Love Butterfly
In the middle of the city in a secluded little park flooded with afternoon sunshine, that is less like a park, and more like a lopsided rectangle of grass with a tree and a bench, a girl and her boyfriend sit cross-legged in the grass. Her head in his lap, his jeans soak up her tears.
The street is empty.
Her muffled sobs drift through the park and down the alleyways. Softly stroking her hair and back he holds her quietly. Terraces and parked cars are the only witnesses to this little scene.
In the midst of the hustle and bustle of a city filled with people and their many respective problems, a little bubble of love, gossamer thin holds these two beings together.
Sitting in the warm wintry sunshine in an isolated little park it is as if they are the only two people who exist. Two people finding comfort and peace in the other with thoughts only for each other. An oasis.
And it felt so right.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
Things haven't been going well lately for me.
Not so much on the family side, more so on the work side. But I don't really want to talk about it.
What's important is that he loves me. And I know that he loves me. I drink in every word he whispers, all the looks he gives me, the caresses and warm hugs, all the sweet nothings that he whispers into my ear, like a dehydrated nomad. Like a jewller appreciating his precious gems in the sunshine as dappled rainbows play hide and seek among the shrubbery.
I grasp on holding each declaration of love, treasuring its taste and texture before gently placing them one by precious one into my memory.
Sitting in that little park in the midst of all my angst and tears, he held me tight and whispered,
"I love you madly darling."
Stranger Butterfly
Tell me why I feel so guilty going home? Why do I get the distinct feeling that when I go home tonight I won't be able to look my mother in the eye? I haven't done anything wrong. I haven't betrayed her trust in me - at least not since the last time. We both know where each other stand. And if I truly believe what I'm doing is right for me - then why the hell am I so goddamn scared? Why do I get this attack of guilts?
Do you know I haven't spoken to her in 2 1/2 days? If I don't say anything to her tonight it will be 3 days of silence.
I haven't rung her, I haven't spoken to her.
I have nothing to say to her. And she has nothing to say to me.
It's like we're strangers. There seems to be no mother-daughter relationship here. I know I'm supposed to grow up and things are supposed to change - but seriously, this is a bit extreme, isn't it?
Maybe it isn't so much anyone's fault but my own. Maybe it's me that doesn't know how to see other than in black and white. Maybe it's me that can't handle change. Maybe it's me that can't handle the grey.
Muddled Butterfly
The Mercury retrogade starts this week. Oh what fun.
Today's forecast:
Off you trot. Into the great unknown, armed only with a dodgy compass and a vague set of plans. You don't, you know, have to go on this expedition. Nobody is forcing you. Several people, indeed, are of the opinion that you should stay on safe, familiar ground. Your own inner voice of common sense agrees. But that's not what you are paying most attention to now. Another urge is pulling you. Mercury, as it now moves slowly backwards through the zodiac, is awakening a very important desire to make a new discovery.
Lately I've noticed that I end up telling my boyfriend about the issues I blog up here. In voicing my concerns about moving in together, he reassured me that it wasn't just me who thought that it would be a 'big step,' it was in fact, truly a 'big step.'
So often I've become more aware of my own thoughts and actions. I want to know what 'normal' people do, and go ahead and do the same. I don't like being independent, unique or individual. I want to be 'like everyone else.'
I found myself asking on Friday night in his previous relationships, where they both stood. And he said, by six months, they were essentially spending every night together. And suddenly I felt inferior. Like I couldn't provide the same sort of experience or whatever. While he was also quick to point out that every relationship is different, that by no means made me feel any better about myself.
And I hate myself for it. It seems the more I look at this, the more I'm turning into the person I swore I'd never become. Doing all the things that I not so much despise, but make quiet judgement calls on. And knowing that potentially other people could be wondering and thinking the same things that I would, should I be in their situation.
I'm such a paradox. On one hand I'm saying how much I refuse to follow the code, and on the other, I'm trying to find all the rules of the game so that I can follow them to a T.
The more I ponder on all of this, the more I realise how much I have to learn. I still feel so young. I still feel like I have all these experiences to soak up and take in. While he's gone through it all already and is waiting, albeit patiently, for me to catch up, to be honest, I don't like playing catch up.
I'm spending more nights at his place. Last week and most likely this week I will only spend 3 nights at home. I don't speak to my mother anymore. Most communication comes between my brother. I hate that it is that way, but I can't bring myself to talk to her either.
Slowly but surely I'm getting some space to sort out my feelings and where I want this to go. But to be honest, I have a bad feeling that at the end of the day I might say no to him. After all of this, it might not last. And I hate that. Especially when he tells me 'you're the one for me.'
