At the Edge of the Abyss

Solitary Butterfly

All that I am is all that you’ve given me
Did you ever worry that I'd come to depend on you
I gave you all the love I had in me
Now I find you've lied and
I can't believe it's true wrapped in her arms
I see you across the street
And I can't help but wonder if she knows what's goin on
You talk of love but you don't know how it feels
When you realise that you're not the only one

Oh you better stop before you tear me all apart
You better stop before you go and break my heart
Ooh you better stop

Time after time
I've tried to walk away
But it's not that easy when you're soul is torn in two
So I just resign myself to it everyday
Now all I can do is leave it up to you

Oh you better stop before you tear me all apart
You better stop before you go and break my heart
Ooh you better stop

You better stop if you love me (you will remember)
Now's the time to be sorry
I won't believe that you'd walk out on me

Oh you better stop better stop
Ooh you better stop baby stop

Sam Browne - You'd Better Stop

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Puts a nice melancholy feel to tonight's blog. Lots of things happened today at work. Ended up being the icing on the cake, the camel that broke the straw's back, and I found myself falling apart at work. One stupid client and I end up in tears, shaken, desperately trying to hold it back like a lone fisherman trying to hold back the tide.

Letting go is harder to do than say. Harder to act than rationalise. I know I did the right thing. It was the most logical thing to do. But my heart wishes otherwise. I spent the afternoon wanting him there so I could share with him my heartache. I wanted to tell him about my day and have him know what I went through. I want him to be there when I drive all the way down to the coast this weekend. I want him to share with me that 'first' of driving on my own down an unknown road for over an hour. I would've even loved to have him in the car with me, teasing me about my inability to navigate or freaking out or bagging out the other drivers. He was always such a good friend to me. Are you honestly sure that you can't handle just being friends? I know that it's for the best that you leave me, but are you 100% positive that your life won't be all the more dull for leaving you out of it? And I'm writing in second person again.

*sigh*

I'm so lonely. Affection starved and desperately wanting someone to hold me, hug me, make me laugh, comfort me and tell me that everything's ok. My friend in Norway came online a little while ago. But even he can't cheer me up. I need Him. I need a best friend that I can go to share all my loneliness. To share all my thoughts and my ideas, and my grumbles about life and how bad work is sometimes. ANd there's no one. It doesn't even matter that the relationship would be platonic. I just need Him. Or a good substitute. And I've never come across one like him before. I hope to god that there's another of him out there. A better clone.

I don't care about the relationship right now. I just need a friendship. I'm so tempted to readd and unblock him from msn (again). Just so I can have someone to tell about my day. I'm so so so so tempted. Someone hold me back and strap me down. I'm so lonely.

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 9:19 pm 0 comments

Self-Destructive Butterfly

I am in a self-destructive mood today. I even took up the offer on the rounds of coffee going around. Although maybe that’s not the best idea. I just want out of this mood. I want out of this funk.

I know what’s best for me, but I can’t help but feel the twinges that come with throwing something away like this. I know I’ve done quite a bit wrong in this process. And I know that I have not been as open as I could have/should have been over his suggestions.

Honestly I’m not really in that same place that I was three months ago when I chose the silent treatment because I wanted more. Those feelings have watered down a bit. Now I think it’s just vanity that has made me act the way I do. How dare he not feel remorse and want me? After I wanted him so badly.

So I’ve been a bad sport in all of this also.

But I think that I’ve hid it well. And he won’t ever know. I don’t know if it’s good or bad that I’ve shifted the blame onto him.

I feel self-destructive today.

Maybe it’s just best that you don’t mess with me today.

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 10:28 am 0 comments

Closing Butterfly

Three months later, It's done. We're over. I just finished talking to him online.

I know that I will be ok. Thank you Jay for your quote about the 'if you think you can, you can' line. It was running through my head as I chatted to him online. And I know I can. I know I can survive without him. I think I knew all along. I knew that it was better without him in my life.

I guess I just got disillusioned. I was talking to him on msn last night and he had the little webcam up. Seeing him again... I knew why I was so wary of meeting in person. All I wanted was for him to hug me and hold me, and tell me how much he loved and cared for me.

The final word on his side was simply that he did not feel that he loved me enough. I told him just about everything. I realise now that I forgot one little thing. But if I blog it up, it's as good as told. And having said that, it's slipped my mind again.

Anyhow, I'm well and truly moving on. There's no point with goodbyes and apologies. There's no point sorting things out. At the end of the day we want two different things and he's too scared to have faith in us. His pessimistic outlook on relationships ensures that he will destroy everything. And as much as I'm willing to be there and help him see that I'm here to stay... as much as I want to love him and be there for me, as strong as they all say I am, I can't be strong enough to hold a relationship together if he won't even try.

I know that it's for the best. I know that.

I've done it now. He's out and out. And I also know that he will never have the courage to come back. As much as I want him to. As much as I want him to chomp the bit, eat his pride and tell me that he was wrong. I didn't tell him that, but I implied as much. I told him all the things that he wasn't, and if he could read between the lines, also what it was that I hoped and wanted.

Let his pessimestic view be the way that he sees life. It doesn't matter that he let go of a good thing. Because he doesn't love me enough. And for that statement alone, I know that it's not worth my time to stay.

Thank you chicabu for talking some sense into me today and giving me enough courage to face this through. I had a long think about what you were reminding me today and I guess some of it hit home somewhere. I know I've been in denial city for a long time now. And I also know that underneath it all, I've always known that I could live through this.

I guess I got over him that time that I admitted to myself that he wasn't worth my time. And coming back the way he did, not the way that I'd hoped or wanted, well... it secured the fact that I couldn't trust him. I so could have. I knew I was slipping. I knew I was falling for him again. But I also knew that in order for me to truly go under he had to declare his undying love. And if you want to be practical about it, there really was no room for him to maneouvere. I'd already outplayed him. I knew all the chances that he had, and I blocked every single one of them.

With my ex at least, he overrode everything. That's the type of love I guess I was looking for in this one. To override all my thoughts and processes. And to simply 'be.' To love me and be done with it. None of this rationalising and sitting on the fence.

I will get through this, because I know that somewhere in my mind I've already convinced myself that I am better than him, and that he does not deserve my love. In my anger, bitterness and pain I think that I managed to cement something in me. In my pride I stuck some backbone in and (hopefully) it has stuck.

I guess I always knew that this would be the outcome. I guess I just hoped that maybe I was wrong. I know that this is for the best. And maybe I have let him off the hook. It doesn't matter anymore. There's no point me trying to get him to suffer. He doesn't love me that way. Not really. And he admitted that he had been trying to sort out if it was lust that was making him do silly things. Maybe I let him off the hook with explaining everything. Maybe.

But he really isn't worth my time. let's hope that three months worth of lecturing to myself has done some good. And that I really do believe all those angry rantings that I made. I wonder if one day he will indeed come across this blog, recognise it for who it is, and I wonder what his reactions will be.

It doesn't matter to me anymore. It's one of the reasons why I specifically told him that I didn't want to hear another apology. Because apologies don't mean anything. They hold no substance. The only way out of all of this is for him to come back to me in a few weeks, in a few months and tell me that it was wrong.

I was reading a novel last night and the protagonist was agonising over a decision. In the end, it was a coin that decided for him. And the sage advice attached to the coin (by the person who offered the coin) was that if it was the wrong decision, he would know. And it was true. Once that decision is made, if it really is wrong, you will go against it. because honestly, the coin doesn't have to be right. So I am the coin. I gave him the decision. If he ever believes that it is wrong, then he is welcome to challenge it. But the trick is - does he know that I might be wrong? It all depends on his love for me. It's a way to test his courage and see if he is indeed worthy of me.

In the meantime, I am ready to move on and live my life. Now that all is clear and clarified and I know where I stand and how I act, then I can accept the reins and ride on down the street.

My resolve breaks every morning that I wake up. I woke up this morning and hugged my pillow and wished desperately that it was him. But you know, despite all my rantings and ravings, I know when I'm beat. If you don't love me enough, there's nothing I can do. And I know that it's best that you stay out of my life. Maybe come graduation we can hold a civil conversation. I don't believe that I will ever act cold towards you again. I just think that it would be best that we stopped being friends. Acquaintences will be more than enough. And I will hold civil conversation with you. And I will no longer give you the cold shoulder. I just think that distance is the best remedy. Or as Zan notes, 'time.'

Maybe all I really wanted to do in coming back this second time was to suffer. To give me the chance to unpick his mind, and see what there is to all of this hoo ha. Maybe I really didn't want us to suceed and be friends. Maybe I needed more time. I was in the middle of getting over him when he came back. If he had waited a little more, maybe we could still be friends. But the anger got through. The bitterness got through. And some of my love remained. I've done a head job on him and me. Twisted everything to convince all and sundry, including myself, that I don't want and need him, all the while inside craving for him to declare that i was an idiot, and that we should just love each other and be done with it. ... or maybe it was the other way around, with me hanging my heart on my sleeve, while internally I'm calculating to see how much I need to give out before he caves and I get the chance to reject him. Maybe that was what it was all along. A chance for me to have the upper hand. A chance for it to be 'me' to say no. And a chance for me to have the upper hand. And of course, him being him, the weakling that he is, doesn't see that he just got played.

