Sweeter Butterfly
I have been itching to write all week. Yet every time I put pen to paper, I find my mind goes blank. Time, motivation, inclination, it all seems against me. I miss composing narrative prose. I miss trying to paint a picture by stringing words together. I miss my attempts at creating eloquence.
Home life has settled a little since I moved out. She no longer rages. And after going home on Tuesday night, it seems perhaps I can see a bit of light at the end of this depressing and miserable tunnel. Sitting there on the carpet that evening, looking up at her as she sat in her armchair and hemmed a pair of pants, I attempted to talk to her. But most of the time, it was just spent in silence.
“I love you. My moving out doesn’t mean I don’t. I just thought that this would be the best solution for all of us at the moment.”
“I haven’t asked for the house keys back now, have I?”
No, thank god.
Dad contacted me and asked to see me. When I got around to ringing him back, he gave me an interesting revelation. From a man who has never showed much affection towards me, more of a bemused detachment, he said quite frankly, “In English, I guess what I’d be trying to say is that ‘I miss you.’” I don’t know whether to believe that or not. I don’t think he would have rung if mum hadn’t prompted him to. I have no idea what went on between the two of them, or what she said to him on the phone. All I know is that she rang him.
I’m going down to the coast this weekend. Another short break away from it all. I haven’t had time to settle in at my new place yet. But we’re getting there. I want to stretch my wings out a little and confirm my independence. And whereas earlier my main motivation to leave, was to get out of a situation where my mother was constantly screaming at me (escape), in the last two days, I feel a lot more like using this time away positively. As a chance to learn how to be independent.
Putting a life together is fun. I’m applying for a credit card, I sorted out my private health insurance. I’m on the way to getting a wireless broadband internet connection. And now that my phone plan has expired, I’m also dabbling with the idea of getting a new mobile. Or maybe I’ll just get a prepaid. It’s not like I don’t have a phone already. I’m thinking about purchasing a different kind of anti-virus program. I have a dislike of norton anti-virus. Not because it doesn’t do its job, but because I have to pay so much for a program, and then pay even more on top of that to upgrade. And the cycle doesn’t ever stop. It can’t just run peacefully in the background. Oh no, it has to remind me, inform me of its presence, of its residence in my hard drive over and over and over again.
I need to sort out my freedoms. My money is no longer ‘my’ money, it’s ‘our’ money. He wants a joint bank account. I’d rather not. I want the freedom to spend what is mine. Well, what little of it that is mine these days. Most of it goes to my mother and her house bills.
I’m putting lists together of material posessions I’d like to acquire. I want, I want, I want. The photo/scanner/copier than mum bought six months ago is selling for 99 at the post office downstairs. I’m tempted to buy it. It’s an epson. And they’re supposedly the best when it comes to printing colour. But there’s a prettier canon at a slightly higher price. Which means, perhaps that it’s a little better than the epson. When I went up north I found this soaps and cosmetics practice at the local markets. I’m tempted to buy some more of their stuff. I think I’m just in retail therapy mode right now. Who knows. But the body balm I bought is nearly finished. And I wanted to try some of the other soaps they offered. They’ve got a website online, so that shouldn’t be difficult. But I’m budgeting. So we shall see. Yesterday, I had 4 slices of toast with margerine for lunch. Two slices at 1pm, two slices at 3pm. Speaking of which, I’m hungry again. And lunch won’t happen for another hour. Meanwhile, I need to remove and repaint my nail polish. I know – how mundane and girly.
We’re going down to the pub tonight. A work colleague is featuring in a band. So this will be interesting. 30 year olds attempting to relive their younger days by playing in a band. I really shouldn’t say derogatory things about them. I do like them – after all, they pretty much are my friends these days. I don’t circulate much outside of work. Whether I like it or not, it seems that work and home are my two worlds these days.
I don’t think I’ll need to go back to see my counsellor. Last I spoke to her, she was trying to insist I see a doctor about getting a prescription for anti-depressants. And in between my crying and explanations, all she kept saying was, “it’s difficult. I know.” That doesn’t help me. My cousin argues that my dad should be able to help me in my situation, while my boyfriend argues that perhaps I shouldn’t expect him to help, or even go into it thinking to tell him everything. Rather, I should just try and mend fences or find out why he has never been around much in my life. I don’t know. I’ll think about it. I’ll be seeing him Sunday week, so it’ll give me a little while to think about it first at least.
