At the Edge of the Abyss

Mechanic Butterfly

Well i went in to see my supervisor today and i don't know what i was expecting. but boy, was it a grim meeting. i guess it didn't help that it was rainy and overcast and COLD.. so cold.... what happened to the 31 degrees promised by the weather report?? liar...

i think i killed the car. as i was driving home tonight, my eyes suddenly alighted on the temperature gauge and noticed it was pretty high. i ended up stopping at a petrol station, only to discover that the coolant thingy for the radiator was EMPTY. I've never been one to pay attention to car troubles, so this was the first time i've ever had to deal with the car on my own, other than to drive the thing.

i ended up buying some coolant at the petrol station and was assured by the girl behind the counter that it would work. *crosses fingers* so i poured it in and merrily drove on home. only to discover ten minutes later that the temperature guage was still rising... i ended up having to stop at another petrol station, and rang a friend for help. they basically told me off on the phone. how was i supposed to know that i had to wait for the enginge to cool? if i had known that, then i would've stayed at the first petrol station - coz it was attached to a mcdonalds - which would've meant dinner (as opposed to sitting in the car in the freezing cold for 40 minutes waiting for the engine to cool at the second petrol station because there was like, NO form of entertainment or food venue whatsoever)!

so that's my mini adventure for the day. and even though i have to spend tomorrow at the mechanic and waste a day, not to mention being dragged up at the ungodly hour of 7am *gulp* (my normal waking hour these days is 11-midday), i swear for those ten precious moments after i drove away from the first petrol station i felt so proud - i was a girl, and i fixed a car problem. on my own! ha! who said all girls were useless? lol

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 11:44 am 0 comments

Fluttering Butterfly

I can't sleep. it's 10pm here, and i had a migraine and an earache earlier, so i decided to go to bed early. as i was drifting off i received a sms from him. yes, Him....

he msged to say 'hope the thesis is going well..' Can you believe it?!? he msged me!!! not email, not a call... SMS!!! i swear that guy is a sms junkie. too afraid to call, can't be bothered to email.. he sms's me! not only waking me up, but also effectively stopping me from getting the good night's rest i need. that was at 7.30 pm.

I drifted off to sleep and suddenly drifted back to consciousness at 10.17. i've been drifting, thinking about my essay, because i fudged it when i sent it to my supervisor earlier...
but tha'ts bedside the point. i've sorta realised that maybe he WASN'T suffering, and that he had immediately gone into work mode. i was the one who wasted all my time suffering... angsting, putting myself through all this hell, while meanwhile he's just been happily/merrily going along writing up his GOD DAMN THESIS.

i am so angry. and.. defeated. ...and weirdly, excited. that he contacted me. i am scared, well not scared, worried? concerned. i am concerned that he will break my resolve. i am concerned that i find myself feeling not so much anger at him as acceptance to be reminded that he wants me in his life. i am strangely gratified. he's going about trying to get me back in his life, and i feel a strange sense of hope that he wants me after all. the reason why i used to get so angry was because he had never shown anything to indicate that he did in fact want me, despite what he said. and so in my anger and stubborness told myself, 'just think that he hates me, or doesn't want me' and you can harbour some anger at him. but all that conscious effort seems to have dissolved of its own free will - over a sms. and it's not even a GOOD sms.

..has all my work this past month been in vain?!?! is an sms all it takes to unravel me? after all that anger??? after all that frustration? after all that depression?? i hate him, i hate him i hate him... yet, omg he smsed me! he took the time out to remind me that he's alive.

y'know, guys all SUCK. yes you all suck. you don't really know what you want, and you put us girls through the mill. if i find out later that he was just trying to be nice or whatever, i will sock him one, i swear. and i so hope that i get the opportunity to. why the hell did he sms me?!?!?! why the hell couldn't he just stay away and leave me to my misery? all he's doing is putting me through pain. i'm tempted to msg him back and go, 'please stay away'. he's not helping my situation. i was so focused on my thesis. i mean, despite it all. i was just sort've revelling in the ability to be able to be angry at him. i really was. i was glad that i could go, NER NER NERRRRRR. STUFF YOU. NER NER NERRRRR~~~ i know. how childish. but it made me feel better.i admit that i loved being miserable. i loved being the scorned one, and i loved that feeling of losing my self worth. sick and tragic as it may sound. i was maybe revelling in being able to transfer all my reserved emotional anger at him. i finally had a decent target that i could throw it at.

but no, he's one of those worthless gits that straddles both the 'jerk' and the 'nice guy' at the same time. does he even know what he's doing??? i believe that it is his belief that he's a nice guy. and i know that he can be one. but at the same time, he doesn't realise what he's put me through. and i'm worried that if he ever decides that he wants me in his life, that i will cave.
i HATE being the nice girl. i hate it. why do people always take advantage of me ??? i just want to be respected. i just want someone to appreciate me, and treat me right. and all he has to do is basically click his fingers (send one sms) and i'm gone.

THAT IS SO HORRIBLE AND WRONG.

i spent all this time trying to build myself back up. trying to remind myself that i can be my own person. and i'm so worried now that all my work.. all my hard work, will just go down the drain.
whoever it was that reminded me that i was wasting my time thinking about him was right. i should've listened to their advice. who the hell was i to think that i could just stay in my comfortable angsty spot and just beat myself to death?? it's so obvious seeing that sms that he hasn't.

the rational part of my mind wants to sit down with him and talk to him. and tell him what he's just done, and i want to know what exactly it is he wants. and i'm thinking, if he asks for me back, because he's serious about it... i may take him up on his offer.

i think that i think too much. maybe all he wanted was to see how i was. concern AS A FRIEND. remember that post??? Friend Love, not Love love...
MAN.. i hate nice guys...

if they're going to treat you so bad, then just BE the bad guy. none of this in between crap. all you do is confuse me. and twist me around, and give me hell. I CAN'T AFFORD THIS NOW! not when this thesis is due in 14 days.
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD...

it might even be he's at that stage i was the other night. where i finished a chapter (or in his case, most likely the thesis) and can afford to let go, and his mind automatically comes to me. and he caves in. but unlike me, he gets around to actually msging me. i stopped myself from msging him.

why can't he just be the jerk that he so is??? why does he have to pretend to be all nice and considerate?!?!? i am so angry that he can do that to me, and that i just seem to cave in. i can't even get my 'healthy' rest now...

i am so angry! i am so hurt! i am so.. so... i don't know what i am. i'm just confused. My mind's alll over the place. and i'm hoping after i type it all out, i can work my thesis a bit before going to sleep.

i finished chapter 4 today btw. yaay! now it's just fixing up the entire thing. i'm hoping my supervisor will see me tomorrow. i have to wake up early to check. (the other reason why i took an early night). but of course, me being pea brained me can't even get a decent night's sleep under my belt, despite going to bed at 3, 4, 5 am every morning.
damn you.

all guys SUCK. right now i wish that i'd also someone barred your phone calls. it would've made things a lot easier. a LOT easier. i bet the guy that's overseas who i sometimes ask for advice managed to get his girl. i haven't seen him online lately, and i want his advice. i really should give all these guys names. makes for easier blogging, since i can't put their names up here, or where they're from. well i could.. but i'm tempted to link my blog to my msn profile. i did it last night, and then chickened out after i tried out the link.

*sigh*

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 10:30 pm 0 comments

Evaluating Butterfly

I was clearing out my email, and I came across an email I wrote Him the week before i ended things with my ex, and somehow started the 'relationship' of sorts with Him. I've just been sitting here reading it, and it's interesting to see the things that i wrote, and then think/compare to how things have actually turned out. Sort've puts some things in perspective, and lets me evaluate how far i have come, or fallen behind as it may seem. i don't think i ever envisioned when i wrote the email in June that by the end of September things would be so drastically different.

I've decided to blog the email here, since the majority of this blog is dedicated to catharsizing my relationship demons, while cataloguing all my emotional angst. and hey, if i blog it up here, then i get to delete it from my email and leave more space for spam mail. lol.

note: E* = 'ex'
all bolded statements are my own emphasis (i.e. not bolded when the email was originally written)

~*~*~*~

Dear ***,

Well it seems like i'm making a habit out of emailing huh? *Grin*

Thanks for the call this morning, I appreciate it. To be honest i didn't expect you to call back this morning. I thought I might've caught you online today, or maybe have a long phone call with u later this weekend. Your call basically woke me up, and i wasn't exactly preparing what i needed to know or say in my sleep.... lol

I came to email you in an attempt to explain things to you, because in my half awake state, I wasn't sure if things were clear for you or not...

In case you're wondering - which knowing the way i think and the way you seem to be, or at the very least the way that i pick up the way you are, I wasn't 'upset' upset, or in pain when i rang you last night. I just needed to know where we stood. I needed to know whether Tuesday had impacted on you or not. Because you never said yea or nay. You simply admitted that we broke, or 'shattered' any form of control, and that was it. and you only spoke about it because i brought the topic up. I know that you haven't thought things through, and whatever else, and you didn't want to give me any answers or make any statements if they were all up in the air. So i didn't push. I was going to wait it out until you decided that we would need to 'talk.' because after last week, you had told me that even if i hadn't brought up everything, we would've talked about it eventually - i.e you would've talked to me about it. so i figured this time around, instead of me bringing it up, and potentially getting us into another situation where we get upset and angry at each other, i thought i'd let you sort things out and then let you instigate things.

