Contemplative Butterfly
dreams, dreams, dreams.remember that dream i had the other day that i was staying at your house, and i ended up slapping you? well i dreamt that scenario again. not the slapping scene, but more like a different scene in the same movie. this time we were in the car going to church. (don't ask me why). your dad was driving. anyway, we're both in the back seat and at one stage you turn to me and talk to me about your thesis, and tell me that you believe that we can be together after the thesis is over. you even went so far as to try and put your arm around my shoulder. i got so upset and annoyed at you that i ended up asking your dad to pull over, so i could walk the remaining five minutes to the church on my own. that same feeling came up though when you started talking to me about us, the welling of disappointment and not so much disgust, but... the feeling that i could dismiss you out of hand without much qualm. the 'yeh, whatever, you are so selfish and not worth my time' feeling.
*shrug*
maybe i am getting over you.
i got procrastinating and bored last night and *finally* found your website. lol. i've been trying to find it for the last month and a half. google searches don't work - although i did find an old section of one of them. the irony last night though was i was going through my own website to upload banner pictures to use my blog (notice the new banner?) and i thought, what if i just put your email nickname after the site for fun? you never know.. and bingo! i got your site =P yeh.. i spent 1 1/2 months struggling to find your site when all along, it was that simple, staring me in the face. the irony becomes even thicker when i look at the website that i found via google that time long ago, and discovered the same domain. you would've thought that i would've simply tried the root directory at the time also. i may well have. maybe the domain decided to play tricks on me and it was down at the time. but from memory i don't think it actually worked when i tried it.
*shrug*
who knows.... funny things come to mind at funny times.
well i gave up trying to write my chapter 3 last night. went to bed this morning at 4. i have to finish it today because chapter 2 is weighing on my conscience, not to mention chapter 4 and the deadline in two weeks. *gulp* HELP!
you know though, when i really think about it, i think that you are trying the best that you can to keep us ok. I think that you've realised that you've done wrong, and that there is nothing you can do to fix it, short of returning to me. but you also know that you aren't capable of it right now. your thesis and your own inner issues prevents you from doing that. so the best you can do is plod on and hope that we can be friends. unfortunately for you, i don't think that i can deal with you at all. i appreciate on some level what you are trying to do, and i appreciate that you seemingly appear to respect my wishes and you don't try and force me to talk to you. you appear to accept quite calmly that i do not want to talk to you. you probably figure it's because i've been treated badly by you. i think personally i can't speak to you because if i do, all i will do is harp. so there really is nothing that i can talk to you about.
i can't return to the friends relationship we used to have because that would mean that everything that happened in between amounts to zilch. i can't talk to you about our status and our relationship because we've already talked it to depth and you get irritated. and i'm not about to get reprimanded any more than i already have. on top of that, i'm trying to salvage the remaining tatters of my dignity. i lay my little heart out on my sleeve for you, and you basically took advantage of it. In order to remind myself that i am a valuable person, and not so 'easy' the best i can do is tell myself that you don't care about me. not the way that i want you to care. if it means i have to bend the truth a little and imply to myself that perhaps all of this was simple lust getting in the way as opposed to love, then so be it, i'll do it. because that will give me the will to see the day through. if i walked around constantly reminding myself that you do love me, but you can't be with me because of your inner selfish needs, then i will tear myself apart. i wouldn't be able to stand in front of you and put on a stoic frontier, make fairly decent conversation while appreciating and laughing at other people's jokes. i just couldn't do it. if i imagine in some small form that you are unworthy of my time, then i can live through the days. because to be honest, i don't feel that you are giving me my worth.
i tried everything i could to keep you, and you in your own way did the same. at the end of the day our situations do not allow us to be together. ok, so be it. at the same time.. i don't think i could be friends with you. there has been too much in between that has occured. on top of that in my mind, there's no point in being friends with you. because i know that the longer i spend around you, the more i will wish that we were more than friends. and as you have made abundantly clear, we cannot be. if we cannot be, then i prefer that you stay away and stop rubbing salt in my wounds.
it is easier to just walk away.
i wonder though if you treated thursday night as closure of some sorts also? realising that i truly did not want to talk to you. noting all the times that i ignored your comments and pretended not to hear you. you can call me petty all you want. i don't care. i just personally think that in the big scheme of things it is easier to ignore you than it is to acknowledge you. i recognise that you still acknowledge me. you listened to me talk and you laughed at my comments. but i just don't want to talk to you... there is no point talking to you. you seem so ready to move on and be friends. and i can't do it. i don't think that i can ever truly do it. i think that i've lost enough trust and faith in you that i have become very wary of you. and sometimes the best course of action is steer clear. why bother going after something like this? maybe when you think about it one night you will realise that you lost both the girl *and* the friendship over your actions. i don't know if you think that you could've done better. i personally think you could have. but i hope you recognise that the way things are right now, were all because of you.
i have only been the 'reactor' to all that has happened. the only time i took things in my own hands was when i first kissed you after i broke up with my bf. and that was only to illustrate to you that if you were still interested, that things were 'ok' now. maybe this will teach me to reconsider the next time i think about being forward. maybe it will teach me to be less impatient and more willing to hide behind those veils that most girls hide behind. you know, the 'look but can't touch' routine, where they deliberately play hard to get just so you'll appreciate them. if that's the sad reality of life, then it looks like i'm doomed to attract guys who i'm not really interested in. because the only reason why i would play hard to get would be because i wasn't interested. not that i'd specifically throw myself at all guys that i am interested in. but at the very least, if you gain my trust, i think that i am easy enough to get along with.
I was talking to my ex a long time ago when we were still going out, about how the guy that i'm interested in now, was making half-attempted moves on me. and my ex had asked me what i wanted. if i wanted him or i wanted the other guy. and i remember the first answer that came to my mind was, i didn't want either of them. so maybe this is something that i've unconciously orchestrated? maybe all i really wanted was to be my own free person again? who knows... was it really necessary for me to shed so much heartache to get it though? call me selfish, but i really can't deal with my ex's mother-apron approach to life. he's so clingy... 'i'm in despair, help me! help me!' i'll help you, but there is a line between me helping you and you helping yourself. i have so much on my plate right now. i don't need you back on the wagon...
i just sit sometimes and wonder whether or not i'm truly a good person, y'know? i don't think i am sometimes when i look at the minefield that has become my love life.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 6:50 pm
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