At the Edge of the Abyss: Self-Destructive Butterfly

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Self-Destructive Butterfly

I am in a self-destructive mood today. I even took up the offer on the rounds of coffee going around. Although maybe that’s not the best idea. I just want out of this mood. I want out of this funk.

I know what’s best for me, but I can’t help but feel the twinges that come with throwing something away like this. I know I’ve done quite a bit wrong in this process. And I know that I have not been as open as I could have/should have been over his suggestions.

Honestly I’m not really in that same place that I was three months ago when I chose the silent treatment because I wanted more. Those feelings have watered down a bit. Now I think it’s just vanity that has made me act the way I do. How dare he not feel remorse and want me? After I wanted him so badly.

So I’ve been a bad sport in all of this also.

But I think that I’ve hid it well. And he won’t ever know. I don’t know if it’s good or bad that I’ve shifted the blame onto him.

I feel self-destructive today.

Maybe it’s just best that you don’t mess with me today.

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~~ * ~ * ~ Love & Angst ~ * ~ * ~~

Love and Angst.

The most universal and cliched of all emotions as experienced through the heart of an oftentime emotionally issue-laden butterfly.

"I'm just an emotional rollercoaster junkie with a severe and deathly strain of hypocrisy."

"Statements need to be spoken so that you know what they are.
Words bring you closer to yourself."
(anonymous)

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.

[Cynically] Smiling
Astrological Forecasts
At Rock Bottom
Dancing in the Depths of Darkness
Infektion
Prahadream
Sketches of the Mind
Tequila Mockingbird
Zan

I battle through these thunderclouds
To find my way to fields of gold
Somehow

Pilate - Mercy

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Everybody seems so happy like they all share
something I haven't felt for years.
For long I've tried to
just hold on but now I don't care
I'm closing down my thoughts and fears.

Forgive me, life is cruel.
I'm leaving you.

Hear you little brother me,
you know I'm sorry,
for every high hand.
Give my love to mother,
please tell her not to worry.
I hope she'll understand.

Millencolin - Farewell My Hell

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Caught in the deep
Wait for a sign
I couldn't keep the flowers under my pillow
Alive

Falling asleep, with half-open eyes
I want to see the lights of San Francisco
At night

Wait, but I won't say that I'm sorry
Watch as I burn my bridges down
And all the time I kept it inside
You leave me no room to bleed

Close to the chest and near to the ground
It's for the best if all the flood gates around me
Are down
If all that you see has left you unchanged
What did you mean when you said that I was bleeding
In vain

Wait, and
I'm living underwater
Watch while I burn my bridges down
The words that I say and the hurt goes away
You leave me no room to bleed
But somewhere inside I'm still on the line
You leave me no room to bleed
Wait on the landscape that I'm breaking
Watch as I burn my bridges down

And I've tried to run but now I'm all done
You leave me no room to bleed
You leave me no room to bleed

Ben Lee - No Room to Bleed

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Even the smallest thing
could be enough for you,
Still it was too hard for me to give.
Even the smallest thing
could break your heart in two,
No wonder why it's hard for you to live.

Just like I turn you down,
I always shut you out.
No matter who I blame you're not around,
I can not turn back time,
I can not change a thing.
No matter what they say,
I shut you out.

Even the smallest thing
could make your day complete,
I've never seen a bigger smile than yours.
Even the smallest thing
could wipe you off your feet,
When no one's catching you,
you hit the floor.

Just like I turn you down,
I always shut you out.
No matter who I blame you're not around,
I can not turn back time,
I can not change a thing.

No matter what they say,
I shut you out

Millencolin - Shut You Out

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

I love the time and in between
the calm inside me
in the space where I can breathe
I believe there is a
distance I have wandered
to touch upon the years of
reaching out and reaching in
holding out holding in

I believe
this is heaven to no one else but me
and I'll defend it as long as I can be
left here to linger in silence
if I choose to
would you try to understand

I know this love is passing time
passing through like liquid
I am drunk in my desire...
but I love the way you smile at me
I love the way your hands reach out
and hold me near...

I believe...
I believe
this is heaven to no one else but me
and I'll defend it as long as
I can be left here to linger in silence
if I choose to
would you try to understand

Oh the quiet child awaits the day when she can break free
the mold that clings like desperation
Mother can't you see I've got
to live my life the way I feel is right for me
might not be right for you but it's right for me...

I believe...
I believe
this is heaven to no one else but me
and I'll defend it as long as
I can be left here to linger in silence
if I choose to
would you try to understand it
I would like to linger here in silence
if I choose to
would you understand it
would you try to understand.

Sarah Mclachlan - Elsewhere

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Bye Bye Beautiful

Coheed and Cambria - A Favour House Atlantic

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Don’t fall away, and leave me to myself
Dont fall away, and leave love bleeding
In my hands, in my hands again
Leave love bleeding
In my hands, in my hands
Love lies bleeding

Fuel - Hemorrhage

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Knuckle deep inside the borderline
This may hurt a little
But it's something you'll get used to
Relax, slip away

Something kinda sad about
The way that things have come to be
Desensitized to everything

Tool - Stinkfist

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Come on just say it,
You need me like a bad habit,
One that gives you the interest
of indepth and love.

Come on just say it (Are you afraid to),
You need me like a bad habit
(Say what you want to, tell me you want to),
One that gives you the interest
of indepth and love
(Are you afraid to say what you want to, tell me you want to).

Well I hold my tongue use it to assess,
The damage from way back when it mattered,
But nothing seems important anymore,
We’re just protecting ourselves from our self,

And I don’t think I’ll ever come back down
(I don’t think I’ll ever come back down),
I don’t think I’ll ever come back down
(I don’t think I’ll ever come back down),
I don’t think I’ll ever come back down
(I don’t think I’ll ever come back…),
I don’t think I’ll ever come back…

Are you ashamed to say
what you want to tell me you want to.

