, that I had never seen before. And it was a side that I didn't like. And i guess you could argue that you can't really stray from a relationship if that relationship's foundation wasn't as solid as it should be. So it really was a relationship problem. I felt insecure and his actions did not nullify my fears in anyway. At the same time though, I will be honest in saying that I was having my head turned by this guy. It is so hard to explain and justify.
Sometimes I feel like I deserve everything that I get. That it's all just a karmic circle. Which is fair. But, being human I can't help but still feel that I deserve better. There are things that happen in life that you have no control over. And there are others where you realise you do have a hand to play. And sometimes you sit back and wish that you could just forget that you have choices to make things better.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that life is what you make of it. I'm glad in some distanced way that things have happened the way they have. I'm not thrilled about what has happened. I'm not proud of my actions, and I'm definately not impressed with being rejected. But if nothing else it has put my life into a bit of perspective. It has pointed out flaws in my character that I'd always suspected but never dared admit to myself. It has I guess made me grow a little. And in some form, I think I would be willing to go into another relationship. If only for the lessons that I could learn. As horrible as the break-up is. As much emotional toll there is, I think I would be willing to go through it all again. If only for what that experience could teach me. If only for what strengths I can gain from it. It sounds strange to say. To seemingly predict the fall before anything has even begun. But that's the way it seems sometimes.
Maybe one day I will be able to say thank you to him for giving me this lesson. I don't know. i wonder too sometimes if i love this guy as much as i seem to think I do. I really don't think that we could become anything. And I honestly feel like I could close the door on this 'chapter' of my life. why? because i can i guess. but if i must be honest, also because i'd like to think that i'd be hurting him if i did. I find myself so shallow and vindictive. And I can't help it. It seems to be the only way that I can pick back up the little pieces of my self-esteem. to wish horrors on his life. I really do want him to regret what he's done. If i'm as important to him as he once said, I hope that he really does die, curling up into one of those brown crispy autumn leaves, whose only fate is to be stepped on and crunched up into little pieces.
I wonder sometimes, if i can really let him go, if we can ever truly be friends again.
Pointless Butterfly
four things have been haunting me the last two? three? days. These four topics swirl around in my head and don't leave. The only constructive conclusion that emerges out of these constant thoughts are feelings of irritability and utter tiredness, followed by the pounding sleepy headache that i know so well.
Thought #1.
I should've done better with my thesis.
I let people down - but most importantly, ME, down.
I should've brought a bounded copy home with me.
Thought #2.
Work betrayed me.
I was an idiot not to explicitly state to the new boss that I had confirmed with my old boss that i would come back on 1st november. instead i get stuck with this, 'well i'll need to talk to the CEO and get back to you' bah... i don't what stupid gene in me decided to kick on yesterday morning and go, 'stuff this, i'll just play dumb, and hope that she's on my side.' and she's so obviously not. I hate fawning. I hate inter-office politics. you know what i hate most though? making sure that i say the right hting at the right time. It drove me nuts two weeks ago. trying to sound intelligent is such a chore. I hate it. i hate politics. i really do. making sure i don't step on people's toes. it drives me insane. I'm such a perfectionist that when things don't go right i'll end up mulling over the things i did wrong for weeks and hours on end. I'm obsessive-compulsive when it comes to things like that. and even when i go 'stuff it', i'll still end up sometime later on in the night bringing it back up and going, 'YOU IDIOT'. *sigh*
Thought #3
You. Dealing with your departure from my life. Dealing with the knowledge that we will never work out. We are just aren't meant for each other. Trying to analyse why i went off the deep end like i did. when at the end of the day neither of us did anything really majorly wrong. not really, when you take a look at it. you had to kick me out because you had a thesis to write. people sacrifice love all the time. you're no exception. And i got angry and hurt because the feeling of rejection was too much to bear. and that's understandable. silly, but understandable. so where does this leave us? I want the contact with you - i really do. But at the same time - i don't think it will achieve anything. so i guess it's better for us to stay apart. I just wish that you'd come after me sometimes. And i sit there and I watch all these movies with romantic leads and plotlines and I wish sometimes that something like that will happen to me. It's funny how fast i've fallen back into the single life. How after a month bemoaning the loss of a quasi-boyfriend I have effectively shut the door on love. There is no 'new love' on the horizons. And i guess i'm ok with it. but i can't help but have my thoughts stray to you every once in a while and wish otherwise. especially now that it is considered 'opportune' time. what with the thesis out of the way and all. i was told on thursday that 2 people didn't hand in their thesis. they have medical certificates and will not be handing their thesis in for a LONG time. I wonder every now and then if you suffered a mental breakdown or something. most probably not. but i do wonder sometimes, and i wonder if i should contact you and see how you are.
Thought #4
I am lonely and bored. I have no true friends. My best friend is sick and her time is tied up with family anyway. my other friends have work and their own lives. And i'm tired of ringing up my ex for company. we're friends and stuff, but i don't think i want to constantly rely on him for company. it's not healthy.
and so these 4 thougths go around in my head like a merry-go-round. round and round and round. and on top of it all, i know i am still mentally and physically exhausted. the amount of times i've fallen asleep or wanted to sleep in the last two days is proof of that. hell, i fell alseep watching tv at 5pm yesterday. that was weird. one minute i'm sitting in the lounge room curled around my pillow on the couch watching tv, the next minute i'm opening my eyes hearing mum say 'is she awake yet? dinner's on the table'.