Funnily enough after Friday's panic attack the minute he let me off the hook all I felt was a welling of disappointment. Females are so unpredictable and horrifyingly changeable. I don't even know how I keep up with myself sometimes.
How do I feel today? Indifferent? Tired? Filled with a sense of inertia? I don't know. I woke up in the middle of the night to throw up - something I haven't done in a long time. My stomach's kind of tender, and my body's a little exhausted.
We went on a driving trip yesterday. All the way up into the mountains for a lunch and view of the scenery. Two hours to get out of the city and see the mountains. And sitting there at the lookout, surrounded by this silence that imbibed awe, we lay our head on each other's shoulders and just took in the view. I could've sat there for hours.
I know I'm supposed to give it time, but the longer I stay in this relationship the deeper I see us sinking in. And this quagmire of emotional insecurity does nothing to help me exercise my restraint.
Is this what I really want? Is this where I see my life going?
I had a dream on the weekend that we bought a house and renovated it, only to find out that because of the feng shui, ghosts inhabited the place. I was told that I should never be in the house alone. That I had to make sure he was always with me.
Except that I found this out when he was away. And suddenly all the ghosts started crowding in.
I told him about my dream, and he broke it down for me. The renovated house was my new life - the one that we're in the process of creating. And the ghosts are all my doubts and fears, all the traditions and family expectations that keep on pulling me down into an abyss of despair and unhappiness. And as I've often said to him, I need him to keep all the demons away.
Seems like I have a lot on my mind. But at least I feel like I have a little leeway to breathe. Not like the week before when all I felt was trapped.
"Will we ever get there?" I ask him.
"We're already there." He says.
Terrifying Butterfly
So I'm a little freaked. It's the natural progression/state of affairs, but there's still some fluttering in the pit of my stomach. And all of my mother's words start crowding into my head.
Boyfriend sent me all these real estate links to places we could rent. And the first one was a house. Looking at that house sent fear running through me. Sounds bad, doesn't it?
It looked so permanent. So.... 'real.' I know I've been saying I want to move out, and perhaps move in with him, but looking at that house, I suddenly got scared.
The place looked more like a 'real home.' More like something along the lines of a place a newly married couple would live in, than anything half as temporary or whatever. The place looked so... 'suburby'.
Do I really want to walk down this path? Looking at the pictures on that website, I suddenly wondered if this was what I really wanted. To live together, to do all the things that married couples do - but without the knowledge or reassurance that we were in fact married.
And suddenly I really want my mother's approval of this situation. I want her opinion. I want her advice. I want her blessing on this.
I'm scared.
Terrified to be exact.
Is this what I really want?
Facing Butterfly
We sort've agreed today. And I sort've realised something that's been hampering me a little lately. Yes I've been unhappy. But more importantly I've been scared. I've been trying to run away from my problems.
While my mother has decided to let me have free rein, I suddenly find myself lost in an unknown city. A world where it's just me. And while she has said I can come home anytime I want, she no longer plays advisory.
There's been a bit of friction in our relationship lately and I mentioned that perhaps I wanted a week away from my boyfriend so I would feel less pressured. And while I admitted that maybe I was just running away from my problems, he also pointed out that maybe I was just running away to a place where I knew was safe.
The words struck a chord. I know what he's talking about. It's funny sometimes how you need someone to point out the forest. And it made me think - how long have I been running scared? How long have I been scared that in my independence I was starting out something that is both new and scary? That could potentially fall apart?
And with his reassurance that he was with me on this, I suddenly had in my mind's eye, two people clutching each other in reassurance and safety. Bobbing there in an ocean with only each other for salvation. Two people, clutching each other amidst the hustle and bustle of life, standing in a crowded city, among unknown peoples, amidst the chaos and the slings and arrows of the world. Safe in each other's arms.
I need him as much as he needs me. And I suddenly realised what it means to have someone.
It's time I stopped running. It's time I faced all of this. And as long as he's with me, it's gotta be good right?
"Well in my world, love conquers all baby.
And I love you."
Teetering Butterfly
Sometimes it seems like I'm on a rollercoaster ride. One minute I'm on top of the world, embraced in a relationship that can make me so happy I could cry. Content to the point where the simple act of being in the same vicinity of one person is enough to feel completely at ease. Warm. Comforted. Loved.
When you can think of nothing but wanting to stay this way forever. Where you can see a reassuring path leading to the horizon that resounds with feelings of certainty. And it's like being enveloped in a blanket. You know, like being hugged. And knowing that for those moments while you're cocooned in that reality, everything is safe. warm.
Then there are other times when I feel like I'm in a sink of oblivion. Where all the bad things come at you all at once. Where sadness fills up your senses, like a fog slowly building in the darkness. And you struggle through, looking for the path through an opaque murkiness. When you feel desperate and lost. And you suddenly want out. You don't want to fight, and surrendering feels like your only option.
