Marathon Butterfly
Grey dawn filtered through the cedar blinds. Every once in a while the noisy sound of a car or bus zoomed by. Slowly her eyes opened, and rolling over, she happily discovered he was still there. He had stayed the night. Looking up, she watched as his eyes opened to look at her sleepily. She smiled.
He rolled over to face her and she happily snuggled in. This was heaven.
~ * ~
I’ve been looking back through the last few posts I’ve made. All I seem to be doing lately is talking about money.
I went to see Syriana last night. Came away with mixed feelings. There were parts of it that made me think and appreciate. But the whole movie in general seemed a bit hotchpodged. Not like capote, which felt like a whole film. Syriana was basically a story about a large canvass with lots of different players, whereas capote followed one person.
I don’t know. Mixed feelings is the best I can come up with for that movie.
This week is a little better money wise, but only because we chose not to pay off some of our credit card.
The sky’s a bit grey today, and I think it matches my mood. I think subconsciously I’m still dealing with the implications of my letter to mum. While I went out and had a nice dinner (African) and a movie, followed by a divine dessert cake with a side of ice cream, mum was probably bemoaning the loss of her daughter, security and finances, while my brother miserably looked on.
Boyfriend’s in a foul mood over his broken wrist. I don’t blame him. It stops him from sleeping. It stops him doing normal things like zip up his own pants, or iron his own shirt.
Co-worker leaving for a journalism job. I bought a mango-coconut cake from my favourite cake shop and lugged the heavy thing back in wretched humidity.
I ate well last night. Sometimes I wish my diet and life weren’t so tenuous.
As I was hugging him this morning, I felt a little removed. It’s strange that this is my life now. It all seems like such a dream. It’s like I’m just going through the motions. Whereas, when I was at home, it was like I was floating in a bubble. Home was like the womb – and I was floating in my own little sac of ambiotic fluid. That sounds weird, doesn’t it?
Whereas now I’m out in the big wide world, I kind’ve feel a bit like, is this all there is? Is this really happening?
I guess I’ve got the grass is always greener syndrome. I know that I’d miss him terribly if I left. I am a lot luckier than some. And I know that. I’ve got a work colleague right now he’s going through the same misery I was going through a year ago.
It’s actually hard to imagine that it’s been close to 2 years since I first met the guy. And things that meant so much to me, no longer matter so much. Sometimes I find myself thinking about him. But I think I got over him by having my current boyfriend, who effectively swept me off my feet.
Except that sometimes I wonder if I’m just in this for the sprint, and not the marathon.
Sisterly Butterfly
I gave my brother the letter and told him I would pay him less starting from next week. And suddenly I feel bereft. I feel so foul and guilty and miserable.
He’s my only brother, and I feel like I’m abandoning him. Off to a life of carefree existence, while he and mum are stuck in a hole. Barely scraping by and living a wretched existence.
I could make it so much better for them. But I chose not to. And now I feel awful.
He’s the only brother I have.
I’m sitting at my desk at work, and I’m struggling not to cry.
Treading Butterfly
Let’s see. What’s going on in my life lately?
The biggest news is I’ll be paying my mother less (yes, I know, again) starting Thursday week. Boyfriend had a discussion with me, and basically pointed out we would need to move houses, if I didn’t start paying her less. Right now we’re basically treading water.
Not very happy about it, but at least we get to stay at where we’re living now, if I only pay mum $100 a week. It feels a bit like the ‘coward’s way out’ but it’s not like I can have a rational conversation with her right now anyway. So letter writing it is.
Work has been a shitfight all week. Y’know, I never used to swear until I started going out with my boyfriend.
I had the best kebab this afternoon. The best I’ve eaten in a long, long time. Every bite was divine.
I went to a discussion on foreign policy last night, and am ashamed to admit that I fell asleep halfway through it. $10 that could’ve gone towards a decent dinner, wasted. For half a glass of sauvingnon blanc, some salmon sandwiches, and a lecture by a Harvard professor, I spent $10 and got a nap on top.
* sighs*
I’ve been very thirsty of late. Not sure what that’s about.
Did I tell you? I got a haircut too. The hairdresser had to basically hold my hand in the process but it was worth it. I’ve got nothing but compliments since it’s been done. I’ve got myself a fringe – although not exactly what I’d planned on, I’ll admit that it doesn’t look too bad.
My boyfriend’s loving it though, so that’s gotta be a good thing.
His wrist is still a wreck.
My nose has been playing up in the last week. Continual sniffling in the mornings.
For once this week is relatively quiet. Boyfriend’s going back to the hospital for a check up tomorrow. I’ve got a rotaract ball to go to on Saturday night, and we’re taking boyfriend’s dad out to dinner on Friday night because he bailed us out this week. Dumb credit union billed our money twice. So now we’re broke until Wednesday evening.
