Learning Butterfly
11:46
"Take a look at all you can see, or think you can see, for 2005. Does it represent a cause for concern or something that just 'has to be the way it is'? In the answer to that question is a clue to the most important resolution you need to make for the coming year. You had better decide, right now, to stop worrying. "
Right.
Got it.
~*~*~*~
So it is that 2004 begins to dwindle down. In the last year many things have changed. Many things have come, and just as many have gone.
Achievements:
- I completed my Honours year satisfactorily (despite my trepidations and mental anguish)
- I started working full-time (and so begins the "Rest of my Life")
- I got the contacts that I've been pining after for the last few years
- I got my license (after having friends batter me for 4 years with 'haven't you got them yet??')
- I saw Sarah McLachlan live in concert
- I am the proud owner of a decent digital camera
- I own X Files and Alias DVD Box Sets
- I got a new mobile with shiny silver buttons (Nokia 6610)
- I now own the *Coolest* set of frames (sunglasses) to ever grace my face
- I have a work number, with an actual, physical telephone, on my desk
- I have a desk at work, that is *mine* and *only* mine
- I possess a pair of knee-high black boots that go with *everything* and I mean, *everything*
Upheavals:
- I broke up a 2 year relationship
- I suffered extreme heartache after going for someone who when it all comes down to it, doesn't really want me
- I've started various family arguments that will only end up turning out badly when all is said and done
- I've had to stop being 21 (and "grow up" .. gah...)
Things I have learned:
- What it is to love
- What heartache is about
- That I don't really look all that bad after a night's bout of crying
- Writing is overrated
- How to be social
- How to be anti-social
- That I'm not as good as a photographer as I'd like to be
- Office politics is a joke (even though we knew this all along)
- I have a strong tendency to be in denial
- I fluctuate - constantly
- What it feels like to panic, like *really* panic
- That there is no "real" perfume being sold at market stalls
- What it's like to live by yourself when parents are overseas (i.e. I'd starve to death without siblings who can cook)
- ATM cards are good...
- Patience is a virtue that I do not possess
- Procrastination and I are like *this*
- Love sucks
- Boys suck
- Romance is dead
- I have many expectations that are unrealistic
- How to be deleriously happy to the point of tears, and how to be miserable to the point of tears
- That I can write a decent essay on 36 hours of no sleep and a mocha coffee
- One mocha coffee can equate to a nose bleed and crazy talk
- What it feels like to be told off by an unsatisfied client
- That I am more fragile than I'd like to think
And other interesting things/experiments:
- I started a blog to see if it will make me any more "normal" than the rest of the population
- I have added to my cd collection to the point where it's bursting at the seams (and become a spendthrift when it comes to purchasing cds)
- I started waitressing (I need the extra cash)
- I started a photoblog to try and fulfill a desire to be artistic
- I finally broke the mould and caved into using different aliases on msn
So I started the year under the night sky filled with fireworks with a boy, happy and content. Currently there are three scenarios as to how I end this year. I end the year with no one, sleeping soundly when the last second ticks by. I end the year sitting in front of the television. Or I end it on the phone talking to a boy in Norway. lol how exciting... not really.
Well, here's to 2005...
Junkie Butterfly
As much as I'd like to claim that I was wordly, often I think I am in fact quite naieve.
I sent a gift to Norway last week. A Christmas present and a card - only one of 2 gifts that I gave out this year, and the only christmas card I sent out. The other one went to Him, and technically it don't count, coz it was his birthday also. So that was a quasi birthday/christmas present. Essentially then, my Norweigen friend is the only one who was party to any of my Christmas cheer this year.
He has talked to me about his interest, and how things could perhaps progress if he were here. And despite my initial wariness (he flirts disturbingly often), I do believe him. And in believing him, I am watching myself open up to another potential fall. If only because I am watching myself open up to someone. And I am watching myself settle on certain expectations or hopes. And as past history has shown, you really shouldn't do silly things like that. Expectations and hopes can be so tiring.
Anyhow, he rang me last night. He rang my mobile. Apparently the gift arrived yesterday morning. And he was so touched and moved that he rang me to thank me. He also pointed out that he "didn't deserve it" because he hadn't done anything really for me to send him such a gift. Call it an investment, I say. I never did really explain why I did it. I only told him that he was the only one I sent a gift to. ANd the unspoken is of course that I am perhaps more willing to go along with his little plans than I claim. And often I am still a little wary. What makes it worse is that it seems I cannot detach myself from his harmless, often suggestive flirting, and simply being friends. It seems quite difficult for me.
In a sense, trying to examine all of this, I wonder if perhaps I have a difficulty gene in me. On one hand I want freedom and a means to pursue whatever interests strike me. On the other, if you are interested, I'd like to think that you were serious (regardless of how serious or not I may in fact be). In which case, I'm just an emotional rollercoaster junkie with a severe and deathly strain of hypocrisy.
Well you can't win all the time =P LOL
Relieved Butterfly
Well my dilemma is solved. He just msged me to say that he's going home (at 12.30) because he's not feeling well.
I have mixed feelings about this. On the plus side I am relieved that I don't have to deal with him and his friend, and all the trappings it can imply. I can also spend my lunch hour reading my novel.
On the downside, I still have to go into the city to buy my brother's books. And I'll be honest in saying I am a little disappointed.
I probably could have forced the issue and still saw him, if I had decided to leave for the city at midday and sms'd him about meeting up for coffee. He couldn't have said no then. But I had decided to leave things in his hands. And it's not nice to force the issue to have him stay anyway.
So this situation, while being a little frustrating for sure, leaves me back at the impasse I was at on the weekend.
From now on, I think I'll stick to my guns and stay away. If he really wants to talk to me, he can ring me. Otherwise, I'll just keep my distance.
THe only bad thing about writing all this down, is that in writing, it makes things a little concrete in a sense. And while that isn't necessarily a bad thing, it can be confusing and misleading, because often whenever I write, the feelings I feel at the time are genuine. Yet, when I go away and come back to it all later, I am feeling or acting differently. And each and every time those feelings change.
Sometime I end up just writing things up because I want to be able to test out how I feel about saying or telling myself certain things. If I say 'I don't need you anymore' will saying it out loud, or writing it down make it real? If I say we can't be friends, and that we should just leave this, will it come true? Will it be ok?
If you ever wonder why I'm not making a big deal about this, it's simply because I don't want to fight anymore. I only go around in circles. And anyway, I have bigger fish to fry (finish reading my novel). Maybe when the book is done, I'll get upset.
I just don't want to force any more issues with you anymore. If you want me, then show me. Otherwise, I'm going to assume that you don't. And I need to learn to just be fine with this.
Winning Butterfly
Stars for today (well technically yesterday, but in my case, still relevant. And anyway, it's still the 28th over there-where-they-make-my-oh-so-accurate-forecast):
Mine:
'Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens.' Carl Jung. Over the next few days. Jupiter's alignment to your ruler will start to bring about a great awakening. The cosmos is about to give you a delayed (and much needed) Christmas present.
As you see a special opportunity beginning to rise up before you, don't hesitate to take full advantage of it. And be generous too, towards those for whom no such heavenly bonus is on offer.
You may not know it yet but you're winning.'
Versus
His:
'The real voyage of discovery consists not in making new landscapes but in having new eyes.' Marcel Proust. You are not going to be drawn into an argument now. You are not going to be needled, goaded, tricked or pushed into thinking and talking about something that really isn't worthy of your time and energy.
You are going to resist the temptation to rise to the bait - or to lose your cool over something silly and ultimately irrelevant.
You are going to remain wise and philosophical, detached and intellectually objective. You are going to hang on to your sense of perspective and act with great imagination. No really, you ARE!
....so tell me, who's really winning?
*raises an eyebrow*
Quavering Butterfly
Writing to an audience can be a double-edged sword. On one hand, knowing that you have an audience becomes a flattering experience; knowing that people deem your thoughts to be worthy of reading, entertaining, thought-provoking, or something that they can relate to and work off.
When people invest in you, they often contribute as well as take something away with them. It can merely be a contribution of time, understanding, or sometimes, an attempt to connect. They become 'involved' in a sense and react to what is being written, felt and examined.
Writing for an audience can also be detrimental, when the purpose of writing is as a personal sounding board. It is sometimes hard to distinguish between writing for yourself, and writing for others. When we write about personal matters, very often we wish to keep them personal. They are things that you don't want other people to know about. They are internal murmurings that you are trying to sort out on your own.
Yet the proliferation of personal blogs, and the existence of a blog like this one, provides an interesting twist on this writing phenomenon. To write anonymously gives a sense of liberation and freedom. I could be anyone or no one. A face in a crowded sea of people. But as people invest in what you write, you become someone. And sometimes you find yourself giving context, exposition and elaboration. Things that you don't necessarily need to do when writing specifically for yourself.
When you explicitly write for yourself, explanations are not necessary. Jumps of logic, not required. Justification becomes a useleess tool. But once you become aware that other people may read what you write, you can become a little more aware. You try to lessen the confusion in your writing, and try to address your thoughts in some semblance of coherency and clarity.
Ironically you can also feel a little frustrated, bound by these niceties in order for people to understand and relate. People begin to judge. It is easy to do, especially in the ease of your own home, in your personal spheres, reading about other people, and never having to face their opinions of your judgements. Never having to face the reality compared to those judgements. And then you can begin to question yourself. Question what you have written, question your actions, question your thinking and feelings.