I woke up this morning, and coming to work I think of all the little things that dot my relationship with my boyfriend. All the frustrations. All the little imperfect things. And me being the at times stubborn person that I am wanted to refuse his advances. To block myself out and live my own life. There have been times when I've toyed with the idea of ending it. Of wanting to just close all this off. To stop feeling. And just care about myself. It would settle homelife down sweetly. And it's not a life I'm not used to. Hell, I've lived it for 22 years.
But I have to grow up sometime, right? Maybe this wasn't the ideal way to grow up, but either way it's just about done. All that remains now is how to decide to live the rest of my life. And it's scary to contemplate. Sometimes I don't want to think about it at all. I just want to block it all out and run away.
It's funny though. No matter how resolute I try to be or become, there are still parts of me that are vulnerable and unprotected. He emails me this morning, and suddenly I am undone. And for a moment tears pricked my eyes. Not out of sadness like the other night, where I crawled into bed beside him thinking that he was asleep and just crying out all my frustrations only to find that he was still upset and I had been discovered. Sometimes I think there is a streak in me that just wants to punish other people. Be it to stop myself from feeling bad, or simply because it's only fair. Or maybe it's just a mean streak I have. But not this morning. I suddenly felt so loved.
And so here I teeter. On the brink. On the edge.
I had planned to write a blog about the inner me today. It's funny how blog topics can sometimes float inside your head, and cry for an outlet. Cry for a voice. But then they all start competing. And you find yourself logging in and just looking blankly at the text box. And then you start writing in the hopes of being able to write down all the things that are crowding around in your head. And then just as you click 'publish post' you realise that there's a whole section that you completely forgot to mention. But it doesn't flow with your writing. Because once you start on one tangent, you suddenly forget about all the other paths. The main reason being you need to find your destination. And all the other options remain that - simply options. Am I even making sense?
Maybe I'll come back later and edit or add or something. Or just write a new post.
I think I'll be alright today.
"How do you do it when I'm overwhelmed by a violet sky?"
Third Eye Blind ~ Good Man
Depressed Butterfly
We had a discussion. Boyfriend and I. He seems to believe that I'm emotionally depressed. That everything has coalesced into this huge weight on my shoulders. And I have become so tightly wound up over everything that it's affecting me to the point where it becomes quite obvious to him that I'm unhappy.
"I can see that you're sad."
We had a mini argument of sorts.
There are just so many things going wrong right now. Nothing seems stable, and while I acknowledge that change is the only constant in life, I don't need all these big things to come at me at once. I need time and space to deal with these problems. Because they're not minor problems. They're fairly big. But when they all come at once, I can't focus. I don't know where to start or what to do first.
My period hasn't come yet. I've been taking the pill for 2 months now, and while it came last month, it's scheduled to come again - and it hasn't. I don't want to go through another termination again. Since that termination it seems all my health has done is deteriorate. It's bad enough that home and work are working against me. While my boyfriend are in love, the relationship is far from perfect. I don't need my body to work against me either. But these days there doesn't seem to be a single place where I am comfortable or know what's going on. I'm not even comfortable in my own skin.
I'm just so tired.
And while perhaps both of us agree that I may well be depressed, I for one don't know how to go about changing things. Am I really just supposed to learn to start ignoring the pain and punishment that my mother doles out to me on a regular basis?
I went to church yesterday morning, and for once I really felt like a phoney. I'm a non-practicing Catholic in some ways. But I've never felt truly phoney or hypocritical when I step into a church. But sitting there flanked on either side by my mother and my brother, I suddenly felt lost. That it wasn't right for me to be there. It was like a totally different life ruled by different values than the ones I have been introduced to and am living by from my boyfriend.
None of my friends will ever be in the same situation as I am. All of them are still living at home. And are not ashamed of it. Why am I so easily swayed by everything? Someone says something about 'this is how it should be' and I automatically start taking down notes.
...where's the real me?
Mum preaches that I'm doing wrong, and that she's the only one who loves me enough to point it out to me.
My boyfriend insists that the life he is living is the right way to live. And that if I didn't want it, I wouldn't be there in the first place.
My cousin points out that the things I do are in fact 'normal.' And that if I didn't, then
I would be the one with problems.
My friends all just go with the flow, and don't contradict me at all. They take the safe path: "if this is what you truly want, go for it."
The only other friend I have who is in a similar situation with me isn't moving out though. Having said that, she's also been one with a stronger sense of self than I.
It seems sometimes that I'm just on this cycle of self-destruction.
My boyfriend also pointed out that I seem to have this strong streak of self-loathing. Do I really hate myself that much? Sometimes I wouldn't be surprised.