*sigh* what's a girl to do with her life, when everything is up in limbo??
Curious Butterfly
I know I said that I was getting over him. I know I said that I didn't want to see him ever again. But somewhere in there, in the hidden recesses of my brain, I have been wondering. Are you really ready to let me go? Have you broken down yet and realised what you've lost? Will you really stop trying to test the waters and try and contact me? Are you honestly, truly, *that* cowardly?
Seeing as I didn't see you on Wednesday, I don't think I'll see you on the 27th. Reason being you'll have soccer practice. So i guess this is it until graduation huh? Our surnames start with the same letters. So i'll have no choice.
...have you really given up on me? truly? definately? It might just be the vanity speaking. *shrug* or maybe the loneliness. I'm suddenly back where I started. Now that the thesis is out of the way, and I'm expected to rest before doing my last assignment, I find myself with too much time on my hands. My friends are busy with their own lives. I'm going out this afternoon - but that's just with family.
There really is no life here for me. I was supposed to go out to dinner with my best friend on thursday night, and she ended up cancelling on me coz she was sick. So she's out of commission for a week tops. and the others - well, we don't keep in touch as much as we used to. the only time they ever come is when i organise something. and most of the time they come because its an 'event'. y'know, like birthdays or something.
...but honestly... you really don't think about me? at all? I know i gave you the cold shoulder the last few times you contacted me. But, like, have you really given up on me already??? Don't give me this crap about a guy only being able to take so much rejection. You're a guy. If you really want me...
of course, the obvious answer is: you Don't want me. which is probably very legitimate. You have been one of the things that's been floating around my mind lately. The situation that we were in, was really not the best. and both our actions are understandable. I just wish you'd tried and handled it better. Least that's my side of the story. Your side of the story is that *i* couldn't handle it well. And that i'm immature and couldn't take the rejection. My vanity and pride got in the way, and the anger i harboured against you because you had the nerve to reject me, really got me. Honestly, what's the point of telling a girl that you love her, if you refuse to keep her, right?
*sigh*
I guess we weren't meant to be.
But honestly, after all this... you're not even going to try one more time to contact me and try and mend broken bridges? I mean, regardless of whether I shoot you down or not. And to be honest, I still don't know what i would do if you came back. We'd have to talk things through. and i'd have to know that you were 100% genuine. and that you were killing yourself over me. And i'd need to know that we could work out. you'd have to give me all the right answers. you'd have to be so sincere. and you'd have to be willing to compromise. because to be honest, in the past you held all the cards. yes, you did. i never really had a say. maybe i did, but you got me to a stage where i often threw away my own self-esteem and pride for you. just to keep you in my life. whereas you, you weren't willing. but i wanted you so badly at the time that i was willing.
...won't you even think about coming back? Are you really ready to let me go? We didn't end the greatest - least I don't think so. i don't feel there was ever complete closure for us. Well, there was and there wasn't. I just ended up taking everything on board and decided to ignore you. You wanted for us to be friends, but i just felt it was ridiculous for us to even try or bother. I couldn't even look you in the eye. I couldn't bear to be friends with you when you pretended like nothing mattered. ANd i don't care how hard it was for you to do. It hurt me too much. It cut me up so badly that you didn't have the courage or the sudden urge/desire to come up to me, pull me roughly aside and demand to know what was going on. You didn't have the courage to face up to my rage and anger. You'd prefer to slink away. I don't care about the rationale. I don't care that you probably were justified in your actions. All i know is that as a contradictary female, who says something and wants something else, I just wish you'd come chasing after me.
..if nothing else but for my foolish pride.
Unprepared Butterfly
It seems life is never what you plan or want it to be. I just rang work to talk to my latest new boss. The conversation was... ok. She said that she'd talk with the big CEOs about hiring me. Guess nothing's set in stone huh? I probably will get the job. But knowing that just because I want it, doesn't necessarily means that I'll get it, still throws me in a spin sometimes.
It was the same sort of situation when i first started honours. I went into see my then to-be-supervisor. I told him what i wanted and if he'd be willing to be my supervisor. And he comes back out with, 'well, tell me why you want to do honours.' and then as i was talking, I suddenly realised that i was in a quasi-interview. yikes! i had just assumed he would be so thrilled that i asked, that he'd be jumping out of his chair welcoming me into the fold, no questions asked.
And this phone call, the boss was like, 'yeh, i was expecting a call from you' (i.e. regardless of whether or not my old boss suggested i ring her up anyway). yikes! Blunder #403. x_x *sigh*
I hate inter-personal inter-office politics. bah...
Regretful Butterfly
It's Day Two of 'end of thesis' syndrome. I find myself at a bit of a loss. I have one more essay to write (due on the 27th) but I have strict instructions from my supervisor to not start work or even thinking about it until this Monday.
I woke up today around midday. I struggled so hard to stay awake last night to post up my blog, and then sort've wandered around the net in a half sleep-induced haze. I think my body is catching up with me. Mentally I probably am alert. But my body is somehow telling me, that I'm really not.
I think the biggest shock about this thesis being over is the fact that i can't go back and change any of it. I reread my thesis last night before going to bed (the soft copy) and discovered that I could've fine-tuned one of the paragraphs in my last chapter. And my supervisor was right to comment that my final two paragraphs were weak. GAH... *double* GAH... I was so upset I was tempted to relog into blogger and blog about it. But then i wondered if all my ill-pent up feelings were just a result from tiredness and mental exhaustion, and decided to wait it out instead.
