Hoping Butterfly
You have no idea how hard I'm hoping and wishing that things would all come out in the wash. The day that mother accepts this for what it is, and realises that in finding this man, it does not mean that I am choosing to replace my family with him. The day that she accepts all this - is the day that I will be one of the most happiest people alive. Of course, it may well turn out to be pointless to hope for this. After all, what is life, but a collection of random situation, filled with situations that often we cannot solve, and more than likely, may well never solve.I have booked a meeting for next Friday. I'm going to talk to someone. And hope to god that they will be able to help me. I specifically asked for someone who had the same cultural background as me. I'm tired of trying to explain my cultural history and the unspoken understandings to people who cannot fathom what it is I go through.
My boyfriend pointed out to me that my mother doesn't represent my culture, just like he isn't a representative of his. Reactions are often personal, and do not necessarily reflect all cultural situations. Perhaps.
The more I've thought about what to tell this woman on Friday, the more and more I'm seeing that perhaps this may well just all be a matter of me. I'm the one who isn't accepting. I'm the one who has all these problems. I'm the one that's holding myself back. No one else but me.
My boyfriend is trying to encourage me to move out for good. He believes that me staying a few nights at home, and then a few nights with him seems like I'm rubbing my situation in her face. All the girls I've spoken to have all sided with my mother and said to me, it is totally understandable for you to have baulked. If that is so, if my first instinct was to flee was correct, then why the hell did I latch on anyway? Why did the thought that something good was about to end scare me so badly? To the point where I've gone ahead and stuffed everything up?
The funny thing is, mum believes that she is the victim in all of this. Yet as the last few months attest on this blog, I believe that I am the victim in all of this. Perhaps from everyone's own personal opinion, they are always the victim. You are always the wronged one. Never the one who is wronging others. Because that would mean you'd begin to feel bad and would have to do something about it.
Humans are such hypocrites.
My head just keeps on spinning.
You know what I'm really killing for right now? A massage. A decent, professional, in-depth back massage. I can do without a full body. Because it's my back and shoulders that are suffering the most right now.
I know my mother loves me. I just wish that I could accept that she does.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 11:41 pm
2 Comments:
Hi Enigmatic Butterfly,
Sorry to side track from the topic!
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~~~ Hey it's been more than one year since we started blogging... Happy Anniversary! ~~~
Thanks Zan.
Amazing how much can change in a year huh?
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