Fluttering Butterfly
I can't sleep. it's 10pm here, and i had a migraine and an earache earlier, so i decided to go to bed early. as i was drifting off i received a sms from him. yes, Him....he msged to say 'hope the thesis is going well..' Can you believe it?!? he msged me!!! not email, not a call... SMS!!! i swear that guy is a sms junkie. too afraid to call, can't be bothered to email.. he sms's me! not only waking me up, but also effectively stopping me from getting the good night's rest i need. that was at 7.30 pm.
I drifted off to sleep and suddenly drifted back to consciousness at 10.17. i've been drifting, thinking about my essay, because i fudged it when i sent it to my supervisor earlier...
but tha'ts bedside the point. i've sorta realised that maybe he WASN'T suffering, and that he had immediately gone into work mode. i was the one who wasted all my time suffering... angsting, putting myself through all this hell, while meanwhile he's just been happily/merrily going along writing up his GOD DAMN THESIS.
i am so angry. and.. defeated. ...and weirdly, excited. that he contacted me. i am scared, well not scared, worried? concerned. i am concerned that he will break my resolve. i am concerned that i find myself feeling not so much anger at him as acceptance to be reminded that he wants me in his life. i am strangely gratified. he's going about trying to get me back in his life, and i feel a strange sense of hope that he wants me after all. the reason why i used to get so angry was because he had never shown anything to indicate that he did in fact want me, despite what he said. and so in my anger and stubborness told myself, 'just think that he hates me, or doesn't want me' and you can harbour some anger at him. but all that conscious effort seems to have dissolved of its own free will - over a sms. and it's not even a GOOD sms.
..has all my work this past month been in vain?!?! is an sms all it takes to unravel me? after all that anger??? after all that frustration? after all that depression?? i hate him, i hate him i hate him... yet, omg he smsed me! he took the time out to remind me that he's alive.
y'know, guys all SUCK. yes you all suck. you don't really know what you want, and you put us girls through the mill. if i find out later that he was just trying to be nice or whatever, i will sock him one, i swear. and i so hope that i get the opportunity to. why the hell did he sms me?!?!?! why the hell couldn't he just stay away and leave me to my misery? all he's doing is putting me through pain. i'm tempted to msg him back and go, 'please stay away'. he's not helping my situation. i was so focused on my thesis. i mean, despite it all. i was just sort've revelling in the ability to be able to be angry at him. i really was. i was glad that i could go, NER NER NERRRRRR. STUFF YOU. NER NER NERRRRR~~~ i know. how childish. but it made me feel better.i admit that i loved being miserable. i loved being the scorned one, and i loved that feeling of losing my self worth. sick and tragic as it may sound. i was maybe revelling in being able to transfer all my reserved emotional anger at him. i finally had a decent target that i could throw it at.
but no, he's one of those worthless gits that straddles both the 'jerk' and the 'nice guy' at the same time. does he even know what he's doing??? i believe that it is his belief that he's a nice guy. and i know that he can be one. but at the same time, he doesn't realise what he's put me through. and i'm worried that if he ever decides that he wants me in his life, that i will cave.
i HATE being the nice girl. i hate it. why do people always take advantage of me ??? i just want to be respected. i just want someone to appreciate me, and treat me right. and all he has to do is basically click his fingers (send one sms) and i'm gone.
THAT IS SO HORRIBLE AND WRONG.
i spent all this time trying to build myself back up. trying to remind myself that i can be my own person. and i'm so worried now that all my work.. all my hard work, will just go down the drain.
whoever it was that reminded me that i was wasting my time thinking about him was right. i should've listened to their advice. who the hell was i to think that i could just stay in my comfortable angsty spot and just beat myself to death?? it's so obvious seeing that sms that he hasn't.
the rational part of my mind wants to sit down with him and talk to him. and tell him what he's just done, and i want to know what exactly it is he wants. and i'm thinking, if he asks for me back, because he's serious about it... i may take him up on his offer.
i think that i think too much. maybe all he wanted was to see how i was. concern AS A FRIEND. remember that post??? Friend Love, not Love love...
MAN.. i hate nice guys...
if they're going to treat you so bad, then just BE the bad guy. none of this in between crap. all you do is confuse me. and twist me around, and give me hell. I CAN'T AFFORD THIS NOW! not when this thesis is due in 14 days.
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD...
it might even be he's at that stage i was the other night. where i finished a chapter (or in his case, most likely the thesis) and can afford to let go, and his mind automatically comes to me. and he caves in. but unlike me, he gets around to actually msging me. i stopped myself from msging him.
why can't he just be the jerk that he so is??? why does he have to pretend to be all nice and considerate?!?!? i am so angry that he can do that to me, and that i just seem to cave in. i can't even get my 'healthy' rest now...
i am so angry! i am so hurt! i am so.. so... i don't know what i am. i'm just confused. My mind's alll over the place. and i'm hoping after i type it all out, i can work my thesis a bit before going to sleep.
i finished chapter 4 today btw. yaay! now it's just fixing up the entire thing. i'm hoping my supervisor will see me tomorrow. i have to wake up early to check. (the other reason why i took an early night). but of course, me being pea brained me can't even get a decent night's sleep under my belt, despite going to bed at 3, 4, 5 am every morning.
damn you.
all guys SUCK. right now i wish that i'd also someone barred your phone calls. it would've made things a lot easier. a LOT easier. i bet the guy that's overseas who i sometimes ask for advice managed to get his girl. i haven't seen him online lately, and i want his advice. i really should give all these guys names. makes for easier blogging, since i can't put their names up here, or where they're from. well i could.. but i'm tempted to link my blog to my msn profile. i did it last night, and then chickened out after i tried out the link.
*sigh*
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 10:30 pm
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