There are days when everything seems ok. And doable. At least now I don’t have that panicky drowned feeling that family has shut their doors on me. Don’t get me wrong, family life is still difficult. But at least it’s not as confronting.
Course I could just be imagining things.
Fighting Butterfly
We don't win arguments by shouting the loudest - or by taking back our bat and ball and refusing to play any more. We win by being wise; by standing back, holding back, thinking carefully and choosing our words well. If we really want to win, we transcend our fear of losing. We give way when we can and seek compromise rather than conflict. A hollow victory is easily attainable today. A meaningful agreement, though, while it may be more difficult to arrive at, will prove infinitely more rewarding
I'm going home tonight to try and talk to mum. She rang me up again last night. She just won't leave me alone.
I should be glad - at least this way we still have contact.
I'm in fighting form today. Well, maybe not. But at least, I'm willing to face the bears and the tigers. At least I think I do anyway. Maybe when I get faced with them, I might still run away. But until that moment comes, I think I'll do ok.
Closing Butterfly
Am listening to dashboard confessional. "remember to breathe" they wail to me through my headphones at work.
As the day goes by, the words 'loss' and 'abandonment' come to mind. It's hard to be eloquent when you're in a state of despair.
It feels like my family is no longer a part of me. Like I can no longer reach out and touch them. That door is closed to me now.
Strangely, in my less volatile moments, I can see this life being suited to me. I can see it working out. I can see us being happy.
Curled up, spooning on the couch last night, watching my
Pirates of the Carribean dvd, it felt wonderful. He makes me feel wonderful. I can't explain it. It's like he fills a part of me that I never knew I needed or missed. He fits, just fine. He fits perfectly.
Out Butterfly
Don't really know what to say or how to write it out.
So I'll just start with the facts.
I move out officially yesterday.
I cried myself to sleep. twice.
I feel miserable and awful and regretful.
I'm tempted to move back just because. To have a feeling of 'whiteness' to feel 'good' about myself and the situation.
I feel the need to define myself through my mother's beliefs.
I'm going home tomorrow night to pick up a few odds and ends and have dinner with them.
I took a few personality tests this afternoon.
Results below.
Global Personality Test Results |
Stability (23%) low which suggests you are very worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.
Orderliness (40%) moderately low which suggests you are, at times, overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.
Extraversion (53%) medium which suggests you average somewhere in between being assertive and social and being withdrawn and solitary.
|
Advanced Global Personality Test Results |
Meanwhile, I'm a bit volatile, but trying to keep it all under control.
Don't really know how to express myself right now.
Messy Butterfly
Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us...' So goes the old prayer. Yet it's debatable how many of us really are so generous towards others. By and large, we are not very good at forgiving people. We are, though, a little too good at forgiving ourselves. We don't need to swing to the other extreme and be constantly beating ourselves up about some mistake we have made. But we all ought to remember that none of us is perfect. Don't waste this weekend regretting the past or resenting the present.
Easier said than done, but.
My head's all a mess. Full of regrets and "I wish"s' and "If only"s.
This is going to be hard. This is going to be difficult.
There's no easy way out. And there's a high chance she'll disown me.
How many mothers tell their daughters that they hate them. And the dirty look she gave me yesterday at my brother's graduation...
I walked away so depressed yesterday afternoon.
My brother's got my camera, so I'm back to sketching to ease the tension and try and relax. I haven't picked up a pencil for drawing purposes in over a year, if not more. I've always found drawing and colouring very therapeutic. I remember at one stage musing to myself, if I could do any job in the world and not care about pay, status or social standing, I'd be a painter. You know, those people who paint walls and buildings. It'd be so relaxing and carefree. No worries. Just get in there and paint. And at the end of the day, feel a sense of accomplishment that you achieved something.
Achievement...
It all just feels so glum right now.
Is it too babyish to wish that I could have my mother back?
I miss the golden days.
Attending my brother's graduation,
I was reminded of a time when time seemed golden.