Are you ashamed to say
what you want to tell me you want to.

(Come on just say it)
Are you ashamed to
(Come on just say it)
say what you want
to tell me you want to.

(Come on just say it)
Are you ashamed to
(Come on just say it)
say what you want to tell me you want to.

I’m making the difference,
It just seems pointless,
Well I’ll be obvious,
That’s got out of focus,
Why can’t you just be happy,
Why can’t you just be happy.

And I don’t think I’ll ever come back down
(I don’t think I’ll ever come back down),
I don’t think I’ll ever come back down
(I don’t think I’ll ever come back down),
I don’t think I’ll ever come back down
(I don’t think I’ll ever come back…),
I don’t think I’ll ever come back...
(Just come back… )
Just come on just say it,
Come on just say it,

Well I’ll just say it,
I’ll just say it,
I need you defenseless, dependent and alone.
(Just come back… )

She says live up to your first impression,
Well my best side was your worst invention,
In case you live without the intention,
In case you live without the intention.
(Just come back… )

She says live up to your first impression,
Well my best side was your worst invention,
In case you live without the intention,
In case you live without the intention.

She says live up to your first impression
(Come on, just say it),
Well my best side was your worst invention
(Come on, just say it),
Why can't you live without the intention

I need you defenseless, dependent),
Why can’t you love without the intention (alone).

She says live up to your first impression
(I just say it),
Well my best side was your worst invention
(I just say it),
Why cant you live without the intention
(I need you defenseless, dependent),
Why can’t you love without the intention (Alone),
Why can’t you love
(Defenseless, dependent),
Why cant you love
(Defenseless, dependent),
Why can’t you love…without…love…without
(Defenseless, dependent,
defenseless, dependent),
Why can’t you love
(Defenseless, dependent),
Why can’t you love
(Defenseless, dependent),
Why can’t you love…without…love…without
(Defenseless, dependent,
defenseless, dependent).

Taking Back Sunday ~ One-Eighty By Summer

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Every time I look at you
The world just melts away
All my troubles all my fears
Dissolve in your affections
You've seen me at my weakest
But you take me as I am
And when I fall you offer me
A softer place to land

You stay the course you hold the line
You keep it all together
You're the one true thing
I know I can believe in
You're all the things that I desire,
You save me, you complete me
You're the one true thing
I know I can believe

I get mad so easy but you
Give me room to breathe
No matter what I say or do
'Cause you're to good to fight about it
Even when I have to push
Just to see how far you'll go
You won't stoop down to battle
But you never turn to go

Your love is just the antidote
When nothing else will cure me
There are times I can't decide
When I can't tell up from down
You make me feel less crazy
When otherwise I'd drown
But you pick me up and brush me off
And tell me I'm OK
Sometimes that's just what we need
To get us through the day

Sarah McLachlan ~ Push

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Please end this
Before it ends us

I wanna stay inside
I wanna stay inside for good
I wanna stay inside
For good

Incubus - Agoraphobia

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

We drive tonight,
And you are by my side.
We're talking about our lives,
Like we've known each other forever.
The time flies by,
With the sound of your voice.
Its close to paradise,

With the end surely near.
And if I could only stop the car
And hold onto you,
And never let go (and never let go)
I'll never let go (I'll never let go)
As we round the corner
To your house

You turned to me and said,
"I'll be going through withdrawl of you
For this one night we have spent."
And, I want to speak these words
But I guess I'll just bite my tongue,
And accept "someday, somehow"
As the words that we'll hang from.

And I (I..), I don't want to speak these words.
Cause I (cause I..), I don't want to make things any worse.
And I (I..), I don't want to speak these words.
Cause I (cause I..),
I don't want to make things any worse.

Why does tonight, have to end?
Why don't we hit restart,
And pause it at our favorite parts.
We'll skip the goodbyes.
If I had it my way,
I'd turn the car around and runaway,
Just you and I.

And I (I..), I don't want to speak these words.
Cause I (cause I..), I don't want to make things any worse.
And I (I..), I don't want to speak these words
Cause I, I don't want to make things
And I, I don't want to make things any worse

Matchbook Romance - Tiger Lily

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Sick and tired of wastin' the sun on a Sunday
I gotta new set of sails
And the breeze is blowin' back on the bay
I'll load the bags, fill the tank,
I'm running late for the lazy highway
God I'm so alive
Don't want to waste a day.

Jenny's got her big dream home in California
And Jackie's flat broke
And she's probably gonna stay that way
Tammy holds her pencil and notepad
And takes another order
Folks listen, but they can't hear what you say
I never knew my life would turn out so okay.

Had my share of heartbreak
Left me so broken inside
Had my times when I was lost and confused
But over there's the bay's clear waters
And her sparkling tide
So come join the ride
It's about time.

Sick and tired of listening
To the news on the radio
Traffic backed up gotta go the long way again
Sleepy planet turns and earns
A million colours from the sun
Folks listen, but they don't hear what you say

Sick and tired of wastin' the sun on a Sunday
I gotta new set of sails
And the breeze is blowin back on the bay
I'l load my bags, fill the tank,
I'm running late for the lazy highway
God I'm so alive don't wast to waste a day

I never thought that I could turn out so ... okay

Melissa Tallon - Sunday

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Where am I today? I wish that I knew
'Cause looking around there's no sign of you
I don't remember one jump or one leap
Just quiet steps away from your lead

I'm holding my heart out but clutching it too
Feeling this short of a love that we once knew
I'm calling this home when it's not even close
Playing the role with nerves left exposed

Standing on a darkened stage,
Stumbling through the lines
Others have excuses,
but, I have my reasons why