But here's the thing... lately I have spent a lot of time around you. To the point where even my mother's been asking me what's going on =P LOL. I always have fun around you - i've always had fun around you. You give me a space in time where we can just laugh and make fun of the world. And it's nice. It's really *really* nice... at the same time, while you give me all of this, E* has been busy. really busy with his own things. And as i deal with his 'departure' of sorts, I find myself drifting. When i do end up spending time with him, some of the time, most of the time, there are things that i want to talk and tell him about that he just wouldn't understand, simply because he is not there. i.e. A lot of things have progressed, a lot of things have happened since i last really spent 'time' with him. Most of that time i've spent with you. Uni work, work work, family stress.. the whole supervisor saga, even the Duck Kingdom has made more of an impact on me these last 2 months. And when i tell you about these things, or when you've experienced these things with me... retelling them to E*.. sometimes, it just seems to defeat the purpose. It's strange... it's like, sometimes i can't be bothered telling him... i don't know why... there's been a few times where there's been silence on the phone when i talk to him, because I just don't know what to say to him. Distance does funny things to relationships.

Things with E* and me have always been rocky. There have been really *really* good times, and then there has been little things that get me. that somehow or other escalate into really *really* bad times. And to be honest, lately I have seriously considered ending things. I simply don't feel like I matter anymore. I feel like any spare moment he has, he doesn't spend it on me. He's got his work, he's got his family, he had his friend from overseas. And i'm just relegated to the way side. And i figured if that was the case, then why bother staying? i mean, i've already given up harbouring any hopes of things. If he promises to call, he ends up not calling. and then when he does eventually call a day later, it's like nothing had happened in between. no apologies, not even acknowledgement that he was supposed to have called. late arrivals with no explanation other than a shrug, or a look that said, 'u should know why, don't start' or something to that effect... it just felt like i wasn't wanted. And when you present me with all the stuff that you do, you make an effort to spend time with me. You explain to me when and why you can or can't talk to me on certain days, you offer me comfort and a hug when i need it, and you're in the same work situation as me, with uni and stuff, I can't help but turn towards you. I can't help but open up and seek solace in you. In some ways it can be taken that i'm substituting. In others, the fact that when i turn to you, and I turn to him, and I see things that to me indicate that it appears he doesn't care, also says some other things too. I'd like to think that I have been there for you also, and that I haven't just taken and not given anything back in return. I do care for you. More than can easily be expressed. You being in my life means more to me than you could possibly know. The thought of you turning to me one day and saying 'i'm leaving' because of something i did, or your simple disappearance 'one day' terrifies me. I respect you in ways that ironically i also hate in others. LOL. You're so stubborn when you choose to be. You have your own way of doing things, and yes I may disagree and I may not do them the same way, but at the very least I do respect and understand that they are your ways....

But yes, after Tuesday, even though on Tuesday itself, when i told you that it didn't change anything, in my mind when i told you what i did at campbelltown station, I also thought to myself, I care about you so much, and i want to spend my time with you all the time, but I can't express any of it. and i can't change the situation I'm in. So in my mind TUesday ended up being an unexpected opportunity to express my feelings to you. And at the same time you did the same. It was like a little plane of existence where both of us could simply let the other know how much we cared for each other. and it wouldn't detract from where we were, what we felt, or where we stood as friends. Like you said this morning, these last three days have kinda been like a pergutory of sorts.

But last night, I had a phone call from E*. One that i asked for, so not exactly the perfect situation -if it was, it would've been *him* ringing me out of the blue- but anyway.. lol, he told me a few things that made me reconsider in that maybe i've been reading the past 2 months wrong and he does in fact care more than he lets on. Because to be honest, despite what he says and tells me, sometimes he has a very funny way of showing it. Or maybe we were never on the same wavelength to begin with, and I never knew what was going on. But if nothing else, that phone call made me reconsider my position. Because like i said earlier in this email, these last two days I have been thinking about things. seriously thinking about the both of you, and based on how things have been lately, I was seriously considering ending things... because it says a lot when you get to the point that you don't care whether that person is there or not. and you get tired of hoping that the person you care about will turn up. when you get to that point when you think, 'gee.. he says he's going to turn up, but 9 times out of 10, he won't..' and you end up setting yourself for the fall.. and preparing for the worst... well, why bother staying at all? I figured if i was drifting, regardless of where he stood, then it wouldn't matter right? Because it would be silly to stay. and in some ways not fair, and quite hurtful to him.

But last night, after talking to him, I'm wondering if I have read things wrong. I don't know how Monday night will turn out. It will probably depend on whether I have a good time out or not. LOL. (oh, how fickle females are...lol) And whether we can 'reconnect' so to speak, or whether i will still feel the same as before that there's nothing there to salvage on my side....

And so, in me trying to contact you last night... I needed to see whether or not Tuesday had impacted on you the same way. i.e. a little window of opportunity outside of the norm to show/illustrate how things were for u at the moment, without consequences. Which was how i ended up summing it up that evening, and why i reassured you that you would not get a lecture over it, simply because i returned everything that you gave me. Willingly. And i didn't feel anything other than how much I cared. At no time did i think, how would i explain this if E* was there? Or, should i really be doing this? And when i kissed you, all i thought about was you. Nothing else.... So in my mind, I did nothing wrong. I was simply expressing to you how i felt... maybe in the big scheme of things, or considering the entire situation, what i did, or what you did, or what we both did, was wrong. But honestly? What happened, at least to my mind, in no way detracted from anything, other than the fact that it was a situation where both of us had missed each other so much.. and that we both just wanted the other to know how much.

When i asked you on Tuesday night what u thought etc. All i had wanted to know was whether that was what you had taken away from Tuesday night also. Or if it was simply that you had sworn that you weren't going to, the voices overrode ur reason, and then u went on automatic pilot. Or maybe you simply took an opportunity where i responded and threw caution to the wind for 'one more time', or whether because i had responded with such fervour, whether you expected more from me, and treated this as a catalyst, or at the very least, a stepping stone to a more clearer perspective of 'us' as a couple, rather than as simply close friends. I didn't want to tell you what i summed it up as in the aftermath, simply because i didn't want to deal with having you say 'what you said' because the situation could lead to me thinking 'what if conciously or subconciously you took my scenario, and because you cared that much about where i stood and how i deal with things, you automatically agreed with what i said'. I would rather you have told me what i told you today upfront without any chance of me influencing your thought process whatsoever, than have to deal with an opportunity or slight chance even if it was a 0.0000000000001% that what i think or say has any bearing on how ur thought processes go.

I don't know if this email helps things. I'm pretty sure that some of the stuff i've said today will be repetitive of previous emails. I just don't feel right asking for something, your opinion of where we stand, without giving you the full picture. I don't want you to misunderstand anything. This email is written simply to let you know how i feel at the present time. It may or may not change by Monday night. I don't know. But at the very least, right now, at this very moment, you can be proud to tell the world that you are communicating with a *very* confused girl. LOL I've tried to be as honest as I can with you. Even though I know that I care about you, I have to be honest when i tell you that despite my genuiness towards you, the substituting part - there is still a chance that that has some part no matter how small to play. But it also says something when i end up treating you in that position and i don't end up treating my boyfriend in his designated position either. I know that this can not be easy for you in any way. In some ways i wonder if it would be better for us and all concerned if i stayed away for a little while and toned down the contact. which was the other reason why the other night i struggled so hard not to sms or prank or email you. and yesterday when i discovered that my "grand email" had been sent to another email address, i didn't immediatley tell you about it, even though i wanted to. Every time a little thing happens in my life lately, I want to tell you about it. I want to share it with you. My emotional life is a very confused and piecemeal thing. It always was. And to be honest, even if i ended things with E* tomorrow, I wouldn't immediately jump into a relationship with you. I would spend time with you - definately. But i think that it would be better for the both of us in that scenario, that we gave it time, and reestablished our friendship before anything else. because the present situation that we're in, is not only complex and complicated, it's also... an exception if you like. everything is like accelerated, because we know that we can't have what we want. so when we get given opportunities to take even a little of that, we jump the gun a bit. at least that's what i think anyway. feel free to disagree and tell me about it. I also have to be honest when i say that even if we started going out, I have no guarantees that things would turn out great. Things could very well fall apart within weeks or months. When you wish for something, when it comes into reality, they don't necessarily turn out the way you want them to, or even how you envisaged them to be. NOt that i'm saying they won't.. i'm just saying... that you have to consider that, and i'm just saying upfront that things can't be guaranteed to go smoothly. as we already know, I'm not exactly the best person to form relationships with. Demanding, high maintenance, selfish, oh sorry, i mean self"less", abandonment and neglect issues, time and place, etc etc, the list goes on... gee what's there not to like? lol

I don't expect an email back from you regarding this whole epic of mine. Because i know that you don't communicate well on this medium. To be honest, I was really touched that you seemed so expressive last night on msn. It was really sweet and meant a lot to me to have you tell me things that you normally don't tell me. and it meant a lot to me to know how much i meant to you. It seems a lot of things that you do lately make me smile and feel so touched and happy inside. But at the very least I would like a response from you in some form. Be it a phone call or a sit-down talk next time we see each other, because you tell me that you do better in those situations, I will be happy to go with whatever way you decide. Believe it or not, I can talk face to face, it just takes time is all.. LOL. It's just that I don't usually have all my emotions hanging on my sleeve, and I tend to shy away from vulnerable situations wherever possible, which is why writing an email or chatting through msn is such a preferable medium for me. For me as a defence mechanism really. Because i'll be the first to admit that even though email and msn has its charms, and it gives me time to prepare my responses, as well as some control over the situation, I do sacrifice the 'human element' lol. And in turn the person on the other side also ends up controlling the responses they give.and they can also prepare whatever answers they choose to give me. While in person, whatever response is whatever genuine response. and if you tell me that you work better that way, then i will cater to you. Because I want to know what goes through your head. honestly i do. and i need to be reassured that what you tell me is true. not htat i don't believe u when u tell me things online or via email - just that i want double confirmation is all. LOL. rock solid truth.. lol

