Battling Butterfly
It's not that I'm angry, and it's not really that I'm bitter. I'm just confused. WHere do I go from here? Three months ago I was so upset and hurt. All I wanted to know was why. WHy did it have to end that way? WHy did it hurt so much? WHy couldn't we remain? Then somewhere in October I snapped and went, 'fine, leave me. I don't care, I have things to do and a life to live' and went straight from angsty pathetic to angry and bitter.Today I essentially have all the answers that I was looking for in September. It ended because he couldn't handle the pressure. It hurt because I loved him, he'd chucked away my self respect, and he chose to go away. It hurt because I lost. WE couldn't remain because he fell apart and couldn't handle the idea and pressure of us being together. NOthing he could have done could have saved us. THe only way it could have worked was if we had both agreed to wait. And impulses and emotion overrode and lack of will meant that we let it all slide. Both are at fault. It wasn't just one of us, it was both of us. But damned if I'll ever tell him that or ever admit it to his face.
The question it seems now is whether or not I want him in my life. All my fantasies about us being more can only come into reality if we become friends first. I have to be able to accept him back into my life, and also accept that there is a strong chance that we will never be more than friends. I don't think he will ever know what it is he really wants with me. His idea of friendship and love is so convoluted and complex. I for one am not volunteering to unravel it.
So if i'm asking myself where do we go from here, the answer is we go from wherever I feel comfortable with. If i can accept us as friends only, then we become friends. If i feel that I cannot accept friendship, then that's the end.
The catch is that the bitterness was so strong it permeated every fibre and pore of my thinking processes. It's very hard sometimes to put the machete down and come to the table to talk it out and shake hands like civilised people. Bitterness and anger were such strong emotions in my psyche and I revelled in the legitimate ability to harbour antagnostic thoughts and feelings towards someone. Finally i could indulge in misery like a pig wallowing in a mud pen. I can feel buckets of self-pity and be justified and have sympathetic voices at my door. I was not a 'loser' (although i'm sure some will argue otherwise) as much as I was victim to a cruel and heartless boy.
But today I know the answer. Today I know the truth. Assuming of course that he isn't playing with me. But no, he's not that conniving. And what to do with that truth? Where do I go? What can I accept?
I have had someone today suggest that I use the well-worn theory of Time to let things heal and pass me by. I agree in some form. TIme has allowed me to heal to the point where I can go about and do my work and still be happy. At the same time, his current presence in my life brings about paradoxical feelings in me and they constantly battle against each other. The once-fallen and believed buried emotions of love have resurfaced to fight another day with my five headed dragon (anger, bitterness, hurt, spite and resentment). Meanwhile it's self-pity that seems to be umpiring. And all the other split personalities are simply the spectators in this blood sport.
I guess one mode of action is to simply continue down this path slowly and see where it goes. While my feelings fight it out I'll continue talking to him. I was rereading the msn conversation last night before going to bed, and noted that most of my replies to him were fairly hostile. I give him credit for sticking it through and continuing to talk to me. At the same time, now, three months later, I wonder if I have changed any. If my actions and my attitude towards things that reflect his nature have hardened. Or if I am still the same, despite the anger, bitterness and resentment that broils underneath the surface. I will have to ask him one day - but not anytime soon. After all you can't make judgements just on two conversations now can you?
I doubt very much I have changed all that much though. I, the emotionally-stunted in a constant state of denial would rather push on and move on than have to sit, wallow and sort out what i went wrong and accept. If anything, the only accepting I have been doing is simply shoving it all in the cupboard under the sink. Emotional growth cannot be so easily acquired.
When thinking about the potential for us to be friends, I am reminded of a passage in one of my astrology books a while ago. I posted it up here in September (astrological butterfly). Of note is this passage:
"Friendships in this combination also have the capacity to be deep. It is the Sagittarius-Capricorn who is likely to rise in stature in the eyes of the Taurus -Gemini, and through their relationship, much like the statue in George Bernard Shaw's Pygmalion and like Eliza Doolittle in My Fair Lady. Unfortunately when the statue becomes real and comes down off its pedestal, the sculptor gets left in the lurch when his beautiful creation walks out the door. Attachments and subsequent breakups here can be extremely painful."
The thing is though, I already dealt with the painful breakup. I moved on. Or am i deluding myself? Obviously he is experiencing first hand the reality of my departure. But I came to a conclusion a few weeks ago that no matter what that book says, he's not that great a person, and does not deserve my time or effort. He is nobody in the face of my life. If he could hurt me like that, then why should I constantly debase myself in front of him? I am better than him in all respects.
Yet, here I am reconsidering my decisions. Reconsidering my conclusions. Am I tempting fate by reconsidering, and is this temptation a good thing? Or is it always bad to gamble with matters of love, friendship and all manner of relationships?
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 2:08 pm
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