Fearful Butterfly
God I'm a mess. I know I said it before, but I'll say it again. I'm scared of moving on. I'm terrified that once I let go, this will be it and I will never have someone who loves me as much as he once loved me.I'm such a fool.
I talked to him online tonight and he's suggested that we meet up to talk about this face to face. Looks like this is my make it or break it interview. so to speak. I may as well put out all the guns. After this, I have the bad feeling that it will all be over for good and there will be closure. And bizarrely I'm absolutely terrified of what that will bring.
He tells me that he still loves me, but that he doesn't want to put me through any of this again. He doesn't know if he wants to truly commit to being more than friends. We're going to need *hours* to sort this through. My lunch break so is not going to be enough.
Give me strength to see this through.
I don't want it all to end. I don't want all my little fairy castles to fall into shards on the tarmac. I don't want to be heartbroken again. I've skirted around the issue for so long simply because I *don't* want to be in this situation. I *don't* want to have to face reality. I don't want to know that yet again I don't make the cut. And I don't want to know yet again that we are through and that I'm not worth his time.
I hate you. I hate that you put me through this. And as logical and reasonable as your suggestion is, I hate that this has to happen at all. can't you just leave me in the Denial castle wistfully combing my hair and imagining all that could be, instead of noting all that can be? Why must you force me out of my self imposed sanctuary? Why must you?
I don't want to get over you. I want to hope and imagine and dream. I want to picture the fairy tale ending where you come back and beg for my mercy and forgiveness. Instead you come at me with rational and justification that I cannot refute. I hate all of you capricornians, despite your irrisistable charm and air of authority and implied strength and assurance. Your arrogance is a double-edged sword. Your noble intentions are overshadowed by your own selfish needs and wants. And yet again you take over the situation.
Even when I thought that I had control, when I thought that the ball was in my court, it never really was. You are in fact comfortable with everything. Silly me, who has had restless days trying to sort out what I want and whether I can trust you again. Because all along you don't really give a damn. Or so it seems. I know I'm getting overly dramatic.
I don't want to face you. I don't want to clear the opium clouds. I don't want to see you stand there and ground me and tell me that we can't be. That we never can be, and that you're unwilling to try. I want to have the strength, foresight, knowledge and ability to throw you out of my life. But unfortunately for me, you will have the upper hand. I don't want to see you. I don't want to be told that I am worthless and unworthy of your time. I don't want to feel the rejection without the escape of a thesis to keep me sane.
I don't want to face reality. I don't want to cry myself to sleep every night and think how stupid I am. I just want to be locked away in my little castle and dream of all that could be between us. Why won't you give me that?
Whoever said that love was fun was a sick heartless jerk. Love is hurt. Love is pain. Love is never worth it in the end. Love is rejection. Love is an illusion, a fairy floss that we give to kids so that they can sleep peacefully at night.
I never want to love again. I never want to open my heart to have it trampled on the way you have done to me. I don't want you to do this to me.
I don't want to feel worthless in the face of reason.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 11:24 pm
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