When the world sat at my feet, and I could do no wrong.
Today is not that day.
Today is gloomy and glum and steely grey.
~ *~ * ~ * ~
Everybody seems so happy like they all
share something I haven't felt for years.
For long I've tried to just hold on but now
I don't care
I'm closing down my thoughts and fears.
Forgive me, life is cruel.
I'm leaving you.
Hear you little brother me,
you know I'm sorry,
for every high hand.
Give my love to mother,
please
tell her not to worry.
I hope she'll understand.
So long, don't wait for me in vain.
What's wrong with being free from pain?
Be strong and live your lives like I never could.
Farewell, let the memories be nice.
To hell!? Don't think you go there twice.
I'm well off right here, it's more than good.
So Farewell...
Millencolin ~ Farewell My Hell
Emailing Butterfly
Dear ___,
I don't really know how to start this email to you. I guess the first thing I should make sure you're aware of is that I love you very much. You are the most important person in the world to me, and no one can ever replace you. Mum is just as important to me.
I don't know how you see things. But I need you to be aware that I do in fact love her very much. The reason I'm moving out is because I don't believe that me staying will be conducive to anything. Believe me when I tell you that this is the hardest decision I've ever had to make. I really did want to stay. Home is important to me, and given a choice I would in fact stay. But the truth of the matter is I can't. Mum can't accept what I've done and won't forgive me. She stores up all her anger and throws it at me every time I come home. Every time I come home, I feel like a target. She makes me feel like I am responsible for the happiness of this family. When in fact I believe everyone has a part to play in making sure a family is a family.
I seriously believe that she needs help. I feel like sheÂs using me as a scapegoat for all her pain. She had a hard childhood. She feels guilty for never being there for our grandmother. And she be it intentionally or not is trying to relive her life through me. She sees me leave the family early and she fears that I will follow in her footsteps. I don't think she ever forgave herself for leaving our grandparents. Especially after dad left. There's also the face thing. You know, not wanting to look bad in front of our relatives. Because in chinese culture, I've basically done something bad, and it reflects on her.
On top of which if you've actually listened to her, sometimes I don't think she really knows what she wants. She gets so contradictory in her attitude, in her expression. She's just as lost as the rest of us. The only difference is that she's our mother.
She feels like I'm only making her problems with her family worse. But I'll be honest with you. I have tried to make this work. All of the people I've talked to - they would've left and stopped paying the family in the first 3 months. None would have stayed. I'm not saying I will stop paying. I will continue paying. It is my duty, and I know how hard it is to be without money. I don't want you guys to suffer any more than you already have. It's just that in some ways I feel like I've always tried to be the best daughter to mum, at the expense of myself. There's lots of things that I want to do, that I feel I can't do. The only way I can do them is if I I do them by mum's rules. But this means that I'm letting her rule my life. When do I get to do what I want to do? When do I get to have a say over my own life? This is my life, not hers.
She will argue that she is just looking out for me and doesn't want me to do wrong. The fact of the matter is, life is made up of mistakes. You can't stop someone from doing something - even if you believe it's for their own good. I'm sorry that I haven't made this any easier for you or her, but I believe that at the end of the day, if I had told her now, or if I had told her in 2 years time things wouldn't change. She would still get upset. Because I'm impacting, replaying something that happened to her 10 years ago when dad left.
I would never have been able to move out to live with him. You know that, don't you? She says that we could have been independent, but the fact of the matter is, I don't really believe she could let us go. Not that that is a bad thing. I do want her in my life. I do want you in my life. It's just that there comes a point when I have to start living my own life.
I didn't do all of this at the expense of your pain and unhappiness. I truly didn't. It's just that there is nothing I can do to fix this, short of ending my relationship. And I can't do that. And to be honest, I shouldn't have to choose between her and him. I will be honest with you and say that I think she is just as responsible for this "tragedy" as I am. In fact, she may well be a little moreresponsiblee. I don't mean to say that I played no part - I did.
