Killing Butterfly
I spent my lunchbreak in a bookstore. As often happens with me, I somehow wind my way to the astrology section and take a look at what they say about you and me. I'm getting back to the frustrating stage it seems, because as I open the relevant pages my mind starts to shy away from reading. It seems I'm getting sick of analysing this situation. And perhaps it's about time I just let things be and quit stirring up the pond. If I really want to drink the damn water, I have to let it sit first. Instead I just seem to be constantly poking it with a stick and digging up sediment.After reading the relevant pages I threw down the book in disgust. My immediate thoughts were 'so what if we could be good together? It's not what you want.' And in doing so, it seems I have found my rut. One part of me believes that you no longer want to be any more than friends. And I resent you for it. I despise the fact that you can not want more from us. from me. I am not so bad that you dare have the gall to reject me. In fact, it should be the other way around. Instead, in your heart of hearts it seems that you no longer want me. And that hurts.
At the same time, you have been trying to tell me the last few days/weeks that you want us to be friends again. and you imply (perhaps) that in order for anything else to happen, first we have to be friends. Hell, I even acknowledged that in order for anything to ever happen between us, first we have to be friends.
Perhaps what I resent overall is your lack of trying. You pretend that being yourself is sufficient to keep me. Yet you seem to conveniently forget that it was you being essentially you (Mr. Selfish I want it all, and I don't know what I really want) that got us in this mess in the first place. There seems to be no way around this problem other than through it. And through it, as in, throw this out and get on with life. It seems such a pity and such a waste that we can throw such a friendship away. But to be honest, I think that we won't ever really get past it all. You might. But I won't. This is of course, assuming that I be really honest with myself. In times of foolishness (like last night) I wanted to talk to you. I wanted the contact. But at other times when I'm by myself and mediating on the situation, I have to admit that I find it hard to let go of the barriers. ANd it seems that you choose to do nothing.
You may argue that you in fact do not know what to do. You don't know how to breach that breakage of trust. You don't know how to fix things. So instead, you try by just being friends. Are we in fact going back in a circle? In trying to fix things are you essentially trying to push everything under the rug again? Or is that the only way that things can progress? It doesn't matter that we have progressed in a sense. I don't want to give you any more satisfaction than you already have. I don't want to beg for your friendship and love. I don't want to be the one doing all the work. I just want to be myself and be loved for it. I want the undying devotion. I want the tenderness. Maybe what I want is not attainable.
I don't think you will ever be what I want or need. You may give out a facade of something that I would like to experience. But each time I go back, perhaps you will only remind me why I left. You can't help the way that you handle things. You can't help that there are things about you that get under my skin and irritate me. And as much as I'd like to be friends with you, I think that I moved on a long time ago, but I was just in denial. And the fact that you came back in a way, made it even harder for me to realise what had essentially happened.
I have spent so long telling myself that you are not worthy of my friendship and love. Why should I deign myself upon the likes of you? When you dare not even come up to me to talk. When you do not even attempt to bridge the gap between us? When you think that being yourself is enough. When in all sense I feel/think/believe that if I were in your situation I would try to atone for my sins. So to speak.
I want you to constantly beg for forgiveness. I want the power that indifference brings.
But I don't have it.
Despite my vindictive streak. Besides my cruel maniuplative side, it seems that paradoxically I do not have a truly mean bone in my body. And this disturbs me. It disturbs me that I cannot truly make you hurt. It disturbs me that I cannot make a clean cut. It disturbs me that I do not like breaking people. And it frustrates me to no end, that I have a conscience.
You aren't online tonight. Which is a good thing. I have been thinking of just letting this friendship fade away. Now that we've attempted to mend bridges perhaps its time to just let things slide. I can't be friends with you. Not the way that you and I both want. I don't trust you. I can talk with you, but I will always second guess your motives. You are not the type to declare devoting love. You are not the type to tell me that you've loved me all along and have been too scared to show it.
I know there is a strong chance that if we ever got back together, that you will turn around one day and tell me that you've stopped loving me. And in doing so, I will die a thousand deaths and still yearn for release. I don't want to face that day. In some way I guess I want to bypass that altogether. I know that I can learn a lot from you. But I no longer feel the steadiness that once surrounded you. I no longer see the aura of reliability and assurance. All I see is uncertainty. And by extension, my own pain.
In some ways you could even argue that we were a tragedy waiting to happen. Tragic circumstances that can no longer be changed. I wonder if I should give you closure. Or if I should just let things lie the way they are. It seems that I could be justified either way. Giving you closure would naturally be the honourable thing to do. However, even if I didn't, I would still be justified, in that it would only amount to a small amount of the heartache that you have put me through.
No matter your justifications about how much you want for us to work, and for me to stay in your life, I somehow don't feel that I can trust you. I have no idea how you could try and make it work. You hurt me too much. You cut me too deep. I don't think I can ever open up to you like that again. Not without fear of losing myself completely to you. And when/should that happen, the day that you decide that we are through forever - my life will be over.
Call me a coward - and I will admit it freely. but honestly, I don't think I dare open my heart up to you again. You hurt my self-respect in ways that I cannot even begin to explain. I may seem dramatic, and it may be that everyone who has ever had their heart broken feels the same way that I do. But that is them, and this is me. Not to detract from anyone else's pain.
But to be honest. These days every time I think of love, all I see is the risk of heartache. Everyone falls in love only to fall out love. And the falling out is ten times worse the love itself. Or so it seems to me. Perhaps I am focusing on the negative. All I know is that right now, I do not see the point of ever loving anyone ever again. It all just seems to be a horrible joke that was placed upon us mortal beings. Why do we need to experience love? When all it brings is pain? It doesn't matter that I had moments with him that exceeded all expectations. The knowledge that he chose something inanimate over me, the fact that I was cast aside and made to feel unworthy usurps any good will I have towards him. The uncertainty of love and the knowledge that things between us will never be assured kills me.
Maybe in some ways, I am already dead.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 11:05 pm
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home