So again, i apologise if the things i have told you in this email regarding my situation with E* crosses the line between friendships and relationships. I'm sorry if i'm commiting the greatest of faux pas when i write this email. I'm sorry if i've placed you in an even more awkward position than before, and I'm sorry if i'm going about this friendship/relationship thing all wrong. but to be honest, i think we threw out the rule book a long time ago. Maybe i'm being selfish in trying to make myself feel better by writing and sending this email off to you. but at the very least this one's going to the right address.. lol

I'm sorry if this email means that you have to act like the 29 year old and put me back in my place. I accept any decision you make. all i want you to know is where i am at this current situation, and where things could go after monday. because i think that it's only fair that you know. E* means a lot to me, if only because we've been in this relationsihp for so long. Which i know in some cases is not reason enough. I know that i have been drifting lately, but i'm not 100% over what the reason is. It may well be that without you in the picture I would continue to be in that limbo for how many more years. With a few nights out tagged as the 'best nights' out ever, and the rest of it quite miserable. which may or may not be how relationships are supposed to go. I don't know.. I know that relationships aren't supposed to be all happy and cotton candy... i accept that reality. I also know that sometimes you need really bad times to sort things through. and i also acknowledge that you have to deal with all their faults and foibles... at the same time... depending on how you look at things, maybe you being here gives me an opportunity to see that there wasn't that much or as much in that relationship as i had thought. or maybe, you being here will make me realise what i'm about to lose if i choose to leave. It's all very complicated, and i know that it must so suck to be you. which is why i have tried my best, and i know that i have so miserably failed, at trying to emphasize the friendship element with you. On the weekend when i got upset over not being able to talk to you for more than ten minutes,and the few times i've brought up the fact that there are more silences in our conversations - it was meant as a side ways thing to try and move us back to 'friendsihp' level. I want the conversations that we used to have. The ones that emphasized to the both of us how much we enjoyed each other's company. the ones that made time fly by. not that i'm sayiing there's anything against missing each other or simply smiling at each other... but it's just... i want to experience that platonic level again, because sometimes it seems to me that our feelings for each other seem to override everything else. and as nice as that is, and it is wonderful, I don't want to get too caught up in that, and forget why i started liking you in the first place. ...does that even make sense? or have i just lost you in the waffling and making the most simplest sentences so complex it's not funny? *rueful smile*

Well, it's 1.45 here. So i guess i better get started on my essay. Or at the very least drown my sorrows with spider for a few more hours before the sun decides to set.

I hope this clarifies things in some form or other. and i hope that we can talk about it in some form or other. Whatever medium that you personally find more comfortable will be fine by me. Don't make your decision based on my comfort level. I will be willing to deal with it however you want to deal with it, and i will be willing to wait until that time that you're ready to talk about it. ...just don't make it too far off in the future ok? Purgatory is great and all... but my bum starts feeling numb after sitting waiting too long =P LOL. and you have to admit, bringing this up 15 years down the track can be a bit awkward when you have to struggle to remember exact scenarios and context. =) I will let you know how things go on Monday night sometime next week whenever i get to talk to you.

I just wanted you to know how i get around to making my decision processes, simply because I was so close this week to changing everything. I still am in some ways. In some, i was more closer this week than i've ever been. well, at the very least, emotionally ready anyway. considering that i have actually broken up with him before.. but anyway. if things on monday end up with me staying.... i want you to know why. and i also want you to know that it in NO WAY detracts from how i feel about you, and what i expressed to you on tuesday - because they were and are, absolutely genuine. I will always love you regardless of the situation we will be in. At the same time, if i choose to stay, it will also mean that we will need to change the dynamics between us. and i will unfortunately need to make a distinction between the two of you. something which i have somehow unconciously done in the last 2 months, with u somehow ending up on top without me even realising.

like i said earlier, i'm really, really, really, *REALLY* sorry that i've placed you in such an awkward position. if you choose at the end of the day not to respond because you feel that anything you have to say, want to say, or feel emotionally has already been covered to death, and would just be repetitive rather than help or allieviate the situation in any way, I will understand. and i will no longer push you for anything. I don't want to force you to answer something that goes against your principles =)

I hope i haven't muddied the waters too much.

Much love,
****

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 7:02 pm 0 comments

Panicky Butterfly

12:27 AM
(technically 29th Sept)

eeeikkkkkk....... why aren't i writing?????

10:02 PM

Aww man.... i just spent twenty minutes writing up fan'e'mail only to accidently lose it by somehow going backwards in the browser... i was browsing the net to find out when the next book would in a fantasy trilogy i'm following will be published, and discovered that the author had a blog and a contactable email address (!!!) and felt compelled to write... but of course, since i'm writing to an author/novellist, i have to make sure that all my ravings are gramatically correct. last i need is to sound intellectually inferior when trying to praise an author. I'm such a big fan... *sigh*

guess someone's trying to tell me something though, if i can't even send the email. yes i know.. i know... shouldn't i be writing my thesis? blah....

b-b-b-ut like, procrastinating's half the fun. yeh? ;)


7:00 PM ...
YAAAY!!!

just went and checked my email and got a reply from my supervisor commenting on my chapter 2 draft: "Your writing style is getting better with each draft by the way.... was impressed with the clarity of your writing."

Did i ever say that i loved my supervisor?

if this doesn't motivate me to write more at 5am in the morning, i don't know what will... so if i believe the myths that i create, this means that I have five hours to kill before i get back on the writing bandwagon.

*gulp*

the only bad thing about praise is that you're also expected to keep it up and be consistent.

..what happens if that chapter was just some kind've fluke???

*eyes dart around the room paranoidly*

6:44PM
Watching Bridget Jones Diary twice through (once without and once with director's commentary) does not a decent thesis make.

Is this going to be the vicious cycle for the next fortnight?!?!?!

areggghuagihdjguhrgi!!!!!!!!

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 6:44 pm 0 comments

Impulsive Butterfly

Dear ***,

I should not be writing this email to you. I am sure that you have noticed my silence and distant demeanour towards you of late. To be honest, I have been so for both our sakes. Firstly I have been so emotionally distraught since your decision that I did not feel it would be healthy for either of us for me to stay in any means or form. Secondly, I did not feel that my presence would help you in any shape or form. I know that you are capable, and I know that you are strong. And I know that you can get over little bumps in the road, in order to get the job done.

The day that you made your decision, you let me into a part of you, that I have been desperately trying to enter since we became close friends. It is so rare that you open up to me, like, honestly open up. Ironically you did so after it no longer mattered realistically whether or not you did or not.

The dynamics of what we are have changed. There is no doubt about that. And whether you know it or not I have had to make certain assumptions over us, in order for me to survive. One of the things that I have come to realize, and feel free to disprove me, is that no matter that you respected me and allowed me to be everything I was, I tried to be everything that you wanted. In the process of our ‘trial’ I let go of most of my vestiges of self respect, and simply walked on egg shells around you. I got so caught up with wanting you to stay, that I didn’t care that I was giving up a part of myself that I would not usually give out. You meant that much to me. ‘us’ meant that much to me.

Perhaps I have simply been in denial. I have been thinking a lot lately over your actions, and over my reactions to everything. Perhaps my own reactions have been too strong and unfair towards you. But to be honest, I think in some form, I have my reasons.

You may wonder then, why I choose to email you right now. There are only 18 days left to the end of this thesis, and in the early hours of the morning as I put to bed my first draft of my second last chapter, my thoughts drift to you. I received an email from you last week telling me that you weren’t doing well, that you were having supervisor problems and that you were starting to panic. I dismissed your email out of hand. Partly because I did not feel you warranted my sympathy – after all, you chose your thesis over me, so why should I care? And partly because I could not in all honesty be sympathetic towards you, on the chances that I would yet again cave in, let go of my self-respect and break down when your actions would remind me that you didn't want me/couldn't care less about the way that i was feeling. I couldn’t handle going through it all over again. And if I was to truly stand on my own two feet, it would be necessary for me to end us, the part of my life, which you have so obviously chosen to end.

But, I’d like to think that I’m getting over this. And perhaps I am ready to be more civil towards you. My nature does not make it easy for me to end friendships easily. And the fact that I am writing this email says to me that you mean more to me than I’d care to admit. Having said that, if you need someone to talk to over your thesis, I am here. It may not mean much, and you in turn may dismiss this email out of hand. If that is the case, so be it. I take it as closure. I’m not asking for anything. I’m just offering you a shoulder, if you so need it.

~ ***


In the early hours of the morning I caved in to my feelings and suddenly spared a thought for him. That (above email) was what resulted. I chose not to send it last night, thinking that I could make the decision this morning, or at the very least post it up and see if anyone had any comments regarding whether or not i should send it before i acted on my impulses.

I woke up this morning and was glad that i didn't send it. I went to bed feeling a lot less emotionally distraught. writing the email at the very least abated my treacherous feelings, if not exorcising them. most likely those feelings are still hanging around somewhere, but at least i've shut them up for a while.

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 5:10 pm 0 comments

Exonerating Butterfly

...maybe i'm just waiting for you to come online so i can talk to you?

or will you be too busy chasing skirts to realise?

i've resorted to biscuits and milk to motivate me to read, research and write.

~ * ~

4:09 am
Man, i'm tired.... i'm so tempted to just go to bed and finish this off tomorrow morning. uh, i mean, after i get some nap time. but that's what got me in this mess in the first place! if i leave it, i won't get anything done tomorrow either - and i have to start thinking on chapter 4 tomorrow.

aieeee!!!!!!

i don't know if it's a good or bad thing now that i drank so much milk earlier... so sleepy...

ok, back to work before i find another excuse to procrastinate.

*crack!* goes the whip.... nothing like self-flagellating to push me onto clear headed, concise thinking/writing at 4am in the morning.. *sigh*

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 11:34 pm 0 comments

Trainwreck Butterfly

The phrase, 'it's like watching a trainwreck," where it's something that you don't want to watch, but you feel compelled to watch anyway seems to perfectly describe the painful procedure of thesis writing that i am experiencing on this round of chapter writing.