In moving out, I think both mum and I need some space. I can't handle living at home anymore, and it has nothing to do with you. For every time that she yells at me telling me that I've hurt her, for every time that she makes me feel responsible for the happiness of this family, for every time she lays a guilt trip on me, it makes me feel pressured. There is a point where I will break. my work has already suffered.
if I stay at home and listen to anymore of what she has to say about being 'responsible' for all the hurt and pain, if I stay and listen to any more guilt trips about why I did this to her, I will seriously go insane. no one should be given full responsibility for that. it may sound harsh, but the only person we are responsible for is ourselves. yes we must be considerate to others - it's a part of being a mature adult. but at the same time, you can't be expected to fill gaps in people's lives. It's hard enough to be our own person, let alone someone else's. Mum needs to be responsible for her actions, just like I have to. Am I making any sense? Yes she feels hurt, she has a right to. But that doesn't mean at the expense of me - whereby if she continues to do this, I will lose my sanity.
and that's not anexaggerationn. You saw me last night. I had no control over how my hands were acting. Mum's not rational these days. She really isn't, no matter what you may think or believe.
I honestly believe she needs some professional help. It's not that I don't want to help out family, I do. It's just that in the current circumstances, the only way I can help is if I leave.
I will still come home to visit. To pay mum and to see how you are. You are the most important person in the world to me.
I love both of you very much, and I don't want you to ever forget or doubt that.
Much Love,
_________
Golden Butterfly
I thought the hard times were well over now.
Brighter days would come and stay.
I guess I'm just not that lucky somehow,
cause you are standing in my way.
No matter how well I do,
I know I'll never be good enough for you.You'd love to watch me breakdown.
You'd love to watch me go insane.You'd love to watch me breakdown.
I am a fool and I remain the same.My name is golden, but you call me pale.
Your heart will never let me in.
I know you curse, but smile inside when I fail.
Your jealousy is kept within.
No matter how good I play,
you only focus on the blunders I say.Yeah, I remain the same.
You hate me cause I'm strange,but
I remain the same and I will not changeMillencolin ~ My Name is Golden
Am at work and shouldn't really be blogging. Have to go home tonight - not really looking forward to it. At the same time, am trying to convince myself to go back over to the boyfriend's tomorrow night.
I only have 3 more sessions left of 'free' counselling. Am trying to decide when I want to use them. The logical answer 'when you need them' doesn't really sit with me.
Guess I should just brave the forest fire and hope that I don't get burnt eh?
My horoscope suggests for me to look on the bright side - it's the only way to have a good day. We shall see.
I'm tired and a little grumpy.
A bit irritable and whatnot.
I hate the fact that I get paid in order to give it all away in bills and taxes.
Anyhow, best get back to work before they notice and fire me. Then where would I be? Family-less, jobless....
Best not to think about it.
Shifting Butterfly
Something will shift this week. The process of change, though, may be a little awkward or jarring at times. Possibly, you will find yourself feeling as if something is going wrong or growing too intense, or becoming far too volatile. The journey that you are going through, though, is a necessary one and a positive one. Remember, please, the helpful and encouraging experiences that you have had lately. Trust that more of these lie in store. For they do. You are developing new definitions, deeper understandings and wiser ideas. Once these grow a little stronger and clearer you will feel much happier about the ground you have covered and the road that still lies ahead.
These days it's very rare for me to post more than once a day. When I first started, it was two, three times a day, if my procrastination got really bad. These days, it's twice or three times a week if I'm/you're lucky.
I've talked to a few people since my last posting earlier this evening, and I am yet again contemplating whether or not I want to move out. Yes, yes, I know. Technically I already have. So let's just say for argument's sake, when I will decide to move all my stuff over to my new house.
My cousin suggests to go slow. And to move in April as previously planned. My counsellor and my friends, not to forget my boyfriend, all suggest I move now.
The thoughts about moving have been circling in my head for the last few hours. And checking out my horoscope for the week hasn't made it any better. If anything, it's made me feel worse.
At least my sleeping patterns are getting better. I slept 10 hours straight last night. Although that might have to do with the fact that I danced for most of the evening. I tell you, nothing makes you more appreciative of your age, when you are around people who are older than you.