Yes he was responsible for a lot of the hurt and pain that he put me through. But I was a willing participant. I would've gone through that and more. Because I loved him. Of course then we go on to argue - did I ever *truly* love him, or was I just in love with the idea of loving him?

*shakes head*

As long as I hold steady knowing that we can't be, everything will be fine. I had hope that I would reach that point while we were still sorting things out. But to be honest, a part of me watched that undercurrent. the unspoken bitterness and his frailities in his indecisiveness.

Maybe we never really had a chance. I just hate to see him rationalise it out for me. That we were two different people with two different approaches. I don't need to be lecturered by him. I know more about this, I've thought more about this than he ever has. Or maybe, I just don't want to be wrong or to have someone gainsay me. If we ever become friends again I know that I will dredge up the past. It's the type of person I am. Hell, I'm still bitter about the first guy I fell for. And while we remain close friends, and I never say anything to him about it, not really, he doesn't really know that somewhere I harbour something that says 'hey, how dare you pick someone else over me?'

Perhaps this is all it was. I sit there and I wonder how can you not love me enough? This is me! Even you admit that you "turn into putty" everytime you see me. ANd you know that I am great company. So what is it that stops you from loving me properly? Is it that I gave out too much too soon? Was it the situation? Was it the fact that we had different expectations and on top of that we didn't give each other enough space and time to sort things through? I never knew that the thesis meant that much to you, that you'd spent 3 years planning on it. If you had told me it would have given me some more understanding (perhaps).

But to be honest, knowing that you don't love me enough suffices. I can't beat that. So I accept. And I hope you caught it when I said that I had to accept to stop loving you. And while it wouldn't bother me in the slightest if I knew that you were hurting and crying yourself over regrest tonight, it won't kill me to know that you won't. Perhaps I can even summon up some indifference. I hope so.

I also hope that I will find someone who can be ten times what you and I were. I don't want to believe that our friendship was a one of a kind. I don't want to believe that our friendship was really so rare. It was always something nice that we had between us. But to be honest, I think all along I was looking for a relationship. Maybe not knowingly with you, but once you mentioned and offered it, and I caught a glimpse of what could be, well... I was sold. To have someone that I could talk to constantly. To have someone who not only kept his full attention on me, but was also quick witted enough to keep up and throw me for a loop sometimes. To have someone who made me laugh, and was more affectionate and tender than I had ever imagined... It was more than I had ever dreamed or hoped for. And that was what made it special. that you exceeded my expectations. And I know I got a bit overzealous over you. Because I was that scared of losing you. So maybe I didn't understand you as much as I had wanted. And it honestly doesn't matter how much you wanted for us to work out. Because you didn't want it badly enough to stay and work it through with me.

Maybe it could have worked. But I was being stubborn too. I saw your suggestions as a type of rejection. And I was mortified to think that *I*, *me*, could be rejected. If I was everything that you ever dreamt or hoped for, then why the hell were you letting me go? Couldn't you have surrendered some of your pride? Couldn't you have sat me down and said, 'I love you more than anything in the world, and I want us to work out. I promise you with everything I've got that I will treat you right. But in the meantime, can we just hang for a while?' And while I admit that you did say all those things, somehow it didn't work out. I can't figure it out. Maybe it really was all my hurt pride and vanity. Maybe I've done such a good job at this that I've managed to turn all the guilt onto you. Because hell if *i'm* going to be the bad guy.

I know you're sick of it. You said so yourself. So maybe you are very relieved to have me leave. Because no longer will you hear me reminding you of how much you hurt me.

I just wish you hadn't slammed that door in my face so abruptly. Told me that you didn't know what you wanted, and that you needed this to stop, that you couldn't give me you. It seems you were always just a little off the mark, once everything went downhill. And I know that despite all my claims, my pride and vanity played a large part. I can't change the past, and I doubt that given it all again, I wouldn't do the same. I can't say for sure. I just know that you constantly gave out mixed signals and I tagged along. If only you had a clear picture in your mind of what it was that you wanted. And had never let things progress the way they did.

You know a lot more about me than anyone has a right to. Especially for an ex (now that we can safely call you this) who was only around for a month or two (but of course who promised that he would be here "for a very long time").

You say that it kills you most that you lost the friendship. I say that it kills me most that I lost the relationship. And there's nothing anyone can do about it until someone bends. I may well be the one to bend one day. But it's definately not right now. And while I haven't said it outright to you, I've said it, if not in so many words. You may be tired and dying from lack of sleep, so maybe you won't pick up all the nuances.

Tonight was for me. In some ways, every time I prodded for answers from you, it was for me. As I caustically told you the other night, you've come back into my life as confused as when you left. And I had so hoped that you would come back knowing what it was you wanted. Maybe you do. You just want friendship. And maybe I just keep constantly forgetting. Because I *want* you to want a relationship.

I guess the ideal situation is that you never get over me, and that you wish that we could work out as a couple. But as much as that would be gratifying, I think I'm going to have to stop mulling over it all the time. I must sound so repetitive putting down the same thoughts over and over again with slightly different phrasing. But ironically it's what's going through my head. Straight from brain to keypad. This is truly what goes on in my head. Round, and around, and around.

So at the very least I've found my way out of the maze. (I hope). And when tomorrow morning hits, and I hug my pillow in the dawn light, I hope that my sudden impulse to hug that pillow and cry out your name softly is simply a passing whim. I honestly miss having someone. I miss the affection. Maybe it's shallow of me to want it. But I can't help it. It's one of the bad things about getting involved in relationships. Once you know what you're missing out on, there's no going back. Like they say, careful what you wish for. And now that I know there is potential for someone to be as tender to me as he once was, well, I can't help but want it. Despite all the pain and hurt.

I wanted to read the msn log one more time. But in the process of re-blocking and re-deleting him it seems that I can't open up that log anymore. Oh well. What's done is done then huh? From now on he's out of my life for good. Or at least until I see him at graduation. It will be interesting to see if he will talk to me or look me in the eye. I will most probably smile and be friendly. If only because it will be a good day for me. And I can never stay mad at anyone for long.

There is hope in a way about this entire tragedy. But I must also be realistic and acknowledge that we may never work out again. I now finally understand why people say that relationships based on friendships can be so risky. And why those very relationships will jeopardise a friendship, no matter how solid. So much for hoping that I could love someone who was a close friend. Guess I'll have to think twice next time.

So we're through. Well and truly through. And for my own sake and credibility I have to make sure I stick this through. I can't give him any more leeways or contradictions. Because if I give an inch it will immediately get complex. And we will again go around in circles. And I hate hearing him rationalise. And I hate him telling me that we won't work out.

If I gave him the easy way out, so be it.

I stuck it through. (or at least i hope so). I can no longer tell. I've made such a twisted wreck of all this.

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 9:53 pm 0 comments

Horoscoping Butterfly

His stars for the day/week:

"interaction with a good friend could lead to hot, steamy sex, bringing an emotional resolution to a sticky topic. You'll be heaing worn-out situations and will be ready for new careers."

*raises an eyebrow*

hrmm.....

As opposed to mine:

"Mercury in charge of communication means a monkey wrench could be thrown in any plans you may have."

Sometimes when I think about all this, it’s just like we’re going around in circles.

The current situation seems to be an echo of last time. The only difference this time around is that there’s no thesis hanging over our heads. Again I am waiting for him to come to a decision. Again I seemingly appear as if I have no control. And again there is a strong possibility that I will be facing rejection.

I made this observation the other night and have held back writing I out hoping to sort it out properly in my head. Doesn’t seem to be doing much though.

This time around I should be older (by a few months) and wiser (you’d think so anyway) and be onto his wily charms. Supposedly. What this means is, I need to have iron-clad control over this situation. And I should be able to better deal with all the emotional manipulation this time around. I should be objective and recognise the reality of the situation, and I should be able to separate that reality from my hopes and desires. In theory it all sounds so easy…

I think one of the key things to keep in mind is to ensure that I can no longer get hurt by him and that I won’t get all angsty every time something happens or he says something offhand.

This half limbo that he’s proposing has all the elements of a tragedy in waiting. And arguably I am re-entering Denial County.

I really should stop going on msn and asking for trouble.

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 1:58 pm 0 comments

20/20 Butterfly

Hee Hee! As I blog I am wearing my new fandangled contacts. *wicked grin*

I can see! I can see! I can see! I can see! I can see! I can see! I can see! I can see! I can see! I can see! I can see! I can see!

*ahem*

We went out to dinner tonight and I happily drove. You couldn't keep the wide grin off my face the minute I left the house. It was like seeing all over again. No more blurring. No more glass edges. 360 degrees sight. As I drove I thought to myself, "so this is what it must be like for 'normal' drivers who drive." My family found it quite amusing. I'm just happy.

All I have to do now is stop automatically squinting when looking at the computer screen. I'm so used to wearing glasses that when we took photos earlier my hands automatically reached to take my glasses off - only to discover and remember that I actually *don't need* to wear them now ;)

Well, I just had to share this with the world. I also have been thinking a bit more about the entire relationship situation, but I think I'll hold back a little and think about it a little more before I blog it up. Sort out a few more kinks, or at least analyse a bit more before I put it down in writing.

Anyhoo, guess what?

I can see!!!!

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 9:50 pm 0 comments

Accepting Butterfly

I have to be honest with myself. I love him. I know I do. I also must acknowledge that he does not love me. Not the way I want him to love me. He’s gone away to justify why he should commit to me. Why we should start over and begin anew.

