Sunday, December 11, 2005

Befriending Butterfly

I'm talking to my friend on msn. A friend that I haven't spoken to in over 2 months or more. We fell out over her being critical of me. Guess I can't really take criticism eh? I didn't feel she was supportive of my actions. No one seems to understand that I do in fact care about my family and that they are important to me. Perhaps I'm the one in denial. Who knows.

But I'm sitting here chatting to her, wishing in my heart of hearts that she'd give me an apology. But in my desperate attempt not to be too dramatic and lose a friend (even though you may argue I already have - out of my own choice) I have let her off easy.

The more I sit here, the more I wonder:

a. why are we friends?
and
b. do I really care all that much about her and my bunch of school friends? Or am I just being stubborn?

And here I go being all honest and upfront. Because, oh I don't know why because. Because I don't feel comfortable otherwise? Because I want to live up to the ideals my boyfriend has placed on me?

I asked him one night why he loved me. And he told me because I was 'true'. And even today he pointed out that I just told things as they were. So having said all that, perhaps I am trying to live a little too hard that idea of being 'true'? I don't know.

I remember telling my counsellor one time how when I was young I refused to be friends with certain people. I was in fact a bit of a snob. Still am in some ways. The kids who were never really nice to me in school would wave and say hello, I would turn my head and pretend they didn't exist. My reasoning at 5 was that if they couldn't be bothered showing me their kindness at school in front of their friends, then why should I show them mine? Be it inside or outside of school? Although as I type this up, I am wondering if perhaps I just didn't recognise their attempts to be friends with me, this feeling of stubborness has stayed with me throughout my life.

I remember having those same thoughts when I was 12, and 16. Why bother being nice to me outside of school when no one is there to see you doing it, when you obviously care enough about peer pressure not to do it when there are people watching...

Anyway, my counsellor suggested that this was a strength rather than some derogatory anecdote to prove how snobbish and stubborn I was.

I really am quite mixed up about my own personality sometimes.

So here I am chatting to her on msn, and rather than pretend everything is ok, which it isn't in my mind, I'm breaching this subject. Bringing it up and telling her how much she hurt me. Call me egotistical, but I can't help it if I feel like sometimes like it's all about me. There's no point me trying to be friends or whatever with you if I can't feel comfortable to be with you in the first place.

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 10:41 pm 1 comments

Monday, December 05, 2005

Financial Butterfly

So it's been a while since I've posted. Life plods on. News today that the job he's applying for has a salary of six figures. He tells me that if he gets this job, he'll become a consumer. "I've never had that much money before." Either have I.

A few hours after that revelation, I am starting to think. How does our situation change once he gets so much money? Is it all his? Will he give me some, or will he only spend it on me when I am there? Do I get to touch that money? Probably not. I think he's still adamant on the whole, 'your money is yours to do with as you will.' And his money is his to do with as he wills.

Things have quietened down with him. Had a sweet talk with him last night. But home is as awkward as always. Don't really want to go into it.

Suffice to say, that I was watching scrubs, of all things tonight and the doctor had this psychologist who was so helpful in pointing out his foils etc. Made me wish I had a doctor like that. But I always seem to run after the second session.

Our house is coming along well. I've got my new fandangled epson r800 and it's working like a charm.

See, back to topic though, how does it work that he gets all the money? I don't like knowing that he earns so much more than me, and that I only get my hands on it through proxy. For eg, he might spend a bit more on groceries, and if I'm with him, I'll get to buy a few goodies with his money. What I'd prefer instead is if I could use his money myself. For eg, I'm going out to lunch and I feel like getting a frozen yoghurt. Instead of trying to curb this craving, I can buy it, secure in the knowledge that a. we can afford it, and b. technically it's his money.

Am I being selfish? I dunno.

Like he pointed out the other day, he doesn't care about money the same way I do. This from the man who took one of those fun personality tests that had money right at the top of his list. ha! =P

anyway, it's getting late, and I need to go to bed. But I can't help but still think about all the issues that come with him getting a higher salary (not that it's all confirmed yet). But to be honest, right now I can't help but wish/hope he doesn't get it. Being poor together is a lot more reassuring/comforting in a strange way than one person getting a siginficant rise and the other remaining on the same salary.

Or maybe it's just me.

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 10:43 pm 0 comments