Paradoxically, writing with the knowledge that other people do in fact read what you write, and perhaps react, sometimes even to the point of being motivated to comment, well, that brings a sense of comfort too. To know that you are not alone. To know that other people can relate to the things you feel. To know that your thoughts and feelings are in fact normal. Maybe writing to an audience allows you to share. And when people are moved enough to comment, they are simply offering you a yardstick of sorts to show where you sit in the social sphere of interaction. And as social creatures, that is perhaps not such a bad thing. Sometimes it may simply be pride and stubborness are the only two things that stop us from being able to be congenial to all.
And of course, sometimes, writing to an audience is simply a call out. A desire to ask people for advice. To let them know of your situation, and hope that someone can offer something substantial to the table. Some words of wisdom, or some unbiased observations to put you back on track, and try to help you emerge from the jungle.
A good friend of mine came across my blog the other day. He already knew about it early on, so it was no surprise or shock to me for him to return to read. He told me that he was surprised about what he was reading. That from our last conversation, he had been under the impression that I was over the entire situation and moved on. His comment highlights something that I have mentioned in passing before. Perhaps I am being a little too obsessive. Perhaps I should in fact stop all of this. After all, it has been close to 4 months now. You'd think I'd just "get over it" and move on...
I'm tired of having to justify all my actions. To friends, to people in general, to myself. I saw him online last night and did the usual stupid thing and unblocked him for a little while. It appears he was sick over Christmas. And we sort've half organised for him to see me today. He'll be in with a friend.
Upon later reflection, knowing that he was trying to keep his promise I think is enough. The catch here is that I have to go down to him and not the other way around - because I offered (before he asked, of course). And now I am regretting a little at having done that. On top of that, I picked up my novel yesterday at the booksales. And it has been as good as I had hoped for. Riveting reading that stopped me from sleeping until 1.30 last night, and prevented me from catching up on sleep on the trains this morning. I am currently halfway through, and am so so so tempted to push aside all my work and just sit here and finish reading it.
But yeh, I don't know if I want to go in and see him. I'm tempted not to. Perhaps knowing that he kept his promise - or tried to - is enough for me. I can't figure out whether I am trying to punish myself, trying to make this work, or simply being difficult. Maybe I'm testing him, even though I already know that he will fail. If I say no to him, it will be like water off a duck's back (for him). And then I will sit and mope about it. It would be nice for him to pine for me. It would be nice for him to offer to see me again sometime later.
It would also just be useful to start being friends with him. In meeting a friend of his today, it would be a little turning point, a little entry point into his life. My first entrance.
Yet, I am wary at progressing.
And I want to test my resolve. THe last time I tested my resolve in a relationship, the relationship fell apart. Is this what my subconscious is really trying to do? End this? Although unlike that last relationship, I can't make this failing his fault. He's not the type. And he doesn't care about me enough to.
It's just that he's so hard to read. And I have discovered that perhaps I don't really like people that are hard to read. People who are such an enigma makes it frustrating for me to hold conversations with. Especially close ones. Because I open up so much it hurts to know that he doesn't do the same. That that interaction is never reciprocated.
Maybe I just feel like I'm doing all the work again. I don't know.
I just want to wipe it all away.
Mundane Butterfly
I cleaned my room today. Vacuumed. I can see the floor again. My bed's a mess, but I can see the floor - for now.
I'm sorting out my jewellery and putting away all the books I've purchased in the last few months. The cd's are piling up too.
I think I'm just lonely.
Today will be Day Two of re-tried experiment.
I've already gone through one novel and am three quarters of the way through another. It's 10pm. Maybe I should try and sleep.
I want to go out tomorrow. THere's a booksale on. And it's calling me....
I miss you. I hope you miss me too. Do you notice my absence? It has only been a day and a half. I'm waiting to see if you'll come through with your promise about seeing me before New Years. I'm trying to see if you'll organise something. You promised. But you can forget. And I'm going to make it a bit difficult for you by not being online. I'm figuring if you're really serious about this, you will phone or sms me.
...will you?
do you miss me?
Destroying Butterfly
I am trying so hard to help you fight.
But I honestly don't know if I have it in me to do so.
I don't know if I can help you fight.
If I do this, ultimately, I may well destroy myself.
~*~*~*~
I'm so tired of playing,
Playing with this bow and arrow,
Gonna give my heart away,
Leave it to the other girls to play,
For I've been a temptress too long.
Hmm just,
Give me a reason to love you,
Give me a reason to be,
A woman.
I just wanna be a woman.
From this time, unchained,
We’re all looking at a different picture,
Through this new frame of mind,
A thousand flowers could bloom,
Move over, and
give us some room.
Yeah,
Give me a reason to love you,
Give me a reason to be,
A woman.
I just want to be a woman.
So don't you stop, being a man,
Just take a little look from our side when you can,
Sow a little tenderness,
No matter if you cry.
Give me a reason to love you,
Give me a reason to be,
A woman,
I just wanna be a woman.
It's all I wanna be, is
all woman.
For this is the beginning of forever and ever,
It's time to move over,
So I want to be.
I'm so tired of playing,
Playing with this bow and arrow,
Gonna give my heart away,
Leave it to the other girls to play.
For I've been a temptress too long.
Hmm just,
Give me a reason to love you.
Portishead - Glory Box
Trying Butterfly
I know I say this a lot, but I'll say it again: I don't know if I want you in my life. I don't think you're all that conducive to my state of mind. I don't think I really need you and what you stand for. I don't think you are what I really want or need.
Your idea of a relationship is so different to mine. So much more stark and unfathomable. So unemotional. So cold. You don't want to spend time with me. Talking to me for ten minutes is enough to make you feel gooey inside. Speaking to me on the phone, chatting to me via msn, it doesn't matter. It could be for ten seconds, but it would be enough for you. I don't think you treasure me enough. I don't think you could treasure me enough.
I want someone who's constantly dying to talk to me, to share their thoughts and opinions with me. Who's bursting with wanting to spend time with me. Sometimes it feels like I'm the only one.
I can say over and over and over that I don't think I should stay with you. I can say continuously that I don't think we could be friends. I could repeat that I don't believe we will work. I could incessantly tell myself that I should just leave, that I should cut you out of my life for good, and that we shouldn't talk, communicate or interact. But it wouldn't work.
It's just that I want to share so much with you. And often it seems like I don't really matter to you at all. I'm just some icing on the cake. A pretty flower on the shrub that you smile at in passing. It's a highlight, but it doesn't really make your day. You can be so independent. You don't need me, not really. And if you don't need me, then why should I need you?
Why should I continually give out, when it's so obvious that you won't? No matter what you say about how you want us to work, and how you're trying to sort all this out - sometimes I don't feel that you are at all. I continually feel like I'm just a speck of dust on the mantle, and nothing more. I know that it might well all be in my mind, and I just need to be reminded. But hey, you didn't even sms me a Merry Christmas. It doesn't matter that we just finished chatting online. You stayed for barely 20 minutes.
I don't mean all that much in your life. I truly don't believe I hold any position in there at all. I don't feel special at all. ANd if I don't feel special, why should I stay? When I try so hard to make you feel special. WHen you know how much you mean to me?
I just want to leave. I want to get out. I hate how I continue to break. I know that if I was patient I might still be able to keep you. But to be honest, I don't really know if I want to. Because I know that your idea of a relationship won't change. I don't think we really will see eye to eye on this issue.
We had a discussion last Sunday where we outlined potential consequences of this situation. One of them, was that we would assume that it was too hard to salvage, and that we would both walk away without ever really trying. To never go back, despite knowing how well we could be, because it was just too difficult. It brought tears to my eyes when I read that line from you. That you would think that. Even though that situation might be true, it hurt a little to think that the thought would cross your mind.
But right now, the last few days, I have wondered whether I should just do that. I have said this a million times here and I will say it again. You will never tell me what I want to hear. You will never make me truly happy, because you will never know what it is you really want. I think I should start walking away, distance myself from you. I think I should, I really do. This truly is getting us nowhere.
It often seems that no matter how many times I block you, every time I see you online, or every other day when I go online, I will unblock you. My resolve falters and breaks so easily. Sometimes it's like we have nothing to talk about anymore. I'm tired of handling all the conversation. And you never act like you're really interested in me anyway. Just polite chit chat. We don't talk like we used to. Mostly because I no longer choose to drive conversation like I used to. I've already tried to back away a little.
I don't know what to do. I want out of this rut. I want someone who can give me affection and attention. I want someone to give me all the right answers. I want someone who's truly interested in me. None of this half-interested stuff. I want someone who constantly wants to see me, who constantly wants to spend time with me. I don't want the independence stuff. It's like he's given me all this space. Not because he think it's good for me, but because it's how he likes things. Which just means that he wants his cake, and he wants to eat it too.
I know that the person I am in a relationship is entirely different to the type of person I am in general. Because I've been hurt before. I tend to shy away from relationships and truly opening up. But for the right person, I want to open up. I want them to see the real me, and I want them to appreciate what they have. It's like a gift. A personal gift to see beyond all my false and empty claims about wanting to be independent. I just want someone to love me. I want someone to make me feel wanted. I have so much neglect in my life cycle. I just want someone to fill that void.
You're not the one.
You can't be the one.
I want to drift away from you, and I hope you realise what you've lost. At the same time, I know that you will rationalise it out. I want you to go through exactly what I'm going through: 'how can you not see how good we will be together? How dare you feel that we are incompatible?'
But I know you won't.