I can drink and wake up with barely a smidgen of a headache. I can dance for hours and not feel tired. Sure, I'll get the odd twinge here and there from the stitches if I dance too much in one sitting, but give me a few minutes and I'll be back out there. Meanwhile, my boyfriend just gave up and sat out the last few songs. It was quite amusing to have people tell me, that I was the most energetic person there. To which my boyfriend later responded to me, "that's because you were the youngest person there" in a scoffing tone.
Like I said, I like being young.
But who doesn't eh?
Anyhow I've digressed. Back to the point.
Deciding on whether or not I should move out. Why does it seem that no decision is easy these days? All I'm faced with, bar inaction, are hard decisions.
Depressing Butterfly
Symptoms of Depression
- You feel miserable and sad.
- You feel exhausted a lot of the time with no energy .
- You feel as if even the smallest tasks are sometimes impossible.
- You seldom enjoy the things that you used to enjoy-you may be off sex or food or may 'comfort eat' to excess.
- You feel very anxious sometimes.
- You don't want to see people or are scared to be left alone. Social activity may feel hard or impossible.
- You find it difficult to think clearly.
- You feel like a failure and/or feel guilty a lot of the time.
- You feel a burden to others.
- You sometimes feel that life isn't worth living.
- You can see no future. There is a loss of hope. You feel all you've ever done is make mistakes and that's all that you ever will do.
- You feel irritable or angry more than usual.
- You feel you have no confidence.
- You spend a lot of time thinking about what has gone wrong, what will go wrong or what is wrong about yourself as a person. You may also feel guilty sometimes about being critical of others (or even thinking critically about them).
- You feel that life is unfair.
- You have difficulty sleeping or wake up very early in the morning and can't sleep again. You seem to dream all night long and sometimes have disturbing dreams.
- You feel that life has/is 'passing you by.'
- You may have physical aches and pains which appear to have no physical cause, such as back pain
So I went to see a counsellor on Friday. She suggested among other things that perhaps I should take some anti-depressants. My boyfriend is totally against it.
I'm trying to decide if I want/need to go back and see her.
Mum's got a back problem, and has toned down on the shouting. At least she had for the last few days I was home. Why is it, that all the time I spend with my boyfriend goes so fast? When the same amount of time spent at home goes so slowly? Einsten was right - time is relative.
Am kind've at a loss to explain myself. Right now just waiting for mum to get home so we can go out to dinner. Don't really know what to expect. Constantly feel like I'm on tenterhooks whenever I'm at home.
At least at my boyfriend's, I can relax.
I need a back massage.
Clearing Butterfly
In many ways I feel like I am ready to talk.
The words have been tumbling around in my head like clothes in a washing machine or dryer. Round and round they go. Doubling back on themselves. It's time to rinse and wring. Rinse and hang. Rinse and dry.
I feel compelled to talk, yet at the same time I'm worried that in the process of talking I end up muddying it up. I want to give the counsellor a distilled version of the facts. I'm worried in blogging it out that it will become less genuine once I talk to her about it.
In essence, I know that I am at the heart of all this heartache and pain. I have no one to blame but myself. And I accept that. I have no choice.
The issue now, is where do I go from here?
Where do I go indeed? The mother-daughter relationship in practically all its realities is gone. My fault.
And while my boyfriend loves me, I can't blame him for what he did. Yes, I resented him doing what he did. But at the same time he wouldn't have, if I had been more sure of myself. I'm worried in a way that I will have to let him go also.
But I'm not afraid.
I feel strangly calm today. Strangely clear.
I don't know how to explain it. Mum stood there today yelling at me. She told me in the car that I had to choose. That I could only have one or the other, I couldn't have both. And then she wryly remarked that I had already chosen.
That they no longer welcome me. I just sat there letting the words wash over me.
I've started to try and block work from my mind. I'm trying to be strong. I'm trying to not let people faze me.
Mum argues that I'm just living in a dream. Am I? I don't know.
My boyfriend believes that I am trying to look for a silver bullet. And that there is none.
Work will get better. And if the job goes, then the job goes. So be it.
In some ways I feel very fated.
A chain of events. This is my life, whether I like it or not.
You know the thing I hate most about therapy? That the waiting time between one session and another is like 'dead time'. It's like I sit there and wait for the rest of my life to begin.