Friday night was a break through of sorts. I guess you could argue it was anyway. My little plan worked. More than I could have imagined. And while I have been questioning whether I did the right thing or not, it has put some things into perspective. If it hasn’t done that, at least it’s given me some food for thought. Before I added him back onto msn I commented that I’d made sure I’d put up a whole bunch of really pretty pictures of me just to, y’know, ‘remind’ him of what he had lost, and maybe make him reconsider.

Well he reconsidered. I was chattering away and noticed that he wasn’t talking much so I asked him if I didn’t talk if we really had nothing to say. He said that the reason why he was quiet was because he kept on staring at my pic on msn. Being flattered by someone you really like is such a wonderful feeling. And I’ve missed having someone tell me that. It boosted my ego to no end. And as we talked, I changed the pic every once in a while. Just to hammer it in and what not. And throughout it all he was being reeled in.

By way of explanation he sort’ve said that he would do anything I asked. And while I held back, at long last I couldn’t help it. I had to tease and say ‘are you sure you won’t reconsider?’. To which he replied with a ‘…’ and a ‘damn you.’

I don’t want to be manipulative. I just want him back. I want a honest and true answer. I don’t want to push and prod in order to have someone love me. He joked that I was a few photos from getting “everything I ever wanted.” When I asked what that meant (i.e. what was it that he thought I wanted), his explanation was very succinct and in some ways surprising: “in the case of us, me being 100% open and honest and committed to you and to making things work… rebuilding the trust.” So this is what I want. But I’m wondering if that’s what he wants. And when I prompted him with the query that all it took for that to happen was to see a few pretty pictures of me, he came back with “no… but by god they did move me back on track.”

Hmmm…

You have to admit that that’s a bit disturbing. So all along you’ve been honest with yourself and me, you’ve thought things through and tried to be honest in taking apart what you need, want and are prepared for. And while it may suck for me, it’s still ok in a sense. However, I have to voice my concern when this process becomes tainted/marred by the idea that a few pretty pictures was all that was needed to sway you in the other direction. I don’t want your commitment because of lust. I don’t want you to ‘love’ me, or hang around to rebuild the trust with me because you want a pretty girl on your arm. It was one of my concerns when I was with my ex. That part of the reason why he loved me so much was because I was something more than he ever hoped for. And sometimes I get the feeling that perhaps that same mentality lurks behind this one.

I want him to want me for me. Not because of my looks. The fact that he’s swaying means that most likely I shouldn’t hope too much. I don’t want him to commit to me, to a relationship, just because it may be the ‘right thing’ to do to make up for everything. I don’t want him to need to rationalize it. If he comes back, I want it to be because it’s something that he needs to do. That he wants to do. That compels him to want to be with me like nothing else can explain. I want it to be love in its truest form. Not this half hearted ‘let me think about it’ stuff.

And that line, ‘but by god it moved me back on track’ disturbs me to no end. It’s been going around and around in my circle like the peals of a gong.

Maybe it’s time to let go. Like really let go. Being friends isn’t all that bad. I can still have someone to tell my day to. I can still have someone to share the joys and the lows. But perhaps it’s time I let go of the hope or desire for more. I don’t want someone who wants me for lust or looks. I want someone to want me for me. And for a while there I really thought he was the one. But the fact that he’s trying to justify all this points to otherwise.

He tells me that we will talk about all this face to face. Ok, whenever you’re ready. All that needs to happen now is that I need to prepare my resolve. I need to prepare for all contingencies and make sure that I can handle whatever comes at me. Maybe it is like that Dashboard Confessional song that I posted up the other day. Maybe I am prepared for him to leave me, and maybe I’ll stop being honest with him about what I really want. I’ve never said it in as many words, but we know that he knows what I really desperately want. And the impression that I get is that his gut instincts aren’t the same as mine.

The other side of it is of course that we simply work differently. I work on emotion while he works by putting down all the pros and cons. And he’s probably more practical than me. Maybe. It seems to be his biggest argument. That we approach the same issue differently. I also know for a fact that I compromise a hell of a lot more than he does. At one stage the other night or a few nights ago, he actually said to me, ‘this is who I am’. As in, if you don’t accept me for what I am then that’s it. He can’t change. Although I’ve had a million discussions with people who argue both for and against the fact that people *can* in fact change. Even guys. Especially guys. But only if they believe that they can. They all do – but some just choose not to believe. Maybe they like to be secure in the knowledge that there is something of themselves that remains. I don’t know. I don’t know how a guy’s mind works when he is in love. This one it seems, is not in love with me. He just loves me, and that’s all.

I think I confused him the other night by putting up those pretty pictures. Best not to do that again. I don’t want to manipulate him. I just want an honest and open relationship. Sometimes thinking back I wonder if I went too far. But the lure of an ego boost after such a long period of depression, the idea that he was still attracted to me in some way overrode common sense. I don’t like mind games. I don’t like trying to twist things to my ideals. Only because most of the time I’ll lose =P and I’ve been burnt over things like that before.

The other thing of course is that I shouldn’t stop being myself just because I’m worried that he might read things otherwise. Just because it may seem like I’m manipulating him, doesn’t mean that is in fact the case. Nor does it mean I *can’t* put pretty pictures of me on msn. It’s not like I have to look all daggy and ugly just because I shouldn’t tempt him or whatever.

Friends.

*sigh*

I guess it’s time I start accepting the truth that he doesn’t want me. Not that way. He doesn’t know what he wants. And it would be dangerous to go back in again knowing that. We’ll be friends. Because it seems despite my bravado that we don’t need to be, I can’t help it sometimes and wish that I could talk to him. Or maybe it’s simply because I think or feel like I have the upper hand. Like I hold some insights that he does not know. And because of that, well… because of that I am superior. Knowledge is power peoples. Knowledge is power.

Of course until next we meet or talk and he throws the tables around. Sometimes I don’t think I want to know what it is he thinks or feels. If I can delude myself into believing that he is a confused little boy who deep down doesn’t want any commitment, but overall is continually swayed by a pretty girl to do unintentional hurtful things rather than a heartless man who wants the best of two worlds without having to sacrifice anything, then I will be content.

I hope.

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 11:11 am 0 comments

Contracted Butterfly

It's official. I'm an official full-time employee. I've been frothing at the bit for well over a month now waiting for them to finalise all these things. And in some ways I've kinda been grateful for all the delays. Commiting to a company means that no longer am I a 'free agent.' In fact, I am now supposed to be a loyal denizen of the Corporate world. I can no longer hop up and go elsewhere contracting for casual or part time work. I'm here to stay. Or so the theory goes.

And it's finally set in stone. Much like a ring of stone around my neck. A milstone. At the same time, after I took the deep breath, plunged in and set pen to paper, I can't stop smiling. It's all done. No more uncertainty.

And the package really isn't all that bad - although I'm told that they've still got me at a deal. And that I deserve a hell of a lot more. Yeh well. Nothing can be done about that now. And anyway, overall, it *is* my first job. And i honestly do not know my full worth. And if this means that I get taken advantage of in the first run - so be it. But I will not be stuck here forever. I've been at this place in this department since I was 19. I don't want to be here five years on, going 'i've been here for practically a decade'. I can do so much better than this. And I will stay here until the day I can be confident in my own abilities, and be able to negotiate for an ideal pay package.

Yes.

When you think about it though, signing a contract and all its responsibilities and implications kind've run parallel to all the rigamorale that you have to deal with in a relationship. Once you 'commit' that's it. You can't go and 'lark around' or whatever. And at the same time, having one person does stop all the uncertainty that comes sometimes with being single. At the same time you can also point to how people (him) are so concerned before they commit to relationships - like real relationships, because they recognise all the responsibilities that come with it (leaving aside the fact that you actually *want* to accept full responsibility because you love the person. but that's another can of worms that we're not going to go into here). Just like I've been fearing signing this contract.

Maybe I just have relationships on the brain. And everything is always the same. Three months ago I was waxing rhapsodic over how a stupid tv program can parallel the rollercoaster in emotional relationships. And now I'm pulling comparisons between work contracts and relationships (we could even argue marriage contracts - if we really wanted to: the irony being that it would work too! =P ).

Anyhow, back to Dashboard Confessional and the last bout of work for the day/week before we hit the weekend. I get my contacts tomorrow. *winks*

Then we'll see who's the prettiest of them all...

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 4:19 pm 0 comments

Irritated Butterfly

My best friend isn't having lunch with me on Sunday. I don't know why she bothers with saying that she wants us to keep in touch. What's the point when she can't even make time for me? Instead she goes 'i wanted to go shopping coz they have 33.3% off'. Gee thanks. I get dumped for a clothes sale. Of course we are girls, so I guess that should really be a redundant argument. But still. If being friends and keeping in touch is so important, then for *Crying Out Loud* make an Effort!!!

Everyone is the bloody same. Doesn't anyone care anymore? Or do I just have a sign on my forehead that says "ignore"???

Am I honestly *that* demanding on your time????

Grrrr....

Everyone's the same.

I don't know why I bother.