I just hate those feelings of 'i should've..' y'know? It's one of the reasons why i always swore that I'd jump on the cliche bandwagon of 'no regrets.' Yet i still find myself drawn there sometimes. Not that I won't jump off when i get sick of the self-misery.
But seriously, I think one of the reasons why this 'ending' of sorts has been such a shock to my system, is because I was in the middle of a run. I *had* to settle. I *had* to finish. I didn't have a choice. And it shocked me when I went into see my supervisor on Wednesday morning. I was prepared to do another rewrite that morning before handing it in. But my supervisor being the wise person that he is, just told me to fix up some sentences, and leave it at that. I think i was shocked. I'd gotten so used to the routine of writing and rewriting, that I expected it to continue. It is all my fault, and I will suffer the consequences (most likely in the mark), but I still wish I could've given myself more time.
Right now my shock stems from the fact that I want to go back and rewrite my thesis. Even though I have been complaining for an entire week or more about how much I hate this thesis. And how much chapter 4 sucks. and what's really the point or the use of doing this anyway? Seeing that thesis in black and white. Seeing that thesis printed and bound - literally like a published manuscript, it .... put everything into perspective. *i* wrote that thing. and it wasn't even like.. I don't know how to explain it. It's so strange. Seeing my thesis in one collection for the first time was such a shock. Honestly, it was. To me the thesis was still in its early stages. THat burgeoning process where everything is malleable and you can manipulate it, coz it's all just lines of black on a white screen. Nothing's concrete, nothing's set in stone. And then suddenly seeing it bound like that... i mean, *wow*.
And then I sort've realise that maybe I could've done something about it. Maybe if i had seen that a month ago, or even a week ago, that would've motivated me even more. I just wish i had one more chance to rewrite it. Fix up that stupid chapter four. the stupid stupid chapter four. the ending is alright, but i think it will detract the reader. And i can't believe i didn't need to rewrite my abstract. They made such a big drama about hte abstract in summer school at the beginning of the year. 'abstract writing is an art'. uh, buddy.. i wrote my abstract around 5am. I sort've half copied another abstract i had from another girl. (you know, same sentence structure type of thing. her thesis was something entirely different, so there's no way you can call me for plaigerising). so like, it really shocked me when my supervisor said, 'yeh, it's ok'. and the worse part of it all is that I can't even feel happy about it all.
It gets me sometimes knowing that my supervisor is right. You can tell by the way he handles things that he's very experienced in the whole thesis/supervisor thing. He knows when it's time to let go. I think he's gone through enough students to be able to take a step back and recognise when it's time to let go. me, personally.. i'm not ready to let go. I want to be back on that bandwagon, as sick as that sounds, because I know now what the end result will be. I have the motivation now. It's not like before, just seeing text on a screen. This is the 'printed word' we're talking about here. This is the closest i'll get to like, academic glory. and it had so much potential to be better than it stands right now. and it kills me that it looks like it all felt apart at the end. grr...
there are so many thoughts swirling around in my head. I don't really know where to go from here. This blog was originally started with the process of dealing with 'you.' and suddenly i find myself blogging up hundreds of words on my thesis instead. I think i might go and try ringing up work and seeing if the new boss will 'take me in' and give me a job (long story). But yeh, I might come back later and see if i'm in a better mood to write about you.
Attached Butterfly
I am not required to write on this blog everyday. I have no 'true' reading public that waits with baited breath for every blog that i write. But it suddenly seems like I feel obligated to write. It's a strange phenomena. When I used to keep a diary, I would feel the need to write in it all the time. Writing things out seem to validate the day for me.
And I think I need some validating. Today all passed by in a blur. And right now I have that niggling feeling that comes with the idea that i "SHOULD" have done that.... What am i talking about? I'm talking about my thesis. I printed and bound 4 copies, and I came away with nothing. I should've printed nad bound one more copy for myself to take home with me so that I can hug it all night long. But now I have to wait until next wednesday. because I won't go back into uni until next wednesday, and free laser printing for 77 pages does not come cheap. I have to pay for the binding, but who's honestly complaining?
You should see the thesis though. It looks so professional. *drool* the only thing i have against it, is because the strip binding thing is black, and i have big black letters on it, it looks boring, in a funeralish way. black and white. so plain. But it's a better looking titled page than some of the crap i saw. trust me. boring capital 12 point times new roman. bah... get some imagination people! i don't care how clever your title is. what's the point if you can't make me read it? least with 48pt (even if it is times new roman) at least you'll read my title whether you like it or not, even if it is a bit too straight forward.
Honestly though, so many things have happened in the last few days. I've been burning on the midnight train, and I haven't been able to get off. It's like that feeling you get when you go to the beach, and you come home, and you still get that feeling of walking through the water. I'm sort've floating around. I don't think I've really gotten off the thesis train yet. It's so bizarre. and not having a hard bound copy of my thesis in my hands only seems to emphasize that.
Can you believe it??? It's all over.
By the way, i think he went into uni yesterday. I never saw him. I certainly didn't see him today. But i was too busy to really care.
I find I also harbour mixed feelings for my supervisor. Don't ask me what. I'm too tired and confused to feel or analyse anything yet.