I know you aren't sure if you want to commit 110% to me. Thanks for the ego trip. It's been wild. My self-esteem has never been at a higher place than now.
I will never hurt you the way I want to hurt you. I am too soft-hearted. The only way I can hurt you, is if I never talk to you again, and I walk out of your life completely. I might get to that stage one day. But for now I think I'll have to settle on distancing myself from you. I know that you see when I start to change the relationship. But I think you will only feel that it will be a good thing. You will "understand" and you will not fight for me. You will never *truly* fight for me, because you are a coward.
No matter what you say about how I hold more cards than I realise because you keep on coming back, I don't believe it's true. I have so many emotional insecurities. You may make me feel special sometimes, but most of the time it's because I'm looking for them, I'm asking for the comfort. I come to you. I make the first move. Not the other way around.
Wake up and smell the dandelions. I don't think he's coming back. I should just hold onto that little moment that we had, and thank the heavens that we ever had that. It will never work out because I don't think he wants it to work out. Or maybe I don't want it to work out.
I know that the minute we become friends I have to truly let go. And I'm scared that in the letting go I will never be able to love him again. I have to stop loving you before we can be friends. If I let go.... that's it. I don't think I will return. I don't think you can make me turn around. And I think that that's something you're willing to risk. In fact, quite happily willing to risk.
I don't care that right now I'm pining for Norway. It means I'm trying to run away from my problems. It means that this is too hard for me to deal with, and most likely I'm trying to use another relationship to hide the things that arre coming to light right now.
Come on, wake up and see what this truly is for crying out loud. This, whatever 'this' is, isn't going to work. You should know that by now. It's NOT GOING TO WORK. We've said too much. We've done too much. There is no going back. It will never work. He will never want me the way I want him. I don't want to wait anymore. It's too hard. It's too heart-wrenching.
I just want you to know what it is you will have lost when I leave.
There are days when All I Want Is You. When I want to spend every waking moment with you. When I want to open up my innermost soul and bare it to you. I want so desperately to trust you and love you. And I want so desperately for you to accept me. And then there will be other days when I retreat into my shell. And then as I sit there in the darkness, contemplating my future plan of attack, I start to wonder. What if it is my anger and hurt that is keeping you away? What if I become the one responsible for making you stop loving me? I don't want to deal with that. Maybe all it takes is for me to remain steadfast. To be here loving you. And maybe I can still turn you. Maybe you want me so badly, but you are just so lost, and all I have to do is stand here with the torch and guide you home. What if all it took was *one* *more* *day*? And what if I've just been to impatient to wait for that *one* *more* *day*? There are just days when I think I can make it. When I think I can wait. When I have it in me to await that *one* *day*.
...but what happens if that *one* *more* *day* doesn't come? What happens then? Where do I draw the line? I can't stand here and wait forever...
...can I?
I am such a fool.
I am trying so hard to keep myself busy and stop from reacting and thinking about you. I truly am.
I am trying so hard to keep my dignity.
I am trying so hard to pretend that I don't care.
I am trying so hard to be the something that you want/need me to be.
I am trying so hard to act independent.
I am trying so hard to quash down my feelings of neglect and loss.
I am trying so hard to be you.
Analysing Butterfly
Having said all that I said last night, I woke up from a horrible, horrible dream. My younger brother was driving us home, and didn't listen to us/me and started to speed. It was raining. I told him to slow down, which he did, but not quick enough and the car crashed. He was thrown from the vehicle. I rang for emergency. There was a misunderstanding, and they took forever to arrive. We had the crash at a t-junction on the cross street of Stacia St and some other road whose name eludes me now. To skip a whole bunch of scenes, it eventuated that no ambulance or emergency crews arrived, and an antagonistic friend drove me and my brother to the hospital. No one at the hospital would help me. When I got out of the car, my brother was bleeding from the rear. Throughout the dream I couldn't fathom what this might mean, but upon waking, I'm thinking internal bleeding. When he was lying on the tarmac he had told us that his left leg hurt, but he could still move his legs and toes. For a while, he couldn't speak either. I was so terrified that the crash would leave permanent damages.
At the hospital I was told that the emergency floor was on level 6 or something. And warned that the climb was horrible. I didn't care. I carried my brother all the way up. On the fifth level it looked like I was going to get help. Except that I watched doctors trying to defer the 'job' to another. I made a caustic remark about doctors and their fobbing off of saving a patient and went to the final floor and discovered that on this level also, no one cared. It frustrated me to no end. I tried talking to the doctors and nurses, and then bizarrely there exists another floor above full of cameras and board of directors. One lady announces that emergencies were a waste of time and told the doctors to stop operating and take a break. Or something to that effect. Meanwhile, there I was standing there, with my brother in my arms, sort've slung over my shoulder, who's just suffered from a severe car crash, and has started to bleed from his behind. And no one would help. I ended up wandering down one level thinking even if doctors were indifferent on the floor below, at least they kind've were interested in saving a life. I went down there, opened a door to the side, walked in and saw my boss, who was telling a whole bunch of people how stubborn I was not to wait for the emergency crew, the 'rangers' - who had ironically been waiting for a follow up confirmation call before they came. (which I never made because I had misunderstood what they meant).
I have tried to piece together what certain aspects of this dream means. According to dreammoods.com, my brother symbolises an aspect of me, most likely my masculine side. So maybe what I'm afraid of is my current situation. I'm afraid that my masculine side is taking over and I'm terrified that it will take over me and die. Maybe I'm afraid that I'm being way too vulnerable in my current situation and I will only get hurt. The blood symbolises loss. Maybe I'm afraid of the direction I'm taking with all of this, because I went to bed with the mindset that I was going to see if I could in fact just treat him as a friend and quit with all this love mumbo jumbo. Maybe I got scared that if I followed through with putting up the walls up (the masculine side of my psyche) that it would ultimately kill me. Maybe I'm just scared of the consequences this will bring.
THe fact that I was in a hospital and that no one cared about the medical emergency also might mean that I'm watching this relationship doomed to failure and no one cares. None of us save me seems to care that this is all going downhill and that we could crash and burn so badly.
No one cares. Or more succintly, *he* doesn't care. I sat in the car last night trying to think about it all, and trying to put myself in his position. If I didn't know what I wanted, how would I take his constant presence in my life? Would I feel comforted that someone loved me and was simply waiting for me to make up my mind? Or would I get annoyed, and wish that they'd take the hint and just leave me alone? I'm trying to understand this so that I can do the right thing.
My eyes are starting to feel a little heavy again. That was a horrible dream to have to go through. It's 7.53 am here. Hopefully I'll be able to go back to sleep and dream of something less violent and emotional.
The irony is that earlier, prior to this dream, I was dreaming about trying to take photographs of the moon. Haunting pictures that had an urban myth attached that the moon would disable all control and allow for true feelings to surface, leading to many couples forming. According to that website, dreaming of the moon depicts your feminine side. And trying to take photographs means you're trying to hold onto something. So maybe I'm also trying to hold onto my love for him. I'm trying to preserve the very feminine motives and feelings, the side of myself that is willing to forgive him.
Maybe those two dreams are just trying to show my subconcious mind that my two sides are warring, battling out how to deal with this situation, and see who is dominant. Something perhaps obvious when you sit down and think about it. Maybe all this is doing is reminding/reinforcing those thoughts and putting some perspective on what is happening.
Unfortunately rather than wake up feeling refreshed or gaining more insight into anything, it's more like I've woken up feeling blood in my mouth.
The terror that I felt when I thought I was losing my brother, is not a feeling I would wish on anyone. Am I really that scared to let this relationship go?
Sickened Butterfly
Sometimes I feel like such a fool. I feel like such a loser. I really should just bite the bit and get over all of this.
When I sit down and really think about it all, this is such a waste of my time. I begin to feel so down and miserable.
There is no way but through. But I just want to go around. Because I can't go through.
I know deep down that you will still leave me, and that I won't be enough for you. It is just your guilt and your loneliness that speaks. Your desires and certain aspects of yourself that want me, and nothing more. Everything else you will get from just being friends with me.
I do in fact wonder if you are just worth the friendship. We can't turn things back to start over. It's just not possible. Too much water under the bridge. Or maybe I just mentally refuse. I've been through too much to just throw it all away.
I'm such a liar.
I'm such a cheapskate when it comes to love.
Go away all of you and never come back. I need to start living, and I know that it's not going to happen anytime soon.
I am such a loser.
Festi-fying Butterfly
I'm going out tonight. It's mum's birthday. It's *her* birthday and I'm organising the evening to do things that *i* like. We're going out to dinner, and then gatecrashing some carols by the harbour, followed by checking out the Christmas lights in the city, before getting around to going to mass at midnight.
It's also his birthday today. He seemed pretty pleased with his Birthday present on Tuesday. I wanted to hear the words, 'this is the best present I've ever had' or something to that effect, but no go. Oh well.
I was chatting to him online last night. I left before midnight. I figured I'd done enough to celebrate his birthday, and anyway, I was feeling really sleepy. I ended up msging him this morning to wish him officially 'happy birthday'. Anything more, and that'll be going overboard. There are limits to making friends feel special on their birthdays. He's not that close for me to go into stalker-mode. Even I can feel myself mentally cringing at the thought at making any more of a big deal about this. ugh.