We get distracted by dreams of our own
But nobody's happy while feeling alone
And knowing how hard it hurts when we fall
We lean another ladder
Against the wrong wall

And climb high to the highest rung,
To shake fists at the sky
While others have excuses,
I have my reasons why

Nickel Creek - Reasons Why

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

I tried to be perfect
But nothing was worth it
I don't believe it makes me real
I'd thought it'd be easy
But no one believes me
I meant all the things I said

If you believe it's in my soul
I'd say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I'm trying to let you know
That I'm better off on my own

This place is so empty
My thoughts are so tempting
I don't know how it got so bad
Sometimes it's so crazy
That nothing could save me
But it's the only thing that I have

If you believe it's in my soul
I'd say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I'm trying to let you know
That I'm better off on my own

Sum 41 - Pieces

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why

You're waiting for someone
To put you together
You're waiting for someone to push you away
There's always another wound to discover
There's always something
more you wish he'd say

But you'll just sit tight
And watch it unwind
It's only what you're asking for
And you'll be just fine
With all of your time
It's only what you're waiting for

Out of the island
Into the highway
Past the places where you might have turned
You never did notice
But you still hide away
The anger of angels who won't return

I am everything you want
I am everything you need
I am everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
I say all the right things
At exactly the right time
But I mean nothing to you
and I don't know why
And I don't know why
Why
I don't know

Vertical Horizon - Everything You Want

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

I start out strong
But then I always lose

Vertical Horizon - Shackled

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Does it show?
I'm pathetic, I know.
I just can't stand here and watch you go.
I'm running after you (I'm running after you).

Cauterize - Something Beautiful

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Tell me if this is real.
I need to know
Before I get too close.

Cauterize - Still Breathing

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

I am lost
So I am cruel
But I’d be love and sweetness
If I had you

I’m waiting
I’m waiting for you
I’m waiting
I’m waiting for you

Garbage - Milk

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

I can't handle this confusion
I'm unable
Come and take me away

Avril Lavigne - Take Me Away

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

I'm starting to fashion an idea in my head
Where I would impress you
With every single word I said
Would come out insightful or brave
Or smooth or charming
And you'd want to call me.

And I would be there every time
You'd need me.
I'd be there every time...

But for now
I'll look so longingly
Waiting...
For you to want me,
For you to need me,
For you to notice me

Dashboard Confessional -
For You To Notice Me

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Don't leave me hanging
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

You were everything,
Everything that I wanted
We were meant to be,
Supposed to be,
But we lost it
And all of the memories,
So close to me,
Just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...

You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

Avril Lavigne - My Happy Ending

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

I look away
Then I look back at you
You try to say
The things that you can't undo
If I had my way
I'd never get over you
It ain't the day
I pray that we make it through

Make it through the fall
Make it through it all

And I don't wanna fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don't want to talk about it

Cuz I'm in Love with you
I'm in love with you
Cuz I'm in love with you
And I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you

Avril Lavigne - Fall To Pieces

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

I close my eyes and I see a freak,
I think it's me and I'm afraid to speak
I keep on going from weak to weakness
Way out in a line.
I dream of lives we could have had before,
But the heat is broke down open doorways.
Friends of yours will tell me more
What happens in your mind

Can we try and take the high road
Though we don't know where it ends
I want to be your Crystal Baller
I want to show you how it ends

Macrame queens in the afternoon
And I'm in tune or did I speak too soon
Punch drunk on somebody's joke,
What happened to the time
A footnote in your dance of days,
In my mind that record still plays
Still wonder what the fuck it says,
And hoping there is time

Can we try and take the high road
Though we don't know where it ends
I want to be your Crystal Baller
I can show you how it ends

Can we talk about tomorrow
And the promise that it brings
I want to be your Crystal Baller,
I want to show you everything

I wonder what the whole thing's for,
In the moment you were screaming at me
I would have been somebody else
And the patrons of the pub keep singing

Macrame queens in the afternoon
And I'm in tune or did I speak too soon
Punch drunk on somebody's joke
What happened to the time
I dream of lives we could have had before
Where the heat is broke down open doorways
Like waiting for a trick to score,
It seems that way sometimes
I wonder where we're all going,
I'm homesick for your primal knowing
I wonder why the wind keeps blowing
You through my mind

Try and take the high road
Remember we were friends
I want to be your Crystal Baller
I want to be your diamond ring

The one I never gave you
And the promise that it brings
Let me be your Crystal Baller
I will show you everything.

I'll be your Crystal Baller

Third Eye Blind - Crystal Baller

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

She'd do anything to sparkle in his eye
She would suffer, she would fight,
and compromise
She's been wishin' on the stars
that shine so bright
For answers to the questions
that will haunt her tonight

She must rinse this all away
She can't hold him this way
She must rinse this all away
She can't love him this way

How she'd be soothed,
how she'd be saved if he could see
She needs to be held in his arms to be free
But everything happens for reasons
that she will never understand
'Til she knows the heart of a woman will never be found in the arms of a man

And if she runs away
she fears she won't be followed
What could be the worse than leaving something behind
And as the depth of oceans
slowly become shallow
It's loneliness she finds...
If only he was mine

She'd do anything to spakle in his eye
She would suffer, she would fight,
and compromise
She's been wishin' on the stars
that shine so bright
For answers to the questions
that will haunt her tonight

She must rinse him
She must rinse him
She can't rinse him
She can't rinse him

She can't, she won't, she must rinse him
She can't, she won't, she must rinse him
She must rinse this all away
She can't hold him this way
She must rinse this all away
She can't love him this way

Vanessa Carlton - Rinse

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

I want to break your heart
And give you mine
You're taking me over

It's so insane
You've got me tethered and chained
I hear your name
And I'm falling over

I'm not like all the other girls
I can't take it like the other girls
I won't share it like the other girls
That you used to know