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 3:34 pm 1 comments

Disheartened Butterfly

And something to characterise the hopeless situation between him and us is again best put in the words of Dashboard Confessional:

"Dig a ditch deep enough
To keep you clear of the sun
You've been burned more than once
You don't think much of trust

Man it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has
Lord it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreamt at all
Oh look now, there you go with hope again
But I'll be sure your secret is safe with me
Oh, you're so sure I'll be leaving in the end
Treating me like I'm already gone"

Dashboard Confessional - Carve your heart out

I'm just about defeated over this entire situation. I just want to be able to talk to you and tell you all my inner most fears and desires and for you to let me. To want to hear about them. THat's all I want. If only you were here to stay like that. I don't feel that I can come to you with all my troubles. I wish I could. But I can't. Not till you let me. And you won't let me if we can't do this the right way. ANd you will never do things the right way.

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 1:41 pm 0 comments

Fearful Butterfly

God I'm a mess. I know I said it before, but I'll say it again. I'm scared of moving on. I'm terrified that once I let go, this will be it and I will never have someone who loves me as much as he once loved me.

I'm such a fool.

I talked to him online tonight and he's suggested that we meet up to talk about this face to face. Looks like this is my make it or break it interview. so to speak. I may as well put out all the guns. After this, I have the bad feeling that it will all be over for good and there will be closure. And bizarrely I'm absolutely terrified of what that will bring.

He tells me that he still loves me, but that he doesn't want to put me through any of this again. He doesn't know if he wants to truly commit to being more than friends. We're going to need *hours* to sort this through. My lunch break so is not going to be enough.

Give me strength to see this through.

I don't want it all to end. I don't want all my little fairy castles to fall into shards on the tarmac. I don't want to be heartbroken again. I've skirted around the issue for so long simply because I *don't* want to be in this situation. I *don't* want to have to face reality. I don't want to know that yet again I don't make the cut. And I don't want to know yet again that we are through and that I'm not worth his time.

I hate you. I hate that you put me through this. And as logical and reasonable as your suggestion is, I hate that this has to happen at all. can't you just leave me in the Denial castle wistfully combing my hair and imagining all that could be, instead of noting all that can be? Why must you force me out of my self imposed sanctuary? Why must you?

I don't want to get over you. I want to hope and imagine and dream. I want to picture the fairy tale ending where you come back and beg for my mercy and forgiveness. Instead you come at me with rational and justification that I cannot refute. I hate all of you capricornians, despite your irrisistable charm and air of authority and implied strength and assurance. Your arrogance is a double-edged sword. Your noble intentions are overshadowed by your own selfish needs and wants. And yet again you take over the situation.

Even when I thought that I had control, when I thought that the ball was in my court, it never really was. You are in fact comfortable with everything. Silly me, who has had restless days trying to sort out what I want and whether I can trust you again. Because all along you don't really give a damn. Or so it seems. I know I'm getting overly dramatic.

I don't want to face you. I don't want to clear the opium clouds. I don't want to see you stand there and ground me and tell me that we can't be. That we never can be, and that you're unwilling to try. I want to have the strength, foresight, knowledge and ability to throw you out of my life. But unfortunately for me, you will have the upper hand. I don't want to see you. I don't want to be told that I am worthless and unworthy of your time. I don't want to feel the rejection without the escape of a thesis to keep me sane.

I don't want to face reality. I don't want to cry myself to sleep every night and think how stupid I am. I just want to be locked away in my little castle and dream of all that could be between us. Why won't you give me that?

Whoever said that love was fun was a sick heartless jerk. Love is hurt. Love is pain. Love is never worth it in the end. Love is rejection. Love is an illusion, a fairy floss that we give to kids so that they can sleep peacefully at night.

I never want to love again. I never want to open my heart to have it trampled on the way you have done to me. I don't want you to do this to me.

I don't want to feel worthless in the face of reason.

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 11:24 pm 0 comments

Excited Butterfly

So I broke my "fast" - but for good reason. I don't have pay tv. And for all those Sarah fans out there - in case you haven't noticed already: Saturday night, 6.30 on Max, "The Max Sessions: Sarah McLachlan" OMG OMG OMG OMG *hyperventilates*

I don't have pay tv. So I rang him up to request that he tape it for me. I'm sorry, but Sarah overtakes all. She is IT. Nothing can compare. The irony of course is that I was listening to her on the train this afternoon, and in the lifts, I was talking to another work colleague about her. I come home, and lo and behold there is her pretty picture on the tv guide. Good thing I checked. Can you imagine the agony I would have gone through if I hadn't spotted it in time? But this *is* Sarah. So I would always have spotted it "in time."

And it was a good thing that I hadn't fully decided on my course of action over him anyway. I was walking to the train station this afternoon listening to Fallen, and I suddenly got this overwhelming feeling. This sense that I still wanted us to be friends.

I guess I'll just continue fluctuating. I could be honest about us to him, but to be honest, I don't think or feel that it would solve anything. Deep down I know that we will never be. It's just my denial playing mind games with me.

I honestly am sick of hearing about all this crap. I'm sick of talking about it. Guess I'll just have to play it all by ear and treat it all as it comes.

I just hope my best friend feels better. We planned to have "brunch in the city" this Sunday. And it's about time I started to play the sophisticate. I've graduated now. I'm practically a white collar worker (I *still* haven't signed the contract after practically a month of working there and constant promises of 'we'll sign it tomorrow'), and anyway, I'm a Big Girl now. *proud just of chin*

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 8:47 pm 0 comments

Closing Butterfly

Bitter and amusing joke for the day:

Q: What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A: A Nervous Wreck.

I was talking with a work colleague today about my troubles. She's kind've in the same situation so we're in the kitchen consoling each other. (I know, not the most private of places to talk about affairs of the heart). anyway. she suggested that I just tell him what I *really* want. And explain the entire situation to him. If it's not what he wants, then I move on. Because right now I'm not going anywhere with this. ANd I won't be able to until I get this sorted.

I agree with her logic - except for one thing. I don't know if I really *want* to move on =S Which I know, entirely defeats the purpose of this exercise. I guess somewhere deep down I'm scared of moving on. I'm scared that I'm letting go of a good thing. Even though my rational mind says that he can't be that good of a thing if I'm going through all of this in the first place. What is wrong with me? Is it in fact love? Infatuation? Pride? THe fact that someone once considered me worth their time? And the idea that I have to face singledom in its entireity? Am I so petrified of being alone?

I guess I like to keep my options open. And knowing that I could be the one responsible for closing this chapter on my life scares me a bit. To be honest, I'm absolutely petrified. I'm so scared that if I tell him that deep down I'm still looking for a relationship that he will reject me again. And my ego can't take very much more rejection - especially not from him.

Maybe I will take my workmate's advice. But I'll give myself a week to sort this out first. And then I will tell him. I will stop playing games. Because, as much as he may deserve to play those games - honestly, are you really that kind of person? Do you really want to mess with his head? I mean, yes I know that you don't think it's fair on you that you have to do anything. But at the same time, you know yourself that you're way too impatient for your own good. And this is already half screwed as it is. You may as well scrunch up the rest and throw it in the bin. Why hold onto this?

I know it's scary. To go back out there, like *Really* go back out there. I just want some comfort. I want someone there to hold my hand and go through this journey with me. But there is no one I can trust to tell the honest truth with. He was the only one. I have no 'fallback guy' after this. This will be it. For better or worse if I kick him out of my life, that will be It. A chapter ended.

Hrmm...

*sigh*

Guess I'll leave it now for food for thought. Time to go chasing my train home!

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 5:26 pm 1 comments

Killing Butterfly

I spent my lunchbreak in a bookstore. As often happens with me, I somehow wind my way to the astrology section and take a look at what they say about you and me. I'm getting back to the frustrating stage it seems, because as I open the relevant pages my mind starts to shy away from reading. It seems I'm getting sick of analysing this situation. And perhaps it's about time I just let things be and quit stirring up the pond. If I really want to drink the damn water, I have to let it sit first. Instead I just seem to be constantly poking it with a stick and digging up sediment.

After reading the relevant pages I threw down the book in disgust. My immediate thoughts were 'so what if we could be good together? It's not what you want.' And in doing so, it seems I have found my rut. One part of me believes that you no longer want to be any more than friends. And I resent you for it. I despise the fact that you can not want more from us. from me. I am not so bad that you dare have the gall to reject me. In fact, it should be the other way around. Instead, in your heart of hearts it seems that you no longer want me. And that hurts.

At the same time, you have been trying to tell me the last few days/weeks that you want us to be friends again. and you imply (perhaps) that in order for anything else to happen, first we have to be friends. Hell, I even acknowledged that in order for anything to ever happen between us, first we have to be friends.

Perhaps what I resent overall is your lack of trying. You pretend that being yourself is sufficient to keep me. Yet you seem to conveniently forget that it was you being essentially you (Mr. Selfish I want it all, and I don't know what I really want) that got us in this mess in the first place. There seems to be no way around this problem other than through it. And through it, as in, throw this out and get on with life. It seems such a pity and such a waste that we can throw such a friendship away. But to be honest, I think that we won't ever really get past it all. You might. But I won't. This is of course, assuming that I be really honest with myself. In times of foolishness (like last night) I wanted to talk to you. I wanted the contact. But at other times when I'm by myself and mediating on the situation, I have to admit that I find it hard to let go of the barriers. ANd it seems that you choose to do nothing.

You may argue that you in fact do not know what to do. You don't know how to breach that breakage of trust. You don't know how to fix things. So instead, you try by just being friends. Are we in fact going back in a circle? In trying to fix things are you essentially trying to push everything under the rug again? Or is that the only way that things can progress? It doesn't matter that we have progressed in a sense. I don't want to give you any more satisfaction than you already have. I don't want to beg for your friendship and love. I don't want to be the one doing all the work. I just want to be myself and be loved for it. I want the undying devotion. I want the tenderness. Maybe what I want is not attainable.

