Consumed Butterfly
Day in, day out. I'm re-reading emails that we have written to each other. And while I know that he's not the right one for me, I'm craving. It's like I've been drugged. All I think about is him.The conversations we've had. They go over and over in my mind. Round and around they go.
At dinner that night when I commented that he didn't turn up to our dinner bash, and joked, "you just didn't want to see me" and he replied so seriously, "you know that's not true. in fact you know how much that isn't true. there was a time when i all i wanted to do was see you." And he said it so sincerely that I knew they were said with the depths of his soul. Thinking back, I must have blushed. But whether or not he noticed was another matter.
I watched him throughout the night, on and off, and at one stage when he got up to talk, I had a mental image of what he must look like at that most heightened of passions. And I baulked. I knew that he was not the one for me. He's even older than mine. What am I doing? Am I crazy?
After dinner drinks, we chatted away, and the topic came up about his original faux pas. And it was a bad faux pas. But you could he tell he was still very interested in me. When I told him of my recent engagement you could see his disappointment on his face, before he brushed it away and looked at me and half-joked that he was a patient man and that he would wait.
It wasn't until afterwards when I put my glass of wine down that I realised that I had been holding my glass of wine and sipping it as a shield against his intentions.
I feel like I am suffering from a drug. I already have someone. Who makes me smile by his very presence. Who proposed marriage to me in one of the most romantic ways possible. And yet here I am, being consumed with thoughts of another man. How is this possible? Why do I constantly obsessively compulsively through myself into imaginations of a time and place with someone else? Last time it all ended after I had a torrid dream where I was going out with the guy. And since then, I can look him in the eye and know there is nothing there.
I've done it once before, but I always knew with that one that I was using him. This one, I'm not so sure. This one has a lot more higher stakes. What happens if I kiss him? I've kissed one before while in another relationship. Is it me? Is it me that is the problem?
Why do I always toy with the unknown?
I think the fact that I was drinking 2 glasses of wine that evening - way past my limit - assisted a lot, and helped to entrench in me this feeling of euphoria. It made me a lot more susceptible. I walked away from that evening flying high as a kite, feeling very attractive and seductive. And I guess I haven't felt that way in a while. Because I seem to be constantly emailing him in the hope of recreating that feeling.
I was very tempted today to ask him out for a drink tonight, because mine is away at an all-night boys poker night. But I didn't. I was good. And a good thing too. Because he rang me while I was cooking dinner tonight for a chat. How would have I explained my evening to him? Would I have lied? How would he feel that I was going to have after-work drinks with a man other than him? If it was me, I'd definately feel upset. I am stupid to play with his fire. Why am I being drawn to this unfaithful flame? I am silly and stupid. But everything I do atm, every spare moment I have is filled with thoughts of him. I am consumed.
I check my email constantly, anticipating his email. I think about him, wondering, 'what is he doing now?' 'is he thinking about me?' and then I think that's stupid. Why would he think about me if knows that I am taken. Why in fact am I even thinking these thoughts, when I have just become engaged?
Does this mean that I said yes to the wrong man? It can't be, because halfway through that dinner, I wished he was there with me. So is it just that I'm chasing after that feeling of being wanted, needed and lusted after? Am I feeling that neglected for attention? Or am I a whore for a man's attentions? I need them all to be after me. And then I wonder when it all goes pear-shaped, how this turned out so badly?
Temptation is a horrible thing. He's not even the right man for me! I don't like men who have no sense of boundary or propriety. When he first crossed the line, mine found out. And he was slightly angry. You could tell. Who is this guy and why is he trying to pick her up??? And when he met him, he even told me that he was lusting after me. Men can tell these things.
I don't understand why this demon is trying to claw out of me. Making me want to message him or even write him an email saying "i've been thinking about you."
He said to me the other night, how he had thought at the time that he really liked me, and he thought that he could tell that the feeling was mutual. I'm sorry but I love analysing situations like these. I play the playful distant woman very well. I reel them in a little and then become mysterious and ambiguous. I will leave things open-ended and let you read things a myriad of ways. Why? Because it's fun, and I like playing with your mind.
But I already have someone. I think I love the thrill of the chase. But it's consuming me so badly. I drive home everyday and he is all I think about. The conversations go round and round in my head.
Is it that I'm aware of how much he likes me? I don't even know if I like him back. And why should I? I'm about to commit to life and death forever with no end with another man. This is INSANE.
Is this how all unfaithful women feel? Or even men? Do they just work on instinct? And then next thing you know, they've slept with someone else. I know that mine won't tolerate it. He would never let me back if I left. And I'm not even sure I would be sorry. It's hard fighting these temptations. I even know for a fact that the sex would be empty. It would be exciting because it would be new, but that would be it.
I read a book the other day where a character says: "it's not what you think, it's what you do that matters." so does that mean that I can be intellectually unfaithful? or even emotionally unfaithful? but that as long as i don't act out these temptations it's ok? i'm not 100% sure. the comment was made in an entirely different context.
I know now why I never continued the friendship much. I don't like getting rid of people in my life. I think it stems from my father leaving me when I was young. But I don't like exiling people. As a result, I usually try to make everyone feel like they are my best friend. Personable, as mine would say.
But perhaps I did wrong here. I need to make it clear that he's not important to me. But if I'm constantly checking my email to see if he's online, then that's not going to work. I don't want to be unfaithful to mine. That would be so hypocritical, and well, just bad.
How do I purge this man out of my life?
I'm worried that he's going to overstep the boundary again. I don't mind harmless flirtation. A line here, a line there. But last time he went too far. Ending an email with three 'x's is just a bit too much. Especially when you only met the person 3 weeks ago. And you know they're taken.
I am constantly grateful to all my friends for their distractions - often they help me without even knowing they are.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 9:19 pm
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