You look so fine

Knocked down
Cried out
Been down just to find out
I'm through
Bleeding for you

I'm open wide
I want to take you home
We'll waste some time
You're the only one for me

You look so fine
I'm like the desert tonight
Leave her behind
If you want to show me

I'm not like all the other girls
I won't take it like the other girls
I won't fake it like the other girls
That you used to know

You're taking me over
Over and over
I'm falling over
Over and over

You're taking me over
Drown in me one more time
Hide inside me tonight
Do what you want to do
Just pretend happy end
Let me know let it show

Ending with letting go [3x]

Let's pretend, happy end [4x]

Garbage - You Look So Fine

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Lift me up
Just lift me up don't make a sound
And let me hold you up
Before you hit the Ground
See all come
You say you're all right
But I get the strangest feeling
That you've gone away - you've gone away

And will you find out who you are
Too late to change?

I wish I could be
Every little thing you wanted
All the time
I wish I could be
Every little thing you wanted
All the time
Some times

Don't give me up
Don't give me up tonight
Or soon nothing will be right at all
Salvation
Will you find out who you are
Too late to change?

Dishwalla - Every Little Thing

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

What have I got to do to make you love me
What have I got to do to make you care
What do I do when lightning strikes me
And I wake to find that you're not there
What do I do to make you want me
What have I got to do to be heard
What do I say when it's all over
And sorry seems to be the hardest word

It's sad, so sad
It's a sad, sad situation
And it's getting more and more absurd
It's sad, so sad
Why can't we talk it over?
Oh it seems to me
That sorry seems to be the hardest word

Elton John - Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Coughing up feeling just for you
To find something real to hold on to
But there is a hole inside my heart
Where waves of my love come tumbling out
You say that all the good is gone
That I have forgotten who I am
Free as a bird
Wild as the wind
But somehow I cannot let you in

Garbage - Nobody Loves You

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Trying hard to face another day
No more left to give, nothing left to break
Melting in the sun, breathing in the day
Falling into love and climbing out again

There's nowhere left to run
No more tears to cry
The river's running dry
There's no more left to give
Love has left me dry

Reaching out beneath a sea of pain
Riding high on waves of hope again
Chipping as the stone face cracks away
Crying out again as my bones break

Why is every minute like a year
What if we could save ourselves from this
Life is such a bitch and it gets worse
Fate is like a rope around your neck

Feeder - Dry

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Sometimes I feel like I'm glad to be free,
Sometimes I still want your arms around me
Sometimes I'm glad to have left you behind,
The Crazy English Summer
Has put you back on my mind.
Life's a riot a lover a friend,
Pity the day that it has to end
Friday come speed me home again,
I've nothing but you on my Mind.

Sometimes I feel like i'm fine on my own,
Fifty Thousand miles from home.
Sometimes I'm weak and the past is my guide

Faithless - Crazy English Summer

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

I used to think my life was only up to me
But livin life this way can be so lonely

Everyday with what it takes to stay alive
What we need is each other to survive

Da doo da doo da doo doo doo
oh oh oh oh oh oh
Da doo da doo da doo doo doo
oh oh oh oh oh oh

So reach out and take the hand
Head up above the sun
Reach out
Stop givin love the third degree
Its time we found love for the 21st century

Weekend Players - 21st Century

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start

Coldplay - The Scientist

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

So once again I swim In Reverie
Without your love
So long ago I can't remember now
Where we began

Saves the Day - In Reverie

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Isn't it funny how you never
really screamed at my face,
but your anger so unspoken and unchannelled
permeates my essence to the point where
I don't want to see you hear you,
be anywhere near you,
you probably think I'm threatened by you
but your illusionary power doesn't threaten me

Actually I think it's kind of funny
that you create an illusion that is a mirror,
I don't appreciate you
and I know that that surprises you
I suppose you see that those who
follow their heart always win,
those with integrity
have won the match before it's begun

So rather than being kicked around,
I'm going to kick you to the curb
So rather than being fucked around,
I'm going to fucked you away first
So rather than trying to protect you,
I'm going to cover my bases first
So rather than trying to open my heart,
I'm going to lock it with a key
So that only the special ones,
So that only the special ones,
Can ever get through to me

Some can see beyond the barrier of threshold
whereas others can't see
beyond their sculptured mould,
you could offer me nothing,
you could offer me nothing that I need

Do you think I'm asking too much?
A kind of respect and trust that
shouldn't even be questioned.
How can I open my heart
with dishonesty sitting next to me?
I've honoured your honour
to the point of embarrassment,
but innocence in the hands of
the guilt-free is kicked to,
is kicked to the curb

I was ashamed of my innocence,
I was ashamed of my innocence
but now with clarity I see
that your bullshit is just not worthy of me

So rather than being kicked around,
I'm going to kick you to the curb
So rather than being fucked around,
I'm going to fucked you away first
So rather than trying to protect you,
I'm going to cover my bases first
So rather than trying to open my heart,
I'm going to lock it with a key
So that only the special ones,
So that only the special ones,
Can ever get through to me

Some can see beyond the barrier of threshold
whereas others can't see
beyond their sculptured mould,
you could offer me nothing,
you could offer me nothing that I need

I don't want to be angry...
Don’t want to be angry.
I don't want to be angry...
Don’t want to be angry.

