Fickle Butterfly
I do believe i've run the gamut of emotions today. I went to bed last night/this morning at 6am. I have never worked the entire night until the sun rose. well, technically i didn't 'work' work... i blog-surfed for an inordinate amount of time first. chatted online to my overseas friend, before eventually working solidly around 2? 3? hours. but i had to go into uni today. i ended up sleeping for 4-5 hours, before driving for an hour into uni. had an ok meeting with my supervisor, before proceeding to 'work' in the library. more like, mucking around with corel photo paint and a whole bunch of digital images (new banner anyone?), followed by maybe half an hour of 'solid' work before the library reminded me that they close at 6 on friday nights. *sigh* just when i was settling into it too... and tomorrow i won't have the car... =( and this chapter needs to be *done*! you'd think that would mean that i'd actually work tonight, but again, i've spent it downloading and blog-surfing.I had been told that Vertical Horizon had made a new albulm, but it didn't register in my head until tonight. Be ready for plentiful excerpts of Vertical Horizon lyrics here (right sidebar) -->
Incessant rambling aside, there has been a few dominant thoughts in my mind tonight. in particular a chat that i had with my overseas friend last night. this is the one who, last week, told me that when he was in the country earlier in the year, he was actually serious about being interested in me. obviously we can't be right now, since he is across the other side of the globe. but what made things so complicated for me last night when chatting to him online, was the sudden and irrational jealousy i felt when he told me that he was currently testing waters, and attempting to go after another girl.
now technically, i shouldn't feel jealous at all. after all, we never were anything. even when he was here, we didn't work out because i still had my bf at the time. so our attraction was something that we acknowledged but didn't do anything about.
so why be jealous? after all, he's entitled to go off and find some of his own happiness. and it's not like he'll find any in me, since i'm over here, and he's over there.
our chats basically amount to harmless flirting. except that in my messed up little world, knowing that he likes me, and knowing that he is interested, no matter the circumstances makes for strange, i guess, possessive reactions from me. which is really bizarre when you sit down and take a look at it. i mean, i know that he wouldn't hold it against me if i went out and got myself someone - hell that's what got me into this blogging mess in the first place... i jumped out of one relationship into another .. and somehow managed to get my heart broken twice in a row. some girls have all the luck, i swear.
but honestly.. why do i suddenly feel all... uneasy? betrayed would be too strong a word. online relationships in any sense shape or form are tenuous at best. unless of course there is history involved. so i mean... why get all upset?
perhaps in my mind if you tell me that you're interested in me, flirting takes on a different hue? i mean, if you say that you're interested in me, doesn't that mean that you don't go after other girls? i know he's a bit of a flirt anyway. but for whatever reason i do believe him when he tells me that he's interested. of course nothing can come about with us. as i said, distance is the biggest factor against this. and i know in the back of my mind that i shouldn't be upset. and i can't exactly wish mean thoughts on him - not really. he hasn't done anything wrong! and out of my troubled love life so far, he's one of the few who have indeed 'treated me right'.
so do i really care that much whether or not he's chasing after someone else? Does it really matter that supposedly he's sorta 'seeing me on the side'? or am i being too overly dramatic?
clingy clingy clingy.... *sigh*
if i really be rational about it all, i must acknowledge that everything is harmless... nothing can come of this. i mean, it's not like i'm going to be leaving the country any time soon, so it's not like any of this can be resolved in any means or form. although for whatever bizarre reason i am suddenly compelled to hop on a plane and claim him before he disappears for good. lol.
i mean, what if one day i manage to save enough money to go over there, and discover that he's gone and got himself a girlfriend, or gone ahead and got happily married? that sense of 'but we could have been!!' would be so frustrating.. Lost loves.. the guy that you can't have. that ever elusive 'perfect' relationship..
*sigh* i hate feeling regret at missed opportunities.
so why can't i just accept that we just flirt and leave it at that? why do i have to dig deeper for something that won't/can't work? y'know, it may simply be that the sad reality is that in order for me to keep my head afloat from the emotional waves of despair and loneliness that constantly threaten to overwhelm me, i automatically go and latch myself onto any guy who even shows the slightest or remotest sense of interest of me in any way. it also probably means that I've been spending too much time on my own. hopefully once i start working in november and going out a bit more, i will no longer be so affected by a guy's love life who is halfway across the other side of the globe.
i think i'm also scared about what this whole episode says about me. the conclusion that i came to last night before i drifted off to sleep, was that i basically was emotionally messed up. I'm really not cut out for relationships. You know, if i want to be all cynical about it, that whole Hollywood mythology of finding "the one" was probably concocted not only to enhance the emotional insecurities than we already have, but by creating that emptiness, or that desire to look beyond ourselves and dare to dream, most likely make us continually return to the silver screen for solace. I want a guy like *that* one. Where's my tom cruise? Where's my Ralph Fiennes? Where? where? where?
will i always need some semblance of a love interest to keep me sane and balanced? i mean, what is the point of online relationships anyway? they flirt with you and tell you things, and me being naieve me sometimes take their word. and then i get upset when i discover that they in fact have someone 'real' they're after... why waste all this time cultivating online relationships if you are really after someone else? that's not nice. do online relationships not count as part of 'reality'? is it all just fun and games?
or am i just looking for a 'greater being' to blame all my woes upon? is it just a personal 'me' thing? sometimes it seems like i am constantly on the lookout for someone better. why is it that i get my head turned so easily? what is it about my current situation that i dislike so much that i have to constantly look to greener pastures? if i do find someone, should i one day end up seeing the guy that i've been pining over so much lately, or the one overseas... will i get those twinges that says to me, 'what if..' and then start daydreaming? supposedly my relationship with whoever i would be with, would be strong enough to keep me. but i can't help but wonder. and i'm terrified at those thoughts. because as i'm sure this is true of a lot of people, unfaithfulness isn't exactly something i adhere to or a trait i particularly admire or aspire to attain.
So i have emotional issues. nah derr.. everyone has emotional issues. it's just that this friend of mine has been weighing on my mind as of late. especially after last night. the thrill of being able to talk to him and know that if we were geographically on the same plane (be that metaphorical or literal), things would have a chance of 'beginning' makes me happy. at the same time, i worry that i'm just falling back into the same rut that got me into the mess that i'm in right now. and in fact, i'm just looking for another lifejacket, instead of truly facing up to my flaws and learning to deal and love who i am. am i taking the easy way out? am i too cowardly to face my own inner demons? am i being lazy, and lapsing into indifference and bitterness? 'fine, you can choose not to have me as your gf, but i choose not to have you in my life'. and of course, all the shades in between...
i honestly am better today. i am. you no longer harbour my thoughts as much as you used to. currently i seem to be preoccupied with my friend overseas to think about you. *rueful smile*
fickle, fickle, fickle.
Maybe it's all just vanity. my little fragile ego has taken another pounding. 'but he said i was his 'fantasy girl'!! so what is he doing chasing after another girl??' because... fantasy isn't reality.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 1:55 am
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