My boyfriend argues that I like clear defining moments. And that often, in life, there are none of these 'defining moments.'
Right now, all I know is that at this current moment I feel ready to talk. I feel like I want to express myself.
I know that a lot of the problems lay with me - not with my mother. I never opened my heart to her. I kept it close. Shut tight. She's never understood me.
Both of us feel victimised.
And right now she feels like my boyfriend doesn't respect her.
I'd like to think/believe that I have a better view of what's going on. That I am growing, that I am maturing.
To be honest, I don't really know if I am. I know that I have a very stubborn streak in me. That rebels because it can, not because it's wise to.
To be honest, I don't believe I have a very strong belief in myself. In some ways I'm probably very self-destructive. I hold a lot of self-loathing. I don't really love myself. And that's something that's been told to me as young as when I was six.
They, my parents and my teachers, used to tell me that I had to learn to love myself. Because I couldn't love anyone else if I didn't love myself.
The more time I spend at my boyfriend's, the more I miss my mother. I miss the life I used to have. At the same time he argues that I had to break the mould sometime.
He believes that I had wanted to and needed to break free. And that no matter when I did it, it was going to hurt. Perhaps. Mother disagrees. Perhaps she just says that now because it will never happen. Or perhaps she is right.
How do I know?
I just need to go on with my life. I still shirk from responsibility and decision making. At the same time I want to make a step in the right direction. And I think that's as good a start as any. In fact, I'd like to believe that it's the most important step. Of course I could just be self-indulgent right now.
You know, so often I try to justify myself. I said to him the other night, how I sometimes felt so lost around him.
I feel lost around him, and I feel lost with him.
There was a time when I believed that our relationship had bad timing. And there are other times when I wonder if this was just the way it was meant to be. A lot of the things that my mother holds against me - the house, the money, the abortion, they were things beyond my control. They were things that I reacted to rather than actively started. The house just came. And it was so quick, I admit. Perhaps I should have hesitated. But I'm a bargain seeker. A bargain hunter. Faced with one - could I seriously turn it down? But I know that deep down I wasn't ready. But at the same time, when I rang him up and said "yes", the feeling of impulsiveness, the feeling of giddiness and freedom that went with it... it was so exhilarating, so freeing. For once I could just be me. He points that he is the first person I've been around where I'm not afraid to be me. I think that is partly true. I have always strived to be the "good girl" at home. Deep down I think I've been trying to compensate for my father in my own way. I have always tried to be the best dutiful girl that I could. At the same time I've railed.
Because I know that I'm the type of person who wants to see what I'm missing out. I am the epitome of the true believer that the grass is greener on the other side. And it is a bad way to be. Because I know that in following this doctrine, I am setting myself up for the fall. I will never be truly happy. Because I have envy in my heart. In my soul. In my bones.
I think I have a lot of issues. I have a lot of repressed emotions. And I lashed out. I blamed it on my mother. In the process of growing up, I hurt the people who loved me most. And I don't think I will ever forgive myself. Sure, I realise what I've done, and I can detach myself from my actions because I can see what I've done, and why I did what I did. But I don't think the day will come when I can explain it.
My cousin believes that I love my mother because I'm seeking counselling to sort this problem out. I think in part it is also me being selfish. Because me, personally, cannot hack this much longer. I don't want to leave. But it is so tempting. You have no idea how tempting it is to just pack up and leave, and never look back.
I miss my mother. I miss the chats we used to have, when I could be girly and young and tease her. But I know that I've never treated my family right. I've lorded my power over them, and mum in her love for me, let me. She spoilt me. And I never appreciated her love. By the time I could have and should have, my boyfriend came into my life and took my focus away.
I'm sorry. I really am. But at the same time, I'm sort've not. I know what I did. I know how I did it. And now I don't know what to do. I can try. But I don't know if it will achieve anything. I'm ready to now to try and merge these two worlds. But I don't know if I can.
At the end of the day I know I am very lucky. To have this mother. To have this man in my life. But I don't really know what to do.
My cousin suggests that I just stop thinking so much. And just do things to take my mind off them.
My starsign forecast suggests I just realise there are some things you can fix, and others you can't.
