Wondering Butterfly
I did manage to find and talk to him online tonight. two hours worth, give or take. Sorting and discussing things through. Basically the conclusion I've come away with in my head is that we both sort've stuffed things up in the relationship. There was no easy conclusion to what happened, and I think in some ways that he did right by us, if only because he left when my thesis was still kind've salvageable. If he had left any later, my thesis would have been in shreds. As it stands, it was probably for the best that he left when he did. Not that I admitted this to him. Last thing I want is to lessen his guilt for him.He's basically told me a few basic truths that I kind've already know about. I think that if become friends, there is still the possibility that we could be more - and i think that's what i'm really after anyway. Maybe it's not a matter of winning or losing after all (or at least, not a matter so long as *i'm* the one that's winning...)
I basically told him why i'm so upset and what made me so upset. I explained why I got so angry at his last email and I've gotten out of him where he stands with everything. It was interesting to note that he said to me that my strong bitterness towards him is something that he's learning to deal with. After tonight I wonder if that bitterness still stands. I don't know if this amounts to closure, but at the very least I understand a few more things. At the very least I appreciate his honesty. I specifically requested no bravado. And he came through on that front.
The question herein lies now: what exactly do I want? Can I accept that we may well never be? That we will only be friends? What will happen when he finds a girl that he knows he wants to settle down with? What will happen when that girl turns out not to be me? Do I want to put myself through more emotional trauma and heartache? Do I want to have him constantly in my life as a reminder of what I can't have? Is his friendship worth all this pain?
He doesn't want to put me through all of this again, and he never mentioned a relationship as potential for us because he didn't feel that he could offer me a relationship. Which is fair in its own way. But at the same time, it's not what I want.
Does understanding of a situation breed trust and acceptance? Can i start accepting the friendship because I now know where he stands on things? Where do I want to go from here? What is it that I want? What is it that I can accept?
Maybe common acquaintences with barbed/veiled stabs at him will be the best that we can be. I don't see myself being particularly sympathetic towards him any time soon.
Despite everything though, despite all our mistakes, we had potential. I didn't get around to telling him different attitudes to relationships can still be salvageable. That point is actually bugging me.
Anyhow, I would love to rattle on but the sleepy headache is coming on again. and it's after midnight. I have to work again tomorrow =S. And it looks like tomorrow will be a LONG day.
*gulp*
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 1:17 am
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