I've been watching myself for the last two days procrastinate, go out, blog, drive, download music... doing everything but write. and i can't afford to do it. tonight's the last deadline for this chapter. i HAVE to write a decent chapter 4 tomorrow. my supervisor EXPECTS the next chapter (4) by wednesday latest. then i have THIRTEEN days to rewrite the entire thing and make it decent.

O. M. G.

what the *hell* am i thinking?!?!

there's like no reason not to do this stupid essay except for pure laziness. i've already blogged all the immediate emotional issues that have been burdening me the last few days. everything else is pretty ordinary. i'm tired... had an argument with my ex on the phone last night (don't go there...) so i ended up going to pretty bed late - again. not that i would've done much staying online either.

oh, there's another class dinner to look forward to when the thesis is over. i'm trying to get the organise to make it a wednesday night instead of a thursday night. i know he's busy on wednesday nights. ;) smart thinking butterfly - yes! and do i really want to have to go through that painful trauma experience all over again? it's a 3 course dinner, with dancing facilities. *gulp* yeh.. i would prefer not to have him on the dance floor. it's hard to give someone a cold shoulder when you're being nice and having fun with everyone else.

let's not lie to myself though. knowing that there is a dinner where i can see him again in the next few weeks is not what's stopping me from writing.

just write the god damn thing and be done with it! who would've thought that a straight forward chapter would be SO HARD to write?? or am i just getting ahead of myself??

GRRrrr...

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 10:13 pm 0 comments

Fickle Butterfly

I do believe i've run the gamut of emotions today. I went to bed last night/this morning at 6am. I have never worked the entire night until the sun rose. well, technically i didn't 'work' work... i blog-surfed for an inordinate amount of time first. chatted online to my overseas friend, before eventually working solidly around 2? 3? hours. but i had to go into uni today. i ended up sleeping for 4-5 hours, before driving for an hour into uni. had an ok meeting with my supervisor, before proceeding to 'work' in the library. more like, mucking around with corel photo paint and a whole bunch of digital images (new banner anyone?), followed by maybe half an hour of 'solid' work before the library reminded me that they close at 6 on friday nights. *sigh* just when i was settling into it too... and tomorrow i won't have the car... =( and this chapter needs to be *done*! you'd think that would mean that i'd actually work tonight, but again, i've spent it downloading and blog-surfing.

I had been told that Vertical Horizon had made a new albulm, but it didn't register in my head until tonight. Be ready for plentiful excerpts of Vertical Horizon lyrics here (right sidebar) -->

Incessant rambling aside, there has been a few dominant thoughts in my mind tonight. in particular a chat that i had with my overseas friend last night. this is the one who, last week, told me that when he was in the country earlier in the year, he was actually serious about being interested in me. obviously we can't be right now, since he is across the other side of the globe. but what made things so complicated for me last night when chatting to him online, was the sudden and irrational jealousy i felt when he told me that he was currently testing waters, and attempting to go after another girl.

now technically, i shouldn't feel jealous at all. after all, we never were anything. even when he was here, we didn't work out because i still had my bf at the time. so our attraction was something that we acknowledged but didn't do anything about.

so why be jealous? after all, he's entitled to go off and find some of his own happiness. and it's not like he'll find any in me, since i'm over here, and he's over there.

our chats basically amount to harmless flirting. except that in my messed up little world, knowing that he likes me, and knowing that he is interested, no matter the circumstances makes for strange, i guess, possessive reactions from me. which is really bizarre when you sit down and take a look at it. i mean, i know that he wouldn't hold it against me if i went out and got myself someone - hell that's what got me into this blogging mess in the first place... i jumped out of one relationship into another .. and somehow managed to get my heart broken twice in a row. some girls have all the luck, i swear.

but honestly.. why do i suddenly feel all... uneasy? betrayed would be too strong a word. online relationships in any sense shape or form are tenuous at best. unless of course there is history involved. so i mean... why get all upset?

perhaps in my mind if you tell me that you're interested in me, flirting takes on a different hue? i mean, if you say that you're interested in me, doesn't that mean that you don't go after other girls? i know he's a bit of a flirt anyway. but for whatever reason i do believe him when he tells me that he's interested. of course nothing can come about with us. as i said, distance is the biggest factor against this. and i know in the back of my mind that i shouldn't be upset. and i can't exactly wish mean thoughts on him - not really. he hasn't done anything wrong! and out of my troubled love life so far, he's one of the few who have indeed 'treated me right'.

so do i really care that much whether or not he's chasing after someone else? Does it really matter that supposedly he's sorta 'seeing me on the side'? or am i being too overly dramatic?

clingy clingy clingy.... *sigh*

if i really be rational about it all, i must acknowledge that everything is harmless... nothing can come of this. i mean, it's not like i'm going to be leaving the country any time soon, so it's not like any of this can be resolved in any means or form. although for whatever bizarre reason i am suddenly compelled to hop on a plane and claim him before he disappears for good. lol.

i mean, what if one day i manage to save enough money to go over there, and discover that he's gone and got himself a girlfriend, or gone ahead and got happily married? that sense of 'but we could have been!!' would be so frustrating.. Lost loves.. the guy that you can't have. that ever elusive 'perfect' relationship..

*sigh* i hate feeling regret at missed opportunities.

so why can't i just accept that we just flirt and leave it at that? why do i have to dig deeper for something that won't/can't work? y'know, it may simply be that the sad reality is that in order for me to keep my head afloat from the emotional waves of despair and loneliness that constantly threaten to overwhelm me, i automatically go and latch myself onto any guy who even shows the slightest or remotest sense of interest of me in any way. it also probably means that I've been spending too much time on my own. hopefully once i start working in november and going out a bit more, i will no longer be so affected by a guy's love life who is halfway across the other side of the globe.

i think i'm also scared about what this whole episode says about me. the conclusion that i came to last night before i drifted off to sleep, was that i basically was emotionally messed up. I'm really not cut out for relationships. You know, if i want to be all cynical about it, that whole Hollywood mythology of finding "the one" was probably concocted not only to enhance the emotional insecurities than we already have, but by creating that emptiness, or that desire to look beyond ourselves and dare to dream, most likely make us continually return to the silver screen for solace. I want a guy like *that* one. Where's my tom cruise? Where's my Ralph Fiennes? Where? where? where?

will i always need some semblance of a love interest to keep me sane and balanced? i mean, what is the point of online relationships anyway? they flirt with you and tell you things, and me being naieve me sometimes take their word. and then i get upset when i discover that they in fact have someone 'real' they're after... why waste all this time cultivating online relationships if you are really after someone else? that's not nice. do online relationships not count as part of 'reality'? is it all just fun and games?

or am i just looking for a 'greater being' to blame all my woes upon? is it just a personal 'me' thing? sometimes it seems like i am constantly on the lookout for someone better. why is it that i get my head turned so easily? what is it about my current situation that i dislike so much that i have to constantly look to greener pastures? if i do find someone, should i one day end up seeing the guy that i've been pining over so much lately, or the one overseas... will i get those twinges that says to me, 'what if..' and then start daydreaming? supposedly my relationship with whoever i would be with, would be strong enough to keep me. but i can't help but wonder. and i'm terrified at those thoughts. because as i'm sure this is true of a lot of people, unfaithfulness isn't exactly something i adhere to or a trait i particularly admire or aspire to attain.

So i have emotional issues. nah derr.. everyone has emotional issues. it's just that this friend of mine has been weighing on my mind as of late. especially after last night. the thrill of being able to talk to him and know that if we were geographically on the same plane (be that metaphorical or literal), things would have a chance of 'beginning' makes me happy. at the same time, i worry that i'm just falling back into the same rut that got me into the mess that i'm in right now. and in fact, i'm just looking for another lifejacket, instead of truly facing up to my flaws and learning to deal and love who i am. am i taking the easy way out? am i too cowardly to face my own inner demons? am i being lazy, and lapsing into indifference and bitterness? 'fine, you can choose not to have me as your gf, but i choose not to have you in my life'. and of course, all the shades in between...

i honestly am better today. i am. you no longer harbour my thoughts as much as you used to. currently i seem to be preoccupied with my friend overseas to think about you. *rueful smile*

fickle, fickle, fickle.

Maybe it's all just vanity. my little fragile ego has taken another pounding. 'but he said i was his 'fantasy girl'!! so what is he doing chasing after another girl??' because... fantasy isn't reality.