He's so much about being the unique, independent individual that will stick to their guns and hold onto their beliefs. But I don't think he realises how much of a flake I am deep down. How much I try to adhere to other people's opinions and beliefs. How much I work to becoming the perfect facade for all to see.
While he points out that I've built him up to be the perfect boyfriend, that is in fact far from the truth. And perhaps I also have a lot of faults that go against me. Unfortunately half the time I don't know what they are, or maybe I just refuse to see them.
Deep down, perhaps I really do hold a deep well of self-loathing.
I don't know. But sometimes I also wonder whether I should in fact keep this blog. Does it wind me up even more? Or is it fulfilling its intention and helping me express all the pent up feeling and emotional instability? Is it part of the key to my destruction? Or an element of my salvation?
I'm just tired. Maybe a healthy dose of Sarah will help.
I just feel like I'm being pushed and pulled in all manner of directions. There's the me that wants out. That just wants to block it all and run away. Then there's the me that wants to spend time on my own to puzzle through all the problems that have been affecting me lately. There's the me that wants to smooth things over at home and provide my mother with a little comfort. There's the me that just wants to make things a lot easier.
While I make all these accusations about other people, like my mother refusing to accept reality, and my boyfriend sometimes taking me for granted and simply doing things that will cater to his fancy rather than mine, sometimes I think perhaps I'm the one with all these problems. That I'm just projecting all my faults and errors onto other people. I remember reading once that the reasons people give for breaking up a relationship often reflect the problems that the breakers have with the breakees rather than the other way round. For example, they may argue that their partner never spends time on them, and is cold and uncaring, when in fact it may well be that person has no time to spend with their partner and begins to feel guilty. So that when they do make time and their partner is unavailable, they automatically start to build resentment, and a wall of self-protection begins to build up. It's not my fault, see, they don't have time for me. And the guilt builds and twists, and suddenly you're blaming your partner for all your own faults and trespasses.
I hope that's not what I'm doing with my mother and my boyfriend. But I'm not 100% sure that isn't the case.
Anyhow, I have to leave work at 4 today. Have to get my stitches out. Yaay. Not.
Best get to work and start the day.
Sometimes I wonder how deep my emotional well runs. How much of this really is all self-induced and how much is genuine pain and emotional insecurity.
Do I really love this person? Or am I just trying to find solace in other people?
Dispassionate Butterfly
Feel unmotivated this morning/afternoon. Last night turned out much better than I expected. I think I'm lacking sleep. Always going to bed late. Always having to wake up early. And then there was this idiot smoking on the train this morning. Rousing me from uneasy sleep in a cold, shadowy train carriage. Sleeping where the sun don't shine.
Am fantasizing about going down to the cafeteria verandah this afternoon and taking a snooze.
Feel very detached from everything.
Body's crying out for rest, methinks. Am going out to dinner and a movie tonight. Going to a photo exhibit tomorrow morning. Am expected to turn up to boyfriend's mum's birthday party on Sunday. Which means chances are I won't be going home on Sunday night either. Have to work tomorrow night. Have stitches out on Monday afternoon. My weekend is full.
And all I feel is tired. Restless. I'm going to assume for once that family is ok. Which supposedly means that I can relax and just enjoy the rest of my life. But I feel so detached. Like none of it is really impacting on me.
*sigh*
It's Friday.
Grey Butterfly
Stand up and take a bow. You deserve a big round of applause. You are in the process of breaking through a barrier. You are resisting a temptation. You are responding, quite brilliantly, to a tough challenge. It's a shame you are so self critical though. You feel more inclined to kick yourself for dropping a grappling hook, as you climb up the mountain, than to accept praise for arriving at the top in one piece. The Moon and Mercury, though, insist that you are doing well... and that you should soon begin to do even better.
If only words were all we needed to feel better about ourselves. A horoscope to make us feel better about the decisions we make. A few lines, a small paragraph to reassure us in our times of hesitation and uncertainty.
"I think your mother is a bad influence on you."
"I am happy to provide you safety."
"I'm just tired of all the responsibility."
"Then stop it. Most 23 year olds are selfish. This is the time to be selfish. It's when you turn 33 that you begin to start thinking of others." ~
yes, but, see, if I start being selfish, and not think of other people, I'll lose you - don't you see, baby?"I will never control you. You can do whatever you want. I just want to guide you. I won't control you, even if you wanted me to control you."
"She thinks you're just playing with me."
"And am I? Do you think that I'm playing with you? You know I'm serious. Maybe she'll come round once she sees how serious we are."
"Are we serious?"
"Well, I'm really serious. What about you?"
"...I love you."
"You're not as serious?