I don't think you will ever be what I want or need. You may give out a facade of something that I would like to experience. But each time I go back, perhaps you will only remind me why I left. You can't help the way that you handle things. You can't help that there are things about you that get under my skin and irritate me. And as much as I'd like to be friends with you, I think that I moved on a long time ago, but I was just in denial. And the fact that you came back in a way, made it even harder for me to realise what had essentially happened.

I have spent so long telling myself that you are not worthy of my friendship and love. Why should I deign myself upon the likes of you? When you dare not even come up to me to talk. When you do not even attempt to bridge the gap between us? When you think that being yourself is enough. When in all sense I feel/think/believe that if I were in your situation I would try to atone for my sins. So to speak.

I want you to constantly beg for forgiveness. I want the power that indifference brings.

But I don't have it.

Despite my vindictive streak. Besides my cruel maniuplative side, it seems that paradoxically I do not have a truly mean bone in my body. And this disturbs me. It disturbs me that I cannot truly make you hurt. It disturbs me that I cannot make a clean cut. It disturbs me that I do not like breaking people. And it frustrates me to no end, that I have a conscience.

You aren't online tonight. Which is a good thing. I have been thinking of just letting this friendship fade away. Now that we've attempted to mend bridges perhaps its time to just let things slide. I can't be friends with you. Not the way that you and I both want. I don't trust you. I can talk with you, but I will always second guess your motives. You are not the type to declare devoting love. You are not the type to tell me that you've loved me all along and have been too scared to show it.

I know there is a strong chance that if we ever got back together, that you will turn around one day and tell me that you've stopped loving me. And in doing so, I will die a thousand deaths and still yearn for release. I don't want to face that day. In some way I guess I want to bypass that altogether. I know that I can learn a lot from you. But I no longer feel the steadiness that once surrounded you. I no longer see the aura of reliability and assurance. All I see is uncertainty. And by extension, my own pain.

In some ways you could even argue that we were a tragedy waiting to happen. Tragic circumstances that can no longer be changed. I wonder if I should give you closure. Or if I should just let things lie the way they are. It seems that I could be justified either way. Giving you closure would naturally be the honourable thing to do. However, even if I didn't, I would still be justified, in that it would only amount to a small amount of the heartache that you have put me through.

No matter your justifications about how much you want for us to work, and for me to stay in your life, I somehow don't feel that I can trust you. I have no idea how you could try and make it work. You hurt me too much. You cut me too deep. I don't think I can ever open up to you like that again. Not without fear of losing myself completely to you. And when/should that happen, the day that you decide that we are through forever - my life will be over.

Call me a coward - and I will admit it freely. but honestly, I don't think I dare open my heart up to you again. You hurt my self-respect in ways that I cannot even begin to explain. I may seem dramatic, and it may be that everyone who has ever had their heart broken feels the same way that I do. But that is them, and this is me. Not to detract from anyone else's pain.

But to be honest. These days every time I think of love, all I see is the risk of heartache. Everyone falls in love only to fall out love. And the falling out is ten times worse the love itself. Or so it seems to me. Perhaps I am focusing on the negative. All I know is that right now, I do not see the point of ever loving anyone ever again. It all just seems to be a horrible joke that was placed upon us mortal beings. Why do we need to experience love? When all it brings is pain? It doesn't matter that I had moments with him that exceeded all expectations. The knowledge that he chose something inanimate over me, the fact that I was cast aside and made to feel unworthy usurps any good will I have towards him. The uncertainty of love and the knowledge that things between us will never be assured kills me.

Maybe in some ways, I am already dead.

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 11:05 pm 0 comments

Quiet Butterfly

I was a coward. I went online last night and unblocked him. The only thing that saved me was that I didn't talk to him. I don't know if he didn't see me or he simply thinks that I should be the one who messages first. Either way, it's all over now (for another day) and it's morning again.

My only defence is that I watched a romantic comedy (Two Weeks Notice) just before going online. Not that that makes my defence rock solid. In fact, it probably makes my case worse.

My neck hurts from curling around my pillow for the last 10 hours. I'm like one of those birds who tuck their heads under their wings when sleeping. ANd it doesn't help that on the trains I end up choosing seats where when I nap, I go back into the same position. It can't be good for my back. Or for my neck either, come to think of it.

It seems so sad that I can only sleep at night when I've got a pillow to hug. I miss having someone. I miss the affection. I miss the attention. I miss knowing there is someone out there who can't live without me. I miss being the centre of their world.

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 9:06 am 0 comments

Steadfast Butterfly

I am typing this up at work - which may or may not be a good thing. But I'm taking out a little 'break' so the powers that be, if they decide to sneak onto my computer and check out what I'm doing - there I'm disclosing. I'm taking a break. Take it from my pay if you disapprove so much.

I'm hoping by writing this out that it will cement my willpower. I want to see if I can last a week without talking to him online. I did end up blocking him on msn last night. Let's see if I can last this out. I want to last it out. I really do. I want to prove to myself that I am not tied down to him in any way. In some ways I still want to be friends with him. At the same time I recognise that I cannot be friends with him if I am constantly looking out for something more. If I keep on second-guessing his actions, if I continually analyse his every word and action instead of just letting go, then this will naturally fall apart, as it looked like it was going to on Sunday night when he left. He doesn't know what he wants. He's a very confused boy and that's fine. As long as I know what I want and where I want to stand, I think that will be ok. I don't want to give out anymore. I recognise that in me being friends with him I have to let down some barriers. If I want my best friend back, I have to open up. And I can't open up until I forgive him. Or even accept what has happened, like really accept. This means that I have to stop being bitter. ANd I have to stop feeling so paranoid about how much self-respect I'm giving out.

It is obvious how easily I am getting confused around him. My strong stance constantly crumbles in his presence. My constitution wavers and I fall. I don't want to fall. I want to be strong. If this means that I have to kick him out, then that may well be the final conclusion. I'm still half and half about this. Don't think that just because I've typed it out, that it stands. I'm hoping that in typing it out, it will indeed stand, but yeh. You know me. Constantly changing my mind.

I honestly don't know if it is love that I feel for you. I don't know if it's vanity. I don't know if it's pride. I don't even know if it's the novelty of having this miserable and failed love affair that has led me down this road where I am constantly berating myself and hurting myself emotionally. All I know is that it's time I really try and do something about it. While I still can. We've effectively bridged the communication barrier. We are essentially talking. But I don't want to fall over myself in an attempt to rekindle something. I also know that we can still fall back into that well that we made between the two of us. We can fall back in so easily.

So I think that giving myself some time out will be a good thing. And it's about time I retested myself and see if I come out alright. If in between you end up wondering what happened to me, and it makes you keener to be friends with me, well that's ok too. But to be honest, I think I need some time away to stop loving you. If love is what it is I'm really feeling for you. I honestly don't want to deal with the pain of rejection and getting hurt by you. I don't want you to be friends with me and let everything else go. Not that us being together would be any easier. Sometimes I think it would just be easier to start afresh.

Overall I just find that love is such a complicated feeling. It brings out the best and worst in people, and causes such horrible heartache. I don't want to be privy to any of this. I just want to move on. If it means I have to block everything out I will. I want to stand strong so badly. Yes, I want someone to love me, but at the same time, I want to be wanted the right way. Not this half-hearted confused stuff. Don't think that I'm staying away for your sake. I'm not. If I had it my way I could rub in how much you've hurt me all your life. And I would never tire of it. Because it's true. And I still hurt. I thought I was over it all, but Sunday night proved me wrong.

So I'm staying away for my own sanity.
For my emotional well-being.
For me.

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 4:45 pm 1 comments

Brittle Butterfly

I'm safe tonight. He's celebrating his brother's birthday. So that means that he won't be online tonight. Meantime I'm half and half about everything. Last night I sort've hit a wall that said to me 'just let him go and get on with your life.' and then tonight for two hours I suddenly had the sudden urge/impulse to go over to his house and spend some time with him.

I have been told that I overanalyse this situation way too much than is healthy. Most likely this is true. But if I don't analyse - what else left is there? What on earth am I supposed to do with my time? It's not like I'm constantly occupied. work can get pretty humdrum sometimes.

Sometimes all i want is out of this situation. I don't want to have to deal with anything anymore. I don't want to think and I sicken myself with constantly thinking about this situation. At other times I will suddenly get an impulse to be there and muck around with him.

I know that logically the right way to go about all this is to simply let time be the running factor. I should just take things as they are. And leave it at that.

I just hate how he makes it look so easy. He just acts like nothing ever changed between us. And regardless of whether or not that is, or is not the case, I want him to constantly feel remorse. All that he does instead, is say that it makes it uneasy for him to constantly be told how badly he did wrong. Well you did do wrong. And if i continually harp on about it, part of the reason why is because I still constantly think about it.

I so want to be honest with him and spill everything out and let him know what's going on in my head. But as past experience has shown, it won't help matters much. And there is a high possibility that he won't disclose so much this time around either. I seem to have a tendency to just blurt out whatever is going on in my head at the time. It makes for interesting conversation, but it doesn't make for very practical relationships. Sometimes things are better left unsaid.