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 1:55 am 0 comments

Ranting Butterfly

I meant to write a blog today explaining my earlier blog about emotional issues. some things happened last night that have made me do some soul searching and emotional unpacking (like that doesn't happen on a daily basis anyway). but circumstances have changed. I just got an email from one of my lecturers. And since you and i are no longer, and i have no one to rant to over the unfair inconsistencies in university assignments worth ungodly amounts of percentages that contribute to thesis marks, i shall rant on this blog instead.

it is absolutely ridiculous to think that we have any idea what's going on in regards this latest assignment. My thesis is due on October 13. Following this thesis there will be another essay due a week or two later. i had originally assumed that that essay would be written based on where my thesis sits in relation to the subject at large. However my lecturer has written us all to tell us that in fact, it is supposed to be an extended and expanded version of the literature survey that we were required to do earlier in the year.

herein lies the problem. it is unfair to give us assignments where not only do the students, but also those lecturers marking do not know what the thrust of the assignment is about. no one in their right mind knows exactly what a literature survey is. for those of us who have high ambitions of getting a first class honours thesis, our hopes were dashed early on in when our marks came back for our first assignment - a 3000 literature survey. i personally was criticised for

1. not writing a literature survey (whatever that is)

and

2. not being critical enough.

the issue for me though, was simply that my supervisor had looked at my drafts and gave me the go ahead, telling me the way i was going was fine. i.e i was given two different sets of instructions. and when my lecturer marked my literature survey i was penalised.

the bad side of that story was that it ruined any chances of me getting first class honours, and also gave me a breakdown of sorts which led me to question why i had bothered doing honours in the first place. i had had such high hopes for doing well - the last bastion before i went 'out there' into the workforce. it seemed to defeat the purpose of me doing anything of this calibre if i was going to be criticised for doing something that i was told specifically to do, not to mention the fact that they were basically playing with us, by dashing all our hopes of ever receiving a first class honours award because the lecturer doesn't have a *clue* what he is actually assigning us to do, not to mention the fact that he hasn't briefed the markers properly either. and i wasn't the only one to suffer at the hands of that literature survey. i know that you suffered a lot more, what with your supervisor marking you even lower than your second marker. there were horror stories all around the class with that literature survey.

so after that controversial 'literature survey' you can understand why i am spitting chips at having to discover that i have to do a more 'in-depth' literature survey as my final assignment - worth 60%. i already stuffed up my last 60% essay due to other stupid markers who told me that my writing sucked and that it was decent for undergraduate writing, but was pretty beyond the pale for honours writing (i got a pass). keep in mind that i received a 90% for a seminar paper worth 30% earlier in the year. so go figure. talk about highs and lows. mind you, the marker who gave me the pass came back a week later to tell us that he changed his mind, and that i deserved better than a pass after all. thanks buddy.... not to ruin the morale of honours students or stop us from being motivated to write or anything.... don't want to give us a writing complex or make us question the credibility of the tertiary institution that we're attending...

but seriously... i'm running along at a fairly moderate pace with my thesis right now. personally considering the emotional state that i have been in for the last three weeks, i'm actually pretty proud of myself that i have managed to get *anything* done. which effectively flies in the face of You who can't even write your introduction. it may simply be that you're procrastinating and you haven't done enough of your research. but personally i choose to believe that you are berating yourself over me and can't function properly without my unwavering emotional support and friendliness towards you. may you suffer ten times what i have gone through the last three weeks. may you die a horrible emotional death and may no one ever love you. you don't deserve to be loved if this is the way you treat a girl who has pledged her undying love to you, and practically handed herself to you on a platter. yes, i am bitter. deal with it.

*Shakes head*

back to my ranting though. i'm still so incensed. what on earth does my lecturer expect me to do??? this thesis is bad enough. but the stress that will accumulate after i start working on that final essay could well kill me. i'm hoping that i can still do reasonably well on my thesis and the degree in general. i'm gunning for a 2AA (a distinction), or B, however you understand it. basically second to first. i can live with that because apparently it's still looked on as a good thing. i.e. the pay rate for a first class and second class isn't that much different. it's only if i want a phd scholarship that first class really matters. well, that and the whole thrill of getting 'first class'. but yeh, like i said earlier, like that's really going to happen to any of us. *mutters* stupid inconsiderate unorganised lecturers. screw us around. i hate being guinea pigs for teaching programs. all we get is screwed around. it's us that suffer. for those who are in charge of organising everything, it's just a 'steep learning curve' and an example of how they can do better 'next time.'

bah....

i mean, it's just absolutely ridiculous! this assignment is an absolute joke. i'd march up to his door and start raving at him, except that it wouldn't do anything other than confirm that i am a certified lunatic. it's bad enough that they think that already, without having it confirmed. and i'm not about ready to burn all my academic bridges yet... graduation is in april. i still want them smiling in my photos. =P lol.

bah....

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 7:45 pm 0 comments

Profound Butterfly

I've just sorted it out - I'm not emotionally ready for relationships.

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 10:48 am 0 comments

Serendipitous Butterfly

*gulp* I have yet again caved in to the whimsical desire to be popular, not to mention the thrilling idea of having a 'fan base' on the net. ha! what started out as a means for emotional therapy and to let loose all the internal angst over a breakup has ended with me signing up to webrings/web log update sites that will inevitably eventuate with someone i know actually finding me via a blog search engine.

the initial thrill of blogging was that everything was anonymous. and to some extents i have tried to keep nitty gritty details like names, addresses and locations out of sight. yet here i am not so much joining other blogging rings, as simply submitting my site to inform them that my page has been updated.

*sigh*

looks like i'm just tempting fate and hoping that you'll come across this blog huh? what are the chances that even if you came across it, that you'd know that i was talking about you? although if you really look at this blog closely, i'm sure there will be a few obvious pointers.

GrrRrr!

tell me - what on earth am i thinking?!?

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 3:33 am 2 comments

Rhetorical Butterfly

Is it the thought that I'm not worth your time that kills me the most? Can a thesis really stop you in your tracks? the longest you stayed with your ex girflriends was 12? 13? 15? months. You loved them that much that you chose to stay. you stayed and struggled to keep the relationship afloat. making sure that the most fundamental difference - conversation - was constantly maintained.

We have that connection (conversation). if we had it our way we'd talk until the cows retired to their beachfront property in the bahamas. What we don't have is the same outlook on love. I want to be able to show you how much i care. i want to be able to talk to you, and tell you my innermost thoughts. i want to give you everything that defines me. that to me, are the nuts and bolts of love. to give someone the most precious gift that they can give to another - themselves. i put up so many facades to the world. rough, tough and miss independent. caustic, opinionated, seemingly stubborn, and refuses to follow trends. yet underneath it all, all i really crave is for acceptance and love. I can be so fragile and sensitive. i can be so emotionally vulnerable. i go after what i want, but i can be just as scared as the next person that what i want isn't what i need, and am just as unsure as the next person that every decision i make could very well be a mistake.

Whereas your idea of love is friendship first. without the friendship there is nothing. yet you don't seem to want to treat me any differently from the rest of your friends. if that's the case, why claim that you love me, when you treat me no differently to the rest??? Not to say that our two outlooks on love are completely incompatible. compromise can be made - if we both work on it. i am willing to work on it, but as time has attested it is more me working and you accepting. it's a one way street with you sitting back and doing nothing. and that's just not fair. not if this relationship is to work out. in the immortal words of pop culture "it's not always rainbows and butterflies/it's compromise that moves us along" (Maroon 5 - look to right for more pop culture references).

Maybe i threw myself in too early. Maybe i trusted you too much. Maybe i shouldn't have opened up to the extent I did. Maybe I scared you. I had my little heart set on you, y'know? i so got carried away with what we could be, and not what we actually were.

regarding the downfall of this relationship, we both have our burdens to bear. i just wish it didn't have to hurt so much sometimes, that's all.

I acknowledge that I can't wish this never happened to me. How can i appreciate what i have, if i don't meet heartbreak head on? How can I expect to grow emotionally if i do not drive over the speed humps? I guess i should thank you for teaching me this lesson, to love someone so much and know what it feels like to have my heart broken. hopefully i will remember to tread more cautiously next time. i know that i am impetuous. i know that i am impatient. but at least i know what the true consequences are now.

I know how much you hate cliches, and I hope that this relationship wasn't a cliche for you.

Life can be so empty without love. It can be so empty without someone to hold onto, anchoring you.

I miss the excitement you brought into my life. The toes curling, the accelerated heartbeats, the twisted tummy aches, the butterflies whenever i saw you in person, spent time with you, or talked to you on the phone. I miss the smiles you brought to my life, and the contentedness knowing that the person i loved and adored also loved and adored me. I never cried out of happiness over a guy until i met you.

I'm sorry I scared and pushed you away. at the same time, I don't regret it. If I could go back, maybe i would reign in some of my actions. but given my emotionally vulnerable state at the time, I recognise that i had my reasons. perhaps you are not as emotionally secure or ready for a long term serious relationship as you had first believed. and you had to learn that lesson at my expense. if that's the case, so be it. they say that people come into your life for a reason. i guess so... if that's the reason I came into yours, maybe your reason to come into mine was to show me that i needed to remember who i was, and that my ex and i were not to be. maybe you gave me the reason/excuse/courage to set things right in that relationship, and go after what i really wanted, rather than just settling.

*sigh*

Am i just being childish or over-dramatic in my defeatist attitude and 'so be it' rhetoric?? most probably. but are there any other ways that i can express my anger and hurt that i feel at being rejected? no. so i guess everything just cancels everything else out, huh?

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 2:40 am 0 comments

Procrastinating Butterfly

What happens when the deadlines pile up and you just feel so unmotivated as to simply spend the day moping/blog-surfing/watching current affairs shows (yes i know, i'm *that* desperate)? This chapter was supposed to be written 3 days ago. I just don't feel up to it. it's too big and lengthy, and i'm too out of my depth. there is nothing in there that even speaks to me on a true level. i'm doing this chapter because it has to be done. in the meantime, i'm reading on all this stuff which tells me that it's kinda useless because people have already covered it all... what to do? what to do? i have to go in to see my supervisor tomorrow.... i can't do that if i don't send him something decent.... this thing is due in less than 3 weeks..... everything that i've supposedly worked for is DONE and OVER in the next 3 weeks *gulp* the deadline's October 13. who would've thought that it would come flying in so fast???

*throws head in sink*

and here i am stupidly blogging away my time. I ended up going to bed early last night, surmising that i would wake up early today. i still ended up dragging myself up at 11.30 with the sleepy headache that tells me that i won't get much done today. ....GRRrrrRRrrr....

I wonder if you are in the same boat? last i heard you were having troubles with your supervisor and hadn't written up your introduction yet. "introduction here I come" were your exact words if i'm not mistaken. which says something, considering i tried to block you out most of that day...

I decided to see if my horoscope has any predictions for me today. or at least some words of wisdom to remotivate me.