I tried to get some sleep last night, and I ended up listening to an entire sarah mclachlan cd without sleeping. it was horrible.
y'know, i'm probably not even making any sense in this blog. It's all just random thoughts from everywhere. I think i'm mentally and in some form, physically, exhausted. Yet I still find myself attached to the idea that I have to write it all out. I won't feel release until I do. Yet i can't be bothered recapping my life right now. I think it's all still too raw.
Fragile Butterfly
I had a horrible day.
I don't want to talk about it.
I just thought I'd let you know. For a moment this afternoon I thought you were there, and you saw me sitting in my lecturer's office bawling my eyes out, and you didn't come around to comfort me or see how I was. Most likely I was imagining things.
I've had a very emotional day.
I don't want to talk about it.
I've got to go back into uni tomorrow, and I haven't really slept in the last 24-36 hours.
...maybe I'll see you tomorrow huh?
Adrenaline Butterfly
I've just spent the entire night writing my thesis. that's pretty much 24 hours straight. I hope what i wrote was coherent and eloquent and so spectacular that it will ensure that I do well. and when i mean well, i don't mean some measly pass or credit. I'm talking HD (high distinction, equivalent of an A). Course, I can settle for a Distinction (B). But yeh...
I've just sent my thesis off to both my proofreader and my supervisor. It's 5.55am and I need to wake up and drive my little brother to the station in less than 2 hours. i better hop off and get a bit of snooze time. even though the sun is up. My head is pounding, but I don't feel a thing.
Guess what? i might see Him today!!! *excited squeal*
Stressed Butterfly
Things I need to do tonight:
- Write up a new Chapter Four with sparkling insightful prose.. Last chapter will talk about what the government HAS in fact done. Make sure it's not whimsical or nonsensical. Just tell the facts. ALSO, can lift previous chapter rewrites of four - because they have been better written/jazzier. oh wait.. or was that for chapter one? =S
- Rewrite first paragraph (make it jazzier)
- Fix up errors in essay (as pointed out by my beautiful angelic proofreaders)
- Write abstract
- Double space thesis
- Insert correct page numbers for footnotes
- Go back and fill in all the footnotes that I couldn't find today
- Put in actual numbers for Appendix Figure 2
- Write up a coherent acknowledgements page (can think about this when i drive into uni tomorrow)
- Fix up bibliography to ensure that everything is included (although i could technically do this tomorrow, if I carry all my books to uni) Don't forget to include white papers. Harries article. Vivani article. uh, what else?
- oh! email the next draft to trust proofreader and godsend supervisor
- take a shower somewhere in the middle to break the humdrum, give brain rest, and refresh.
- BRING DISKS!!!!
..is that it? I think that's it... *frazzled look*
Things to do tomorrow:
- Ask supervisor if it should be better for me to use 'it' or 'her' for countries
- Make sure there's enough time for me to go down to Officeworks and see if i can get the type of binding i want. Pathetic dodgy plastic rings. ha!
- Get everything done by 2.30 so i can let my supervisor go in peace... that didn't come right. I mean, leave/go home/rest. bah..
- Return books because one will be overdue
- Dress nicely in case i see Him
- Find a box to put all books in so i can look like an idiot carrying it all in tomorrow
- Does supervisor/me have to sign thesis?
- OH! spellcheck with Macquarie dictionary. I can do that tomorrow. HAVE to remember/make sure there are no american spellings in there.
That's all i can think of right now. I should sort it out so that everything is in order from most important to least important. i.e. what should be done tonight, and what can wait until tomorrow. The most important thing right now is rewriting chapter 4. followed by fixing up grammatical errors and nonsensical arguments. followed by jazzing up chapter intro.
THEN I can go about fixing up the bibliography.
Oh wait, i still need to do the abstract (!!) so we'll do the abstract first, and then the bibliography. yeh.
*stress* *stress* *stress*
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S HERE!!! ARGH!!!!
Woozy Butterfly
UPDATE: 1:15AM (technically 12th Oct)
Just typing that line up has me panicky all over. omg, omg omg.... my thesis is less than 24 hours away from being handed in. My academic career is just about over. Have I done everything I set out to do at the beginning of the year? (most probably not) Can i live with the actions I've done? (I don't have a choice).
I'm too sleepy to think about these ideas in depth. And I still haven't finished my references yet. argh!!!!!! Someone hit me over with a 4x4.
Y'know what would make it really ironic? If I end up with death by papercut. hahahaha!!!
I am going crazy, ever so slowly, ever so surely...
~*~
10:45PM
The lack of sleep and overexhaustion is getting to me. Even after my shower, I still don't feel so great. My brain is sinking slowly into the mire that is my limited mental capacity. Does that sentence even make sense?
Do you know how I can tell when I've really lost the plot, so to speak? When it takes me ten minutes to register something. If it's not directly thesis related, either you have to be very clear and explicit, or you're going to have to repeat to me 3 times - AT LEAST. I don't think i would be able to appreciate any level of humour higher than slapstick right now. and even then, *shudders* i don't know if i could. They say that puns are the lowest form of humour. Yet puns also require brainwork - brainwork which i cannot spare.
Man I want to sleep... and this pile of paper isn't getting any lower!!! *gasp*
I think the plan for tonight, will be to enter in all the references, and fix up the database. Tomorrow I work on footnotes. And then I go back to the thesis. *double shudder*
Overwhelmed Butterfly
Exhausted seems to be the only way to describe my physical and mental health these days. I'm doing all the administration stuff for my thesis right now, and all I want to do is curl into a little ball and sleep like the dead.