It reminds me of that by now much cliched, and so often quoted prayer:
God grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change. Courage to change the
things I can and wisdom to know the difference.
Grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change.First I have to accept what is happening in my life. So often lately I think I've been living in a state of denial.
I'm no longer scared. I think I've taken my first step to accepting the reality. Or perhaps it's just the tiredness talking. Who knows? I may well wake up tomorrow morning and feel as crappy as I have been for the last few months.
I don't really know what to hold onto anymore. Right now I'm just waiting for Friday to come around.
Hoping Butterfly
You have no idea how hard I'm hoping and wishing that things would all come out in the wash. The day that mother accepts this for what it is, and realises that in finding this man, it does not mean that I am choosing to replace my family with him. The day that she accepts all this - is the day that I will be one of the most happiest people alive. Of course, it may well turn out to be pointless to hope for this. After all, what is life, but a collection of random situation, filled with situations that often we cannot solve, and more than likely, may well never solve.
I have booked a meeting for next Friday. I'm going to talk to someone. And hope to god that they will be able to help me. I specifically asked for someone who had the same cultural background as me. I'm tired of trying to explain my cultural history and the unspoken understandings to people who cannot fathom what it is I go through.
My boyfriend pointed out to me that my mother doesn't represent my culture, just like he isn't a representative of his. Reactions are often personal, and do not necessarily reflect all cultural situations. Perhaps.
The more I've thought about what to tell this woman on Friday, the more and more I'm seeing that perhaps this may well just all be a matter of me. I'm the one who isn't accepting. I'm the one who has all these problems. I'm the one that's holding myself back. No one else but me.
My boyfriend is trying to encourage me to move out for good. He believes that me staying a few nights at home, and then a few nights with him seems like I'm rubbing my situation in her face. All the girls I've spoken to have all sided with my mother and said to me, it is totally understandable for you to have baulked. If that is so, if my first instinct was to flee was correct, then why the hell did I latch on anyway? Why did the thought that something good was about to end scare me so badly? To the point where I've gone ahead and stuffed everything up?
The funny thing is, mum believes that she is the victim in all of this. Yet as the last few months attest on this blog, I believe that I am the victim in all of this. Perhaps from everyone's own personal opinion, they are always the victim. You are always the wronged one. Never the one who is wronging others. Because that would mean you'd begin to feel bad and would have to do something about it.
Humans are such hypocrites.
My head just keeps on spinning.
You know what I'm really killing for right now? A massage. A decent, professional, in-depth back massage. I can do without a full body. Because it's my back and shoulders that are suffering the most right now.
I know my mother loves me. I just wish that I could accept that she does.
Shutting Butterfly
Some things just aren't worth thinking about. The more attention you give them, the more confusing they become. You can't ignore a pressing matter this weekend. But nor can you allow it to turn into a psychological vortex or a quicksand of concern that absorbs all your precious time and energy. Be brave enough to look at what must be dealt with and wise enough to understand that some of it is going to have to be left for a while to sort itself out. If you can't think constructive thoughts, think about other matters, entirely.
I need serious help.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
Even the smallest thing could be enough for you,
Still it was too hard for me to give.
Even the smallest thing could break your heart in two,
No wonder why it's hard for you to live.
Just like I turn you down,
I always shut you out.
No matter who I blame you're not around,
I can not turn back time,
I can not change a thing.
No matter what they say,
I shut you out.
Even the smallest thing could make your day complete,
I've never seen a bigger smile than yours.
Even the smallest thing could wipe you off your feet,
When no one's catching you,
you hit the floor.
Just like I turn you down,
I always shut you out.
No matter who I blame you're not around,
I can not turn back time,
I can not change a thing.
No matter what they say,
I shut you out
Millencolin ~ Shut You Out
Defining Butterfly
Walk tall. Stand proud. Be strong in yourself. If there is something you feel inclined to shrink away from, don't! Instead, take a bold step closer towards it. Jupiter and Saturn are urging you to face your fear. Even if you have a need to backdown or apologise for something, do it with honesty, sincerity and dignity. You can make a success of almost anything now, as long as you speak from the heart whilst looking people straight in the eye. You don't have to tell everyone everything. You should, though, tell them what it is only fair for them to know.