I got him 3 presents, I got him a birthday card, i wished him an early birthday greeting last night, and I msged him this morning. Enough, ya? It's a hell of a lot more than he ever did for me. He turned down my invitation to my birthday party. He ended up not getting me a gift because at the time we were negotiating where we were standing and i felt bad for him to fork out money for me, when it was obvious that i was staying with my then boyfriend. He also had promised to have lunch with me to make up for cancelling on my birthday. Yeh, still waiting. Although, we did end up talking on the phone the eve of my birthday so that he was the very first to wish me happy birthday, and from memory i think he was also the last to wish me happy birthday. he did email me as well as msg me a birthday greeting also. Anyway, my three gifts make up for anything that I'm lacking.
Yeh, whatever.
I hope tonight won't be cold. I'm planning on wearing a thin pretty black skirt. and my jacket really doesn't go with the outfit. Although the weather doesn't exactly look promising. THey're forecasting rain. 29-32 today most likely due to high humidity. The overcast clouds don't make it any more reassuring either. I'm looking out at the windows from work, and yeh, it's like a grey pea soup sky. This weather is just crazy.
I guess I should get around to doing some work today. It's Christmas Eve. Chances are people will all take half-days off. I'm wondering if I can do that also... *wicked grin* although what i'm going to do for four hours dressed to the nines in the city at midday is beyond me...
I have been thinking a lot more on the situation, but I'll probably post it up later. Let it mull again until it's battering against my head to be let out. It's not so much that I can't type it out right now, but I just don't feel like it. or whatever... blah.
song of the moment is Grinspoon. Not so much because I echo their sentiments, but more because the song gives me some food for thought. the lyrics are most probably to be deleted and pasted onto tomorrow's post or later in the sidebar. but for now, these lyrics give me pause and makes me question where i currently stand - tell me, *am* i better off alone? has it all come down to this in the end?
I never gave a reason
Of why I didnt call
And now I've grown so tired
Of lying to myself
It can not go unsaid
I regret what they know
Don't think it's all been a waste of time
Are you better off alone?
Stop lying to yourself
I regret what was said
I deny what they know
Are you better off alone?
And those that we admired
All stood their grounds and cried
I didn't start the fire
I just tried to see your eyes
It can not go unsaid
I only want you to know
I think its all going to work out fine
Are we better off alone?
(Are you better off alone?)
Than lying to ourselves
(Than lying to ourselves)
Who cares what they said
Who cares what they know
Are we better off alone?
I know, that my love I'll send
Could we still be friends? But this is the end
I think its all going to work out fine
We're better off alone
(Are you better off alone?)
Than lying to ourselves
(Than lying to ourselves)
I don't care what you said
I don't care what I know
Don't say its all been a waste of time
Are You better off alone
(Send my love)
Stop lying to your self
(Send my love)
It can not go unsaid
(Send my love to you)
I only want you to know
It can not go unsaid
I only want you to know
I think its all going to work out fine
Grinspoon - Better Off Alone
Office Butterfly
Office politics is like wading through a minefield in a swamp. You never know when you are going to step on toes. On the outside, it looks so peaceful and calm. But once you get your feet wet, you can quickly get your toes bitten, or find yourself out of your depth. The rips and tides are so unpredictable.
I think I just stuffed up again. It sucks to be able to see everyone's point of view. Sometimes it's like I readily accept things without being aware of the fallout. And then it's like I just got played. Ignorance of consequences in office environs is a handicap that most cannot afford. And I know I'm one of the masses who would totally agree with that premise.
Just ignore me, I'm just off a little office let-go.
Grrr....
Unhappy Butterfly
3:46 PM
*angst* *angst* *angst*
I have been sitting here reliving yesterday, trying to pick it apart. Seeing if there's anything that I've missed.
You asked me to help you fight.
..I don't know if I can
~*~*~*~
11:09 AM
I want to hide and never come out. I don’t want to deal with consequences. I just want us to be happy with what we have. ‘Friends’ is such an operative word. I want to be able to hug and hold you whenever I want. I want you to show your care and affection. I want you to want to take care of me.
I don’t want to slow this. I don’t want to know that your affection stems from loneliness. I don’t need to know that you’re starved from affection and that you look to me as an outlet. I don’t want to suffer anymore.
I’m sorry for all the wrong I’ve done. I’ll own up, but I don’t want you to leave me. I want more of yesterday. I want us to be able to talk. I want to be able to share everything with you, and I want it to be reciprocated. But I don’t really need for things to really accelerate. I just want to be secure in the knowledge that we can show each other affection. I want things to be good between us.
I don’t need things to be extremely serious, what with meeting parents and being responsible for each other. I just want the security.
I know that you're hard to read. You admitted it yourself. That no one can second-guess you, and that you hold all your cards tight.
Y'know, I’m so jealous of your best friend. Even though she has someone, the position that she holds in your life - I’m so jealous. You are secure in that relationship. She holds a place that I can never enter. I am the outsider. The amount of times you mentioned her yesterday... I'm sure that you never talk about me in any form with other friends...
Someone kill me now. End this for me. Take me out. I don't want to go through this again. I should know better than to hope. I should know better than to envisage and assume things that may well still not become a reality. I will not beg. I will not ask. Can I not beg? Can I not ask?
Please, let me end this...
~*~*~*~
Interesting line from yesterday's forecast:
The only way to win is to stop caring so much about whether or not you lose
dammit.
~*~*~*~
Sometimes I wonder if we're just going around and around in circles. In trying to move forward, are we simply reliving it all over again? Have we in fact gotten off the tracks? Have we deviated from the previous path, or are we still there?
It would be better if the love and desire had never been spoken. If the passion was hidden and not so evident. If we had never talked about it in the first place. If we had remained good friends. I want to go back - but I can't.
Perhaps if I had another option physically manifest before me, this would not be a problem; he would not be a problem.
However, my option is a 40-hour flight away. And that option will not be viable for at least two years.
What happens after he makes his decision? What if it's another 'no, I just want to be friends?' What happens then? Will I be able to accept it? Maybe it's just better that I leave. That I let go. Yet it is so difficult.
Sometimes I wonder if I complicate things more than necessary. I don't want to betray your faith, trust and love in me. At least you know right now there is a 2 year window before things could change. You know now that I have other options.
How does a relationship "go slow" anyway? You promised me that you would see me between Christmas and New Years. I won't bring it up again.
There are so many phrases that have become so reduendant. 'I will stay away' 'I will not go online' 'I will not talk to you' 'I will give myself some time alone' 'we should have some space' 'I can't be friends with you' - they've all been said before. With vehemence, with anger, with resolve. Yet these days whenever I type these words up, I can only laugh at myself. The mantra is getting old, and the situation does not change. What am I going to do with you?
Your voice yesterday, whispering to me, "what are we going to do?"
God....
Why can't we just get out of this?
But what happens if you say no? Will I be able to take the rejection again? Knowing that he'll sort this out...
How do you progress forwards? By going backwards? By stopping the love and the emotion, and the feeling? By killing your own heart in order to survive? Can I really wait that long before you can give me that answer that I'm constantly craving? What happens when things change? This all becomes such a tragedy...
I need to get out of this. I really, *really* need to go to Norway...
Aching Butterfly
I don't know what to do. I miss you terribly. I had a lovely day today, and we had a deep heart-to-heart. Again, you decide what will happen, and again all I can do is wait. Because deep down you don't know what you really want. You are a disturbed soul. You want me so badly, but you don't want to hurt me again. And as last time showed, when you went into something without being 100% sure, we crashed and burned. And as you said the other night, last time was not your finest hour.
I don't know what to do with you. I want you so badly. I want to love you properly. You whispered to me today that you loved me. Even in my haze of tears I heard it. But I didn't acknolwedge it. You whispered it so quietly to me. I didn't have the heart to call you on it.
You asked me yourself tonight, 'what were we supposed to do?' I don't know what we're going to do. I don't want you to leave me. It doesn't help me that you can tell me through and through that you want me in your life. That's not enough for me.
This is such a horrible situation to be in. I appreciate that you can't give me a true answer until you know for certain what you can and can't give. And all I can do is be patient and wait.
But this wait is agony. And it's not even like I can make this easier on myself. I can't disrobe myself from you. I can't stop myself from caring. It's like a trainwreck. An oncoming trainwreck that I cannot walk away from.
Anxious Butterfly
What happens when you're absolutey terrified that a fragile situation will fall apart? What happens when you are so scared that the next conversation you have with someone will be the last? What happens when you become so afraid that the next time you see them that your world will break apart?
It's not a nice place to live in.
He suggested that we go down to the lake tomorrow morning. It sounds fine by me. I'm relishing the time with him. But at the same time, I'm scared. I'm scared that he will want to talk, and he will tell me that this isn't going to work out.
And just this morning I was contemplating to hold 'the talk' myself =P I guess I can just ask to be reassured tomorrow. I don't know if he's still upset about yesterday. or if he's already brushed it aside. I'm scared. I really don't know how to let go.
I just don't know anymore..
Disconsolate Butterfly
I honestly do not know what to do about you. I have no clue how to work this out. At times I sicken myself with the way things go, and I know that the only way out of this hellhole is forward. I can't help the way things are. I guess I never recognise how foolish I am to chase after certain dreams unless it's too late. I don't want to lose you. I'm terrified I will - and for the last time. You hold me back from exploring opportunites with other people. Yet you light up my life like nothing I have ever experienced. And for that alone, there are a multitude of reasons for me to stay.
I know you are trying so hard. You pointed out that all your actions were towards me rather than away, and yet I still worry that you'll leave me. I guess this time around I'm the one looking for the catch. I'm the one who thinks that maybe your return is too good to be true. And I'm waiting for the other penny to drop. I know that I'm a difficult person to be around, and I know that I can make the most simplest thing complex. But to be honest, even after telling you all my thoughts and concerns, I still feel troubled. I don't feel that we've reached any new ground. If anything, I feel at a loss.