"... you've always been three steps ahead of me."
"I guess I'm scared of how serious this all is. I've never been here before."
"I don't think I've ever really been here before either."
"You're so sad these days. I don't like seeing you so sad."
The thing that struck me last night was how alone I really am. I can't share this relationship. I can't talk to my mother about it (for obvious reasons). I have to censor certain parts of my life with my best friends (because I think they will never truly appreciate or understand the decisions I made), and I can't talk to work people about it either (for even more obvious reasons).
Suddenly I again see how small my circle of friends is. If not for this blog, there really would be no outlet for me at all. No place for me to express myself without his knowledge. No place for me to vent. Because you can't expect people to carry your loads for them. Blog aside, all I have is him.
I think I realised a while ago with my first boyfriend, how alone I really was. But with time, we tend to forget or fudge a lot of things.
Last night was the first night that I spent two nights in a row at his place. Even if I hoped to call mum on her bluff about being cold and distant to me from hereon out, by my very actions last night, I've guaranteed that that's what she'll be like. If only because I've antagonised her. It's only natural for her to respond. No need for bluffing when that's what you really feel.
Yet if I am to believe my horoscope, or at the very least apply it to the things that seem to dominate my thinking these days, I did the right thing.
I fought so hard for this "independence." If you can even call it that. I can't turn back now.
We started rambling last night about me moving out. And I commented that I sort've didn't want to - if only to prove her wrong, or for the principle of the thing. To which I was told it was very stupid and silly of me. His suggestion was that we get a place and I could go home with him every night, and stop thinking about all this stuff and be happy.
When you take a step back, it all seems so naieve. Running away by moving in with him won't really solve the problem. His solution seems way too simple. Just because I'd be living with him wouldn't mean that I'd stop thinking about family, or that my problems with home would just fade away. But then again, me staying home won't solve the problem either. There seems to be no solution. Nothing to make it easier.
My brother explained it to me the other day. She's so set in her ways. And I'm so adament on this thing. We just have differing social outlooks - something that is difficult to change over night. And I know I'm right. But whenever I go home, I get immersed in her world - because that is the world I grew up in. Where certain values are cherished above others: filial piety, duty, family. You don't get that in western society. In western society, it's all about the self.
Sometimes it seems like the only way is to be black or white about it. It sounds harsh, and I don't want to get to the stage where I have to cut ties. Family is still important to me. I could never bear to break the bond that ties me to my brother. And in many ways, I couldn't really bear losing my mother - not while she's still living.
It's just that it's so tiring living in the shades of grey.
~*~*~*~
Oh the quiet child awaits the day when she can break free
the mold that clings like desperation
Mother can't you see I've got to live my life the
way I feel is right for me
might not be right for you but
it's right for me...
Sarah Mclachlan ~ Elsewhere
Distant Butterfly
It's funny how things differ when you're away from home. How the things you see change while you're away. Distance does funny things.
My art teacher once told me the magic ingredient was always distance. It didn't matter how much detail you put into something. Sometimes you could just be rough, and distance would sort out the rest.
After a night away, I feel a little more stable. I'm tempted to not go home tonight, either. Spend one more night...
"I hate seeing you like this. I've seen how happy and relaxed you are after you spend a few days with me."
Written in an email, but no less poignant:
"You've got all of me baby, and you always will…you'll never be alone as long as I'm above ground"
*sigh*
I haven't slept well in two nights. And if I stay over tonight, I'm going to have to bring up discussion about what to do about my laundry.
=S
I'm tempted. But I haven't decided yet.
Nothing is going to change anything. And if that's the case, why spend the rest of time in misery? May as well make the most of it eh?
Decisions, decisions.
I'll think about it later.
Stitching Butterfly
You are not quite sure who you are any more. You can't fully relate to the person you used to be. Nor can you relate to all the people who once meant a great deal to you. One particular relationship is now suffering. Where there used to be depth, things seem shallow. Where there used to be understanding, there is conflict. Be honest, be fair and be patient - with yourself as well as with the important people in your life. If you choose to, you can now build a stronger and more meaningful bond.
I don't think that can happen. She doesn't want me anymore because I was the one who said I didn't.
And my stitches have started to hurt again.
Directionless Butterfly
I'm unhappy. Had a 'discussion' with mum this morning.
All I feel right now is hopelessness and loss. I feel like a potentially happy and bright future with my family has been torn away.
At the same time I wonder how much of what she says is truth.
And while in some ways I hate that my boyfriend brought all of this to a head (because I have to blame someone) I can't wish him away either.
I need to know what I want - and to be honest, I don't even know that.
I want a scenario where my mother happily helps me pick an apartment, and gleefully helps me furnish the place. I want a scenario where I get to go out and live my life with my mother's blessing.