I had to go down to uni today to see my supervisor. I don't know what to make of it all, to be honest. I really have stopped making opinions over my thesis and my supervisor. All I care about is getting this thing done. Right now i'm entering references into a database. And I am again overwhelemed by the amount of work I need to get done.
I also spent the evening chasing people down. If there ever was a time when I wished I had more 'intelligent' friends, it was this evening. *rueful smile* I needed someone to proofread my thesis. Except it's hard to find someone when you need it back within 24 hours. Luckily, one of the girls who started out doing the thesis with me at the beginning of the year gave me an affirmative (she dropped out early in the year, because she didn't feel she was devoted enough). I now have another excuse to go out this week. I'm going to treat her to lunch as thanks. I so owe her.
It got so desperate earlier in the evening that I ended up emailing work, and call in the favour one of my work colleagues (now new boss) offered at the beginning of the year to proof read my thesis when i needed it. I'd paste the email up here, except that I deleted it already =( I know, how silly. However, i still remember the salutation: O Great and Glorious One, Who Is Worthy and Ever Powerful, .. or something to that extent. It's basically a plea for help. He'll laugh for sure. It's worded in such a way that it's pretty dramatic and desperate. But I also put in a clause of, 'i'd be eternally grateful, and yeh.' which basically means he could call me on it anytime. I was tempted to write in that email that I was willing to take a pay cut if he would take a look at my thesis for me. But i think that would've been taking it to a bit extreme. so yeh... ha!
My boss is a really nice guy. Lots of fun and jokes around (always a plus). But like most people, I never can tell where I really stand with him and all the other people i work with. The one girl that I got along with *really* well, is now living the high life in the Czech Republic. She's like the epitome of everything I want to be one day. She's so smart she actually got a double first class honours (!!) go figure!. Like, she did a double honours degree, and got top marks in both of them. Talk about smart... But yeh, she's currently gone overseas to work at this company which is sort've like the things I do at work, except that it's way cooler. And she gets to live in Europe. She's taken extended leave from the company, so if her thing in the Czech Republic falls through, she's always welcome back here. I envy her. I wish I could be as successful and adventurous as her.
One day. One day I will be her. I will travel, and work overseas, and I will get a plum job. Some place where I get to live the sophisticate life that I've always dreamed and wanted. Free of family shackles and financial burdens. Free of useless people, and filled with true friends. And i will live the high life. One day.
Back to the present though. There's so much to do. Not only do i have to put in all my references (and there's a LOT), but I also have to spellcheck my newspaper database (which has a LOT of references). It doesn't help that I also have to do all my footnotes (which there are a LOT), and the current system i'm using is one that i've never used before. I'm used to doing harvard in-text referencing. But this thesis requires me to do footnoting. so like, little numbers up top, and reference lists below. What makes it worse, is my lecturer emailed us this afternoon, and I swear, I'm ready to stick a red hot iron poker through this guy's eye.
The word limit for the thesis is 15,000 words, and my lecturer just wrote a letter for our markers stating explicitly that the thesis, including footnotes AND appendices is supposed to be 15,000 words. (!!!!) I MEAN, HONESTLY, ARE YOU LIKE, *INSANE*?!?!?!? I thought the whole point of footnotes was that you DIDN'T include them in word count. And how the hell am i supposed to deal with my newspaper database now huh? huh? HUH??!?! *pushes lecturer into chair* My database is like HUGE. I'm currently at 13,000 words in my thesis. But like, I will so go over that word count, once i include footnotes and appendices. It is like, SO unfair. SO SO SO SO SO UNFAIR.
I remember now why i never picked this lecturer as my supervisor. He always did rub me the wrong way. As a guy, he's fine to be around. But as an academic superior, his methods absolutely SUCK. I'd pick my supervisor any day. Oh, wait, I already have! LOL.
Hrmm, i think I'm going to take a shower, and go back and try and continue the referencing. I've got a bad feeling that it's going to be a long night. Be ready for lots of little updates all night long. (yaay!)
Mantra to self: I *CAN* DO THIS! I *CAN* DO THIS!
Wish me luck to impress the socks off of my markers.
*begs* *please* give me a good mark. *preetty* *pwwetty* *PLEASE!!!!!*
Irritable Butterfly
I'm tired and I'm irritable. Man, I'm irritable. My supervisor wrote back and wants another draft tomorrow. Which means I have to write again. He also told me that my draft was contradictory. GAH.
*bangs head against laptop screen*
i HATE this... i just WANT. TO. GO. TO. BED.
I'm tired, and I'm sleepy, and I want to go HOME!
Hrmm, i just got an idea. y'know, I could just finish that last paragraph (yes, I haven't touched it since my last post), and then go to bed. Do another Thursday act and wake up tomorrow morning at 5.30. Yeh.. I could, I could, I could...
I'm just tired, and sleepy, and I don't want to get up!!!
Meandering Butterfly
My moods are funny these days. Right now, I'm in the Caffienated, Stir Crazy stage. Where if people were talking to me, I'd be really loud and boisterous, and make crazy statements. Basically a big bag of fun.
Around two hours ago, I was a lump of oatmeal. My brain couldn't focus on anything, and my entire body was absolutely exhausted.