There are many avenues that this could take and as I mentioned last week, I don't even know if my motives are pure.
I know I need to wait for you. But it's just that I'm so scared of putting myself out there for you again. Even though in some ways, I already have. I guess all I really want is out of this situation. If I could spend all my time in your arms being hugged, and have you whisper sweet nothings in my ear, that would be enough.
In many ways I'm haunted by our past. I feel the echoes of it every way I turn. And I don't know how to exorcise those demons, when talking it out with you no longer works.
I guess I just feel like I stuffed up last night. I started something that perhaps we weren't ready to finish. While you torture yourself over devoting to me 110%, I'm just looking for someone to give me the time of day.
And I know that talking to you is useless. I went to bed last night with clumps of conversation trapped in my head. I was crafting paragraphs in my head. But I didn't have the effort to put them down in writing.
This situation is so helpless. Maybe I'm not even looking for an answer. Maybe knowing that you're there, and that you want me is enough.
You read something out of my statements last night that gave me pause. You questioned whether just 'being friends' with you was worth it. And my response told you that perhaps I believe that you aren't worth it if we are just friends. That you are only worth it if we are in a relationship. I don't know what to think or feel about that.
It's just been such a hard and difficult road to walk. I wonder if it's really worth it in the end.
In many ways, I know that the only way I can not care about the way things are, is to not feel. And if I don't feel, well, then that's it. There's nothing left to salvage.
Family doesn't make it easy for me to be in a relationship either. My mother is like a dragon. And I know that I myself have issues. Lots and lots of them. And that since she disapproves, I find it difficult to remain. I try so hard to keep everyone happy. And while I know that if this worked out, it would be so great and golden, I also know that my mother could still ruin it all for me. I wish so often she didn't have such great influence on my life. But she does. And for better or worse, when she goes, it will devastate me, despite all the freedom it will bring. She has been hurt herself and that's why she cautious me so. If I was true to myself, it wouldn't matter so much. But so often I feel like a little lost girl trying to find her way home, and looking for mother's constant approval before taking a step.
There are many extremes in my personality. Many facets to the glass. And I know that the person deep down is the polar opposite to the tough cynical exterior.
I don't know if we talk about this in person, whether we will come out of it any better. I don't know if we pretend that nothing happened, and we forged on, whether that would work either. I do not want to trivialise this relationship. I do not want to compromise what we have.
I know that I am quick to the draw, and I may well shoot you before the chips are down. I also know that I don't know what I really want, and other than the abject knowledge that when things are good with you - they're *really* good, I have no other indications.
You make me smile, you make me laugh, you light up my life like christmas light trimmings on a dowdy house, transforming it into a magical wonderland. I don't believe that I have ever met a person like you before. There is no equal to you elsewhere in my life. You can disable me with your charms quicker than a retaliatory rattlesnake in a confined corner.
Yet you don't always give me the right answers. My Norweigen friend the other night made statements. Declared his devotion, and paved a road for me to walk on. Despite my qualms, I have another road if I choose to take it. Yet, you hold me back. You make me hesitate to go elsewhere.
I feel comfortable with you. No pretention, no facades. I can just be me.
Why is it though, that I always make an impact on guys, but it is never enough to have them by my side? Is it just me? Am I the constant variable in this equation? Maybe I don't really want the outcome to this game. Maybe I'm just giving my ego and vanity a nice long run? Maybe all it is, is just a state of mind?
There is no 'out' in this situation. No safe place to hide. I see you tomorrow, and I don't know how to act. I have decided to show you my remorse through gift-giving. Your Simpsons dvd box set, an astro boy phone cover, and a box of Panadol/Nurofen. If you're going to hang around me long term - you're gonna need them =P
I just want you in my life. I want you. And perhaps I'm not willing to settle for any less. I don't want to force your hand. I really don't. I want you to come of your own free will despite my stupid angsty comments. It's not that I don't mean what I say, it's just that I do accept reality when I have no choice. It doesn't matter what I say or do, it's the end game that counts. And to be honest, sometimes ironically I don't even know what that end game is. I know that that doesn't help matters much. I know that I muddy the waters to no end. And I know that I'm complex to a fault. But I'm at a loss as to how to fix things.
When I see you tomorrow, can I hug you? And then, can I make a request to pretend that Sunday never happened? And nice as it might be to request that we talk, maybe I need to stop spilling my guts out to you every 10 seconds. Maybe all we need to do is just move on. I don't want to be here. It's not even the limbo or steady ground. I just wish we could erase Sunday, and remain with the thoughts and feelings of Wednesday - that nothing matters, as long as I know that you want to make this work, and that you're willing to try and make me feel worth your concern. I don't want to go through this again. I really don't. It's unproductive and painful.
Maybe it was wrong of me to bring up my concerns in the first place, and I get so lost in your presence that clarity just vanishes completely.
I guess at the end of the day, I just want you to appreciate me. Be grateful that I'm giving you the time of day. And quit with all the arrogance, the control and the high and mighty indifference.
Inner Butterfly
Life it seems is never a steady line to the finish. Why is it when they come, they all come at once? And at inopportune moments? When nothing can be done?
I know that I am a scaredy cat. That my true life existence is to continually complicate the most simplest of things. I want everything and more. On one hand I have a guy who sometimes appears emotionally crippled, who makes me do all the hard work and makes me feel stupid and foolish because I am constantly at his beck and call. Yet when he is sweet and tender, I become so infatuated with it all, that I dismiss everything out of mind and declare my undying love.
On the other hand, I have a guy who is a continual flirt who underneath it all, is in fact a gentleman. Who will take me out of my depth, make me like it, but at the same time, seemingly hover in the background to make sure that I'm ok. Yet other than his looks, and the flattery associated with knowing that a 'man' is in fact interested in me, I seem to wander a bit. While I echo many of his passions the intensity that he goes about them scares me a little. Well, not so much 'scare' as ... puts me off. I'd just like to take the easy road and enjoy life and have fun. Sit back and be able to laugh at everyone, including myself. While he seems a little more serious about it all. It might be the age difference, it might be the cultural background. Or it just might be a personality clash.
Yet despite all the traits and faults between these two people, I think deep down I am emotionally scarred enough to be desperate to hold onto anyone who ever expresses interest. I am not the type of girl who dismisses you out of hand. If you profess interest, I will be curious and remain to see what type of person you are. I think the good ol' 'can't say no' problem is a sticking factor with me. And that's not really a good thing.
I don't really know who to trust. deep down I think I'm scared that if I think too highly of myself in the emotional realm that no one will want me. Maybe deep down I am a desperate soul looking for affirmation of my existence. And I hide this in layers of cynicism.
Last night I wwas given a lot of food for thought. Maybe I can go away and try to digest some of it and see where it takes me. Hopefully I will have no contact with Him until Tuesday when we go into uni.
Meanwhile, I want the chance to try and sort some things out. I know that loneliness, time by myself and so forth is good for soul-clearing. But to be honest, while I can quite happily exist on my own, I also do very much want company. I crave for company like a dehydrated man in the desert for water. I crave societal acceptance. I know it's shallow and bad of me. I know I should stand up for myself. And in pockets of safety like in groups of close friends, I can take the reins and pretend that I am boss of the Universe. However, not everyone is part of that close group of friends. And so often I find myself relegated to the fringes, until someone deigns to spend some attention and time on me. I know that I can stand on my own when it comes to social gatherings. But deep down, deep, deep down, I just want someone interested in me. I want that acceptance. And sometimes I can't even tell if that acceptance will come after someone gives me their undying love, or if acceptance comes after I can enchant the entire world to fall in love with me.
Anyhow, I better get up out of bed. I have to go to the doctor's today and pick up my blood test results. Ugh. I better not have anything wrong with me. Last I need is to be told I'm on the verge of something like Diabetes, or that my blood sugar is low, or that I need more iron intake, or god forbid I have some unkillable disease. I've lost a lot of weight lately. More than is healthy. I'm currently at 47kg. Which scares the doctor and mum. It doesnt bother me. If anything I'm concerned that once I start gaining it all back, that I have to put away all my new lovely clothes. I like the way things sit on me right now. And that's not to say I'm anorexic. Because honestly, I love to eat. It's just that lately I get so tired after coming home from work that I don't feel like eating. And on top of that, having to deal with him the last three months have taken out any appetite that I used to have.
The thing with him though, is that he tells me that he wants us to be friends. What I noticed last night though was that I automatically went into 'wanting more' mode, and tried to read more into things. This of course led me to foolish actions and later idiotic ranting at self. I'm hoping the next three days will help clear my head a little. I should stay away from the net. And anyway, after Tuesday, most likely I will not see him until the new year. I'm free for New Years Eve, as much as I want to go out on the town. *sigh* No one has time for me anymore.
Btw, I decided to give him the Simpsons thing as his birthday gift. *shrug*
ANyhow, best to leave now before I get discovered blogging online at 8am in the morning when I should be getting ready to go out.
Have a nice weekend poppies. It's supposed to go up to 38 or 40 this sunday. *sweats*
Losing Butterfly
I'm an idiot.
Enough said.