I've been telling myself today that I should just go back and block him for a week. Give myself some time back. ANd stop worrying about him. Give myself a little break. I guess. I'm concerned that I'm going back into that state that I was in before, where it may get to the point that I won't have anything to say to him, because anything that comes out of his mouth i will immediately analyse and judge. The irony is that at the beginning I actually really *didn't* care when he left. He'd be all apologetic and stuff, and I'd be like 'you so deserve it' in my head. Last night when he left, my mind was going 'how dare you leave'. It seems I'm just going around in epic circles. And it looks like I've quickly fallen back into the traps of yesterday. And I so don't like where this is going.

What on earth am I going to do with myself? I need something to occupy my mind. I need to get over him and not care anymore whether he comes or goes. That is the best course of action, because quite frankly his actions never reflect his true thoughts or feelings. And I'm tired of second-guessing him.

So the reasonable practical thing is just to let him be.

Now to go about and see if that is even humanly possible.

I want to see him, and at the same time, I so don't.

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 10:56 pm 1 comments

Agitated Butterfly

Damn you. Damn you to hell. I don't know why I'm doing this. Why the hell am I putting myself through such pain? No matter me not telling you anything about whether I officially want you back in my life or not - you still hide everything. Least it seems that way to me.

Maybe I just tend to think and overanalyse too much. Maybe I see things and want to see certain things, and maybe I'm still way too dazzled by all things Hollywood and not enough reality to recognise what it is that I have in front of me.

It just seems like I have to constantly pull answers out of you. At the same time, I know that we work differently and I know that I tend to emotionally wallow a whole lot more than you do. You just pick things up and move on. Your idea of 'action' to prove a point (or make me trust you again) is to be yourself. Doesn't trying to regain trust involve something like doing things a little more spectacular than usual? Doesn't it mean that you try extra hard? What's with this 'I'm not monitoring my behaviour or anything, as it wouldn't be conducive to gaining your trust' attitude? (yes, not your exact words, i paraphrased, but you get my drift).

Why do I constantly feel like... GGrrr! Maybe it would just be easier to kick you aside. I can feel the reins slip away from me. Not because of my own lack of trying. It just seems that the harder I try to grasp and hold on, the faster they slip away from me. Is it love? Is it dignity? Is it pride? What the hell is it? I don't want to constantly feel this way. I don't constantly want to second guess. I just want us to be on the same page. I want to stop analysing everything. I just want you to BE MY FRIEND. And I want to stop hoping for more. I want to stop loving you goddamit so I can bloody move on.

Why??? Why can't I just let go of these sentimental reins and just get off the bloody wagon? Why do I have to put myself through this? Why do I have to give you a second chance even if it's on principle alone. I don't know why I'm giving you this chance. Would you agree that this is your last chance to keep me in your life?

Do you even recognise that in me talking to you, I've had to reconsider and let you in of sorts? Do you recognise what I'm doing? Do you see the actions that I am making, and do you see how that those very actions speak louder than words? Everything seems so shallow and superficial to me. Even though that's what I want. It sounds egoistic to say but, why aren't you crawling? Why aren't you begging for me back? Or is it that I'm doing all the hard yards again for you, and I haven't put you in a position where you need to do that? And if so, why can't I? Why can't I make you beg for mercy? Why can't I have the final cruel streak in me? Why do I have to have things work out in a certain way and try and manipulate it so that my love life will attempt to follow Hollywood's grand designs?

Why can't we see eye to eye on these things? Why do I still feel like I'm begging for your love and attention? Why can't I just get up, pick myself off the floor and just let go? I knew that coming back would be hard. I knew that I was asking for trouble. And here I am. Sitting in bed in the dark typing away here while you're online and remaining quintessentially silent. And of course, with the deadline of you potentially having to go offline soon because your brother's just turned 18 and you can't refuse someone's requests on their birthday. Every time we speak you are still the first to leave.

I ask you how you view/see this thing we have, and you admit that it's awkward dealing with the uncertainty. But you say that overall, it's ok. And that's it. Meanwhile I watch as I attempt to make conversation with you and feel like 1. i'm dominating conversation, and 2. i'm telling you way more than is necessary. how do i get what i want without letting go too much? how do i hold it all in? I rang you up tonight to get directions to my optometrist and somewhere in that phone call i had the insane urge to tell you that i missed you. I just don't know what to do anymore.

I'm so confused.

I'm so hurt.

I'm so tired.

Maybe it's the tiredness that's talking. I originally went to bed. But somehow suddenly woke up and couldn't go back. I figured going online would ease that. and of course the chance that you might be online (since you'd mentioned you might be online earlier in the evening) had a part to play in my decision. maybe even subconciously that was one of the reasons why i woke up from my sleep.

I just hate the feelings that get dredged up around you. I don't know what to do with myself, and I cling so weakly yet steadfastedly to the tatters of that dignity. And i watch in horror and panic as I see some of those strips begin to deteriorate and turn to dust. I'm sure it's all in my mind. And although honesty may be one way to get around that fear, I'm just as terrified. Because each time I am honest with you, each time I disclose to you, I worry that you won't reciprocate. I worry that it is a fatal flaw in my character that I want to spill out everything to you. And you are generally such a closed person. You won't tell me things without prompting. And that makes it unfair to me. Even now, when you so desperately want us to be friends, and you so desperately want to regain my trust. And I bet you won't even come back online and tell me that you've come back from wishing your brother his birthday greetings. At most you'll just come back to tell me that you need to leave. I should disconnect now to save myself the humiliation. I should leave now to regain some brownie points.

Why can't you come after me like my ex did? Why can't you want me so badly that it burns you up inside? Why? You can't even tell me what prompted you to send that email to me.

Do you feel like I am hemming you into a corner? Is it just that I'm picking at a scab that's already half healed? Should I just stop and step away? Maybe I should redelete you from msn and just move on. Trying to gain you back is just too hard.

I just want some clarity. I don't think you really know me at all. And maybe time would give you the insight you need to make me happy. But I don't want time. I just want you. I want you to be that perfect ideal. and i know that sounds so unrealistic. But it's the truth. It's what I want.

Damn you. Damn you to hell.

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 12:14 am 0 comments

Selfish Butterfly

I hate my mood swings. I went out with the family today and watched as I swung from congenial to irritated back to playful before moving on to resentment and then remorse. All in the space of four hours. At the irritated stage I could even feel tears prickling my eyes. *shakes head*

Thinking back the first change was based on the most menial of things. My brother had taken my camera and mucked around with it. And I wanted it back to take a picture of one specific thing that was very time specific (i.e. if he didn't give me the camera NOW, the picture would be lost). Suffice to say he didn't give me the camera in time. And I got so grumpy and irritated. It made me wonder if all 'artistes' if I dare even contemplate lugging myself under that category feel the same sort of agony when their opportunites to capture something are lost. Is there an artistic mood swing that is specific to the creative side in all of us? And if so, is there a pill I can take to alleviate the symptoms?

Over all though, watching my behaviour from an observer's perspective I must admit that I am in fact pretty selfish. You could even go so far as to argue that I am in fact a spoilt brat. At 22, I'm a still a spoilt brat. *sigh*

There's just been so many things running rampant inside my head lately. It's gotten to the point that the little hamster running on the treadmill inside my head doesn't even know what it's doing anymore. it's little 'ham'strings (har har) have just about seized up and cramped. But the wheel keeps on turning. And I/it can't slow down.

So many thoughts battle for prominence. I feel so guilty about taking out all my frustrations on my family. Yet I seem to have this stubborn belief that family is family simply because they will take you as you are. You don't have to show any pretence at home, and if that means you get to throw temper tantrums when things don't go your way so be it. (again, the spoilt brat tag goes here). I watch so many families where the children are so respectful of their elders. Where they don't talk back and accept things meekly, or at the very least will do things for their parents etc. I practically lord over this family. In the last few years I've noticed that I treat everyone as equals, from my mother to my brother I treat them as if they were all on the same level. Well, to an extent anyway. I still boss my little brother around, but in general, like I can hold a conversation with him and stuff. It's not like I patronise him intentionally or anything.

But yeh, I honestly feel the flaws in my character. I can see them as clear as day and I shake my head in remorse. I know that the day my mother passes away I will never forgive myself for my actions. Yet I see the way I treat her and I see the way I am around the house sometimes and I can't seem to stop my actions. Power in the hands of mortals leads to corruption. Always.

And then there's this whole relationship thing. I say that I need space. I say that I need time to sort out my true feelings before I can trust him. And then I watch as I go on msn, and my breath immediately catches in my throat. I start to hyperventilate and my mind starts whirring with a dozen thoughts per milisecond. My heart literally stops for another milisecond when I see his name pop up on msn. Tell me, what the hell is with that? Has my heart already decided that I want him back? Or is it just that I've preprogrammed myself to feel this? Have I argued for so long that if he came back I would accept, that now that he's here (with albeit arguably shady reasons - yes very arguable I know), I go on autopilot?

I know that I don't know what I want. I will be the first to admit it. I'll even sign in blood or immortalise it in plaster if you want. All I know that his return has put me in a spin. I don't think that if he had waited another three months if my reaction would be any different. If in another three months without him I would have decided that my moments of weakness where I break down and cry myself to sleep or tell myself that I want and need him, are just that - moments of weakness that mean nothing in the big scheme of things.

