Brittle Butterfly
I'm safe tonight. He's celebrating his brother's birthday. So that means that he won't be online tonight. Meantime I'm half and half about everything. Last night I sort've hit a wall that said to me 'just let him go and get on with your life.' and then tonight for two hours I suddenly had the sudden urge/impulse to go over to his house and spend some time with him.I have been told that I overanalyse this situation way too much than is healthy. Most likely this is true. But if I don't analyse - what else left is there? What on earth am I supposed to do with my time? It's not like I'm constantly occupied. work can get pretty humdrum sometimes.
Sometimes all i want is out of this situation. I don't want to have to deal with anything anymore. I don't want to think and I sicken myself with constantly thinking about this situation. At other times I will suddenly get an impulse to be there and muck around with him.
I know that logically the right way to go about all this is to simply let time be the running factor. I should just take things as they are. And leave it at that.
I just hate how he makes it look so easy. He just acts like nothing ever changed between us. And regardless of whether or not that is, or is not the case, I want him to constantly feel remorse. All that he does instead, is say that it makes it uneasy for him to constantly be told how badly he did wrong. Well you did do wrong. And if i continually harp on about it, part of the reason why is because I still constantly think about it.
I so want to be honest with him and spill everything out and let him know what's going on in my head. But as past experience has shown, it won't help matters much. And there is a high possibility that he won't disclose so much this time around either. I seem to have a tendency to just blurt out whatever is going on in my head at the time. It makes for interesting conversation, but it doesn't make for very practical relationships. Sometimes things are better left unsaid.
I've been telling myself today that I should just go back and block him for a week. Give myself some time back. ANd stop worrying about him. Give myself a little break. I guess. I'm concerned that I'm going back into that state that I was in before, where it may get to the point that I won't have anything to say to him, because anything that comes out of his mouth i will immediately analyse and judge. The irony is that at the beginning I actually really *didn't* care when he left. He'd be all apologetic and stuff, and I'd be like 'you so deserve it' in my head. Last night when he left, my mind was going 'how dare you leave'. It seems I'm just going around in epic circles. And it looks like I've quickly fallen back into the traps of yesterday. And I so don't like where this is going.
What on earth am I going to do with myself? I need something to occupy my mind. I need to get over him and not care anymore whether he comes or goes. That is the best course of action, because quite frankly his actions never reflect his true thoughts or feelings. And I'm tired of second-guessing him.
So the reasonable practical thing is just to let him be.
Now to go about and see if that is even humanly possible.
I want to see him, and at the same time, I so don't.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 10:56 pm
1 Comments:
Hi Jay,
Why should I be mad? I get comments on my site! And they're useful comments/advice to boot. No matter what I say about fears of censorship and betraying intimate trust, the fact that I am still blogging means that deep down I am looking for advice. I am looking for a place to vent out all my angst and frustration. And if people come across it and want to help me take off the some of the burden. By all means, bring it on.
Thanks Jamie for your comment. I'm going to go away and think about things for a little while. But I may well take you up on that offer about emailing if that's ok with you. I'll see how things go =)
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