But because of my own impetuous actions that life is now beyond my reach. From hereon out she will stop. She will stop putting her nose into my life. She will stop involving herself in my life. And all I feel is hurt and loss. I think loss is the overall winner.
But see, in order to follow through with that life of hers I have to wait 3 years. My boyfriend won't wait 3 years. And even if he will today, I can't get back the mother I want.
All the while through that exchange, I heard my boyfriend's voice quietly telling me, 'there's always change, baby'. Yes I know that things change, and I can't expect things to remain constant, but it still hurts.
And I'm so totally responsible. And that so totally hurts.
She tells me that she never expected me to stay at home. I never got that vibe from her at all. All I ever heard from her was wanting to live with us 'for the rest of our lives.' That's all I ever heard. But according to her - that's not the case. And well, if that's not the case, then what *is* the case?
I feel so hurt. So lost.
I suddenly feel like I've lost my compass. I feel like I have no sense of direction anymore. Whereas previously it was all about getting away, suddenly knowing that she would've let me go, changes everything.
But then again, had I done it right, it would probably still be wrong.
I just don't know anymore.
Moving out no longer seems to be the priority it used to be.
I'm going over to stay at the boyfriend's tomorrow. I'm hoping that that will give me a bit of perspective.
After all the fighting, all the pain, I can't, I refuse to give him up. But see, if I don't - the path I'm taking leads to certain death - marriage.
I don't want to be tied down to a person like that.
I just don't know anymore. All I want to do is curl up into a little ball in a corner and cry. And all I hear resounding in my head is, 'if you had done it the right way, I'd be helping you pick apartments right now; daughter you should check this one out, two bedroom apartments are better than one...'
All I feel are tears.
..what do I do now?
Limited Butterfly
Had my wisdom tooth pulled out yesterday morning. Went in for a consultation, came out wisdom toothless. Have been in toothachey-pain for the last 24 hours.
Have had arguments with mum all day. I started blogging it all out here but computer crashed. Now I'm just too 'over it' to bother rehashing - again.
Not so much feeling miserable, just don't really know what to do or feel anymore. Kind've numb in a way. I know I won't be changing anything. I won't. She seems to think that I'm only doing all these things because they are what my boyfriend wants. She doesn't realise these are things that I've always wanted to do - move out, be independent.
She gives me scenarios of how I could've done better by her. How my secretive actions have broken her heart and how unfair it all is to her. And how it's all my fault. That I deserve everything that she doles out and that I'm required to suffer. To feel the pain.
Yet my counsellor once said to me that I'm only responsible for myself. That I can't be responsible for everyone else. That my only responsibility in life is to make myself happy. And there mum goes that my happiness has been at the cost of others. That in order to gain my happiness, I have had to make all those around me suffer.
She blames me for my brother's marks. It's my fault that he's coming last.
If she had it her way she would hit me and pummel me so hard.
The more she talks, the more set in my ways I become. I will move out.
She tells me that I'm being childish. That I'm immature. That I'm rash. I guess. I don't know.
She says that if what I was doing was right, she'd have my blessing. But fact of the matter is everything I'm doing is wrong. And she can't accept that. She threatens so much.
All I want to do is run. Can you really blame me? I want to go away. I don't want to face any of this. And she refuses to accept that I won't give her money. It's not that I won't, it's just that I'll need more, when I move out. And she won't accept me giving her less.
How can I do this? I'll need to pay rent, bills, food and furniture.
I really don't want to move in with my boyfriend. I really want to be independent.
In her world, I've done everything wrong.
In my world, in the world of most, what I'm doing is perfectly natural. Why can't I do this? I really do not believe I'll regret my actions. If anything I just wish I had treated her better before I left all this in this horrendous mess. But to be honest, if I ask myself deep down, I think that what she says is true - I've never really appreciated or loved her.
My boyfriend refuses to wait 2-3 years for me to sort this out. All he sees is now. He knows now, that he loves me. He has no guarantees that this will be the same in 2-3 years. Just like I have no guarantees that I will still be interested in him 2-3 years down the track. And it's true, what he says about how there really is 'something' between us.
Something that's tangible. A tangible love. Something that you could almost hold in your hand and cherish. Mum believes that it's just me looking for a replacement for my dad. That may hold some elements of truth in it, but to be honest, aren't a lot of relationships like that? Where people find compensation in others. The true test in those relationships is that after those problems/issues are solved, it's a matter of whether you can stick it out with that person - whether there is more to that relationship than just psychological and emotional compensation. And you won't know that without time.
Meanwhile, all she says to me is, the deeper you go, the worse it'll get. You're going to regret this.