I haven't had the most interesting of days, but perhaps you could say that I had one of the more stressful ones. There will come a day (most likely soon) when I will say that pressure is good. But when you're actually under that pressure, pressure is BAD. *very* bad...
Trying to write an entire chapter from scratch HURTS in ways I can't even begin, or even want to, describe. So if anyone's wondering why I haven't blogged like 10 times in the last 12 hours today - you now know why. *hangs head*
Right now, I'm one or two paragraphs away from finishing the new 'revised' Chapter Four. After that, I want to type up a whole bunch of references, before going to bed. Tomorrow, I have to see my supervisor at 4. Before then, I have to fix up Chapter Two (I left half of it unwritten. Why? Because I didn't want to write it... lol).
And then I have a day and a half left to FINISH it. OMG. I wonder if my supervisor has ever had a student like me, who's left things to the last minute like I have. I feel bad sometimes, wondering if I'm pushing the limits of academic ethics. When is help, 'help' and when is it 'cheating'? He's not writing the thesis for me, but he's definately been very open with the suggestions. NOT that i'm complaining. After all, I'm taking any help I can get. And you have to admit, he's a nice guy. I know that doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't have morals. But I'm a nice person too. *grin* I mean, you ever notice that you're more willing to help someone, when you know that they're a good person, or if you get along with them more, etc.
I personally know for a fact, that I get along, or at the very least, feel very comfortable around my supervisor. Yes, I may hide behind certain facades with him, and not show him all my ugly sides, but at the very least, I feel that we get along. He has that ... 'gentlemanly' air around him. *shrug* i can't describe it. It's like, he's polite - but in the nicest possible way. So that you never feel self-conscious around him. You can just be yourself, and although he may well judge you, he never makes a show of it. And he lets you be yourself. That's one of the things I like best about him, and I think one of the main reasons why I wanted him to be my supervisor, because I knew that the supervisor-student relationship would be very important. And it would be something that could make or break a thesis. In my case, I am *so* grateful for him. Words cannot describe. But anyway, I'm digressing...
So yeh, I took a shower, and now I feel a lot more refreshed and motivated to do work. To be honest, I think it's the adrenalin talking. I hope I can last the next three days. More importantly, I hope that my supervisor's standards are as high as my own. And I hope that he hedges his bets like I do. In which case, there still might be a chance that I could do reasonably well, as opposed to just 'well'.
My standards are high. I'll be the first to admit that. I know I push myself. Yet what makes it so ironic, is that I also seem to constantly set myself up for the fall.
Gah... I need a labotomy.
I stand by everything I say - and i mean, EVERYTHING I say. It makes for very contradictary and confusing moments in my brain at times. I'm surprised half the time, that people can actually follow all my convoluted meanderings.
Contradictary Butterfly
I know I said I would stop thinking about Him and all that it entails, and stay focused on writing my thesis. But, well, deep down I am a mass of contradictions. So here goes…
I think I’ve decided that we can’t be friends. I know that there were reasons why we couldn’t be together. I know that you didn’t do anything technically wrong. You couldn’t handle it, and you had to bail. Someone always has to get hurt when a break up occurs. In this case, that person was me. I accept. If anything, it’s shown me a few things about myself. But in order for me to heal, in order for me to pull back the remaining tatters of my dignity, I can’t see you. I can’t talk to you. I don’t think I can bear to be near you. I’m halfway through that process of leaving you now. I don’t want to go back. You probably could get me, if you pushed. But you’re not the pushy type, and I doubt you’d go after something like this.
So I’ve decided that for my own sanity, I don’t want to see or talk to you. I want to be able to walk by you and move on, the next time that I see you. Hell, I could even imagine it’d be like one of those Hollywood flicks, and you can hear the ‘I am woman’ soundtrack playing as I saunter off, slow-mo. LOL
You picked the path that we were to lead, and now you have to deal with the consequences. I guess it doesn’t matter who was right or wrong anymore. All that matters is dealing with the present.
And I hope you can regret what you’ve done. I hope that you revel in it, and die. I hope that you crack into a million pieces and realise what you’ve lost.
I was the best you ever had. I am the best you’ll ever have. And if you’re stupid enough to throw me away, then it’s your loss. Truly. You couldn’t do better if you tried, and I don’t care what you say. If you don’t deserve me, then no-one deserves you. Because you are trash. You are scum. You are weak.
And all guys SUCK. Damn your inconsistencies. Damn your emotional insecurities. Damn your pride. Damn your ‘I don’t knows’ and fear of commitment. Damn your inability to stick things through. Damn your responsibilities. Damn your logic, and damn your stupidity.
I hate what you put me through. I hate what it feels like to be rejected, when I know that I am so worth it. I know I am worthy. I know I am more worthy than you’ll ever be. And I hate it that you throw me away anyway. I don’t care that you recognize that you are the one at fault. That you are the stupid one that’s throwing me away.
You believe that you can’t give me everything I need and deserve. All I ever needed was you. All I ever needed was you… the real you.
Gahhh Butterfly
My supervisor wrote back.
I hate Chapter 4.
Varied Butterfly
Today's turning out alright. *fingers crossed* I managed to do some work today and have already done one edit sweep of the thesis. Mind you, the day isn't done yet - so who knows... it could all go downhill after I post up on this blog!