I’ve made a booking to see someone next Friday night. I’ve spoken to a few people in the last week, and the more I do this, the more I realise perhaps I didn’t stick to my guns enough. I am swayed by other people. It seems that I define myself through other people – which is not a good way to live. There seems to be no way to get out of this alive.
I promised to make it easier for mum, to open my heart to her. Yet we sat in silence to the station this morning. I could’ve told her about me going to the races this Saturday. But I didn’t. I could’ve told her I went out with his family to yum cha last Sunday. But I didn’t. I could’ve told her that it was his birthday last week, but I didn’t. So I couldn’t tell her that I made him a meal, and made a perfect pavlova. Everything I say, she comes away feeling left out, discarded. It seems even if the stars are out and telling me to be strong, somewhere deep inside, it seems that I can’t.
I’m a bit depressed after having a money discussion with my boyfriend over the Visa bill. And how money will always be tight as long as I choose to continue paying my mother. I find it harsh to say that I choose to. It is true what everyone says – he will never understand. And the more I think about it, the more I wonder why I didn’t have enough courage back in April to back down and stand firm and say no. And let him walk away, out of my life. Let him love me from afar, and let that be it. Why I couldn’t be strong and brave? Why did I have to choose him? He was too impatient, and I let him.
Why did I let him define me?
Undoing Butterfly
Christopher Columbus said the earth was round. Galileo was sure that it went round the Sun. Both got into a lot of trouble though, for saying as much. You don't always have an easy time if you are ahead of your time. You are now seeing further than most of the people around you. They can't envisage what you can envisage. There are a lot more of them than there are of you and they are very vocal. So should you give up and shut up? Not if you trust yourself. Say what you need to say. Ask what you need to ask. And please, don't worry.
Easy for you to say buster, you're just the astrologer.
Mum hates me. She calls my life up to this point a tragedy. My boyfriend thinks she doesn't love me. Mum hates that she loves me so much.
I hate that all I seem to want to do is please people.
In the words of Sarah McLachlan:
"I get confused and I come all undone"
or something like that anyway. I've been listening to
Afterglow all day, and the songs all just keep swirling around in my head. I haven't been sleeping lately, and I went back to that trick of listening to music until I fall asleep. And yeh - I picked
Afterglow last night.
Maybe you can help me stop worrying so much. Tell me - what is your belief/opinion on a couple living together that isn't married? Is there in fact a difference? I mean, whether you're de factor or married, you still have to do the same things - make breakfast, cook, clean, pay bills. You're still 'living together'. Save for that scrap of paper and the wedding - does anything in fact change?
Mum's arguing that I've already gotten married effectively. I've been walking in a daze ever since she said that. Why does everything always seem to creep up on me? Why does it feel like I'm constantly in denial? Why do I feel like I'm using my boyfriend as a means to escape?
It's late. I'm going to bed.
Rewiring Butterfly
You may not understand much but there is something that now makes a great deal of sense to you. Trust that. Stick with it. Make it the foundation stone of your skyscraper. Refer back to it, every time you find yourself in doubt. Every decision that you now need to make will become easy and clear if you acknowledge this crucial point. You will become ever more confused whenever you forget it. Pluto is now granting you a rare and precious gift; the ability to recognise an essential priority and to uphold it successfully.
If only I knew what that was though. I have no idea what that ‘thing that makes a great deal of sense to me’. Yesterday’s forecast was apt for what happened last night:
You can't dismantle a large piece of furniture with a small electrical screwdriver. Nor, though, can you use a drill to repair sensitive circuitry. You have to use the right tool for the right job. I make this point now because you may need to rethink your approach to a challenging situation. Before you make any more moves, consider your options and alternatives. If you are clever, careful and wise now you can yet find a way to achieve something that has started to seem very difficult. Don't just do what seems 'easiest'.
I could, should, probably write up what happened. But my mind seems to shy away from it all. Maybe I’m still in shock, I don’t know. Birthday dinner with work colleagues tonight. The few who don’t know about us, will know tonight. Don’t know how I feel about that. But, so be it. I’m all tense and such. I need my heard rewired.