This is not worthy of me
and now with clarity
I see that I can walk away,
I can walk away

George – The Special Ones

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Is it hard to see the things you substitute
for me and all my thoughts of you?
It's eating me alive to leave you

Maybe it's childish, and maybe it's wrong
But so is your blank stare in lieu of this song
Maybe it's childish, and maybe it's wrong

Don't wanna be, don't wanna be wrong
You're leaving me,
you're leaving me in lieu of this song
Don't wanna be, don't wanna be wrong
You're leaving me,
you're leaving me in lieu of this song

Breathing in your skin tonight
Quiet is my loudest cry
Wouldn't want to wake the eyes that make me melt inside
And if it's healthier to leave you be,
May a sickness come and set me free
Kill me while I still believe
that you were meant for me

I'm finding my own words
My own little stage
My own epic drama
My own scripted page
I'll send you the rough draft
I'll seal it with tears
Maybe you'll read it, and I'll reappear

From the start it was shaky,
and the characters rash
A nice setting for heartache
where emotions come last
All I have deep inside to overcome this desire
of friendly intentions and fairweather smiles

And I don't wanna be, don't wanna be wrong
You're leaving me,
you're leaving me in lieu of this song
Don't wanna be, don't wanna be wrong
You're leaving me,
you're leaving me in lieu of this song (in lieu of this song)

Like Saturday night, I'll be gone
Like Saturday night, I'll be gone
Like Saturday night, I'll be gone
Like Saturday night,
I'll be gone before you knew that I was there.

Yellowcard - Rough Draft

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Despair could ravage you
If you turn your head around
To look down the path that's lead you here,
Cause what can you change?
You're a vessel now
Floating down the waterways.
You can take your rudder and aim your ship,
Just don't bother with
The things left in your wake.
Just sail belly up to the clouds,
The rocks scraping your back.
To breathe in the air
Will be the only thing that you have
And your love will be warm nights
With pockets of moonlight
Spotlighting you as you drift,
The actor in this play.
You walk across the stage,
Take a bow, hear the applause,
And as the curtain falls,
Just know you did it all
The best that you knew how
And you can hear them cheering now.
So let a smile out and show your teeth
Cause you know you lived it well.

Saves The Day - This is Not an Exit

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

If you see me walking down the street
And I start to cry each time we meet
Walk on by, walk on by

Make believe
That you don't see the tears
Just let me grieve
In private 'cause each time I see you
I break down and cry
And walk on by (don't stop)
And walk on by (don't stop)
And walk on by

I just can't get over losing you
And so if I seem broken and blue
Walk on by, walk on by

Foolish pride
Is all that I have left
So let me hide
The tears and the sadness you gave me
When you said goodbye
Walk on by
And walk on by
And walk by (don't stop)

Dionne Warwick - Walk On By

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

What kind of love is this
That keeps me hanging on
Despite everything it's doing to me
What is this love
That keeps me coming back for more
When it will only end in misery

Sarah McLachlan - Circle

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Leave me be I don't wanna argue
I just get confused and I come all undone
If I agree well it's just to appease you
'Cause I don't remember
What we're fighting for

Sarah McLachlan - Time

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

I know I can't come near you
Every time I do
I get shaken inside and the sun in my eyes
I'll stay away

I'd rather be here
Than anywhere with you
Whoo

I'd be dancing with your ghost
Toasting note to note
So here's to the passing
Of all that could be
Between you and me

Saves The Day - Anywhere With You

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

I tried so hard to keep it hidden
But I am hurting deep inside
For every time I've seen you smile
There are two times that I have cried

Vertical Horizon - Liberty

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Knew the signs
Wasn't right
I was stupid for a while
Swept away by you
And now I feel like a fool
So confused,
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn't see
We were never
Meant to be

Catch myself
From despair
I could drown
If I stay here
Keeping busy everyday
I know I will be OK

So much hurt,
So much pain
Takes a while
To regain
What is lost inside

And I hope that in time,
You'll be out of my mind
And I'll be over you

Gabrielle - Out Of Reach

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

We started so brand new, Darling
But now it seems that
Nothing can change your mind
I have seen your city lights
But have you seen my country skies?

Watch the world go twirling by

And perhaps it's common fears
Or uncommon hearts
That makes us insincere
And torn apart

But when will I learn?
Love is just my fantasy disguised

An angel without wings can hardly fly
And love without a dream
It will not survive

But now I can see
I am lucky just to have a heart
Discovery will knock you on your knees
And lonely tears can only hope to freeze

Vertical Horizon - Angel Without Wings

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

So if nothing else
I'll hold on while you drift away
Cause everything you wanted me to hide
Is everything that makes me feel alive

Cities grow
Rivers flow
Where you are, I'll never know
But I'm still here
If you were right and I was wrong
Why are you the one that's gone
I'm still here
Still here

Seeing the ashes in my heart
The smile the widest
When I cry inside and my insides blow apart
I tried to wear another face
Just to make you proud
Just to make you put me in my place
But everything you wanted to take from me
Is everything that I could never be

Maybe tonight
It's gonna be alright
I will get better
Maybe today
It's gonna be okay
I will remember

I held the pieces of my soul
I was shattered and I wanted you
To come and make me whole
When I saw you yesterday
But you didn't notice
And you just walked away
Cause everything you wanted me to hide
Is everything that makes me feel alive

The lights go out, the bridges burn
Once you're gone, you can't return
I'm still here
Remember how you use to say
I'd be the one to runaway
But I'm still here

Vertical Horizon - I'm Still Here

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Sail away with me honey
I put my heart in your hands
Sail away with me honey
Now now now
Sail away with me
What will be will be
I want to hold you
Now now now

David Gray - Sail Away

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

How could you ever be so cold?
To go behind my back and call my friend
Boy you must've gone and bumped your head
Because you left her number on your phone
(So now after all is said and done)
Maybe I'm the one to blame but
(To think that you could be the one)
Well it didn't work out that way

Get out (leave) right now
It's the end of you and me
It's too late (now)
And I can't wait for you to be gone
(You to be gone)
Cause I know, about her (move)
And I wonder (why)
How I bought all the lies (all the lies)
You said that you would treat me right
(You said that you)
But you was just a waste of time
(Waste of time)

I wanted you right here with me
But I have no choice, you've gotta leave
Because my heart is breaking
With every word I'm saying,
Boy I gave up everything I had
On something that just wouldn't last

JoJo - Leave

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

I want to give you
Whatever you need
What is it you need?
Is it what i need?

