Progressive Butterfly
It's 2am. I'm talking to him online. He admits that he has never fallen for anyone as hard or as fast before. He acknowledges that I gave out a lot more and was a lot more open than he ever was. It warms my heart to know. At the same time, the question that my head is asking now, is does someone only ever fall hard for someone once in their life? can it be repeated? i want him to fall for me again.
It sounds sick to say. It sounds horrible and very calculating, conniving and cruel.
But you have to admit that a guy wanting you back after all that he did to you and realising that he did wrong is like the perfect balm to even the most intense burn. To be honest, i feel that we have progressed. Not that I will ever say it to him although if he sat down and read between the lines i'm sure he'd have picked it up by now. I guess i'm looking for a promise of something more. But before i choose or decide to honestly remain, I also need to deal and prepare myself for acknowledging that he could still leave me. That's enough for tonight i think.
It's 2.30 now, and I need some sleep. I've spent the entire night playing around on my photoblog. hee hee. Oh i guess i should also point out that i gave him the address to the photoblog. the link to here and there is only one way. i.e. there is no link back from there to here. so i should be relatively safe. although i may be tempting fate a little. I must point out that everything is very much up in the air and that I am assuming a lot of things. a *lot* of things. he's still sorting himself out and what went wrong between us. So for that alone, I shouldn't get my hopes up and realise that things can still change (and with reason and legitimacy). Remember this.
O vanity, thou art my downfall.
and on that note, I'm going to bed.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 2:34 am
2 Comments:
Hi Jay,
thanks for your words of wisdom. in following your points I can see how in me giving out, you could technically argue that i was the wronged one, and that I did everything in faith (and therefore, right).
i wonder though whether I can apply your theory to the here and now. i mean, *i* can, but whether or not *he* can is a different story entirely.
Having come out of this, I am hesitant to go back in. vanity and pride pushes me along, but I must say that I do wonder whether i should in fact go back. I have made a few interesting obvservations about the current 'relationship' i guess you could arguably call it. relationship being code word for friendship, interaction, communication, or whatever else you want to lump underneath it. basically what i'm trying to get at, is that in coming out on this side, I hesitate to go back in and be trapped by love.
When you're in love you will do practically anything to keep that person by you - to the point of changing yourself. and i did. i'd like to think that i really did open up and was not afraid to. but right now, i am. i am terrified of opening up. i watch myself do it sometimes and let my guard down a little. but it's hard to keep the control and make sure that the waters don't gush out and bring down the dam.
i am curious - and forgive me for my curiousity, you can choose to abstain from giving me details or answering. I was just wondering when you say that you have fallen hard and fast more than once - was it over the same person? the reason i ask, is because when i blogged last night, it was in reference to him. i wonder if he can in fact fall back in love with me at all? or if his realisation about how much he hurt me will stop him from ever loving me that way again.
thank you for taking the time out to comment, and thank you for the encouragement. best wishes with your life also. =)
Hi Jay,
I relate to your comment about never entering the same henhouse twice. I read somewhere once that you should only ever go back to a relationship if there are differences in the situation. i.e. only ever contemplate going back if circumstances have changed, and there is the possibility that things will be different the second time round.
So in trying to apply this theory to me, I note that we no longer have the thesis hanging over our heads. That's not to say that other things can be just as difficult (if not more difficult and streneous) can occur to break us apart. But you have to admit that circumstances are a little different this time around.
The main issue between us, or at least as we have discussed between ourselves is that despite being friends originally, there were often many obstacles in the way of us getting together. And so a lot of assumptions about each other were made. And while we acknowledged that there were siginificant differences between us on our outlooks on life, at the end of the day, the combined stress of the thesis and his own inability to handle it all as well as me, coagulated to form this messy breakup that basically tore me apart.
In this sense, it both gives me pause as well as gives me reason to reconsider going back to him (if that's even a legitimate response, as maybe we could argue that I already have technically 'gone back' to him).
Anyhow, I appreciate you pointing out the various theories surrounding whether we should in fact fall for the same person twice. Sometimes the second time around is that much more fulfilling (or so they say), but I don't know if I can handle this. And i guess the wise thing to do is not progress anywhere near there until I know for sure. But the in-between, the sorting out and the thinking through sure is a lot harder to accomplish than actually typing out the words. *rueful smile*
Umm, one more thing. I'm a little confused. You said that if DID find this site, honesty is the best policy and it would put me on a more even playing field - meaning I should only let him know about this blog when he stumbles across it? Or that I should tell him upfront now so that he knows that i've basically dished out most of the dirt on him and made it accessible to the international community without his consent already? *grin*
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