Regret? All I feel is security, warmth and comfort when he hugs me.
Yes, I may not be 100% happy, because family is not accepting, because I can't share or talk to anyone about this relationship - not work, and not all of my friends. I can't tell them all the things I've gone through.
I just feel like I'm in such a big quandry.
I'm not ready to do something major like getting married. Spending a few nights per week with him is enough for me these days. I don't want to get into something like marriage. To me, that means we'll be committed forever. What if I get sick of him?
I guess happiness has its limits...
Exhausted Butterfly
I'm so tired. You know when you feel that headache in your frontal lobe? A sign of mental exhaustion? Well I've got it.
All my reports are just about done. We're trying to set up a conference call with the client this afternoon to make sure he knows EXACTLY what he's getting this time around and won't chuck another hissy fit and ask for dumb revisions.
Spent the night at the boyfriend's last night. The first time in a week. It was funny walking through the park with him last night, a smile just blossomed on my face when I thought about the fact that I didn't have to share him. That he was all mine for the evening. All. Mine.
Just came back from lunch with him and some IT friends.
I'm too exhausted to be here.
Shackled Butterfly
For so long my life's been sewn up tight inside your hold
And it leaves me there without a place to call my own
I know now what shadows can see
There's no point in running 'less you run with me
It's half the distance to the open door
Before you cut me down
Again
Let me introduce you to the end
And I feel the cold wind blowing beneath my wings
It always leads me back to suffering
But I will soar until the wind whips me down
Leaves me beaten on unholy ground again
So tired now of paying my dues
I start out strong but then I always lose
It's half the distance before you leave me behind
It's such a waste of time
'Cause my shackles
You won't be
And my rapture
You won't believe
And deep inside you will bleed for me
So here I slave inside of a broken dream
Forever holding onto splitting seams
So take your piece and leave me alone to die
I don't need you to keep my faith alive
I know now what trouble can be
And why it follows me so easily
It's half the distance through the open door
Before you shut me down
Again
Let me introduce you to the end
Though you know you care
And my laughter
You won't hear
The faster
I disappear
And time will burn your eyes to tears
Vertical Horizon - Shackled
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
I've always loved this song. For certain phrases. For the way it's sung. For the music. But I was listening to it today while doing my funky, nerd-of-the-art graphs for my latest report and suddenly had the urge to check up songmeanings.com to see what the song meant. Coz I never bothered to really listen to the lyrics. It was all a bit of a hodge-podge. One of those songs that you find both catchy and haunting at the same time.
And as I'm reading people's interpretations on songmeanings.com, I suddenly realise that perhaps this song has more relevancy to my life than I had at first believed or thought possible.
It's actually funny how songs become relevant and irrelevant as different situations come into your life. And how you can love certain songs without ever relating to them. And then suddenly when they do, the song takes on a different lease of life, and you sit there and bask in this glow of irony. I was already there. We had met, but never truly needed to know each other. It's like serendipity. fortuitous. coincidental. ironic. and all those other vague words that we constantly use wrongly.
It always seems that I'm drawn to songs that have tragic lyrics. Songs that contains words like misery, or express feelings of regret, futility, tragedy, bitterness or anger. I was watching a dvd the other day -
De-Lovely, a film starring Kevin Kline about Cole Porter, a song writer in the 30s. And the song that caught my ear was
Begin the Beguine which talked of love, and followed the adage, 'to never go back once love is lost.' The line that pulled me in and ate me whole was:
And now when I hear people curse
The chance that was wasted,
I know but too well what they mean;
So don’t let them begin the beguine
Let the love that was once a fire remain an ember;
Let it sleep like the dead desire I only remember
When they begin the beguine.
But I'm digressing.
I'm actually taking time out today to blog, when I should be frantically finishing up this damn report in time for tomorrow's cob deadline. But anyway...
Lots of things have been crowding into my thoughts lately, to the point where they all ended up spilling out. But because I haven't had time to try and sort them out or put them into any coherent sense of order, all these thoughts have slowly but surely trickled out onto my boyfriend.
I went to bed last night wondering if this is what 'healthy' really is. If telling someone about all your hopes and fears (forgive the cliche) is what it's all about. If writing it all out, or in this day and age, blogging it all out, is only the second best remedy. If the best type of therapy for anyone, is to tell someone.
We had a conversation the other night where he jokingly commented because of our genders and the age difference, he'll be long gone before me. And that scared me. To the point where I sort've realised maybe all his talk about 'you only get one shot at life' wasn't just that - all talk. If in fact, there was some truth in his talk.
And suddenly when two months ago I couldn't comprehend the logic behind his explanation how back in April after he took me and my cousin driving around the country side, spending essentially full days in my company led him to want to continuously spend time with me to the point where 1-2 evenings a week was unacceptable, suddenly, I see it.
