Agitated Butterfly
Damn you. Damn you to hell. I don't know why I'm doing this. Why the hell am I putting myself through such pain? No matter me not telling you anything about whether I officially want you back in my life or not - you still hide everything. Least it seems that way to me.Maybe I just tend to think and overanalyse too much. Maybe I see things and want to see certain things, and maybe I'm still way too dazzled by all things Hollywood and not enough reality to recognise what it is that I have in front of me.
It just seems like I have to constantly pull answers out of you. At the same time, I know that we work differently and I know that I tend to emotionally wallow a whole lot more than you do. You just pick things up and move on. Your idea of 'action' to prove a point (or make me trust you again) is to be yourself. Doesn't trying to regain trust involve something like doing things a little more spectacular than usual? Doesn't it mean that you try extra hard? What's with this 'I'm not monitoring my behaviour or anything, as it wouldn't be conducive to gaining your trust' attitude? (yes, not your exact words, i paraphrased, but you get my drift).
Why do I constantly feel like... GGrrr! Maybe it would just be easier to kick you aside. I can feel the reins slip away from me. Not because of my own lack of trying. It just seems that the harder I try to grasp and hold on, the faster they slip away from me. Is it love? Is it dignity? Is it pride? What the hell is it? I don't want to constantly feel this way. I don't constantly want to second guess. I just want us to be on the same page. I want to stop analysing everything. I just want you to BE MY FRIEND. And I want to stop hoping for more. I want to stop loving you goddamit so I can bloody move on.
Why??? Why can't I just let go of these sentimental reins and just get off the bloody wagon? Why do I have to put myself through this? Why do I have to give you a second chance even if it's on principle alone. I don't know why I'm giving you this chance. Would you agree that this is your last chance to keep me in your life?
Do you even recognise that in me talking to you, I've had to reconsider and let you in of sorts? Do you recognise what I'm doing? Do you see the actions that I am making, and do you see how that those very actions speak louder than words? Everything seems so shallow and superficial to me. Even though that's what I want. It sounds egoistic to say but, why aren't you crawling? Why aren't you begging for me back? Or is it that I'm doing all the hard yards again for you, and I haven't put you in a position where you need to do that? And if so, why can't I? Why can't I make you beg for mercy? Why can't I have the final cruel streak in me? Why do I have to have things work out in a certain way and try and manipulate it so that my love life will attempt to follow Hollywood's grand designs?
Why can't we see eye to eye on these things? Why do I still feel like I'm begging for your love and attention? Why can't I just get up, pick myself off the floor and just let go? I knew that coming back would be hard. I knew that I was asking for trouble. And here I am. Sitting in bed in the dark typing away here while you're online and remaining quintessentially silent. And of course, with the deadline of you potentially having to go offline soon because your brother's just turned 18 and you can't refuse someone's requests on their birthday. Every time we speak you are still the first to leave.
I ask you how you view/see this thing we have, and you admit that it's awkward dealing with the uncertainty. But you say that overall, it's ok. And that's it. Meanwhile I watch as I attempt to make conversation with you and feel like 1. i'm dominating conversation, and 2. i'm telling you way more than is necessary. how do i get what i want without letting go too much? how do i hold it all in? I rang you up tonight to get directions to my optometrist and somewhere in that phone call i had the insane urge to tell you that i missed you. I just don't know what to do anymore.
I'm so confused.
I'm so hurt.
I'm so tired.
Maybe it's the tiredness that's talking. I originally went to bed. But somehow suddenly woke up and couldn't go back. I figured going online would ease that. and of course the chance that you might be online (since you'd mentioned you might be online earlier in the evening) had a part to play in my decision. maybe even subconciously that was one of the reasons why i woke up from my sleep.
I just hate the feelings that get dredged up around you. I don't know what to do with myself, and I cling so weakly yet steadfastedly to the tatters of that dignity. And i watch in horror and panic as I see some of those strips begin to deteriorate and turn to dust. I'm sure it's all in my mind. And although honesty may be one way to get around that fear, I'm just as terrified. Because each time I am honest with you, each time I disclose to you, I worry that you won't reciprocate. I worry that it is a fatal flaw in my character that I want to spill out everything to you. And you are generally such a closed person. You won't tell me things without prompting. And that makes it unfair to me. Even now, when you so desperately want us to be friends, and you so desperately want to regain my trust. And I bet you won't even come back online and tell me that you've come back from wishing your brother his birthday greetings. At most you'll just come back to tell me that you need to leave. I should disconnect now to save myself the humiliation. I should leave now to regain some brownie points.
Why can't you come after me like my ex did? Why can't you want me so badly that it burns you up inside? Why? You can't even tell me what prompted you to send that email to me.
Do you feel like I am hemming you into a corner? Is it just that I'm picking at a scab that's already half healed? Should I just stop and step away? Maybe I should redelete you from msn and just move on. Trying to gain you back is just too hard.
I just want some clarity. I don't think you really know me at all. And maybe time would give you the insight you need to make me happy. But I don't want time. I just want you. I want you to be that perfect ideal. and i know that sounds so unrealistic. But it's the truth. It's what I want.
Damn you. Damn you to hell.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 12:14 am
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