I'm thinking that part of the reason why I'm doing ok today as opposed to yesterday is due to the amount of sleep I've had. I slept in today until around midday. 7 hours, as opposed to the 9 I had yesterday. well, ok, maybe it's not sleep hours then. Maybe it was me coming down from the adrenalin rush that I ran on all of Thursday, that made me so tired and 'blah' yesterday.
Every time I see my supervisor and he asks me if i'm ok, i put on a brave front and tell him that I'm fine. And when he asks me if it'll be ok, I tell that it has to be ok, and I will write, because i don't have a choice. I lie and cheat and do whatever, so that he will believe me. i guess it doesn't help my cause in the end, because i'm only setting myself up for the fall. And when i reread the emails I send him, they all seem so cheery and upbeat. I don't think he knows me well enough to see through the facade.
I guess facades are good in their own way. For me at least, if i put up that front, the false bravado, in some form or fashion, I will try and meet those criteria, because i made them trust me, right? Seems kind've silly to set up this illusion and then not even try to fulfill it.
So yeh, i think the amount of sleep i had today as opposed to forcing myself to wake up at 9, has contributed to my working today. I'm on my second edit sweep right now, going through the nitty gritty sentence structure and example points that i didn't feel like working on, on the first edit sweep. Yes, talking about technical writing details in a writing assignment is only fascinating to the writer. Nobody else could care less. lol.
What i'm actually trying to get at here, is that my eyes feel funny. As opposed to that grey partition that i had earlier, right now, it seems like my eye balls are stuck on another grey partition. sounds disgusting and quite sick. oh, wait, i have a better image. It's like my frontal lobe is separated from the rest of my brain, in the nicest possible sense, in that i'm still alert, but my frontal lobe, uh.. isn't. Basically i think it just means that my eyes are tired. *grin* yes, i know, i could've just said that to begin with. blah blah blah.
Well now that i've checked into the self-help system (blogging), and made sure that i'm relatively sane, I guess i should go back out there and continue the second edit sweep - which is taking mighty longer than i expected/intended, because i feel a little more boisterous and hopeful (which leads to more ways to let go and procrastinate) now that I've gone through one edit already.
If only I could find some way to shrink 17,000 words to 15,000 though. Now that would be the rub! Actually, there is one thing that gets me slightly apprehensive. My supervisor is going through my chapter four today.... I don't know if i'm ready to hear the defeatist criticism that is sure to come. I tried reading what i wrote yesterday, this afternoon, and got sick of it.
I don't understand. It's so strange to see how the entire thesis, well 3/4 of it anyway, can be ok for me to re-edit, but rewriting the final chapter can get me so down and depressed. Guess it's that whole fear theorem all over again.
Man, I feel like the next 3 days will be filled with blogs as boring as this one. lol. word of warning to all and any who read this. It's just going to be boring thesis stuff for the next 3 days. No juicy love angst, unless *someone* plans to message me and put me in a spin. Although, me being sadistic me, is still hoping i'll crash into him on wednesday when we hand in the thesis. I bet he's ready to be friends etc. bah...
oh dear, it's so easy for me to jump back on the relationship bashing train. LOL. guess it's not as over as i'd like to think. that or i really never do get over things =S
ok, stop 'resting'... go back to work. *sigh*
..i wonder if should get myself another muesli bar or something to snack on...
Hopeless Butterfly
My Thesis is slowly falling away from me. I can feel it in my bones. I have a horrible feeling it will be such a rush crap job. and i hate myself for seeing that. It was another 5am last night, and instead of forcing self to wake up at 10, it's midday now. Today's going to be a killer of a day. Even more so than yesterday. Tomorrow's going to be spent editing footnotes, and the day after will be last rewrites - except that last night's draft proved that i need another rewrite at least before i can get to last draft quality.
I don't think i can do this... I never planned to let my supervisor down. And i know i will try my best - but at this stage, i don't think that my best will be anywhere NEAR what it could have/should have been.
I know i'm a procrastinator. I know I'm a last minute job. But honestly, this is just ridiculous!!! I know that i can be very hard on myself - because if i'm not, no one will be. And hopefully when he reads my chapter 4 today, he will come back and say, 'that chapter is good. it's not as bad as you think' ... yeh right. I'm hoping... but hope doesn't put food on the table. =P lol
It's voting day today. Ironically related to my thesis as only politics can be related to voting day. See? i'm not even making sense anymore!! Maybe I should just go back to sleep. *sigh*
Ok, maybe i'll drag myself up. "make a difference" and all that jazz. bah... that or risk a $200 fine. Whadd'll it be? eh? *prods self in side*
This thesis is hopeless!
*bangs head against headboard*
I'm such an idiot for ruining this...
Fluctuating Butterfly
All we seem to do is fluctuate between depression and sanity. I have dipped my toes in despair, and I have hit my head against the wall of that grey partition that stops me from accessing my thoughts.
I am tired. I am exhausted. I am stressed. Unmotivated. Depressed.
I am also, honestly ready to do work. But because of the above, I cannot.
What happens when we cannot? When we know that goal is reachable, but we fall into those depths of despair? What happens when we stand at the edge of that abyss and we feel our feet slide on the rocky precipice without us even realising? Sometimes, we seem to do it involuntarily. Othertimes we fling ourselves out there and hope that the darkness will take over. Envelop us in its indifferent embrace, and let us forget for a while about the reality that we must eventually face. And when we hit the bottom, we can sit surrounded by darkness, curled up, wracking ourselves with painful memories and thoughts. We let them play and replay in our minds, and willing hit the 'slow motion play' on our internal remote controllers. We put ourselves voluntarily through all the pain and misery. And we revel in it.