I spent the weekend at his house this weekend. Celebrating his dad's birthday, attending family functions (if you can call a brotherly footy session in front of the television a family event) and pretty much spending a weekend with him. And when I went home that evening, it was like I was emerging from an entirely different reality.
See, his dad is a retired politician. The attendees at his dad's birthday were not only successful, famous people, but also often, influential during their heyday. And there I was rubbing shoulders with all of them. Me, just a girl from inner suburbia. What do I know? How on earth did I get here?
But more importantly, upon coming back to work yesterday morning, I suddenly realised how much of the 'life he has to offer me' is appealing to me. How spending time with him is no longer a luxury, it's a necessity. Sometimes, just sitting there on the couch with him flicking through bad cable tv. Watching a dvd. Lounging around reading the newspaper on a Saturday morning. Sitting together on the couch eating a gourmet meal he concoted in the kitchen. Falling asleep in his arms. Waking up halfway through the night to find his arms wrapped around me.
I can't give that up.
Yet knowing that it won't always be the case scares me. And somewhere this past weekend I ended up voicing those fears. To which he laughed and said, 'you'll have me for 50 years or so. it's so cute to have you worrying about things that won't happen for 50 years.'
Whereas, all I see isn't 'eternal happiness' or 'happy ever after' all I see, is some happiness, then blackness. What will I do when he's no longer around? When I don't have him to turn to? When I can't lay all my troubles at his door?
"The most important thing is looking after each other. The cost of things is irrelevant."
"And do I? Look after you?"
"Yes."
Less than 5 metres away, in front of a different computer terminal, comes an email:
"I miss you during the day."
The longer that time goes by the more I worry. The more I begin to realise I've started relying on him. The more I wonder if I really do love him. The more I wonder sometimes if I've done the right thing.
And then there's the whole mother saga. Where the song I posted up seems so relevant to my life right now. Where sometimes I do feel trapped or shackled to all her wants and desires, to the point where I have no place to call my own. And how even though now she's given me my freedoms, she still doesn't seem to have let go entirely. And how I have to deal with that.
I was sitting at work yesterday morning and thought, 'what if mum started showing she cared? Would I/could I accept it? Or would I feel trapped again? And if that's the case, haven't I essentially won? Don't I have what I want now? Freedom? Without being expected to explain my case. Without having to constantly tell her things. And while I still do some things, and while she no longer responds either way, at the very least I'm doing things. And there are moments when I really do feel independent and adult. Like two Sundays ago, going out to dinner with friends. It wasn't planned. It just happened. And I didn't have to ask for anyone's permission. We just went. And it was nice.
And suddenly, I sound so lame =P
I guess what I'm really trying to say is that I'm trying to sort my life out. And on the way, I keep on encountering all these emotional roadblocks. Some beyond my control, and some not so beyond my control. Some self-induced, some important, and some that I can bypass.
Today's forecast says essentialy for me to be flexible. But what does that really mean? Mum's away tonight for a teaching conference. This is the first time she's ever been away. Like, away on her own for a night. I don't really know how to fathom it. Sometimes it's like she's acting so childish. Desperate acts made by a desperate woman trying to keep hold of her daughter. But to be honest, it's not like I'm not her daughter. I always will be. I just need to be an adult as well.
I don't know if choosing the path I have chosen is in fact the right one for me. Often I think that only walking down this path will tell me the answer. But at the same time, sometimes I just want the other half of my life to start. I spent most of my childhood wishing it away, wanting to be an adult, to have time to myself, to live out on my own. And these days I'm wishing away my youth, the supposed 'best years of your life' to simply get away from certain realities in my life.
I don't really want time to burn her eyes into tears. But it doesn't matter. It seems she's doing it herself these days.
Don't really know how to describe my mood at the moment. Suffice it to say that I'm still a bit lost and confused. Maybe that will never go away. And my search for stability, clarity and certainty is as unattainable as the search for the holy grail.
Changeling Butterfly
They say, 'A change is as good as a rest.' What, though, if what you really want is a rest from change? Recent changes have left you feeling anything but relaxed. Forthcoming challenges look similarly set to put you on edge. You are understandably apprehensive about a situation that seems to be spiralling out of control. You would far prefer a return to the comfort and familiarity of some old arrangement. You can't go back, but nor need you fear the future. Though change is not occurring in quite the way you would like it to, it is the right kind of change. And, despite your concern, it will yet bring you the right kind of a result.
What on earth happened to that forecast about being a 'state of grace' for the next fortnight? More change? *sigh*
More to blog later. But am doing overtime at work and i'm sick and don't really want to be here.
Will try to come back and write later.