Bored Butterfly
It's 4.21pm. I'm at work. And I'm procrastinating. I went out and bought Alias Season 2 for $64.98 (i.e. $65). I also bought Simpsons Season 4 box set for him. He wanted it, so I bought it so he could pay me back. BUT. It's his birthday next Friday. I'm tempted to just write it off, and go, 'Happy Birthday/Merry Christmas'. BUT. Does he deserve a gift? I never got a birthday gift... and I doubt very much that he'll get me a Christmas gift. So why should I? Why should I spend the money on him? Actually, I know for a fact that he doesn't buy friends Christmas presents. And I really could get away with not getting him anything at all... and even though I'm working full-time now, it really isn't like I'm made of money or anything. Money is still tight in this household. And there I go spending all my money on DVD box sets. *sigh*
What's a girl to do? =P Well I have a few days to sort it out. I haven't decided yet. And I haven't told him what to do about it either. He just thinks that he's paying me back for it. But if I really wanted to, I could just write it off as his Birthday/Christmas present. It's legitimate in its own way...
I'm actually feeling sleepy and lethargic. Work has been bad all day. The systems have been continually down, and the outages have driven me nuts. I have barely done anything productive all day because of it. And then I spent close to 3 hours all up at Jb HiFi looking at all the bargains. I'm going down to Kmart tomorrow to pick up Pirates of the Carribean and the Maroon 5 cd. And there goes all my money... Work is paying us upfront for the Christmas season. I really do need the money. And I'm treating mum to dinner next Friday night. And I still have to buy my brother's christmas/birthday present (very expensive). THe place where I could get it cheap for, I probably won't... unless I can convince everyone to come into the city on Saturday... since the booksale will be on until then. - actually, nevermind. I just rang the bookstore up, they don't have it in stock. But yeh, the whole point of this paragraph was just that I still have money I need to burn (whether I want to or not). I need to stop buying... Grrr.... that's the only bad thing about working in the city...
I'm going out with work ppl for drinks tonight. I won't stay long. But guaranteed I'll come home reeking of beer and cigarettes (yaay!). It was bad enough the other day walking into a pub to access the ATM. To be honest, all I *really* want to do is go home and sleep. Well, that and listen to music. I got around to downloading another music program the other night. *looks around paranoidly* So now I can up my dosage of music appreciation and find a few more cds to buy *gives the music industry a pointed look* As much as I like my mp3 collection, I do chafe a bit at the bounds and limitations of a grounded collection. At least now I can improve on it. I left the net on last night to download. I think I got about just under 20 odd songs. I got woken up halfway through the night by my Norweigen friend who msged me demanding to know what the hell I was doing still up. Of course by the time I heard the msn buzzer thing, he'd already disappeared. Oh well. I thought msn was disabled anyway. Apparently it was the msn network passport thingy. *Shrug*
So yeh, I'm just rambling away here, because I *really* don't want to do work, and I've just about hassled everyone in my department for entertainment. Man, I'm so bored.
I get to talk to him tonight =) ASsuming that he sticks to that suggestion on Wednesday about us catching up tonight, I will be able to chat to him for a few solid hours. THat will be nice. Maybe what it is I'm looking for, is in fact companionship. He seriously can make a perseon/me feel like I'm the only person in the world. I know that I have to start really acting and feeling independent. But at the very least, I can incorporate him into my plans now. All I have to do is be patient. And even though I know I'm a terribly impatient person, at the very least knowing that he does in fact want more, and is in fact interested, is enough to placate me (for now).
Sometimes I get a bit paranoid that I'm abusing work resources. Using the phone to ring home (mobile), using the phone to ring a dozen stores to make sure I got the best deal on my dvd box sets, taking that three hour lunch break (well it wasn't a full 3 hours, it was done in hour and a half increments), coming in late and leaving early, saying that I didn't feel well and leaving work to spend the rest of the day at his house, etc etc. I'm really not a bad employee. I'm not. And next week I'm going into uni to pick up my thesis and to tie up all the administrative loose ends.
*yawn*
I'm so sleepy. I wish 5.30 would come sooner so I could go home...
And meanwhile, I still haven't made that decision yet about what to do about that DVD box set. Do I get the money back, or do I just give it to hiim as a birthday present? It's not like *i* got a birthday present from him. And the fact that I specifically asked for no present doesn't count, because there was *context* at the time...
*yawns*
Truthful Butterfly
One of the most asked questions, is 'what is the meaning to life?' Countless people have sought to answer this question, and constantly we are curious as to the beginnings, justifications and reasoning behind our existence.
However, the question that I seek to ask, I find is much more profound. What my dear friends, is Love? What defines it? Is it that indescribable feeling that we want to spend time with a person? Is it the choice and desire to care about someone other than yourself or immediate family? Is it a chemical reaction in your brain that compels you to do things that you normally wouldn't?
Emotions are the hardest to control. They overtake you and run the gamut without you being allowed to say yay or nay. You simply, 'do.' What happens to us?
After my decision to accept my relationship/friendship status anew, I am trying to ponder on these questions and come to some defined reality. I have been warned by friends to be careful, so as not to go through all this pain and remorse over again. I adhere to their warnings. I don't think or feel there is any right way to go about a relationship though. As he keeps on telling me, rules don't seem to apply to us. Normality is not a definition that applies to us. I know that we fluctuate on many levels. I know that often we are not constant.
I am also aware that love is always fleeting, and that pain seems to be the constant. Why do I want to commit to something that will potentially hurt me down the road? What can I learn from this? What do I want from this? Will having you back in my life truly enrich me? Or will it simply bring about a long-winded way to re-experience hearthache and pain?
I don't have the answers. I don't know where to go from here. I will try my best to make this work, and I hope that you will also. But I can't help but question where we are truly going. I don't want to look back on this and think, 'well that was a waste of x years and effort.' I don't want this to end. I want this to remain. And as always, good things never last. This is just the beginning, and I acknowledge that at these beginnings the days are filled with promise. And there is promise in the air. I can feel it.
Yet... I am also afraid of this promise. I don't know if I want to deal with the later downfalls. I don't want to go back to 'friendship' alone. I know that there are many things that cannot be answered right now, that only being friends can (hopefully).
If anything though, I am heartened by the fact that you have told me upfront that you want more. That means a lot to me. Whether this means that I am reading too much into it, or adding assumptions that I shouldn't add, well, I don't know.
I went into yesterday prepared for the worst. So nervous at seeing you. I had butterflies in my stomach for the last three stations. ANd when I saw you, and you hugged me, and could barely stop hugging me for the entire day...
All I wanted was to be close to you. To feel you again, and to be able to come to you for comfort.
I hope you felt the same way. I hope that you can feel what it is that I feel. And while I noted that you did not tell me that you loved me, only that you liked me, I know that I in turn, did in fact tell you that I loved you. I know my reasoning behind it. I know that it was probably not the best thing to do. But it seems that love never falls far from the Honesty Tree.
I hope that we can work this out. ANd me being the coward that I am, I hope that I can live with whatever happens. Because I don't want to face a moment down the road when I discover that you in fact do *not* love me, or do *not* care about me *that* way. I know that you will always care about me. But that doesn't mean much, when caring about someone, loving someone, and being *in* love with someone are three entirely different things.
What is love really? How can it benefit our lives? What benefit is there in us putting our little heart on our sleeves and constantly being rejected? Is the euphoria that comes with love honestly worth all the pain and suffering at the end? Is this why friendship is always the safer option? I no longer know if I want to face love.
And I also question whether it is truly *you* that I want to settle down with. I'm scared that in you being ready to commit to me, I discover that you aren't what I really want. ANd while I managed to dodge the bullet this time around, this by no means guarantees that you will not tell me somewhere down the track that we won't work out. The risks are so great. The falls are so deep. The potential for pain, so plentiful.
You told me last night that if I had been hostile towards you, you would never have suggested that we try again. That you would have called it quits and admitted that it was all over. How was I to know that so much hung on the balance.
I never believed it was difficult to get along with me. I try my hardest to be a congenial person. Yet you pointed out to me how you could interact with a dozen 'me's in a three hour conversation, and how that constantly threw you. Guess I am a gemini after all...
But what you told me last night has indeed given me pause. Food for thought. What is it that I want from you? You manage to hide so much from me. And while we will work around trying to compromise to each other's needs and wants, well... at the same time, I don't know what it is we're really after. Companionship? Love? Friendship? Someone to be there? I don't want to help you become a better person for someone else. I am selfish that way. I want you for myself. ANd I want no one else to have you. Very selfish. But true.
As I went to sleep last night, I also recognised that perhaps I should tell you about this page. I don't want you to think that I'm betraying you by putting my thoughts up about you on here. But how to broach the subject? How to make it alright? How to make sure that you will never be upset that I have broadcast your actions to the world? You have seen much of my ugly side. But there are still layers of me and facets of me that you haven't seen. There are stories of me that I haven't told you.
I want to be the closest person you ever have had. I want to be. But what I can't pinpoint is whether that is the genuine thing, or if it's the vanity talking again.
Time is where it's all at. I know that. and I know that you're trying to pace ourselves. I know that I shouldn't have emailed you today about that book sale, but I did. And it's too late to retract now. The best I can do is refrain from talking to you tonight. Maybe I'll go and finish a novel, or take a few photos. I didn't get around to buying my 2 dvds today (
The Last Samurai, and
Pirates of the Carribean) because a co-worker asked me for advice on her love life. Not that I'm the best person to be talking to about all of this. I only know what I went through/am going through, and my trains of thought and vindictive, spiteful and bitter nature isn't necessarily a good place to be working for. There should be less of me in the world, not more =)
Overall though, I'm still back to the same old question. What is love? Why do we feel this, and what does it really mean? How does love fit into the big equation, and is it really worth it all in the end?
