At the Edge of the Abyss

Closing Butterfly

Three months later, It's done. We're over. I just finished talking to him online.

I know that I will be ok. Thank you Jay for your quote about the 'if you think you can, you can' line. It was running through my head as I chatted to him online. And I know I can. I know I can survive without him. I think I knew all along. I knew that it was better without him in my life.

I guess I just got disillusioned. I was talking to him on msn last night and he had the little webcam up. Seeing him again... I knew why I was so wary of meeting in person. All I wanted was for him to hug me and hold me, and tell me how much he loved and cared for me.

The final word on his side was simply that he did not feel that he loved me enough. I told him just about everything. I realise now that I forgot one little thing. But if I blog it up, it's as good as told. And having said that, it's slipped my mind again.

Anyhow, I'm well and truly moving on. There's no point with goodbyes and apologies. There's no point sorting things out. At the end of the day we want two different things and he's too scared to have faith in us. His pessimistic outlook on relationships ensures that he will destroy everything. And as much as I'm willing to be there and help him see that I'm here to stay... as much as I want to love him and be there for me, as strong as they all say I am, I can't be strong enough to hold a relationship together if he won't even try.

I know that it's for the best. I know that.

I've done it now. He's out and out. And I also know that he will never have the courage to come back. As much as I want him to. As much as I want him to chomp the bit, eat his pride and tell me that he was wrong. I didn't tell him that, but I implied as much. I told him all the things that he wasn't, and if he could read between the lines, also what it was that I hoped and wanted.

Let his pessimestic view be the way that he sees life. It doesn't matter that he let go of a good thing. Because he doesn't love me enough. And for that statement alone, I know that it's not worth my time to stay.

Thank you chicabu for talking some sense into me today and giving me enough courage to face this through. I had a long think about what you were reminding me today and I guess some of it hit home somewhere. I know I've been in denial city for a long time now. And I also know that underneath it all, I've always known that I could live through this.

I guess I got over him that time that I admitted to myself that he wasn't worth my time. And coming back the way he did, not the way that I'd hoped or wanted, well... it secured the fact that I couldn't trust him. I so could have. I knew I was slipping. I knew I was falling for him again. But I also knew that in order for me to truly go under he had to declare his undying love. And if you want to be practical about it, there really was no room for him to maneouvere. I'd already outplayed him. I knew all the chances that he had, and I blocked every single one of them.

With my ex at least, he overrode everything. That's the type of love I guess I was looking for in this one. To override all my thoughts and processes. And to simply 'be.' To love me and be done with it. None of this rationalising and sitting on the fence.

I will get through this, because I know that somewhere in my mind I've already convinced myself that I am better than him, and that he does not deserve my love. In my anger, bitterness and pain I think that I managed to cement something in me. In my pride I stuck some backbone in and (hopefully) it has stuck.

I guess I always knew that this would be the outcome. I guess I just hoped that maybe I was wrong. I know that this is for the best. And maybe I have let him off the hook. It doesn't matter anymore. There's no point me trying to get him to suffer. He doesn't love me that way. Not really. And he admitted that he had been trying to sort out if it was lust that was making him do silly things. Maybe I let him off the hook with explaining everything. Maybe.

But he really isn't worth my time. let's hope that three months worth of lecturing to myself has done some good. And that I really do believe all those angry rantings that I made. I wonder if one day he will indeed come across this blog, recognise it for who it is, and I wonder what his reactions will be.

It doesn't matter to me anymore. It's one of the reasons why I specifically told him that I didn't want to hear another apology. Because apologies don't mean anything. They hold no substance. The only way out of all of this is for him to come back to me in a few weeks, in a few months and tell me that it was wrong.

I was reading a novel last night and the protagonist was agonising over a decision. In the end, it was a coin that decided for him. And the sage advice attached to the coin (by the person who offered the coin) was that if it was the wrong decision, he would know. And it was true. Once that decision is made, if it really is wrong, you will go against it. because honestly, the coin doesn't have to be right. So I am the coin. I gave him the decision. If he ever believes that it is wrong, then he is welcome to challenge it. But the trick is - does he know that I might be wrong? It all depends on his love for me. It's a way to test his courage and see if he is indeed worthy of me.