This morning was such a moment. A few days ago, I realised all my procrastination was simply done out of acts of fear. I did not want to face the future and what all my actions would bring. I did not want to face the consequences, or the fruits that my irresponsible behaviour would bear in a few short months.
Today I have also realised something. Perhaps one of the reasons why i have been so troubled over this thesis for so long is simply because i have been so overwhelmed. Even though i went about this a piece at a time, sometimes the chunks still seemed like they were too big to chew. And whenever i thought about the entire cake, or even about how large that piece was that i was eating, or how important it was for me to eat it then and now, even though i was still a little full from my earlier snack, the cake would into ashes in my mouth. I'd spit it all out, and throw myself back into the abyss. The cake is such a pretty thing too. Not necessarily the best, not necessarily my favourite, but still very edible. I wouldn't have picked it out of the bakery store if it wasn't. And i hunker down and wonder what possessed me to pick this particular cake in the first place.
Sometimes though, sometimes the cake isn't so bad. If i know where i want to go, and what i want to do, i can attack it granule by granule. But most of the time I lose myself. I get lost in the whole thing, and I have no strategy.
And so i fluctuate. I stand at that precipice contemplating the sweet embrace of darkness. Forgetfulness. Diabolical madness. To hide from the hardships that my life has to offer. I am not a depressing person. I can choose to step away. It isn't so hard. My family supports me so much. I feel their love radiate off them like one of those auras that you see on an episode in Stargate. Despite that though, I sometimes still feel so lonely. I can't explain it. I feel so ungrateful saying that. So many people aren't as lucky as me.
Maybe i'm just putting too much pressure on myself. I know i can be a hard and demanding taskmaster. At the same time, I can be so easy on myself. It's just that even though everyone tells me that whatever i do will be fine, I know they would love it if i could do so much better. And i can't help but want to meet those desires. I want to meet those expectations. I want, I want, I want...
I don't want to disappoint them. Everyone tells me how much potential I have. And i know that I haven't worked as hard as i should have, or could have. I have myself to blame. I can sit there and justify it all out to myself. At the same time, I ... sometimes, I just look out there, and I see this big expanse. All that the year had to offer. I spent the first six months dealing with my ex and his departure of sorts, or my own departure. however you want to see or put it. And then, this current one... I was so consumed by him. I suddenly realised what it really meant to love someone. it was an entirely different feeling. so hard to explain. So different, yet so familiar. And although he may have cared about me the same way, I think that he is too insular to ever tell me. And i am not patient enough to wait it out, to hear him break out his soul and show me that we are one and the same. I gave up so much of myself. And i didn't care. He could've taken anything, and I would've given it to him freely. Yet, each time he did, sometimes without even asking, I would come away feeling a little lost. And at the end of the day, when he chose the 'right' path (at my insistence to know the truth mind you), I suddenly fell apart.
Perhaps i have been disillusioned. Perhaps i constantly throw myself into that abyss in an attempt to relive certain moments of my life that I have never had time to grieve over. Maybe i'm just some textbook case of psychobabble. I don't know. All i know is that i have a tendency to personally take a hand in destroying things in my life. The irony is that most of those times when i revert into myself and do certain things - they probably all could have come out for the better. Maybe I'm just confused. I'm too young to understand what's really going on. And when there are chances for me to grow and mature, I shrink back. forget about all that. Just be young and childish and immature and make things worse, because i'm too afraid to face up to failure. true failure. I'd rather just try and sweep it up under the rug, put a nice little label on it and leave it at that.
"considering the circumstances, I don't think I could've told them the truth anyway. It was their fault. They were too blunt with me, and i couldn't face the criticism"
"you've hurt me too much and I probably didn't show you my true self anyway. Not to mention I jumped into the deep end when you needed to ease into it. I was too impatient and impulsive"
"I needed direction before i could proceed. the procrastination was necessary so that it could give me time to think"
they're all just excuses. Excuses for me to face up to the 'real' state of things.
It's funny how in those depths of despair, in the darkness of that abyss we can also find ourselves mentally shaking off those shackles that we ourselves put on not long before. And how we climb back up and walk back out on the other side. I have so many different mental images of what that abyss looks like. Sometimes it's like a standing on the edge of the grand canyon at night. The only difference is, there's no fence, and no stars. It's like, you're on the edge of that cliff, and there's this visible line between darkness and light. and you stand on that rocky edge, willing yourself to jump over. Other times, it's like i'm a butterfly floating above it. Flitting here and there. Sometimes carried there by the winds, other times, choosing to fly over and wanting to get a little lost in the darkness. And other times i fly back over. And sometimes all you have to do is stand there. and the weather changes around me. One minute that darkness falls across me like the shade of a tree falls across me in the afternoon.
We all fluctuate between the inner darkness and the desire to save ourselves from too much introspection and unhappiness. I think that sometimes we choose to do it for reasons such as mine (fear of failure or wanting to face the truth), and sometimes things happen that get us into that state without even realising.
I just wish this thesis wasn't such a drain on me. I see that pretty cake, and I so want to consume it all. I can do it piece by piece eventually, but there's no time left. I've got 5 days to do it. 5 days to finish off a cake that I'm so scared I can't finish.
Day in, Day out, that's what my life has become about. Chewing cake.
*sigh*
