Closing Butterfly
Bitter and amusing joke for the day:Q: What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A: A Nervous Wreck.
I was talking with a work colleague today about my troubles. She's kind've in the same situation so we're in the kitchen consoling each other. (I know, not the most private of places to talk about affairs of the heart). anyway. she suggested that I just tell him what I *really* want. And explain the entire situation to him. If it's not what he wants, then I move on. Because right now I'm not going anywhere with this. ANd I won't be able to until I get this sorted.
I agree with her logic - except for one thing. I don't know if I really *want* to move on =S Which I know, entirely defeats the purpose of this exercise. I guess somewhere deep down I'm scared of moving on. I'm scared that I'm letting go of a good thing. Even though my rational mind says that he can't be that good of a thing if I'm going through all of this in the first place. What is wrong with me? Is it in fact love? Infatuation? Pride? THe fact that someone once considered me worth their time? And the idea that I have to face singledom in its entireity? Am I so petrified of being alone?
I guess I like to keep my options open. And knowing that I could be the one responsible for closing this chapter on my life scares me a bit. To be honest, I'm absolutely petrified. I'm so scared that if I tell him that deep down I'm still looking for a relationship that he will reject me again. And my ego can't take very much more rejection - especially not from him.
Maybe I will take my workmate's advice. But I'll give myself a week to sort this out first. And then I will tell him. I will stop playing games. Because, as much as he may deserve to play those games - honestly, are you really that kind of person? Do you really want to mess with his head? I mean, yes I know that you don't think it's fair on you that you have to do anything. But at the same time, you know yourself that you're way too impatient for your own good. And this is already half screwed as it is. You may as well scrunch up the rest and throw it in the bin. Why hold onto this?
I know it's scary. To go back out there, like *Really* go back out there. I just want some comfort. I want someone there to hold my hand and go through this journey with me. But there is no one I can trust to tell the honest truth with. He was the only one. I have no 'fallback guy' after this. This will be it. For better or worse if I kick him out of my life, that will be It. A chapter ended.
Hrmm...
*sigh*
Guess I'll leave it now for food for thought. Time to go chasing my train home!
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 5:26 pm
1 Comments:
That joke is pretty good... haha!
We all need a someone there for us to help pick us up when we are down. And when we are down, that is when we feel lonely.
(N. i wanted to post a comment earlier but the web site sort of 'hung'.)
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