Selfish Butterfly
I hate my mood swings. I went out with the family today and watched as I swung from congenial to irritated back to playful before moving on to resentment and then remorse. All in the space of four hours. At the irritated stage I could even feel tears prickling my eyes. *shakes head*Thinking back the first change was based on the most menial of things. My brother had taken my camera and mucked around with it. And I wanted it back to take a picture of one specific thing that was very time specific (i.e. if he didn't give me the camera NOW, the picture would be lost). Suffice to say he didn't give me the camera in time. And I got so grumpy and irritated. It made me wonder if all 'artistes' if I dare even contemplate lugging myself under that category feel the same sort of agony when their opportunites to capture something are lost. Is there an artistic mood swing that is specific to the creative side in all of us? And if so, is there a pill I can take to alleviate the symptoms?
Over all though, watching my behaviour from an observer's perspective I must admit that I am in fact pretty selfish. You could even go so far as to argue that I am in fact a spoilt brat. At 22, I'm a still a spoilt brat. *sigh*
There's just been so many things running rampant inside my head lately. It's gotten to the point that the little hamster running on the treadmill inside my head doesn't even know what it's doing anymore. it's little 'ham'strings (har har) have just about seized up and cramped. But the wheel keeps on turning. And I/it can't slow down.
So many thoughts battle for prominence. I feel so guilty about taking out all my frustrations on my family. Yet I seem to have this stubborn belief that family is family simply because they will take you as you are. You don't have to show any pretence at home, and if that means you get to throw temper tantrums when things don't go your way so be it. (again, the spoilt brat tag goes here). I watch so many families where the children are so respectful of their elders. Where they don't talk back and accept things meekly, or at the very least will do things for their parents etc. I practically lord over this family. In the last few years I've noticed that I treat everyone as equals, from my mother to my brother I treat them as if they were all on the same level. Well, to an extent anyway. I still boss my little brother around, but in general, like I can hold a conversation with him and stuff. It's not like I patronise him intentionally or anything.
But yeh, I honestly feel the flaws in my character. I can see them as clear as day and I shake my head in remorse. I know that the day my mother passes away I will never forgive myself for my actions. Yet I see the way I treat her and I see the way I am around the house sometimes and I can't seem to stop my actions. Power in the hands of mortals leads to corruption. Always.
And then there's this whole relationship thing. I say that I need space. I say that I need time to sort out my true feelings before I can trust him. And then I watch as I go on msn, and my breath immediately catches in my throat. I start to hyperventilate and my mind starts whirring with a dozen thoughts per milisecond. My heart literally stops for another milisecond when I see his name pop up on msn. Tell me, what the hell is with that? Has my heart already decided that I want him back? Or is it just that I've preprogrammed myself to feel this? Have I argued for so long that if he came back I would accept, that now that he's here (with albeit arguably shady reasons - yes very arguable I know), I go on autopilot?
I know that I don't know what I want. I will be the first to admit it. I'll even sign in blood or immortalise it in plaster if you want. All I know that his return has put me in a spin. I don't think that if he had waited another three months if my reaction would be any different. If in another three months without him I would have decided that my moments of weakness where I break down and cry myself to sleep or tell myself that I want and need him, are just that - moments of weakness that mean nothing in the big scheme of things.
In times of cynicism I laugh at my actions and tell myself that relationships are all just a joke. That once you start and you start realising some of the things you are missing out on, that you become forevermore stuck on that neverending treadmill. There is no moment where you can reach out and press the stop button. Instead you just keep on walking. And the circumstances, be they with different people or simply different circumstances all revolve around the same types of feelings regurgitated over and over again. And as sick as I can get over these feelings of remorse, self-pity, rejection and self-respect, I can't seem to get myself out of this ditch of mine. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just a sucker of tragic circumstances and constantly set myself up for the fall.
I honestly don't know what to do with myself, and as I watch myself interact with him, I wonder if I'm really doing the right thing. It seems like I say one thing and do another. I say I need space, yet every night I go on msn and sit and watch and wait. How pathetic is that? And that's not to argue that I'm not keeping myself open to other people. Maybe what it all comes down to is my own sense of self-worth. I know that life does not revolve around one person. I know that I can be my own person without having constantly needing someone else to validate my existence. Hell, I'll be single for principle alone if necessary. It's just that he's come back in a sense. And while I sit here and sort out what I want to do with him, I also don't have the heart to kick him out for good.
It seems I'm a bit too sentimental for my own good. And no amount of sleep will help me out of this one.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 4:23 pm
1 Comments:
I think when it comes to families, the sons and daughters are all a little "spoilt" sometimes. i guess it is pretty much because we are in some sort of comfort zone where we need to behave our "roles". For example, mothers love to nag and siblings will always quarrel (sometimes for very trivial matters).
When we get more mature, we begin to value such family relations and even feel that we need to treat our family a little better. Though conscious of that fact, strangely enough, we still irresistably squabble. It's almost like if you don't do it, it'll be acting out of character and perhaps out of nowhere, an invisible director will shout "CUT!!". But being conscious means you'll know when to draw the line.
Human relations and emotions can be confusing but i guess that is why that's life. =P
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