I will try my best to be patient and sit this out. I promise I will. In the meantime though, I do often wonder whether doing this is the right thing. I can't help it though, that knowing that you still want me makes me light up and smile. But the knowledge that this could still crumble away still worries me. It gives me pause, and makes me wonder whether I am in fact doing the right thing. Am I going too fast again? Have I not read all the instructions? Did I just run another red light?
Or am I just a lonely, desperate little girl looking for someone to love and care for me?
It's just that the possibility for downfall and breakdown is so high.
Unsure Butterfly
For all those who have stuck by me in the last three months, you are all going to hate me. I went down to see him today. We have agreed to be friends and see how things go from there. He told me that he did want more. But in order for that to happen friendship had to happen first.
I don't know if I'm 100% happy/sure with the answers. I don't know 100% if this is what I truly want for myself. The idea of being able to let go of the burden of bitterness and anger is both exciting and worrying for me.
I don't know if being tied back down into this friendship/relationship is what I truly want deep down. In many ways he is an imperfect person. But then again, everyone is. Is he truly what I want? I don't know.
Can I live without him? I can, and I can't. Does he enrich my life? Yes. Does he make me happy when things are going well? Yes. Does everyone make me happy when things go well? Yes. He's in this for the long haul. I know this. But the question to ask right now, is am I? Was all this about me winning? Was this what it all boiled down to? At the end of the day was I just upset over someone believing that I wasn't worth fighting for? Was I honestly that bad? That I could be looked over? And now that I'm told that I actually *am* worth fighting for, does that make everything ok?
I was so nervous going in to see him today. So many things said, so many things left unsaid. So many questions asked, so many left by the wayside. He promised me that he would not dismiss me so easily this time around. It makes me wonder if he did in fact dismiss me in the first place. It is always interesting to see how people view you. And whether the way they view the situation is similar to the way that you view the situation yourself.
I know there are differences to us. I hope that we work out. I don't think I want to go through all the heartbreak again. I know that I can come out stronger than before. I also know that I'm messed up. Is today really the end of all discussion? Is this it? Can I never bring it all up again? I don't know. Is it the next time we talk about all this relationship stuff, will be the day we decide to go one step further? I don't know.
I just want him to show that he cares about me. He tells me that I should know that he cares. I just want him to make me a priority in his life. I don't want him to pick his friends over me, and I want him to make time for me, and act like he wants to see me, and spend time with me. I didn't make that request 100% clear.
Here's to time.
*raises glass*
So here goes nothing...
Schick Bufferfly
Days pass by. One by one. Hour by Hour, Minute by Minute, Second by Second. Sometimes we are aware of time passing. And sometimes it's all over before we even realise.
The last 24? 36? 48? hours have passed me by. I'm at home today. Not at work. Schick as a dog. Well, not really... I woke up feeling dizzy and nauseus. So i was dragged kicking and screaming to the doctor who promptly stuck a needle in my arm and told me to lie down. *mutters* yeh.. it's *so* not gonna hurt.. to have something sharp jammed into your arm. Why don't you let *me* jam something into *your* arm. See if it hurts then. huh? HUH???
*straightens shirt*
So apparently I might have some virus or something. That or I'm losing too much weight (insert concerned parent and doctor faces here). And maybe I'm down in iron and my liver just died after two glasses of riesling. Yeh right. So what if I guzzled it down? I know you're supposed to sip the damn stuff, but it tasted too good. And I was thirsty.
I bought this killer dress today. Full-length, black. It makes me look so tall and willowy, which is *really* cool considering that I'm a measly 5'2. Not that I actually have anywhere to wear this beautiful dress. Hell it took me two years to wear the little black one I wore for my work Christmas party.
Every once in a while the dizziness or something like it comes back. I'm tempted to go and lay down to sleep. Except that I have to go and take my contacts out first. I swear that's the only bad thing about wearing these things....
Maybe I'll go and watch another ALIAS dvd.
Sleep... Alias.... Sleep... Hrmm... decisions, decisions...
~*~*~*~
Excerpt of the Day:
I'm starting to fashion an idea in my head
Where I would impress you
With every single word I said.
Would come out insightful or brave or smooth or charming
And you'd want to call me
And I would be there every time
You'd need me
I'd be there every time...
But for now I'll look so longingly
Waiting...
For you to want me,
For you to need me,
For you to notice me
Dashboard Confessional - For you to notice me
Conflicted Butterfly
I am a conflicted individual. Don't ask me why. I just know that I am. And it seems there is nothing I can do about it.
Forgetting Butterfly
I've just woken up and I can still feel the fuzzy edges of sleep around my consciousness. I've been lying here in bed curled around my pillow thinking...
I mentioned this in passing the other day, and I have wondered if I am *not* letting go by the simple fact that I am constantly devoting a few moments each day to blog out how I am feeling over this situation. Maybe ironically by the very act of doing this, I am somehow not letting go...?
Perhaps by *not* talking about all of this stuff I might be able to better go about my life. Whether it will work or not will depend on numerous factors methinks. Either way, I think it is a worthwhile experiment to attempt.
So if you're coming here for a daily dose of emotional angst, bear with me. I'm going to attempt some fairly neutral, potentially bland, blog entries. There is more to this butterfly than emotional instability I can assure you. But then again, a peaceful butterfly doesn't exactly make for entertaining reading =P LOL. ...although when I started caring about what other people thought when coming across this blog, instead of just treating this thing as what I had originally intended as an outlet for all my depression is beyond me. Writing should always first and foremost be about and for yourself. This is especially the case when we're talking about journal writing. Maybe absence is what I need. A little rest from all this. Although when work gets too tedious for words, guaranteed I'll be here blogging away on *some* thing.
My friends are coming over today. All 2 of them. We're going to watch
Mean Girls. So that should be fun. =) In between I think I should go and clean up the house. It's supposed to be my annual Christmas party. But due to my laziness and basic waning lack of Christmas spirit there are no Christmas decorations in sight. Anyway, my Christmas party is only an excuse to see my friends. I always seem to be the only one who ever makes an effort.
I must also admit that I dreamt about him this morning. As in dreams, the person you dream about isn't always necessarily the *exact* replica. It's Him, but somehow it's also *not* him. But anyway, in the dream He took me back. I think I'm just lonely and placing all my affectionate starved feelings into my unconsciousness. And Garbage's
Crush (I would die for you) is playing on Winamp. Talk about mood music... yikes.
"Violate all the love that I'm missing
Throw away all the pain that I'm living
You will believe in me
And I can never be ignored"
And on that note, I think I should get up and start cleaning house.
*sob*
*whines*
But I *like* mess...
Moving Butterfly
I spoke to him last night. for purely sarah purposes. apparently they're showing lilith fair on max. and i needed the details.
I ended up talking to him for a little while.
I have discovered that i am the only one interested in anything more, and i probably did let him off the hook in the wrong way over this friendship. nothing i can do about that though because i can't bring myself to leave either. so it means we have to be friends. and sadly that also means that i gave up something in return.
There is a really cute guy at work that i always joke about with him and my friends. the guy is *really* good looking. but he's also got a gf. my guy joked about when i was planning to get her out of the picture in order for the cute guy from work to fall for me. And i told him that I don't want someone who doesn't come to me willingly. I'm sure he picked up the subtext on that.
And after having said all this, i realise that i do in fact want to be friends with him, and i do want him in my life. But i am also very paranoid about this entire situation. I don't want to bring up the closure talk. i think in some sense the closure talk is already done. we won't bring it up again. I'm too scared to. i don't want to be told i'm not wanted. i'd prefer in some ways to ignore that there is anything there. if he's not going to give me the answer that I want, then i'd rather not know the answer at all. I'm a coward that way.
I'm not exactly 100% happy. but then again, kicking him out of my life isn't exactly something i want to achieve either. i don't want everything sorted out between us. i don't want to give him a deadline. i think i'm just going to leave it to 'time' and wait it out. in the meantime if something else happens for me, then so be it. i'm keeping my options open. although what kind of people i could find daily commuting on the trains is beyond me. it seems these days public transport is my only source of social interaction outside of work. and i know that work people are off limits.
As to everything else... i stuffed up on buying my third eye blind cd. and i was telling him how i had to go back in and get it sorted. and he didn't even offer to come in with me. if he's waiting for me to make the next move it's not going to happen. because i'm waiting for him to make the next move.
After i get the lilith fair details i'm going back to my self-imposed hermit-status around him. maybe he doesn't recognise my distance for what it is, because i am so friendly otherwise. maybe i just hide things too well for my own good. but then again, if I don't hide it, well... what's the point? I've already lost my self-respect once before. and no matter how much i pine and harbour thoughts for him inside, there's no point airing them.
And like i said, i don't really want to recover old ground again. the only way out of this is to try and put it behind me. if this means that i no longer talk to him about it, then i will. because to be honest, i'm absolutely terrified of the answer. and he means too much to me for me to just kick him out of my life.
I could be wrong. i could just be lying to myself. i'm taking steps to help myself out with that though. i will try my best to not talk to him daily. and come the next few weeks, if i can last out the weeks and months, that would also be ideal. i don't think i will try to keep in touch. only if there are things that happen for eg, sarah, that make it necessary.
I just wish he would get out of his comfort zone for me. but then again, most probably he is staying away because he still isn't sure what he wants, and prefers to conduct all this online rather than in person, in order to ensure that more confusion does not ensue.