In the meantime, I am ready to move on and live my life. Now that all is clear and clarified and I know where I stand and how I act, then I can accept the reins and ride on down the street.

My resolve breaks every morning that I wake up. I woke up this morning and hugged my pillow and wished desperately that it was him. But you know, despite all my rantings and ravings, I know when I'm beat. If you don't love me enough, there's nothing I can do. And I know that it's best that you stay out of my life. Maybe come graduation we can hold a civil conversation. I don't believe that I will ever act cold towards you again. I just think that it would be best that we stopped being friends. Acquaintences will be more than enough. And I will hold civil conversation with you. And I will no longer give you the cold shoulder. I just think that distance is the best remedy. Or as Zan notes, 'time.'

Maybe all I really wanted to do in coming back this second time was to suffer. To give me the chance to unpick his mind, and see what there is to all of this hoo ha. Maybe I really didn't want us to suceed and be friends. Maybe I needed more time. I was in the middle of getting over him when he came back. If he had waited a little more, maybe we could still be friends. But the anger got through. The bitterness got through. And some of my love remained. I've done a head job on him and me. Twisted everything to convince all and sundry, including myself, that I don't want and need him, all the while inside craving for him to declare that i was an idiot, and that we should just love each other and be done with it. ... or maybe it was the other way around, with me hanging my heart on my sleeve, while internally I'm calculating to see how much I need to give out before he caves and I get the chance to reject him. Maybe that was what it was all along. A chance for me to have the upper hand. A chance for it to be 'me' to say no. And a chance for me to have the upper hand. And of course, him being him, the weakling that he is, doesn't see that he just got played.

Yes he was responsible for a lot of the hurt and pain that he put me through. But I was a willing participant. I would've gone through that and more. Because I loved him. Of course then we go on to argue - did I ever *truly* love him, or was I just in love with the idea of loving him?

*shakes head*

As long as I hold steady knowing that we can't be, everything will be fine. I had hope that I would reach that point while we were still sorting things out. But to be honest, a part of me watched that undercurrent. the unspoken bitterness and his frailities in his indecisiveness.

Maybe we never really had a chance. I just hate to see him rationalise it out for me. That we were two different people with two different approaches. I don't need to be lecturered by him. I know more about this, I've thought more about this than he ever has. Or maybe, I just don't want to be wrong or to have someone gainsay me. If we ever become friends again I know that I will dredge up the past. It's the type of person I am. Hell, I'm still bitter about the first guy I fell for. And while we remain close friends, and I never say anything to him about it, not really, he doesn't really know that somewhere I harbour something that says 'hey, how dare you pick someone else over me?'

Perhaps this is all it was. I sit there and I wonder how can you not love me enough? This is me! Even you admit that you "turn into putty" everytime you see me. ANd you know that I am great company. So what is it that stops you from loving me properly? Is it that I gave out too much too soon? Was it the situation? Was it the fact that we had different expectations and on top of that we didn't give each other enough space and time to sort things through? I never knew that the thesis meant that much to you, that you'd spent 3 years planning on it. If you had told me it would have given me some more understanding (perhaps).

But to be honest, knowing that you don't love me enough suffices. I can't beat that. So I accept. And I hope you caught it when I said that I had to accept to stop loving you. And while it wouldn't bother me in the slightest if I knew that you were hurting and crying yourself over regrest tonight, it won't kill me to know that you won't. Perhaps I can even summon up some indifference. I hope so.

I also hope that I will find someone who can be ten times what you and I were. I don't want to believe that our friendship was a one of a kind. I don't want to believe that our friendship was really so rare. It was always something nice that we had between us. But to be honest, I think all along I was looking for a relationship. Maybe not knowingly with you, but once you mentioned and offered it, and I caught a glimpse of what could be, well... I was sold. To have someone that I could talk to constantly. To have someone who not only kept his full attention on me, but was also quick witted enough to keep up and throw me for a loop sometimes. To have someone who made me laugh, and was more affectionate and tender than I had ever imagined... It was more than I had ever dreamed or hoped for. And that was what made it special. that you exceeded my expectations. And I know I got a bit overzealous over you. Because I was that scared of losing you. So maybe I didn't understand you as much as I had wanted. And it honestly doesn't matter how much you wanted for us to work out. Because you didn't want it badly enough to stay and work it through with me.

