Freaked Butterfly
I just realised that if he really wanted to, he could find this blog. *gulp*Seeing as things are coming back on track he may well get offended to know that I've typed up so much about him and put up so much that perhaps should have been kept quiet. o crap.
I mean, he has a lot of time on his hands. And if he chooses to he can go exploring and through links come back here to find me. And I haven't exactly tried to be very secretive. I didn't even bother changing msn nicknames... I mean I've changed it now, but the link is still so obvious.
At the same time I don't want the knowledge that he could someday come across this hold me back from the purpose of this blog. I use this place as a means to vent and sort out my thoughts and feelings. I don't want him to take this away from me. And I'm not about to move and set up shop elsewhere just because I'm threatened. I want the freedom to express myself and be me. Maybe I should see if I can tweak a few changes. Some things have to stay the way they are. There's no point otherwise. i.e. the whole name thing is so integral to the entire thing, there's no point.
You know, why should i care so much though? I mean, a while ago I had honestly hoped that he would accidently come across this place and realise how much he's hurt me. All the stuff here is honest. I guess I'm freaking because I've posted up some things that aren't exactly good for his character or reputation, despite not naming him. And if he gives out the photoblog address to his friends, even if he doesn't find this page, his friends could. *gulp*
Oh who cares? Why am I even getting involved in all of this? Why cause all this trouble for myself? If he comes, he comes. And he finds out what I really thought of him and what I went through. If he doesn't understand or appreciate that I needed an outlet, then so be it. I never named him here, and while the emails were personal, no one else ever got to know that it was he that wrote them. Ethics and morals my foot. Is it just because it's on the net and available to everyone? Is that what the problem is? That anyone could come across it? But it's not defamation without a name. Or is it just the simple act itself can be construed as a betrayal? If he did that to me, would I get upset? I don't know.
Guess I'll have to think about it.
eeeek.... *Sigh*
Isn't it always like this though? The guilty always see everything so clearly and get so paranoid. We see the links as pretty much obvious. we make jumps of logic that only we can see. Because we know the whole picture.
*sigh*
Looks like I'm trying to play a very dangerous game, walking on the double-edged sword. Trying to keep one side to myself, while maintaining everything else on the side.
Reminds of that old joke about the porcupines if only for the punchline.
Q: "how do porcupines make love?"
A: "very carefully"
*crawls back into emotionally unstable black hole*
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 1:34 pm
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