In times of cynicism I laugh at my actions and tell myself that relationships are all just a joke. That once you start and you start realising some of the things you are missing out on, that you become forevermore stuck on that neverending treadmill. There is no moment where you can reach out and press the stop button. Instead you just keep on walking. And the circumstances, be they with different people or simply different circumstances all revolve around the same types of feelings regurgitated over and over again. And as sick as I can get over these feelings of remorse, self-pity, rejection and self-respect, I can't seem to get myself out of this ditch of mine. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just a sucker of tragic circumstances and constantly set myself up for the fall.

I honestly don't know what to do with myself, and as I watch myself interact with him, I wonder if I'm really doing the right thing. It seems like I say one thing and do another. I say I need space, yet every night I go on msn and sit and watch and wait. How pathetic is that? And that's not to argue that I'm not keeping myself open to other people. Maybe what it all comes down to is my own sense of self-worth. I know that life does not revolve around one person. I know that I can be my own person without having constantly needing someone else to validate my existence. Hell, I'll be single for principle alone if necessary. It's just that he's come back in a sense. And while I sit here and sort out what I want to do with him, I also don't have the heart to kick him out for good.

It seems I'm a bit too sentimental for my own good. And no amount of sleep will help me out of this one.

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 4:23 pm 1 comments

Freaked Butterfly

I just realised that if he really wanted to, he could find this blog. *gulp*

Seeing as things are coming back on track he may well get offended to know that I've typed up so much about him and put up so much that perhaps should have been kept quiet. o crap.

I mean, he has a lot of time on his hands. And if he chooses to he can go exploring and through links come back here to find me. And I haven't exactly tried to be very secretive. I didn't even bother changing msn nicknames... I mean I've changed it now, but the link is still so obvious.

At the same time I don't want the knowledge that he could someday come across this hold me back from the purpose of this blog. I use this place as a means to vent and sort out my thoughts and feelings. I don't want him to take this away from me. And I'm not about to move and set up shop elsewhere just because I'm threatened. I want the freedom to express myself and be me. Maybe I should see if I can tweak a few changes. Some things have to stay the way they are. There's no point otherwise. i.e. the whole name thing is so integral to the entire thing, there's no point.

You know, why should i care so much though? I mean, a while ago I had honestly hoped that he would accidently come across this place and realise how much he's hurt me. All the stuff here is honest. I guess I'm freaking because I've posted up some things that aren't exactly good for his character or reputation, despite not naming him. And if he gives out the photoblog address to his friends, even if he doesn't find this page, his friends could. *gulp*

Oh who cares? Why am I even getting involved in all of this? Why cause all this trouble for myself? If he comes, he comes. And he finds out what I really thought of him and what I went through. If he doesn't understand or appreciate that I needed an outlet, then so be it. I never named him here, and while the emails were personal, no one else ever got to know that it was he that wrote them. Ethics and morals my foot. Is it just because it's on the net and available to everyone? Is that what the problem is? That anyone could come across it? But it's not defamation without a name. Or is it just the simple act itself can be construed as a betrayal? If he did that to me, would I get upset? I don't know.

Guess I'll have to think about it.

eeeek.... *Sigh*

Isn't it always like this though? The guilty always see everything so clearly and get so paranoid. We see the links as pretty much obvious. we make jumps of logic that only we can see. Because we know the whole picture.

*sigh*

Looks like I'm trying to play a very dangerous game, walking on the double-edged sword. Trying to keep one side to myself, while maintaining everything else on the side.

Reminds of that old joke about the porcupines if only for the punchline.

Q: "how do porcupines make love?"
A: "very carefully"

*crawls back into emotionally unstable black hole*

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 1:34 pm 0 comments

Careful Butterfly

I have to watch myself. WHo would've thought that two blogs could be so much work? Last night's blog, I nearly blogged up on the photography blog ! *gulp* Goes to show that having similar nicknames on the same blogger site isn't necessarily a good thing. Guess this will remind me to not blog late at night anymore when my faculties aren't in the right order. I can't imagine what chaos I would wreak...

I would've posted up the photoblog elsewhere, except that none of the photoblog sites I found looked pretty enough for me to deign my attention. ha! So blogger it is. I must admit that, it is very character building to take photos. I felt like such an idiot yesterday in the city whipping out my camera trying to take photos. the amount of funny looks and stares I got was absolutely ridiculous. I had to try my best to block them out. I ended up wandering quiet back streets as a means to hide from these judging people. It's always nicer to do things without people looking over your shoulder.

Not much angst today. I had a strange dream that I'm not going into here, but didn't involve him, rather someone else, which makes it all rather disturbing. Not because it wasn't *him*, but because it was this other particular person that I dreamt about. Although if I sit down and psychoanalyse it I'm sure it will all make sense.

I've got to work tonight, so maybe when I come back tonight there will be some work angst. Customer service is so overrated when there are no tips. =P

As to photoblogging, I've got to go a-wandering to see what other subjects I can pick up. Thanks to the encouraging comments. They mean a lot =)

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 11:25 am 0 comments

Progressive Butterfly

It's 2am. I'm talking to him online. He admits that he has never fallen for anyone as hard or as fast before. He acknowledges that I gave out a lot more and was a lot more open than he ever was. It warms my heart to know. At the same time, the question that my head is asking now, is does someone only ever fall hard for someone once in their life? can it be repeated? i want him to fall for me again.

It sounds sick to say. It sounds horrible and very calculating, conniving and cruel.

But you have to admit that a guy wanting you back after all that he did to you and realising that he did wrong is like the perfect balm to even the most intense burn. To be honest, i feel that we have progressed. Not that I will ever say it to him although if he sat down and read between the lines i'm sure he'd have picked it up by now. I guess i'm looking for a promise of something more. But before i choose or decide to honestly remain, I also need to deal and prepare myself for acknowledging that he could still leave me. That's enough for tonight i think.

It's 2.30 now, and I need some sleep. I've spent the entire night playing around on my photoblog. hee hee. Oh i guess i should also point out that i gave him the address to the photoblog. the link to here and there is only one way. i.e. there is no link back from there to here. so i should be relatively safe. although i may be tempting fate a little. I must point out that everything is very much up in the air and that I am assuming a lot of things. a *lot* of things. he's still sorting himself out and what went wrong between us. So for that alone, I shouldn't get my hopes up and realise that things can still change (and with reason and legitimacy). Remember this.

O vanity, thou art my downfall.

and on that note, I'm going to bed.

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 2:34 am 2 comments

Bending Butterfly

Still listening to my Dashboard Cd, and still finding parallels in every line of lyric.

Today's insight is from Bend and not Break. If I understand him and all that he was telling me on Monday night correctly, this song would suit him a to a T...

"I catalog these steps now, decisive and intentioned,
precise and patterned specifically to yours.

I'm talented at breathing, especially exhaling,
so that my chest will rise and fall with yours.

I'm careful not to wake you, fearing conversation.
It's better just to hold you and keep you pacified.

I'm talented with reason, I cover all the angles.
I can fail before I ever try.

Try to understand, there is an old mistake that fools will make.
And I'm the king of them, pushing everything that's good away.
So won't you hold me now? I will not bend, I will not break.
Won't you hold me now? For you I rise for you I fall.

I am fairy agile. I can bend and not break.
Or I can break and take it with a smile.

I am so resilient. I recover quickly.
I'll convince you soon that I am fine."

Dashboard Confessional - Bend and not Break

If I am to believe these lyrics, then what does this mean? Can you understand why I am in such a spin? After three months of harbouring angst, anger, bitterness and resentment, I am suddenly faced with the chance to wipe it all away. And though these lyrics may bring tears to my eyes, I am still not 100% sure whether I can let it all go and forgive him.

I don't know if I can trust you or not.

For every moment that I communicate with you, I get this terrible quaking feeling inside, fearing that I will open myself up again to be hurt by you. I am terrified that I will again find myself begging for something that you do not want. I am petrified that I will yet again lose the little self-respect that I have scrabbled together over time. You hold the weapon that can break down the tenuous wall that I have erected over the last few weeks. Within these walls I have found solace of sorts, secure in the knowledge, or convinced by my delusions at least, that you are not worthy of my friendship and love. That I can in fact live without you and survive quite happily.

Yet, as you have not yet rebuilt your walls, you are, or appear to be, or at least in my demented state seem to be telling me that you want to tear back open those walls and begin anew. And because of my wavering constitution I find myself considering your request.

How do I know what is best for me? What are the best actions for my emotional stability and mental sanity?

I wonder if listening to all these emo cds really helps. *rueful smile*

Anyhow, back to work. Reports, reports, shumorts...

bah...

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 9:48 am 2 comments

Photographing Butterfly

I've decided to cave in to the photo-blogging phenomenon. See link to right (under In Other News). Or if you're too lazy, go here. I've had my digital camera for so long, and have been continually taking pictures. I've been itching for an outlet for them, and in a desperate attempt to continually occupy myself instead of moping waiting for him to come online so I can talk to him, or even have this situation constantly floating around in my head, I decided I may as well fold.

And anyway, there's nothing like wanna-be artistes. Who says we don't all have a desire to be creative or artistic? Whether that is in fact true is another story altogether. Meanwhile, just let us live out our imaginary lives, huh?