I want to give you
Whatever you need
What is it you need?
Is it within me?

It's hard to explain
How i am getting by on so little from you
It's hard to believe that i would
Let myself get so wrapped into you
It's gotta to be something
That would be worthwhile
For me to give to you

We need a connection
But you seem to push me
Far away from you

From you
From you

Harder i push the further i fall
Well you don't mind me being headstrong
But you don't want to sing along
Maybe it's trite but i can't always,
Always,
Always,
Be wrong.

Dashboard Confessional - Need

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

You've called to say you wanted out
Well I cant say I blame you now
Sometimes you've got to fold
Before you're found out
Well thanks for waiting this long
To show yourself, yourself
'Cause now that I can see you
I dont think you're worth a second glance.

So much for all the promises you made
They served you well
And now you're gone
And they're wasted on me
So much for your endearing sense of charm
It served you well
And now it's gone and you're wasted on me.

I guess that all you've got
Is all you're gonna get
So much for...So much more
I guess that all you've got is all you're gonna get
So much for...So much more

Do what you must if that's what you wish
I cannot be a party to this
If you had the sense that you were born with
You'd find a way to make things right

Dashboard Confessional - Rapid Hope Loss

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

I don't know your face no more
Or feel your touch that I adore
I don't know your face no more
It's just a place I'm looking for
We might as well be strangers in another town
We might as well be living in a different world
We might as well
We might as well
We might as well

I don't know your thoughts these days
We're strangers in an empty space
I don't understand your heart
It's easier to be apart

We might as well be strangers in another town
We might as well be living in another time
We might as well
We might as well
We might as well be strangers
Be strangers
For all I know of you now
For all I know of you now
For all I know of you now
For all I know

Keane - We Might As Well Be Strangers

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

I don't know why I waste my time
Getting hung up about the things you say
When I open my eyes and it's a lovely day
You know sometimes I feel like I'm
Getting snowed under with the things you say
When I open my eyes and it's a lovely day

Keane - Snowed Under

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

You tried to run,
I tried to hide,
Still we managed to collide.
Fell so hard, matching scars.
Held you close, felt so far.
Hearts beating out of time.
You're screaming with no reason and no rhyme.

So I will save this last breath
For words that I won't scream.
I don't feel like dying, but you're killing me.

Just when the wounds start healing
You're there to break me open.
Watch the blood spill.
I'm getting used to this.
I'll clean it in the morning.

Cauterize - Killing Me

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

I don't want to hear about your damage
I don't want to hear you say
That you think I'm damaged too
Because I know you know
That the damage in me
Is from the horrible things you say and do
I know that the damage in me
Comes from the damage in you

I just want it all to go away

I can see the light above me
I hear the sound of a brand new song
I don't want to hear your preaches
Cause I know what's right,
I know what's wrong

I can see the light above me
I hear the sound of a brand new day
I'm not going to settle for less
I don't think things are ever gonna to change
I just want it all to go away
Yeah, just go away
Yeah, I don't want to talk about it

Everclear - New Blue Champion

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Now I'll always give you
The benefit of the doubt
And I think there's enough
Natural maturity floating around
For the tension and release time to even out
Between two people like you and me

But I've been thinking and since we broke up
I realised things were mostly in your favour
And a normal person wouldn't put up with this
But for some stupid reason I don't wanna Move on

Now I'm stuck in a moment
It's bad for my health
Now I'm gone
If I don't emancipate myself

Now I gotta say that all of this is coming down
On me like a tonne of bricks
At this present time, I don't have much cash
I'm trying to figure out the rest of my life

But I think a lot of people would agree that
All you need is a feeling of freedom
And when you're in emotional limbo
Everything you think about and do is filtered Through that

Now I don't wanna punish or make you unhappy or jealous
In any way or hurt you
Because ultimately in time it's your own choice
Who you surround yourself with
And I'm responsible for those things too

And I've treated people badly
at times in relationships
And maybe what you're doing
Is some kind of payback
For all those past lives,
But that also doesn't change the fact that

Now I'm stuck in a moment
It's bad for my health
Now I'm gone
If I don't emancipate myself
There's no spirit to find me
And no wishing well
Well I'm gone
If I don't emancipate myself

So whatcha gonna do now
You gonna keep me hanging on
You gonna keep me hanging on
You gonna keep me hanging on
You gonna keep me hanging on
You gonna keep me hanging on
'Cos I have a feeling it's all in my own mind
And if i have anything to do with it
Knowing me I enjoy
Putting myself through this
Kind of trauma to a degree
How 'bout you? Thought so

Maybe you shouldn't call me anymore
Because I need some time to
Get to know myself again
And once again we say it's final
Then I'm gonna miss you even more,
Even the most, yeah

But I don't want you to know
That I'm missing you yeah
Let's establish even more
Communication breakdown and wonder why
Later on all the honesty and trust
Is gone between us

Now I'm stuck in a moment
It's bad for my health
Well I'm gone
If I don't emancipate myself
There's no spirit to find me
And no wishing well
Well I'm gone
If I don't emancipate myself
Gotta get out

Thirsty Merc - Emancipate Myself

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Oh,
I really hate how you push me away
I do not like it when you shut me out
I say I love you but I really don't know you
I want to change you but I don't know how
I want to leave when it gets ugly and cold
I want to leave but I have no where to go

I just want to be where the sun shines down
Yeah,
I just want to be where the sun shines down
On a beautiful life
I just want to find a beautiful life
I want to be where the sun shines down
I just want to find a beautiful life
I don't care where we go
I don't care where we go