It's hard not to be aware of the way you, walk, talk, think and throw yourself into your enthusiasms. You have a gift -- in fact, you have several -- so don't be afraid to use and share them. If you involve yourself in doing a good job not merely for the external rewards, but for the joy of doing something you love, your destiny will become clearer to you.

hrmm.. so as long as i believe in my thesis, everything will become clear? do you think the heavens could like, stop time for me so i that i can procrastinate, motivate and then produce the bestest thesis i could write, ever?? or would that be too silly?

i don't understand... why can't i write??? what stops me from doing the things that need to get done?? I can't really blame it on you. I'm turning a corner regarding us. I think i am. The motto, "my plans still have you in them" may still hold true, but they're more wishful thinking now, than truly believing. I know somewhere in the back of my mind that we are too different in certain things for us to work out. But me being me, has to put myself through misery and beat myself every once in a while so i won't forget how it feels. i don't understand why i continually spend so much time thinking about you. you're gone and out of my life.

although i did wish last night that i'd also left the country. see, if i do that, then i'm guaranteed to get over you. i was flicking through a glossy magazine today looking at what is being held in terms of festivals etc in the city in october, and the 'life i am to lead' once this thesis is over (fancy restaurants, after hours drinks with work people, food festivals down at the park, etc etc - all the stuff i've always wanted to do, but never was able to), and i wondered if i would crash into you one day on one of my jaunts.

i wonder if i am doing the right thing by kicking you out of my life. this circumstance of ours is a little different to most (or maybe not?). you didn't cheat on me. supposedly if you are to be believed, you still love me. it's just that you don't want to be with me. and i think some of it, isn't even that you don't want to be, it's more that you've got it into your head that you can't give me everything that i need, therefore it's better for both of us, if you stay away. which hurts. there's probably some sick and twisted logic in there, that if i really sit down and hurt my head, it will become clear. but i choose not to.

i have gotten the impression lately that guys can tell you that they still love you, but that it's not the same as being 'in love' with you. just because you stop dating someone, doesn't stop you from caring about them. i guess.. except that as a girl, if you tell me that you care about me, i automatically wish and want more. i want you to care about me *that* way. i want you to love me, and *want* to spend time with me. but if i really take a step back from impetuous me, i'll discover that you really do have emotional issues. that most of the time you don't really know what you want, and that you're struggling not only with dealing with the emotions inside you, but also with trying as hard as possible not to hurt me. so maybe it is a good thing that you are leaving me.

but who would've thought that it would hurt that much? for you to stop mid-stream, just when things were going good and strong.. yes there were tensions running underneath... but love is supposed to override all that.. yes? or is this the disillusioned butterfly talking? the one who got duped by all the Hollywood sugar-coated romantic comedies? i just wish you loved me and wantd me as much as my ex seems to want and love me. horrible comparison. i know. my love life is just a running joke sometimes, i swear. even i have trouble trying to sympathise with myself...

i can and will kick you out of my life. it's just that i'd like to hold onto that fantasy that you will come back to me, just that little bit longer. it makes for things to pass by a little quicker i guess. or something.. *shrug* i wonder how things will pan out if you do come back though. i think it will take courage for you to come back. and it will take even more courage for you to come back a second time if i choose to rebuff you the first time. unfortunately, for my own pride i may be stupid and stubborn and kick you aside. but i know that you will treat that as the end, and not come back. and if that's the case, then you don't deserve me right? supposedly...

maybe all this angst and hurt over you is simply because you took something away from me.. by not giving me what i want, you make me want it even more. the old adage that you have to play hard to get in order for a guy to like and appreciate you.... i think i ended up trusting you so much that i threw all that in the air. i figured if i really did want you, and you seemed the same, then what's the point of playing cat and mouse? you'll win eventually anyway, and proceeded to hang my heart out on my sleeve. and in doing so, whether you noticed it or not, i think you probably did end up taking advantage of it a little.

when you take a step back from all of this, you end up realizing that there's nothing you can change. and the only thing i can do, is get on with my life. i'm not at the official stage where i no longer want you anymore. i'm a sad and sorry case, i know. if only i could stop procrastinating and get back to being really motivated in writing, then i could stop thinking about you again.

GrrrRrrr! *shakes head*

write, write, write....

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 1:55 pm 0 comments

Awakening Butterfly

i have been blog hopping (procrastinating as usual) and it just struck me. Did you know that it's spring??? it's the 22nd of September - and it's spring!!! Have i really been that preoccupied that i didn't even notice the seasons changing? Somewhere in my mind it registered that pollen was in the air, that trees were starting to bloom with their little buds (see banner above), and that the temperature was getting warmer. But my thoughts have been so consumed and occupied with you and my thesis that i don't think it actually *registered* that it was spring....

i am honestly quite shocked that i didn't realise. somewhere in the back of my mind i wondered why i stopped wearing the warmer jumpers and turtlenecks - now i know. i have to seriously rejack my brain and drag out the spring wardrobe. sheeeesh.... i am quite shaken!

this means that things will look better soon, yes? *thinks some more* oh dear.... it was spring before i even started this blog.... sheeesh... when did i stop paying attention to the seasons??? i've spent so long waiting for spring to come... waiting for the transformation of seasons and girlishly hoping that it might also herald a new beginning for me, and a new means/avenue/excuse for me to truly get over you.

Guess i've just been so busy wallowing and being introspective that i forgot to see the spring forest for the winter trees....

wake up little butterfly.. time to fly out there and feel the sunshine...

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 1:37 am 0 comments

Musing Butterfly

it's been just about a month since everything blew up in my face. i was going through my phone today and came across a message that i sent on the day everything was effectively 'sorted out'. *sigh* one week after that i deleted him off my phone and chat programs, and proceeded to set up my little blog. *hugs new best friend* Since then it's been about two weeks... and in 5 days, it will officially be a month. *sigh*

let's see if i've achieved anything:

• Written up draft of chapter 1
• Written up draft of chapter 3
• In the process of writing up draft of chapter 2 (and it's not going well)
• Written around double the word count of my thesis for this blog (which goes to prove that the word count CAN be done.. if only i'd motivate myself. ha! *goes off to rifle in the fridge for more icecream and junk food to keep me occupied and away from the thesis*
• Probably lost another few kgs of weight. junk food and peach tea can only take you so far...
• Hair's grown a little longer - enough to tie up into a decent pony tail
• Cried sufficient amount of tears to reverse the drought warnings
• Longest amount of time since i've had any contact with him at all = 12 days. not quite two weeks.. but my god it felt like forever...
• Deleted him off my chat programs and mobile
• Become a little (lot?) more accepting of the way things are
• Still believes that the world revolves around ME ME ME...
• Been told by a friend that i've been the closest thing to his 'fantasy girl' (no, not *that* way... more as in the girl you want as a gf..) which has helped boost my ego and gotten me out of the depression funk - if only because i have a 'fall back' of sorts for my emotional well-being - despite the fact that he's halfway across the world. *looks back at last sentence* ...i sound like an emotional/relationship leech, if not just a teensy weensy bit desperate. *sigh*)
• Found out that my ex would still love me to come back (reassuring to know that after 2 years i wasn't that easy to get over, but given everything, i don't think i can go back, and in many ways, while emotionally stablising and reassuring, paradoxically, i find myself resentful because i want to revel in the feeling that no one wants me, and i choose to be alone, independent, and internally and intensely bitter and angry. go figure.
  

..so are they things that i should be proud of?

y'know though, he's (guy that i've been moping after for so long) noticed that i no longer want to talk to him. i wonder if he even acknowledges or cares. i watch all these other breakups where the protagonists move on with their lives and they don't even give a damn - or at least never express to me their misery, sorry and angst. does this make me an obsessive compulsive girl who has nothing better to do? does this make me so pathetic and sad that i really should just go out more?

what is it about me that i can't seem to get over a guy who has obviously treated me badly, doesn't want me in their lives as a gf, and yet i keep on harbouring hopes or at the very least wasting my precious writing time thinking about him? what is it in me that makes me want to hold on? even though i know its futile. somewhere in the back of my mind i know that we're not going to work out. i know. and i think that even if he came back to me, i may well still refuse. but for whatever reason, i can't 'move on' move on y'know? like... i can go about my own life, but i can't help but think back sometimes. maybe i epitomise that cliche about 'its the past that makes us who we are?' or would that just be my vain egotistical side showing?

i watch people get chucked to the wayside pick themselves up, brush themselves off and move on without nary a glance back. whereas i'll sit down for a little while, bawl my eyes out, watch everyone from my vantage point on the side of the road, before getting up and walking. but every once in a while as i walk, i'll look back to that spot, or i'll make a few pilgrimages to the spot where i fell. little trips back to remember what it felt like. silly isn't it? or will doing this keep me humble? no, i don't think it's got anything to do with humility. maybe i just want to revel in misery and always feel justified for that bitter and angry side that i keep hidden? maybe it's my vanity. maybe i have a streak in me that chooses to blame people for their mistakes so i don't have to look or admit that i have my own? that i was just as responsible for things going wrong as they were?

i think i am justified in a way for my anger at him. i do believe that he did wrong by me. but am i really allowed to say that? i mean.. you can't force someone to want to stay with you. that wouldn't be fair. and just because i'm heartbroken doesn't give me the credos to yell and scream and wreak havoc on him and all his wordly possessions. right? everyone gets heartbroken whether we like it or not, and it's a fact. so is he really to blame for breaking my heart? i knew somewhere in the back of my mind that things would/might one day turn out like this. i knew that he had the upper hand. but i went in anyway. so for that moment alone, doesn't that mean anything? doesn't that cancel out this anger that i harbour towards him? i mean, am i really allowed/justified to be angry at him? not so much on the 'what does anger achieve' side of things, but more, 'does it really matter'? and it's not like he didn't have his reasons. and maybe somewhere he's dying inside (i hope so). and if that's the case, then am i just being childish by placing the blame at his feet, and pointing the accusatory finger?

and sometimes the feelings i have, aren't even anger at all! it's just that sense of defeat. there's a line that i have. it might be a tolerancy threshold. who knows. i'd like to think that it's a little more tolerant than most. but even i have my limits. and when i cross it, i might not care. but when i actually take stock and realise what i've done, i end up berating myself for crossing it. because sometimes the rewards don't reflect the effort. and because my threshold is already so much further than most, not only do i have to deal with the fact that most people wouldn't have gone as far as i went, but also that under NO circumstances would they have gone even further. and then i hate myself for having gone so far. and my feelings of self-worth just die...

i remember reading once that breakups are usually based around a person's emotional dependency. that most break ups result from either one person or the other being too dependent. in this case, that person would be me. at the same time... it might just be timing. but even if it was timing - do you honestly think that i could go back? i don't know. you'd have to do a lot of work. and i mean A LOT of work. and as one of my friends pointed out to me last night... he's gutless. and he is. even she commented that he should've come up to me to talk and see if i was ok. who cares that i asked for space?? if you *truly* wanted to be my friend, you wouldn't be so chicken to check up on me via sms.