Back to my situation though, I'm still trying to figure out where we stand. It's my call this time round. I've made it clear, and I know that he accepts it so. I was talking to my best friend on email today at work, and she commented that my actions can generate three potential scenarios:

1. I find someone new
2. He finds someone new
3. We both get back together

They are the three options that can occur. It may seem obvious, but I find it very fitting (i.e. I never saw it in that light before). Now the problem is whether or not I can handle all three scenarios should they occur. My first response to these three scenarios are:

1. Bring them on
2. Not too thrilled about that. And if we are to be friends, this will probably hurt me quite a lot to know that he can find someone outside of me.
3. What my delusions are tending towards

I think that as long as I can figure out what how to deal with all three scenarios, I will have it made. In the meantime, while I ponder, I maintain contact. There was a bout of sms conversation going on today. My phone bill is going to be shot by the time this month is over. Come on November 23, I need this phone period to be over.

There is more to blog on the work angst front, but I'm too excited by the prospect of customising and decorating my photoblog right now to bother. Least this will keep me occupied for a little while. After all, emotional angst can only get you so far.

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 9:57 pm 0 comments

Battling Butterfly

It's not that I'm angry, and it's not really that I'm bitter. I'm just confused. WHere do I go from here? Three months ago I was so upset and hurt. All I wanted to know was why. WHy did it have to end that way? WHy did it hurt so much? WHy couldn't we remain? Then somewhere in October I snapped and went, 'fine, leave me. I don't care, I have things to do and a life to live' and went straight from angsty pathetic to angry and bitter.

Today I essentially have all the answers that I was looking for in September. It ended because he couldn't handle the pressure. It hurt because I loved him, he'd chucked away my self respect, and he chose to go away. It hurt because I lost. WE couldn't remain because he fell apart and couldn't handle the idea and pressure of us being together. NOthing he could have done could have saved us. THe only way it could have worked was if we had both agreed to wait. And impulses and emotion overrode and lack of will meant that we let it all slide. Both are at fault. It wasn't just one of us, it was both of us. But damned if I'll ever tell him that or ever admit it to his face.

The question it seems now is whether or not I want him in my life. All my fantasies about us being more can only come into reality if we become friends first. I have to be able to accept him back into my life, and also accept that there is a strong chance that we will never be more than friends. I don't think he will ever know what it is he really wants with me. His idea of friendship and love is so convoluted and complex. I for one am not volunteering to unravel it.

So if i'm asking myself where do we go from here, the answer is we go from wherever I feel comfortable with. If i can accept us as friends only, then we become friends. If i feel that I cannot accept friendship, then that's the end.

The catch is that the bitterness was so strong it permeated every fibre and pore of my thinking processes. It's very hard sometimes to put the machete down and come to the table to talk it out and shake hands like civilised people. Bitterness and anger were such strong emotions in my psyche and I revelled in the legitimate ability to harbour antagnostic thoughts and feelings towards someone. Finally i could indulge in misery like a pig wallowing in a mud pen. I can feel buckets of self-pity and be justified and have sympathetic voices at my door. I was not a 'loser' (although i'm sure some will argue otherwise) as much as I was victim to a cruel and heartless boy.

But today I know the answer. Today I know the truth. Assuming of course that he isn't playing with me. But no, he's not that conniving. And what to do with that truth? Where do I go? What can I accept?

I have had someone today suggest that I use the well-worn theory of Time to let things heal and pass me by. I agree in some form. TIme has allowed me to heal to the point where I can go about and do my work and still be happy. At the same time, his current presence in my life brings about paradoxical feelings in me and they constantly battle against each other. The once-fallen and believed buried emotions of love have resurfaced to fight another day with my five headed dragon (anger, bitterness, hurt, spite and resentment). Meanwhile it's self-pity that seems to be umpiring. And all the other split personalities are simply the spectators in this blood sport.

I guess one mode of action is to simply continue down this path slowly and see where it goes. While my feelings fight it out I'll continue talking to him. I was rereading the msn conversation last night before going to bed, and noted that most of my replies to him were fairly hostile. I give him credit for sticking it through and continuing to talk to me. At the same time, now, three months later, I wonder if I have changed any. If my actions and my attitude towards things that reflect his nature have hardened. Or if I am still the same, despite the anger, bitterness and resentment that broils underneath the surface. I will have to ask him one day - but not anytime soon. After all you can't make judgements just on two conversations now can you?

I doubt very much I have changed all that much though. I, the emotionally-stunted in a constant state of denial would rather push on and move on than have to sit, wallow and sort out what i went wrong and accept. If anything, the only accepting I have been doing is simply shoving it all in the cupboard under the sink. Emotional growth cannot be so easily acquired.

When thinking about the potential for us to be friends, I am reminded of a passage in one of my astrology books a while ago. I posted it up here in September (astrological butterfly). Of note is this passage:

"Friendships in this combination also have the capacity to be deep. It is the Sagittarius-Capricorn who is likely to rise in stature in the eyes of the Taurus -Gemini, and through their relationship, much like the statue in George Bernard Shaw's Pygmalion and like Eliza Doolittle in My Fair Lady. Unfortunately when the statue becomes real and comes down off its pedestal, the sculptor gets left in the lurch when his beautiful creation walks out the door. Attachments and subsequent breakups here can be extremely painful."

The thing is though, I already dealt with the painful breakup. I moved on. Or am i deluding myself? Obviously he is experiencing first hand the reality of my departure. But I came to a conclusion a few weeks ago that no matter what that book says, he's not that great a person, and does not deserve my time or effort. He is nobody in the face of my life. If he could hurt me like that, then why should I constantly debase myself in front of him? I am better than him in all respects.

Yet, here I am reconsidering my decisions. Reconsidering my conclusions. Am I tempting fate by reconsidering, and is this temptation a good thing? Or is it always bad to gamble with matters of love, friendship and all manner of relationships?

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 2:08 pm 0 comments

Problematic Butterfly

I was sitting on the train this morning thinking. We’re over. It can’t work. He doesn’t know what he wants, and I don’t think he will know for a long time. It seems so sad to know that it's all over. That something that had that much potential just sort've fizzled and died. And it's not even because of me. It's because of him, so I have no control over it whatsoever. yes things often come at a risk sometimes, but still, I never thought/realised that in us going so fast then, that things couldn't be salvageable now.

There's no way that I can change his mind. I can't make him love me. It takes too much effort. And like my best friend pointed out - why stick to something that's going to be so hard to make work? He's not interested anyway. So what's the point?

Yes we could start becoming friends again, but what's in it for me? There are no guarantees. If I go back into this with the thought that we may still have potential I’m just setting myself up for the fall.

What am I doing to do? What do I do when all I want to do is run into his arms and wish that we could start over again. I just want to hug him and tell him that everything's ok, and that we will work out.

But the sad reality is, he doesn't know what he wants. He doesn't know what he wants from a relationship and he's so sure that our outlooks on relationships are so different that there is no way that it would work out.

I don't want to beg anymore.

...what am I going to do?

I was listening to Dashboard on the train this morning, and the song 'As Lovers Go' popped up. If only realities followed the same trajectory as certain sets of song lyrics. If only life echoed scenarios played out in songs.

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 9:18 am 0 comments

Wondering Butterfly

I did manage to find and talk to him online tonight. two hours worth, give or take. Sorting and discussing things through. Basically the conclusion I've come away with in my head is that we both sort've stuffed things up in the relationship. There was no easy conclusion to what happened, and I think in some ways that he did right by us, if only because he left when my thesis was still kind've salvageable. If he had left any later, my thesis would have been in shreds. As it stands, it was probably for the best that he left when he did. Not that I admitted this to him. Last thing I want is to lessen his guilt for him.

He's basically told me a few basic truths that I kind've already know about. I think that if become friends, there is still the possibility that we could be more - and i think that's what i'm really after anyway. Maybe it's not a matter of winning or losing after all (or at least, not a matter so long as *i'm* the one that's winning...)

I basically told him why i'm so upset and what made me so upset. I explained why I got so angry at his last email and I've gotten out of him where he stands with everything. It was interesting to note that he said to me that my strong bitterness towards him is something that he's learning to deal with. After tonight I wonder if that bitterness still stands. I don't know if this amounts to closure, but at the very least I understand a few more things. At the very least I appreciate his honesty. I specifically requested no bravado. And he came through on that front.

The question herein lies now: what exactly do I want? Can I accept that we may well never be? That we will only be friends? What will happen when he finds a girl that he knows he wants to settle down with? What will happen when that girl turns out not to be me? Do I want to put myself through more emotional trauma and heartache? Do I want to have him constantly in my life as a reminder of what I can't have? Is his friendship worth all this pain?

He doesn't want to put me through all of this again, and he never mentioned a relationship as potential for us because he didn't feel that he could offer me a relationship. Which is fair in its own way. But at the same time, it's not what I want.

Does understanding of a situation breed trust and acceptance? Can i start accepting the friendship because I now know where he stands on things? Where do I want to go from here? What is it that I want? What is it that I can accept?

Maybe common acquaintences with barbed/veiled stabs at him will be the best that we can be. I don't see myself being particularly sympathetic towards him any time soon.

Despite everything though, despite all our mistakes, we had potential. I didn't get around to telling him different attitudes to relationships can still be salvageable. That point is actually bugging me.

Anyhow, I would love to rattle on but the sleepy headache is coming on again. and it's after midnight. I have to work again tomorrow =S. And it looks like tomorrow will be a LONG day.

*gulp*

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 1:17 am 0 comments