You seem to make
The same mistakes all the time
Sometimes it's not too hard to understand why
You say you hate the things you have done
Yeah,
You have been running
With your back to the sun
You want to find a place
Where you don't have to hide
You say you're just happy to be alive

I just want to be where the sun shines down
Yeah,
I just want to be where the sun shines down

Everclear - A Beautiful Life

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Untouchable
You think you're untouchable
You know
No one's untouchable

You're bound to lose the game
There's no one else to blame
You play so safe
And you're not risking enough
You are doomed to be undone
I swear I'll be the one
To bring you down
It's all your fault
Cause you got caught

It must be nice
To be so sure
And never feel insecure
It must feel good to believe
You're always right
And you're never wrong

You've got something to say
You say it to my face
And be a man about it
You got a problem with me
Don't go behind my back
Just like a baby

Pride comes before you take a fall
You'd best beware a woman scorned
Cause no one's untouchable

Garbage - Untouchable

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

But there you go for the last time
I finally know now
What i should have known then
And i could still be ruthless if you'll let me

But there you go and i'm not done
You're waving goodbye,
Well at least youre having fun
The rising tide will not let you forget me
Forget me

This is her ghost that kneels before me
Razors on her tongue,
A body full of oxygen
It wont be the last time she'll ignore me
The thinning of my skin,
Without the strength to go
The winter's setting in,
To cover you in snow

But if i built you a city, would you let me
Would you tear it down?

Something Corporate - Ruthless

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Don't let it end up this way
Hey ye-ahh..

It don't matter it's over
Here i've been waiting
All my life
All this time

I'm here wide awake again

Vertical Horizon - It's Over

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Everything is quiet since you're not around
And I live in the numbness now
In the background

I do the things we did before
I walk Haight Street to the store
And they say where's that crazy girl
You don't get drunk on red wine and fight no more
I don't see you anymore since the hospital

The plans I make still have you in them
Cause you come swimming into view
And I'm hanging on your words
Like I always used to do
The words they use so lightly
I only feel for you
I only know because I carry you around
In the background
I'm in the background

Words they come and memories all repeat
I lift your head while they change the hospital sheets
And I would never lie to you no
I would never lie to you no
I felt you long after we were through,
We were through

Third Eye Blind - The Background

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

It seems like nothing has happened
Until I share them with you

Dashboard Confessional - Shirts and Gloves

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

I'm not asking to be more than your lover
I'm not asing to be more than a friend
I'm not asking anything that I shouldn't
To bring everything we know to an end
Because here you go again
Because here you go again

Cause here you go

And I wanted to be your lover
But your pushing me under cover
I wanted to be your lover
But you're pushing me down
Pushing me down
Under cover, yeah
Because here you go again

And they say that it really doesn't matter
Anyway
That it really doesn't matter
Anyway

Tonic - Sunflower

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile

Maroon 5 - She Will Be Loved

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

And I have the sense to recognize that
I don't know how to let you go
Every moment marked
With apparitions of your soul
I'm ever swiftly moving
Trying to escape this desire
The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do

But I have the sense to recognize
That I don't know how
To let you go
I don't know how
To let you go

A glowing ember
Burning hot
Burning slow
Deep within I'm shaken by the violence
Of existing for only you

I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do

And I have sense to recognize but
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go

Sarah Mclachlan - Do What You Have To Do

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Well as for now
I'm gonna hear the saddest songs
And sit alone and wonder
How you're making out
But as for me,
I wish that I were anywhere with anyone
Making out.

I'm missing your laugh
How did it break
And when did your eyes begin to look fake
I hope you're as happy as you're pretending.

I'm cuddling close
To blankets and sheets
And I am alone
In my defeat
I wish I knew you were safely at home

Dashboard Confessional -
Screaming Infidelities

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

So many questions
I need an answer
Two years later, you're still on my mind
Whatever happened to Emilia Earhart
Who holds the stars up in the sky
Is true love once in a lifetime
Did the captain of the Titanic cry

Someday we'll know
If love can move a mountain
Someday we'll know
Why the sky is blue
Someday we'll know
Why I wasn't meant for you

Does anybody know the way to Atlantis
Or what the wind says when she cries
I'm speeding by the place where I met you
For the 97th time tonight

Someday we'll know
Why Samson loved Delilah
One day I'll go
Dancing on the moon
Someday you'll know
That I was the one for you

I bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow
I watched the stars crash in the sea
If I could ask God just one question
Why aren't you here with me?

New Radicals - Someday We'll Know

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

I feel so broken up (so broken up)
And I give up (I give up)
I just want to tell you so you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out
And try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go,
There's just no one
That gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one

Made my mistakes, let you down
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long
Ran my whole life in the ground
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone

And something's breaking up (breaking up)
I feel like giving up (like giving up)
I won't walk out until you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out
And try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go,
There's just no one
Who gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one

Yellowcard - Only One

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

You killed me when you came
Walking down the sidewalk
Saying everything was fine
Dressed up like a wife of a life
I'll never have
It's so easy to fool me
You can turn me on
You can turn me off
I've had enough of that little boy sandbox stuff
Love you wanted to try
For a life you're willing to buy

I
Knock down walls for you
Cause I need you

You always grab a hold of
The ones you know you can change
Just a group of loner zeros
who will play your game
Something tells them that their
Luck is gonna change
Round and round you drag them down
So don't tell me I've gone crazy
You're the one who's trying to fuckin change me

I
Knock down walls for you
Cause I need you
I
Knock down walls for you
Cause I want you

Tonic - Knock Down Walls

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Don't you see, don't you see,
that the charade is over?
And all the "Best Deceptions" and
"Clever Cover Story" awards go to you.
So kiss me hard
'cause this will be the last time that I let you.
You will be back someday
And this awkward kiss that screams of
Other people's lips will be of service
To keeping you away.