COWARD.

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 8:32 pm 0 comments

Astrological Butterfly

I've been thinking - will there ever be a day when i can accept you? even as a friend? will there come a day when we can hold a civil conversation? because right now, i can't. i think that all i want is you. and i can't handle you not wanting me (hence the ignoring you on thursday).

i'm supposed to be the modern girl, the one who doesn't give a damn. the girl who stands up for herself and is independent and strong. the girl who knows what she wants and won't take guys who have issues.

..so where am i? when all i want is you???

can i truly live with the thought that we will never be in each other's lives anymore???

It's interesting and sad when you end up resorting to star signs to figure out if your relationship has any potential. I ended up comparing your birthdate with mine, and came across this:


"The Private Eye"

The focus of this relationship is likely to be a privacy that goes beyond ordinary bounds, even tending to the reclusive. Sagittarius-Capricorns are likely to allow Taurus-Geminis to see a bit of the darker side of their personalities, one that they show to few others in their lives. Natural detectives, Taurus-Geminis will be intrigued to investigate further, but the relationship is likely to require them to forsake certain outgoing aspects of their nature so as to be alone in an intimate or domestic setting with the more introverted Satgittarius-Capricorn.

Astrologically, Taurus-Gemini is an earth-air combination and Sagittarius-Capricorn fire-earth. The missing element is precisely the one that governs the relationship ; water, symbolizing feeling.

Love and marriage between these two are tender, personal and emotional in nature. The emphasis here is on giving, and although both partners can gain much from each other, it is the Sagittarius-Capricorn who is likely to rise in stature in the eyes of the Taurus -Gemini, and through their relationship, much like the statue in George Bernard Shaw's Pygmalion and like Eliza Doolittle in My Fair Lady. Unfortunately when the statue becomes real and comes down off its pedestal, the sculptor gets left in the lurch when his beautiful creation walks out the door. Attachments and subsequent breakups here can be extremely painful.

Friendships in this combination also have the capacity to be deep. Mutual friends often become involved in love triangles or quartets with this duo, and may eventually supplant one of the primary partners. Jealousies, claiming attitudes and competitive urges may easily arise and grow to unhealthy proportions.

Advice: Beware of undue attachmet. Don't turn your back on the world. Keep in touch. Danger lies in triangles. Remember who you are. Observe Limits.

*sigh* ...doesn't really help my situation, does it?

..so maybe i should be taking a leaf out of that book and not neglect you? but i think perhaps, it's not up to me? maybe it has to be you who makes the move? after all, i made all the other moves. you have to genuinely want me in your life and work for it. but i don't think you will. and that's what makes it so depressing. i can see us at graduation, and me putting up that front that says 'back off' and you respecting my decision.

...and that's so sad. especially when you consider how good we can be - even as friends. but for the sake of my own dignity - i don't think i can. i don't think i can walk out on that limb alone anymore.

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 1:33 pm 0 comments

Lonely Butterfly

I think i have been writing too much. (thesis writing). all i feel right now is that i have no life. i no longer have someone who i can ring up on a whim to talk to. no more long late night calls... no more someone to spend time with. no more someone to brighten up my day, and in some sad form, as much as i hate to say it, validate my existence.

*shakes head*

maybe i just need to go out more. i know, cliche of the century - or two. it's just, i look at my life... once this thesis is over in october/november, what happens then? i go to work. day in, day out. and that's it. and in between all that, all i have for 'kicks' or 'entertainment' you know, the 'little things in life' might well be god forbid, just this blog. *gulp* what a horrible thought.

all my friends have their own lives.

..and i have no one.

on one hand i guess i could argue that i have to find out who i am, and what that means... and enjoy myself etc etc. but at the same time, that thrill of having someone who is actually interested in you, in your day, and what life means to you, that thrill isn't there. it's gone.

..and then i suddenly feel so lonely.

To have no one...

*sigh*

i've been thinking today about you... and your choices in life, and what you think of our situation. i think that my actions last thursday probably reinforced to you that you can't have me ever, and that you've stuffed up. i'll admit that i don't know you well enough to know that if given the chance you would ever come after me. but to be honest... 1. i don't think you will, and 2. as i keep on being reminded by people, do i really want you? like, honestly, the type of person that you represent through the actions that you've done... do i really want you? or is it just because you won't let me have you? and because things had only just begun?

i'm too tired to think about this more in depth. the sleepy headache is pounding again.

*sigh*

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 1:06 am 2 comments

Disgusted Butterfly

Where are the people?!? I don't care that it's a Saturday night. I'm sick of writing and my head's pounding with a lack-of-sleep headache, and i'm BORED. where are all the people?!?!?!

so lonely.... so lonely....

..is this where i go and email him or ring/sms him for kicks?

*laughs at self*

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 1:31 am 0 comments

Contemplative Butterfly

dreams, dreams, dreams.
remember that dream i had the other day that i was staying at your house, and i ended up slapping you? well i dreamt that scenario again. not the slapping scene, but more like a different scene in the same movie. this time we were in the car going to church. (don't ask me why). your dad was driving. anyway, we're both in the back seat and at one stage you turn to me and talk to me about your thesis, and tell me that you believe that we can be together after the thesis is over. you even went so far as to try and put your arm around my shoulder. i got so upset and annoyed at you that i ended up asking your dad to pull over, so i could walk the remaining five minutes to the church on my own. that same feeling came up though when you started talking to me about us, the welling of disappointment and not so much disgust, but... the feeling that i could dismiss you out of hand without much qualm. the 'yeh, whatever, you are so selfish and not worth my time' feeling.

*shrug*

maybe i am getting over you.

i got procrastinating and bored last night and *finally* found your website. lol. i've been trying to find it for the last month and a half. google searches don't work - although i did find an old section of one of them. the irony last night though was i was going through my own website to upload banner pictures to use my blog (notice the new banner?) and i thought, what if i just put your email nickname after the site for fun? you never know.. and bingo! i got your site =P yeh.. i spent 1 1/2 months struggling to find your site when all along, it was that simple, staring me in the face. the irony becomes even thicker when i look at the website that i found via google that time long ago, and discovered the same domain. you would've thought that i would've simply tried the root directory at the time also. i may well have. maybe the domain decided to play tricks on me and it was down at the time. but from memory i don't think it actually worked when i tried it.

*shrug*

who knows.... funny things come to mind at funny times.

well i gave up trying to write my chapter 3 last night. went to bed this morning at 4. i have to finish it today because chapter 2 is weighing on my conscience, not to mention chapter 4 and the deadline in two weeks. *gulp* HELP!

you know though, when i really think about it, i think that you are trying the best that you can to keep us ok. I think that you've realised that you've done wrong, and that there is nothing you can do to fix it, short of returning to me. but you also know that you aren't capable of it right now. your thesis and your own inner issues prevents you from doing that. so the best you can do is plod on and hope that we can be friends. unfortunately for you, i don't think that i can deal with you at all. i appreciate on some level what you are trying to do, and i appreciate that you seemingly appear to respect my wishes and you don't try and force me to talk to you. you appear to accept quite calmly that i do not want to talk to you. you probably figure it's because i've been treated badly by you. i think personally i can't speak to you because if i do, all i will do is harp. so there really is nothing that i can talk to you about.

i can't return to the friends relationship we used to have because that would mean that everything that happened in between amounts to zilch. i can't talk to you about our status and our relationship because we've already talked it to depth and you get irritated. and i'm not about to get reprimanded any more than i already have. on top of that, i'm trying to salvage the remaining tatters of my dignity. i lay my little heart out on my sleeve for you, and you basically took advantage of it. In order to remind myself that i am a valuable person, and not so 'easy' the best i can do is tell myself that you don't care about me. not the way that i want you to care. if it means i have to bend the truth a little and imply to myself that perhaps all of this was simple lust getting in the way as opposed to love, then so be it, i'll do it. because that will give me the will to see the day through. if i walked around constantly reminding myself that you do love me, but you can't be with me because of your inner selfish needs, then i will tear myself apart. i wouldn't be able to stand in front of you and put on a stoic frontier, make fairly decent conversation while appreciating and laughing at other people's jokes. i just couldn't do it. if i imagine in some small form that you are unworthy of my time, then i can live through the days. because to be honest, i don't feel that you are giving me my worth.

i tried everything i could to keep you, and you in your own way did the same. at the end of the day our situations do not allow us to be together. ok, so be it. at the same time.. i don't think i could be friends with you. there has been too much in between that has occured. on top of that in my mind, there's no point in being friends with you. because i know that the longer i spend around you, the more i will wish that we were more than friends. and as you have made abundantly clear, we cannot be. if we cannot be, then i prefer that you stay away and stop rubbing salt in my wounds.