One of our work mates got kicked out of his house on Thursday night. His relationship broke up, and he seems to be in a terrible state. I don’t understand it myself. But then again, it’s really his business, not mine.
Had a great afternoon at yoga today. Came away feeling rejuvenated, and a lot more stable.
And that’s all I’ve got for today. Random crap about what’s been going on lately.
I can’t wait for the weekend.
Unfair Butterfly
Not very happy at work today. They took me off a report I was looking forward to working on. Something I’ve done before, something familiar, something that I could get lost in for a few days. I’m not happy about it, but I can’t really voice/express my concerns. Just generally unhappy.
Instead, he’s put me on this complex ‘numery’ report. Colour me thrilled.
At least I have a good dinner to look forward to – boyfriend’s gone and bought pasta and salmon for tonight. That’ll be nice.
Anyhow, I’m getting over my disappointment. I probably should try and do something about my unhappiness, but whatever.
Just got back from lunch – had thai to celebrate co-worker’s birthday. Feel a bit more content now. Amazing what a good lunch can do.
Right, back to work.
Obliging Butterfly
A good relationship is based on sacrifices. It’s about compromises. It’s about showing that you care about them; that they’re important enough to you that you’re willing to give in on certain or all things.
I understand that. And I want to show that I am the best girlfriend that I can be.
He broke his wrist the other day. I’ve spent the last few days dealing with the Invalid. I cancelled my Rotaract meeting yesterday. It was a talk on MS (Multiple Scelerosis). Something I’m interested in because I have scelerosis in my back.
Tonight there is a foreign policy talk I want to attend that I’ve been looking forward to for quite a while. But seeing how upset and hurt he was, I told him I wouldn’t go. And while it didn’t seem that big a deal this morning, after looking at the reminder email, and remembering what the talk is all about, I’m kind’ve regretting it. I really wanted to go. But at the same time I feel very obliged to stay with him.
That’s not to say I hated my time with him. I had a wonderful dinner with him last night. We went out to have dinner – indian – for our 14 month anniversary.
In a way I think that his wrist has brought us closer together. Strange as the sentence seems. I think internally, I was kind’ve glad about the way I panicked and despaired at finding out he was in hospital. It felt like I was proving to myself that I did in fact care about him, and seemed to dash away some of those doubts I’ve been quietly harbouring over whether I loved him truly, or if it was simply that he was replacing something in my life that I needed. So the fact that I’ve missed him so much says to me perhaps he really is important to me. And deep inside, I’m really glad. Although I wonder if perhaps my subconscious is trying to play mindgames with me.
He’s dead set on me. I think he made reference to us getting married one day. And to be honest, if he asked, I’m not sure I would say yes. I’m too young and scared to make a commitment. At 23, I’m too scared to commit to one person ‘forever.’ The idea scares me. That he is the “last one.”
But I know that if I left, I’d miss him. He makes me momentously happy.
I guess I just grew up being taught that marriage is the End of the Road. And I never imagined I’d get there so quickly. Not that there is anyone else I’m interested in anyway. No matter how good looking the next person is who says they are interested, I don’t want to go through the whole rigamorale of getting to know them and being comfortable with them. That’s the role my boyfriend has. He makes me feel loved and secure. And he’s the sweetest man. I may not have enough experience to compare, but I think it’s enough. And often I know I am lucky.
If only that were enough to stop me from wishing I could go to all these events without feeling obliged to him.
Personal Butterfly
I am not going to take this personally.
For once, I am not going to care what you think, I am not going to take your criticisms to heart, I am not going to let you affect me.
Quite frankly I think your methodology is crap. I think it’s inflexible. I think you’re all anal. I think that this is absolutely ridiculous, and there’s a reason why all your clients left you for us in the first place.
You’re too academic for this industry, and you’re a moron.
I am leaving in a year. For once I am going to stop caring.
I am not going to do anything other than my job. I don’t think there is anything you can offer me to entice me to stay, and I really don’t like your systems anyway.
I am going to laugh it all off. I don’t care that I am being criticised for doing something that I was hoping would be helpful for you.
I am not going to take this personally.
Work is just work. At the end of the day when I leave this office, you are not going to matter. The clients aren’t going to matter. If I really wanted to, I could throw in the towel today, and find a job as a receptionist.
I need a change. And you’re not it.
Call me set in my ways, but after five years of being taught to do something, I don’t see how your way can be any better than mine. If anything, I think it’s worse.
Email and cc as many people as you want.
I am not going to take this personally.
I have a life outside of this company. I have a life outside of this report. I have a life outside of you.
I am not going to take this personally.
Spending Butterfly
They reckon the more I take it and get the same results, the more accurate the results.