I'm going to start to learn to love myself. Work is overrated. And after the work christmas party, well, there's nothing really left for me to look forward to. my friends are coming over on Sunday, all 2 of them, to watch dvds, drink wine, and eat. so that will be a nice distraction. i'm going to the optometrist soon and i have to waitress tonight. i need the cash, because seriously this entire cd thing is really bugging me.
I want you so badly but i don't think you realise how much. or if you do, maybe you are simply trying to sort out for my sake what it is you want, and you want to make sure that you don't hurt me anymore. i let you off the hook again quite easily this time around. and to be honest i don't know if that is a good thing or not. but if i didn't, we would've just gone around and around in circles, because i was still prompting you for more. to be honest i don't know if i'm 100% happy with my actions. i just know that if i want more, or if i really believe that i want you in my life, *This* whatever this is, has to happen first. i have to be willing to talk to you.
But like i said, i am trying to hold back a little. I hope it's the right thing for me to do. because i really am at a loss otherwise as to how to get out of these woods.
Complacent Butterfly
12:51 PM
You know what's really funny/ironic? THings always look so different from the other side. When you don't have any emotional investment in something, everything is ten times clearer than before. I rang up my previous ex last night to chat. I have a Christmas party tonight, and I was trying to see what my options were as to getting a safe trip home. I figured there'd be a possibility that we'd catch the same train anyway. So why be silly? we could go halfway or something. Before I could get to that request, he'd already picked up on it and offered. At the end of the conversation however he had to pull out because of work.
He just rang me back up to tell me that he got out of work, if I was still interested in the offer. Very sweet. In the meantime work has been trying to organise a cab charge for me to go home.
Being single isn't so bad. You get the chance to see who are your true friends. Who are willing to help you out in times of need. When you're in a relationship a lot of that responsibility falls on your bf/gf's shoulders. Friends aren't as likely to ask you to go out to places, because they automatically assume that the first person you will ask is your bf/gf. And not your friends. Which has some logic to it. But at the same time, it used to get me to see how my friends would distance themselves from me. Ironically when I am in a relationship, I'd like to think that my bf would choose me over their friends. Funny how things always look different on your side.
The one that I've been pining over... I wonder how we will work out. I harbour feelings for him, but I am also accepting that he may well not want me. ANd when you sit back and think about it, it seems so silly to put your hopes on someone who's not interested. I guess he has never made the big cut. And his actions never show that he's not 100% uninterested. It makes for a confusing and complex situation.
It's also funny how believing in stupid things like astrology can throw a spanner in the works. My stars for today say that the weekend looks good. Which means there's a high probability I will try to talk to him on the weekend. Because I don't want him to find someone else. Selfish, aren't I? *grin*
See, if he was as lovesick as I was, or even my previous ex was, it wouldn't matter. I could go about my daily activities as long as I knew I had the upper hand. But this time around it isn't so. I have an emotional investment that can become bankrupt at any given time. I have no security, no self-assurance. And while plenty of you may point out that this is why "love" is so exciting, beause it's such a risk, I must also point out that the emotional downfall when you do in fact become bankrupt is very disturbing for the soul. Not that everyone else doesn't ever feel the same way when a romance ends. I'm sure there are thousands of sob stories that are twenty times worse than mine. It's just that this is my story. And not yours. So I can be as dramatic as I want, and you can't do anything about it, except walk away =P
I guess what I'm trying to get at, is that I've made an obvious observation that when the shoe is on the other foot, the view is always different. As long as power sits in your hands, well, life can go about quite dandily. But it's when you're on the other side, and it's them with the power, that things start to get melancholy and unjust.
Deep down, we are all selfish creatures.
~ * ~ * ~ *~
I'm feeling ok today.
Third Eye Blind is keeping me sane.
Favourite song of the moment:
Third Eye Blind - Crystal Baller.
"Can we try and take the high road
Though we don't know where it ends
I want to be your Crystal Baller
I want to show you how it ends
...
A footnote in your dance of days,
In my mind that record still plays
Still wonder what the fuck it says
Hoping there is time
...
Can we talk about tomorrow
And the promise that it brings
...
I wonder why the wind keeps blowing you through my mind
Try and take the high road
Remember we were friends
I want to be your Crystal Baller
I want to be your diamond ring
The one I never gave you
And the promise that it brings
Let me be your Crystal Baller
I will show you everything
I'll be your Crystal Baller"
Going to the work Christmas party tonight. Brought my contacts with me. *wicked grin* Brought my little black dress, and I'm going to have a good time.
I'm feeling good today.
=)
Curious Butterfly
Update 11:59PM
I know, I know. I'm supposed to be in bed. And I am going to bed. I just felt compelled to put this up first:
Gemini Monthly Horoscope for December:
The New Moon in your love zone so close to powerful Pluto could indeed have rather a large impact on your relationships. If you're currently single and you've been finding it hard to 'get over' your ex, this is the perfect month to really leave it all behind. Of course, it's not easy to say goodbye to someone. Sometimes we cling on to a memory in the hope of a reconciliation. The fact is, though, whether you cling on to or let go of an ex (or someone you wish could be The One but who just isn't yours) doesn't really affect anything. No planetary activity will ever bring something about which is not meant to be, nor will it ever disrupt something which was your destiny. Mercury retrograde, though, does make it easier to talk things through again. Fingers crossed for the best outcome for you this time. The Venus retrograde this year means some Gemini still have love lives in need to repair.
The chance to fix your heart could come now.
YOU ALSO NEED TO KNOW THAT
The fact that Mercury is going backwards in your love zone (and opposite your sign) means that
you really are being asked now to reconsider your love life and your past actions therein. The other side of the cosmic coin where love is concerned right now is that
you are being given a second chance to love someone from the past, if you think they'll have you back. If you are still struggling to get back on your feet romantically, don't give up. The light really is at the end of the tunnel now. "
http://stars.metawire.com/ Check it out when you have some time. WHy? Coz I'm just a sucker for astrology.
Ok, ok. I'm going to bed. =P =)
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
Where are you? I'm online tonight. And you're not here. Not that I'm here especially to talk to you. Not that I'm caving in. Deep down I want to make it. I want to last. I want to prove that I don't need you to function and to survive. That I don't really miss you. I just miss the ideal of you. I want you to want me as much as I want you.
But that's two nights now where I've been online and you haven't. Tomorrow will be Day Four. Which will make it the longest time that we haven't spoken since we started talking to each other again. I've blocked you for now, so that I can make it to Day Four (yes, I know. cheating. so what? =P ).
But yeh, do you think about me? Or are you still in that happy mood? Are you still occupied with other things, and therefore have no time to think about me? Or are you so entrenched in the idea that we can be friends that it doesn't bother you that I haven't been online lately? Do you think about me?
I don't even care if you don't love me and we don't work out. I just want to know that you miss me and that you care about me, and that you want me. More than a friend. More than just a pretty face on your elbow. More than lust.
I want you to miss me.
Can you do that?
Pining Butterfly
Day Three.
Well technically it could be Day Four, if we're talking about days since we last chatted on msn. But let's just go by contact of any means. In which case it's three days, because I had msged him on Monday.
So yeh, I think I"ve found my threshold. Three full days without contact with him, and I'm pining again. What am I going to do about you? Do you miss me? Or will it be like last week, and your three days pass by so busily that you don't even have time to register missing me?
Your birthday's coming up. Will you have a party? And if so, will you invite me? And if so, will I go?
You say that my willpower is stronger than yours. But often I feel like you are stronger than me. Or maybe you just hide it better. If i don't hold myself back tonight, I'll find myself on msn awaiting you.
I'll admit I felt both disappointed and relieved that you weren't there last night. I changed my msn nickname too. Not that it matters or means anything. I really did like my old msn nickname. But I think I should try and play it safe for now, and move away from butterfly references - at least for a little while. Blogs are 'butterfly-ey' enough. And it's about time Sarah rated a mention on my msn nickname. =P
I'm planning to go into the CBD today and check out my cd store. Apparently they have a main store. And I'm curious to see what stock they have, and how much they charge.
In my meanderings I have also wondered if your Tuesday fell through, and instead you chose to postpone to one of these weekdays. I proably won't make it to the CBD tomorrow, if you postpone it till Friday. I have a work christmas party to get ready for.
My hopes for you and I to go to uni to pick up all our thesis documentation also looks like it's falling through. For circumstances beyond my control. However, it's probably for the best that it's happening this way anyway.
Sometimes I wonder how much I'm really moving on, if I continue to talk about you here. But then again, if I don't blog it out, where is my outlet? THe thoughts continue to float in my head. Or is it because I write about it constantly, it is always in the forefront of my mind? Catch 22...
And if I stop all this repetitive thinking/blogging, then what happens then? GUess I'll have to change my tag line huh? =) Coz I've spent too much time on this blog to just disable it.
I could just end up turning this thing into my mini-you. Tell it all the things I used to tell you. Treat you as my new best friend. How sad am I? That I sit here seeking solace in a bunch of connected computers? Every one else goes to people, living, breathing, human beings for comfort. I turn to a computer screen.
You know what's really weird? Sometimes I wish you weren't a guy. If you were a girl we could be best friends without all these complex undercurrents. Nothing we did would ever be questioned. We'd understand each other in ways that only girls can understand each other. Our needs, and our desires, and the right words to say in order to sympathise and placate the other.
But then again, if wishes were pennies, and all that...