it is easier to just walk away.

i wonder though if you treated thursday night as closure of some sorts also? realising that i truly did not want to talk to you. noting all the times that i ignored your comments and pretended not to hear you. you can call me petty all you want. i don't care. i just personally think that in the big scheme of things it is easier to ignore you than it is to acknowledge you. i recognise that you still acknowledge me. you listened to me talk and you laughed at my comments. but i just don't want to talk to you... there is no point talking to you. you seem so ready to move on and be friends. and i can't do it. i don't think that i can ever truly do it. i think that i've lost enough trust and faith in you that i have become very wary of you. and sometimes the best course of action is steer clear. why bother going after something like this? maybe when you think about it one night you will realise that you lost both the girl *and* the friendship over your actions. i don't know if you think that you could've done better. i personally think you could have. but i hope you recognise that the way things are right now, were all because of you.

i have only been the 'reactor' to all that has happened. the only time i took things in my own hands was when i first kissed you after i broke up with my bf. and that was only to illustrate to you that if you were still interested, that things were 'ok' now. maybe this will teach me to reconsider the next time i think about being forward. maybe it will teach me to be less impatient and more willing to hide behind those veils that most girls hide behind. you know, the 'look but can't touch' routine, where they deliberately play hard to get just so you'll appreciate them. if that's the sad reality of life, then it looks like i'm doomed to attract guys who i'm not really interested in. because the only reason why i would play hard to get would be because i wasn't interested. not that i'd specifically throw myself at all guys that i am interested in. but at the very least, if you gain my trust, i think that i am easy enough to get along with.

I was talking to my ex a long time ago when we were still going out, about how the guy that i'm interested in now, was making half-attempted moves on me. and my ex had asked me what i wanted. if i wanted him or i wanted the other guy. and i remember the first answer that came to my mind was, i didn't want either of them. so maybe this is something that i've unconciously orchestrated? maybe all i really wanted was to be my own free person again? who knows... was it really necessary for me to shed so much heartache to get it though? call me selfish, but i really can't deal with my ex's mother-apron approach to life. he's so clingy... 'i'm in despair, help me! help me!' i'll help you, but there is a line between me helping you and you helping yourself. i have so much on my plate right now. i don't need you back on the wagon...

i just sit sometimes and wonder whether or not i'm truly a good person, y'know? i don't think i am sometimes when i look at the minefield that has become my love life.

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 6:50 pm 0 comments

Disappointed Butterfly

I got another email from him.

It was written with a prompting from an email that i sent him three weeks ago before I deleted him off my chat programs and my mobile. I know this because he has 2 email accounts. and at the time i had written to him i had accidently sent it to hotmail instead of yahoo. if he had written out of genuine desire to email me, he would've used yahoo. the fact that when i had written my original email i had told him to email me sometime, gives him pure reason to reply back. i had written that email in a euphoric state after finishing the first draft of my Chapter One at 4am in the morning. I was still hopeful that we would be friends at the time, so obviously the tone was friendly, etc.

So yeh.. looks like he finally got around to checking that email address. i doubt very much he would've checked it before hand. Come on... three weeks with no word from me, and then out of the blue email me? and from *that* email address no less? get real...

so basically even though i got the email i had wanted from him, i'm very disappointed.

"Just wanted to let you know that i looked over your thesis stuff yesterday. It's good. Makes me look extremely poor.
Just thought i'd let you know.
Hope the thesis goes well... best of luck with it"

that's it. three basic lines. after all that. there wasn't even a 'hi' at the beginning. and the subject was 'none' not that you expect there to be one, but still.. i guess in a way it was a nice surprise to see your email.. but after i got to reading it... talk about disappointment. so ... clinical and cold. i don't care if you are depressed over your own thesis. you deserve everything you get buddy.

least your email confirms i was right, and you had stolen the thesis to take a look at. =P

although, personally, i hope i make you look extremely poor in general.

if your email was a way to test the waters, talk about testing the waters. i would've thought after last night, the least you could do would be to email me, and go, 'it was nice to see you last night' or, 'i haven't seen you online for a while. guess you're pretty busy with uni work huh? i managed to sneak a peek at your thesis yesterday in class... hope you don't mind' etc etc... but did you do that?? NO...

i just...

a friend of mine told me today that the reason why i bawled my eyes out in the carpark last night was probably due to the stress of everything, and that in some ways, it was closure of sorts. i guess so. if i can tune you out like i tune out music when i'm listening on my headphones while i write, then i guess you're not really that important to me after all. despite the fact that my tummy was in knots while my inbox took FOREVER to load...

i'm just so disappointed in you. I was talking to another friend tonight who pointed out that the email you wrote to me earlier in the week about the lift to dinner implied that you really thought that things were ok between us. maybe you sound a little more sober and cold tonight. i mean, honestly.. "BEST OF LUCK WITH IT" ????? that's the BEST you can come out with??? you make it sound like a bloody business letter....

i am SO LIKE, NO ONE to you!!! WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE EMAILING??? why the hell did you bother emailing me in the first place???? huH? HUH???

..we never were anything, were we? *sigh* it was all in my head.

sometimes i wonder if there is even a right way to go about dealing with me. on one hand i criticise you for pretending that everything is ok, and wanting to be friends with me. on the other, i get angry when you do that, because that means that you don't want more to do with me. and that we are, just in fact friends. i guess in some ways i'm still harbouring some hope that you will want me back. if only for the sake of my vanity i'm really hoping in some form, i guess.

i just would've thought that if you were *trulY* interested in being my friend, and this is like, best friends, or even close friends, you would make a point of making sure i was truly ok, and not just ok for the sake of your conscience. you would've emailed me earlier, and asked how i was because you hadn't seen me online lately. and even if you knew that i had a thesis and was busy, you'd still bother to send a 'check up' email. and yesterday, you would've made a point of finding some personal time with me to talk to me and see that we were ok. and even if that didn't work out, at the very least you would've emailed me today to say hi, and 'it was nice to see you again' or *something*. BUT no... you are too cowardly. instead, you choose the acquaintence friendship dynamic with a touch of spice. that's all this thing between us is to you. you care about me, because how i act links directly to your conscience since you know that you're the one that is responsible for hurting me. you only love me (if we can in fact argue this) because i saw something in you that made you feel wanted and special. because every other girl you ever asked turned you down. and in some form/manner/way I kind've made the first move. I was so blindly in love with you that I would've done anything for you. all you had to do was ask.

I guess that old adage of always wanting what you can't have is true. and when you act easy in any form, they take advantage of you and treat you like nothing. which basically means that i can no longer expect to simply and honestly love someone, because i will be taken advantage of. *sigh*

although i swore a week ago that i would never go out with another person again, i have been dabbling with the idea. maybe i just like to wallow in self-guilt, misery and tragic circumstances. who knows. but i can understand how some people are like serial relationship stalkers. always out looking for a guy to go after. i understand the thrill now. and some go after it, guy after guy, just hoping to find that one special guy. i personally don't know what i'm looking out for now. i think somewhere in the back of my mind i've always secretely harboured the hope that i would have someone to look after and take care of me. and that despite my protestations that i was independent and didn't need anyone, they would do it any way. maybe i'm in one of those funks now. who knows... i'm just worried that i look for guys for all the wrong reasons. even my friend who has recently professed interest... i worry that i harbour something only because he is 'here' for me now... and will listen to me. i know there are things that i'm not 100% about him. and sometimes conversations between us... i frankly couldn't care less what he harps on about. but as friends you tend to overlook all that. but to be honest, if i had to spend constant time with him? unfortunately for me, what he talks about constantly are his passions. and i love to talk.. so... yeh....

the thing with the one that i was after... at the very least there was nothing that truly stood in the way. i liked everything about him. the only thing that i was a little disappointed about was how cowardly and selfish he would seem sometimes. but all our conversations were great, and our perspectives on most things were good. maybe it was just that he was willing to joke with me about everything. who knows... and he had that air of stability and responsibility about him that my ex never had. my ex has his head up in the clouds. it's so frustrating. you watch him throw away work hours and 'priority time' with me, for work when all they do is take advantage of him...

anyway... it's midnight here, and i *still* haven't gotten around to writing up my thesis. *gulp* i need a working draft. yes i do. something meaty and chewable. something to make HIS thesis look so poor that it won't even have enough calibre to make recycled toilet paper. take THAT.... *mutters* dump ME, for your thesis.. yeh, whatever. 'i need to focus on my thesis' 'i can't give you the attention you need and deserve' 'i will neglect you' 'i know that my thesis will take over and i'll be in thesis mode' excuses, excuses.. thesis mode huh? you have barely written your introduction buddy. you're still researching with 3 1/2 weeks to go. get over yourself.

mind you, i'm sure you will get it done, and i'm sure you'll get something passable... but not with my support. you don't deserve my support.

blog, just remind me of this post the next time i have contact with him, and make sure that i don't fold. i'm proud of myself in some ways y'know.. i was surprised how controlled i was yesterday. and how i didn't fall apart around him, and how much easier it was to ignore him this time around. but the stress of having him sit practically across from me last night was nearly too much. we were basically in each other's presence for eleven hours give or take. that's nearly half a full day. class started at 10, and he didn't leave until 8.30, 9. but i'm proud of myself that i can dismiss him more now.. i truly am.

man i'm sleepy... thesis to write.. thesis to write...

ugh...

at least i can work on mine with some semblance of decency while still dealing with you and all that entails. can you imagine if you weren't in my life at all? first class would so be in my grasp. anyway...

quit procrastinating little butterfly.... time to start writing.

*sigh*

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 11:34 pm 0 comments