I heard about your regrets.
I heard that you were feeling sorry.
I heard from someone that you wish
You could set things right between us.
Well I guess I should have
Heard of them from you.
I guess I should have heard of them from you.

I'm waiting for blood to flow to my fingers,
I'll be all right when my hands get warm.
Ignoring the phone,
I'd rather say nothing.
I'd rather you'd never heard my voice.
You're calling too late,
Too late to be gracious
You do not warrant long goodbyes.

Dashboard Confessional - The Best Deceptions

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

If it's not keeping you up nights
(Then what’s the point)
Then what’s the point
(Then what’s the point)
Then what’s the point

Taking Back Sunday -
Great Romances of the 20th Century

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

I'm walking empty streets
Hoping we might meet
I see your car parked on the road
The light on at your window
I know for sure that you're home
And I just have to pass on by

So no, of course, we can't be friends
Not while I'm still this obsessed
I guess I always knew the score
This is how our story ends

Garbage - Cup of Coffee

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

(It's a long way) is there anything
(For an answer) worth looking for
(Is there any news)worth loving for
(Is there any word) worth lying for
(Is there trauma) is there anything
(Or a struggle) worth waiting for
(Am I missing) worth living for
(Was the body found) worth dying for

Dashboard Confessional - I Am Missing

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Wake me when it's over,
I don't feel much like crying tonight.
Please tell me that you're leaving.
I don't feel much like holding you tight.

I love you even though
I hate this thing that we've become.
I need you even though
I can live without this.

I know that I should probably hurt so bad
But I can't feel a thing.
I know that I should probably say something
But I can barely breathe.
And I'm sorry if I'm giving up too easy
I just don't have the strength to fight no more.

My throat is sore from pleading.
I don't feel much like singing tonight.
If I can stop the bleeding
I know that I will be alright.

Cauterize - I'll Cry Tomorrow

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

I still miss you, I still care,
Sometimes I swear you're still here.
Do you miss me?
Do you care?
Does it hurt that I'm not there?

Told me you need something better.
What is better than love?
Told me you need something new.
But all I need is you to feel
The way you make me feel.

I never meant to hurt you,
Never meant to say those things,
Never meant to write them down in a song
About the way it used to be.
It used to be so good.
You used to be my everything.

I just want you to know that
I'm just fine on my own.
Do you want me to know
That you hate being alone?

Did you think I would fall for this over again we're repeating.
Did you think I would crawl back,
Crawl back one more time
To feel the way I feel.

How's your hand?
My eyes healed nicely.
How's the time pass by without me?
I hope this hurts like hell
Cause why should you be fine?

Cauterize - My Everything

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

I finally figured out
That you're not coming back
And I'm not going anywhere.
You were the one with all the faith
How did you let it slip away?
That's right,
I'm blaming this all on you
And the little things you didn't do.
We both knew that you were stronger,
Could have fought a little longer.
You didn't hold it tight enough.
You lost your grip and I slipped right through
Your fingers.

No more sleepless nights alone.
This bed is better without you.
No more waitin' up for calls.
I've got nothin' left to say to you.

Tell me again about those better days.
This silence hurts me more
Than anything you could say.
Broken knuckles, broken heart.
I fell in love then fell apart.

Cauterize - Killing Me

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

God I feel like hell tonight
The tears of rage I cannot fight
I'd be the last to help you understand

Are you strong enough to be my man..

Well, nothing's true, and nothing's right
So let me be alone tonight
'Cause you can't change the way I am

Are you strong enough to be my man..
Lie to me, I promise I'll believe
Lie to me, but please don't leave

I have a face I cannot show
I make the rules up as I go
Just try and love me if you can

When I've shown you
That I just don't care
When I'm throwing punches in the air
When I'm broken down and i can't stand

Are you strong enough to be my man..

Lie to me, I promise I'll believe
Lie to me, but please don't leave

Sheryl Crow - Are You Strong Enough?

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Don't take your love away from me
Don't you leave my heart in misery
If you go then I'll be blue
'Cause breaking up is hard to do

Remember when you held me tight
And you kissed me all through the night
Think of all that we've been through
Breaking up is hard to do

They say that breaking up is hard to do
Now I know, I know that it's true
Don't say that this is the end
Instead of breaking up I wish that we were making up again

I beg of you, don't say goodbye
Can't we give our love another try?
Come on baby, let's start anew
'Cause breaking up is hard to do

Neil Sedaka - Breaking Up is Hard to Do

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Don't stray, don't ever go away
I should be much too smart for this
You know it gets the better of me
Sometimes, when you and I collide
I fall into an ocean of you, pull me out in time
Don't let me drown, let me down
I say it's all because of you

And here I go, losing my control
I'm practising your name
So I can say it to your face
It doesn't seem right, to look you in the eye
Let all the things you mean to me
Come tumbling out my mouth
Indeed it's time to tell you why
I say it's infintely true

Say you'll stay, don't come and go
Like you do
Sway my way, yeah I need to know
All about you

And there's no cure, and no way to be sure
Why everything's turned inside out
Instilling so much doubt
It makes me so tired - I feel so uninspired
My head is battling with my heart
My logic has been torn apart
And now it all turns sour
Come sweeten every afternoon

Sway - Bic Runga

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

I will love you till the day that I die
I will love you till the day that I die
I will love you till the day that I die
I will love you till the day that I die

I dreamt that I called out your name
You turned your face to me and started to say
Something so beautiful it hurt deep inside
So I will love you till the day that I die

Garbage - Till The Day I Die

At the Edge of the Abyss

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Self-Destructive Butterfly

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At the Edge of the Abyss

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