Disappointed Butterfly
I got another email from him.It was written with a prompting from an email that i sent him three weeks ago before I deleted him off my chat programs and my mobile. I know this because he has 2 email accounts. and at the time i had written to him i had accidently sent it to hotmail instead of yahoo. if he had written out of genuine desire to email me, he would've used yahoo. the fact that when i had written my original email i had told him to email me sometime, gives him pure reason to reply back. i had written that email in a euphoric state after finishing the first draft of my Chapter One at 4am in the morning. I was still hopeful that we would be friends at the time, so obviously the tone was friendly, etc.
So yeh.. looks like he finally got around to checking that email address. i doubt very much he would've checked it before hand. Come on... three weeks with no word from me, and then out of the blue email me? and from *that* email address no less? get real...
so basically even though i got the email i had wanted from him, i'm very disappointed.
"Just wanted to let you know that i looked over your thesis stuff yesterday. It's good. Makes me look extremely poor.
Just thought i'd let you know.
Hope the thesis goes well... best of luck with it"
that's it. three basic lines. after all that. there wasn't even a 'hi' at the beginning. and the subject was 'none' not that you expect there to be one, but still.. i guess in a way it was a nice surprise to see your email.. but after i got to reading it... talk about disappointment. so ... clinical and cold. i don't care if you are depressed over your own thesis. you deserve everything you get buddy.
least your email confirms i was right, and you had stolen the thesis to take a look at. =P
although, personally, i hope i make you look extremely poor in general.
if your email was a way to test the waters, talk about testing the waters. i would've thought after last night, the least you could do would be to email me, and go, 'it was nice to see you last night' or, 'i haven't seen you online for a while. guess you're pretty busy with uni work huh? i managed to sneak a peek at your thesis yesterday in class... hope you don't mind' etc etc... but did you do that?? NO...
i just...
a friend of mine told me today that the reason why i bawled my eyes out in the carpark last night was probably due to the stress of everything, and that in some ways, it was closure of sorts. i guess so. if i can tune you out like i tune out music when i'm listening on my headphones while i write, then i guess you're not really that important to me after all. despite the fact that my tummy was in knots while my inbox took FOREVER to load...
i'm just so disappointed in you. I was talking to another friend tonight who pointed out that the email you wrote to me earlier in the week about the lift to dinner implied that you really thought that things were ok between us. maybe you sound a little more sober and cold tonight. i mean, honestly.. "BEST OF LUCK WITH IT" ????? that's the BEST you can come out with??? you make it sound like a bloody business letter....
i am SO LIKE, NO ONE to you!!! WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE EMAILING??? why the hell did you bother emailing me in the first place???? huH? HUH???
..we never were anything, were we? *sigh* it was all in my head.
sometimes i wonder if there is even a right way to go about dealing with me. on one hand i criticise you for pretending that everything is ok, and wanting to be friends with me. on the other, i get angry when you do that, because that means that you don't want more to do with me. and that we are, just in fact friends. i guess in some ways i'm still harbouring some hope that you will want me back. if only for the sake of my vanity i'm really hoping in some form, i guess.
i just would've thought that if you were *trulY* interested in being my friend, and this is like, best friends, or even close friends, you would make a point of making sure i was truly ok, and not just ok for the sake of your conscience. you would've emailed me earlier, and asked how i was because you hadn't seen me online lately. and even if you knew that i had a thesis and was busy, you'd still bother to send a 'check up' email. and yesterday, you would've made a point of finding some personal time with me to talk to me and see that we were ok. and even if that didn't work out, at the very least you would've emailed me today to say hi, and 'it was nice to see you again' or *something*. BUT no... you are too cowardly. instead, you choose the acquaintence friendship dynamic with a touch of spice. that's all this thing between us is to you. you care about me, because how i act links directly to your conscience since you know that you're the one that is responsible for hurting me. you only love me (if we can in fact argue this) because i saw something in you that made you feel wanted and special. because every other girl you ever asked turned you down. and in some form/manner/way I kind've made the first move. I was so blindly in love with you that I would've done anything for you. all you had to do was ask.
I guess that old adage of always wanting what you can't have is true. and when you act easy in any form, they take advantage of you and treat you like nothing. which basically means that i can no longer expect to simply and honestly love someone, because i will be taken advantage of. *sigh*
although i swore a week ago that i would never go out with another person again, i have been dabbling with the idea. maybe i just like to wallow in self-guilt, misery and tragic circumstances. who knows. but i can understand how some people are like serial relationship stalkers. always out looking for a guy to go after. i understand the thrill now. and some go after it, guy after guy, just hoping to find that one special guy. i personally don't know what i'm looking out for now. i think somewhere in the back of my mind i've always secretely harboured the hope that i would have someone to look after and take care of me. and that despite my protestations that i was independent and didn't need anyone, they would do it any way. maybe i'm in one of those funks now. who knows... i'm just worried that i look for guys for all the wrong reasons. even my friend who has recently professed interest... i worry that i harbour something only because he is 'here' for me now... and will listen to me. i know there are things that i'm not 100% about him. and sometimes conversations between us... i frankly couldn't care less what he harps on about. but as friends you tend to overlook all that. but to be honest, if i had to spend constant time with him? unfortunately for me, what he talks about constantly are his passions. and i love to talk.. so... yeh....
the thing with the one that i was after... at the very least there was nothing that truly stood in the way. i liked everything about him. the only thing that i was a little disappointed about was how cowardly and selfish he would seem sometimes. but all our conversations were great, and our perspectives on most things were good. maybe it was just that he was willing to joke with me about everything. who knows... and he had that air of stability and responsibility about him that my ex never had. my ex has his head up in the clouds. it's so frustrating. you watch him throw away work hours and 'priority time' with me, for work when all they do is take advantage of him...
anyway... it's midnight here, and i *still* haven't gotten around to writing up my thesis. *gulp* i need a working draft. yes i do. something meaty and chewable. something to make HIS thesis look so poor that it won't even have enough calibre to make recycled toilet paper. take THAT.... *mutters* dump ME, for your thesis.. yeh, whatever. 'i need to focus on my thesis' 'i can't give you the attention you need and deserve' 'i will neglect you' 'i know that my thesis will take over and i'll be in thesis mode' excuses, excuses.. thesis mode huh? you have barely written your introduction buddy. you're still researching with 3 1/2 weeks to go. get over yourself.
mind you, i'm sure you will get it done, and i'm sure you'll get something passable... but not with my support. you don't deserve my support.
blog, just remind me of this post the next time i have contact with him, and make sure that i don't fold. i'm proud of myself in some ways y'know.. i was surprised how controlled i was yesterday. and how i didn't fall apart around him, and how much easier it was to ignore him this time around. but the stress of having him sit practically across from me last night was nearly too much. we were basically in each other's presence for eleven hours give or take. that's nearly half a full day. class started at 10, and he didn't leave until 8.30, 9. but i'm proud of myself that i can dismiss him more now.. i truly am.
man i'm sleepy... thesis to write.. thesis to write...
ugh...
at least i can work on mine with some semblance of decency while still dealing with you and all that entails. can you imagine if you weren't in my life at all? first class would so be in my grasp. anyway...
quit procrastinating little butterfly.... time to start writing.
*sigh*
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 11:34 pm
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