Maybe it could have worked. But I was being stubborn too. I saw your suggestions as a type of rejection. And I was mortified to think that *I*, *me*, could be rejected. If I was everything that you ever dreamt or hoped for, then why the hell were you letting me go? Couldn't you have surrendered some of your pride? Couldn't you have sat me down and said, 'I love you more than anything in the world, and I want us to work out. I promise you with everything I've got that I will treat you right. But in the meantime, can we just hang for a while?' And while I admit that you did say all those things, somehow it didn't work out. I can't figure it out. Maybe it really was all my hurt pride and vanity. Maybe I've done such a good job at this that I've managed to turn all the guilt onto you. Because hell if *i'm* going to be the bad guy.

I know you're sick of it. You said so yourself. So maybe you are very relieved to have me leave. Because no longer will you hear me reminding you of how much you hurt me.

I just wish you hadn't slammed that door in my face so abruptly. Told me that you didn't know what you wanted, and that you needed this to stop, that you couldn't give me you. It seems you were always just a little off the mark, once everything went downhill. And I know that despite all my claims, my pride and vanity played a large part. I can't change the past, and I doubt that given it all again, I wouldn't do the same. I can't say for sure. I just know that you constantly gave out mixed signals and I tagged along. If only you had a clear picture in your mind of what it was that you wanted. And had never let things progress the way they did.

You know a lot more about me than anyone has a right to. Especially for an ex (now that we can safely call you this) who was only around for a month or two (but of course who promised that he would be here "for a very long time").

You say that it kills you most that you lost the friendship. I say that it kills me most that I lost the relationship. And there's nothing anyone can do about it until someone bends. I may well be the one to bend one day. But it's definately not right now. And while I haven't said it outright to you, I've said it, if not in so many words. You may be tired and dying from lack of sleep, so maybe you won't pick up all the nuances.

Tonight was for me. In some ways, every time I prodded for answers from you, it was for me. As I caustically told you the other night, you've come back into my life as confused as when you left. And I had so hoped that you would come back knowing what it was you wanted. Maybe you do. You just want friendship. And maybe I just keep constantly forgetting. Because I *want* you to want a relationship.

I guess the ideal situation is that you never get over me, and that you wish that we could work out as a couple. But as much as that would be gratifying, I think I'm going to have to stop mulling over it all the time. I must sound so repetitive putting down the same thoughts over and over again with slightly different phrasing. But ironically it's what's going through my head. Straight from brain to keypad. This is truly what goes on in my head. Round, and around, and around.

So at the very least I've found my way out of the maze. (I hope). And when tomorrow morning hits, and I hug my pillow in the dawn light, I hope that my sudden impulse to hug that pillow and cry out your name softly is simply a passing whim. I honestly miss having someone. I miss the affection. Maybe it's shallow of me to want it. But I can't help it. It's one of the bad things about getting involved in relationships. Once you know what you're missing out on, there's no going back. Like they say, careful what you wish for. And now that I know there is potential for someone to be as tender to me as he once was, well, I can't help but want it. Despite all the pain and hurt.

I wanted to read the msn log one more time. But in the process of re-blocking and re-deleting him it seems that I can't open up that log anymore. Oh well. What's done is done then huh? From now on he's out of my life for good. Or at least until I see him at graduation. It will be interesting to see if he will talk to me or look me in the eye. I will most probably smile and be friendly. If only because it will be a good day for me. And I can never stay mad at anyone for long.

There is hope in a way about this entire tragedy. But I must also be realistic and acknowledge that we may never work out again. I now finally understand why people say that relationships based on friendships can be so risky. And why those very relationships will jeopardise a friendship, no matter how solid. So much for hoping that I could love someone who was a close friend. Guess I'll have to think twice next time.

So we're through. Well and truly through. And for my own sake and credibility I have to make sure I stick this through. I can't give him any more leeways or contradictions. Because if I give an inch it will immediately get complex. And we will again go around in circles. And I hate hearing him rationalise. And I hate him telling me that we won't work out.

If I gave him the easy way out, so be it.

I stuck it through. (or at least i hope so). I can no longer tell. I've made such a twisted wreck of all this.

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 9:53 pm