Serendipitous Butterfly
*gulp* I have yet again caved in to the whimsical desire to be popular, not to mention the thrilling idea of having a 'fan base' on the net. ha! what started out as a means for emotional therapy and to let loose all the internal angst over a breakup has ended with me signing up to webrings/web log update sites that will inevitably eventuate with someone i know actually finding me via a blog search engine.the initial thrill of blogging was that everything was anonymous. and to some extents i have tried to keep nitty gritty details like names, addresses and locations out of sight. yet here i am not so much joining other blogging rings, as simply submitting my site to inform them that my page has been updated.
*sigh*
looks like i'm just tempting fate and hoping that you'll come across this blog huh? what are the chances that even if you came across it, that you'd know that i was talking about you? although if you really look at this blog closely, i'm sure there will be a few obvious pointers.
GrrRrr!
tell me - what on earth am i thinking?!?
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 3:33 am
2 Comments:
It is indeed thrilling to think of the possibility of having a 'fan base' on the net. And somehow you wish for certain people to read what you have written but come to think of it even if "the" person did 'stumble' upon it, so what? Don't get me wrong, I am not critising anyone here but what I mean is from my experience eventually it won't change a thing.
Nevertheless, despite all the grouses ;p you write well and perhaps I could be one of your early 'fans'. I shall add a link to your blog from mine if you do not mind (tell me if you do mind).
Meanwhile, enjoy blogging!
Hi Zan,
Thanks for your comment. yes, the idea that anyone would deem your personal writing worth reading is such a major thrill. During my first week of blogging, although i knew that there were chances that people could come across my blog, i doubted that people would stop to read. so it was originally just an empty space for me to rant and rave and get things off my chest.
and then one day suddenly i got a comment telling me that they could relate to what i was going through. that was a shock to my system. the idea that people -actual people - could read and comment on my personal issues, caught me by surprise. it's funny sometimes how immersed you can get when blogging that you can forget that people can actually read what you're writing. but in many ways, knowing for certain that people do in fact read what i write, was sort've like a new form of therapy. lol. at the very least it stopped me feeling so alone.
As to "the" person as you put it... if you haven't noticed already i tend to swing between two extremes based on the time of day, air temperature, wind direction, alignment of the planets and the amount of stimulants i have consumed (be it chocolate, icecream, or any sugar derivative).
In many ways, I'm probably still in denial, harbouring silly girlish hopes that he wants me back. i honestly don't know what would happen if that situation (fantasy) occured, but it keeps me alive... until the day i can fully let go. and from my own past history, it will be an interesting ride to watch. lol.
i know that it wouldn't change a thing if he did come across this blog. at the same time.. it's one thing to write to people that you don't know. it's one thing to write anonymously, and it's one thing to write and be aware that what you write can be read by other people. in some ways, it's comforting to know that other people know about you, and perhaps can relate. it makes the experience of heartbreak a little less lonely. just the idea that someone might read it, and be it, drop a friendly note, nod their head in agreement atwhat you say, or even, just the simple act of reading what i write, can be so comforting.
However, it is another thing altogether to reveal an inner side of yourself that you don't necessarily show to everyone you know, in particular, to the person that arguably matters the most. sometimes the people that you care about the most are the people that you don't want to hurt. they're the people that you want to make the biggest and best impression on. which is ironic, when you think about it. since if they're so close to you, all they really want is the real you. yet you still feel obligated to try and give them the best of yourself. and it can be hard sometimes to open up and show them the inner depths of your soul, and all your inner demons.
so if he was to come by and read this... the thing that worries me are three things:
1. i have no control over what he thinks of what i write. and it seems that control is a big thing for me. considering how this relationship has ended up... and how i had no control over anything. he had the power all along. partly because i gave it to him, and partly because it was just the way the chips fell. and i can't help but wish or want things to turn out the 'best' whatever that may be. i don't have control over that, should he/when he reads this.
2. it's one thing to be internally bitter. it's another to have people believe it. i really do try to be the bigger person. and i really don't want to be petty. and i know i have enough emotional issues to keep therapists and psychologists in business for the next two millenia. how much of what i write do you take with a grain of salt when you are the one responsible for everything? yes he's a coward. yes he's stuffed up. yes, i'd like to think that if he ever crawled back (which he won't, but let's just say for hypothesis sake), I would turn him down or at the very least put him through everything that i have - because then it would be *fair*; but i don't want to push him away. lol. sounds ridiculous doesn't it? i say how bad he's treated me. i am so bitter. yet i want him back. i think it's probably just a irrational vanity girl thing. that or as one of my friends put it, because i'm involved, i can't see what everyone else sees - that i'm wasting my time and should just 'get over it' and move on with my life. *rueful smile*
3. I'm scared what will happen if he does come across it. will i have breached anything? will i turn into the vindictive ex gf who slashes her ex bf's tires for revenge? or will it just reinforce the reality - that he will never come back? and i have enough emotional trauma weighing on me right now without having to think through and deal with all those consequences. lol
Yes, by all means add a link to my site. It's nice to know that i have at least one reader of all my rantings and ravings - as long and tiring as they may seem when i cruise by the 10,000 word limit every blog. lol.
Thank you also for your nice comments regarding my writing. i worry sometimes if i'm actually really coherent. so much of what i write is simply straight from head to keyboard. i think half of the time, i wonder how much of what i write equates to 'verbal diahorrea' lol.
at least i have one fan - now to convert all my lecturers. *grin*
*looks at reply* oh dear.. i've turned this comment into a mini blog! lol.
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