I rashly went and bought three inks for my printer today, instead of going to buy the organiser for my desk that I'd orginally planned to buy. Shame. And I'm already broke for the week.
*sigh*
Every week there's something..
I took a personality test tonight. Some of it I find accurate. Some of it, not so much. I've italicised those thing I believe accurately reflect me.
The results are as follows:
Advanced Global Personality Test Results
Stability results were low which suggests you are very worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.
Orderliness results were moderately low which suggests you are, at times, overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment. Extraversion results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity. Trait Snapshot:
craves attention, messy, open, rash, irritable, likes large parties, low self control, weird, fragile, does not like to be alone, emotionally sensitive, worrying, depressed, heart over mind, does not respect authority, dependent, not rule conscious, not good at saving money, more interested in relationships than intellectual pursuits, likes to fit in, very social, frequently second guesses self, phobic, suspicious, not careful, outgoing, vain, compassionate, aggressive, likes to make fun, hates to lose |
Rousing Butterfly
The morning chill today made me want to embrace the world. It reminded me of happier times. When my boyfriend and I first started going out, and each day unfolds to exciting prospects. Every moment, you sit there on edge, wondering what will happen next, your heart pounds and wonders how he will try and melt it today. The chill reminds me of times when family was still accepting, and I could embrace both worlds, one foot on each side, before the cracks started and I had to choose which side of the rupture I was going to land on.
Either way, Autumn is here. And I'm going to welcome it with both arms open and striding forward.
I'm feeling good today. I bought some ear plugs on the weekend, and have started sleeping soundly, the first time in over six months. It's amazing how much you can adjust to without realising or being aware that things aren't as good as they could/should be.
The bedroom's at the front of the house. So cars, planes, and drunk pedestrians are a constant distraction in the middle of the night. Not anymore. With my trusty earplugs, it's all over.
Blessed silence.
Or as garbage touts, "Silence is Golden."
Have been slowly attempting to open my social circle. Joined a photography club a few weeks ago. Attended my first 'competition'. They do monthly competitions. One of my photos got an 'acceptance'. Not a merit or credit, but hey, an acceptance is better than no prize at all.
Among the comments were: "it looks like a painting." "It’s a piece of modern art." "You are an imaginative photographer." "You don't just take a photo of anything, you give it a bit of thought."
The last comment seems to me more of a diplomatic answer with no real substance. Something you say to a person when you're struggling for a compliment, and just want to point out certain things in order to fill in the gaps. Like the word, "interesting." very diplomatically sound.
But I don't care. I'll take any compliment I can get thank you.
So with the photography highs and the gradual accumulation of sleep and sound and vivid dreams, my attitude towards life is a lot brighter. That's not to say I don't continue to go through my bouts of grumpiness and irritability, but at least my general demeanour has brightened. I guess I just feel more awake.
Cantankerous Butterfly
I've been so irritable lately. Been reprimanded and rightly so. But it doesn't change anything. Slamming doors, giving people dirty looks, it's all just so satisfying.
Don't really know what's really bothering me. I've been told i'm just too self absorbed. and i need to be more self-aware and not drag people around me down. Because he can't always be expected to coax me out of my grumps.
I'm just irritable. and so sensitive about the teeniest weeniest tiniest things.
Let's hope it gets better soon.
Parenting Butterfly
Parents are hard people to live by.
They expect so much from you. They can try to relive their lives through you. Give you advice in the hope you "don't do the mistakes that they did."
When your parents are divorced - it makes it that much harder. You spend half your time trying to placate one, in order to feel less abandoned. You've already lost one parent. You don't want to lose the other. When sometimes it turns out that you haven't lost either of them at all.
All they are really doing is trying to love you in their own way. But, being young and impetuous, you don't understand. You don't appreciate. All you want is for them to understand
you. You want them to allow you to make your own mistakes. You want the freedom to be able to do what you choose whenever you choose.
And that's when the conflict arises.
I'm always so exhausted, emotionally drained after a bout of tears.
I just got off the phone with my dad. I told him what happened two weeks ago between my boyfriend and mum, and while he made of point of saying he was 'on my side', he felt obligated to point out to me all the things I should've done in order to make things better.
The best way to deal with things is to not complain. To suffer gladly through it.
That's too hard for me.
Sometimes I just wish I could wipe the slate clean and have two 'real' parents. Two parents who weren't so obviously culturally different to the status quo.
But as my boyfriend points out - you don't get to choose your parents.
I'm too exhausted to type and analyse more.
Suffice to say that home life is a tangle of emotions, cultural etiquette and delicate egos that I for one am gradually no longer willing to untangle. I am starting to want to just walk away from it all and wipe my hands clean.
But if I want to be honest with myself, I'm not brave enough. They are my parents, after all.
