Sunday, February 27, 2005

Adoring Butterfly

You know what I've just noticed?
I love hearing your voice on the phone.

Sweet, smooth and oh so adorable.

Boyish charm.

But I think smooth is the keyword.

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 11:36 pm 0 comments

Saturday, February 26, 2005

Afraid Butterfly

Would this say everything that you want to say to me?

She said, "I've got to be honest,
You're wasting your time if you're fishin' around here."
And I said, "You must be mistaken,
I'm not foolin', this feelin' is real."
She said, "You've gotta be crazy!
What do you take me for?
Some kinda of easy mark?"

"No, you've got wits,
You've got looks,
You've got passion,
But i swear that you've got me all wrong."
All wrong

All wrong

But you've got me

I'll be true,
I'll be useful,
I'll be cavalier,
I'll be yours my dear
I'll belong to you
If you just let me through

This is easy as lovers go.
So dont complicate it by hesitating.
This is wonderful as loving goes.
This is tailor-made,
What's the sense in waiting?


I said, "I've got to be honest,
I've been waiting for you all of my life."

For so long I thought I was asylum bound,
But just seeing you makes me think twice.
And being with you here makes me sane.
I fear I'll go crazy if you leave my side.

"You've got wits,
You've got looks,
You've got passion,
But are you brave enough to leave with me tonight?"
Tonight

Tonight

You've got me

I'll be true,
I'll be useful,
I'll be cavalier,
I'll be yours my dear

I'll belong to you
If you just let me through
This is easy as lovers go.
So dont complicate it by hesitating.
This is wonderful as loving goes.
This is tailor-made, what's the sense in waiting?

This is easy as lovers go.
So dont complicate it by hesitating.
This is wonderful as loving goes.
This is tailor-made, what's the sense in waiting?

This is easy as lovers go.
So dont complicate it by hesitating.
This is wonderful as loving goes.
This is tailor-made, what's the sense in waiting?

Dashboard Confessional ~ As Lovers Go

~*~*~*~

We argued yesterday and you let me know something that has absolutely floored me.

"For example, are you saying that if I asked you to marry me anytime in the next three years, you would say no?"

We've only been together for a month.

And the more I think about it, suddenly it feels like my world is caving in on me. Three years to move out of home and live my life the way I choose. Three years to make up to family all the hurt and pain I caused by my insensitive words. Three years to live out all my dreams and plans before things come to a head.

Yes marriage is the next logical step to dating, but I had just thought that you wanted me to move out of home so that we could spend more time together. I didn't realise that moving out or with you would be so major.

I talked to one of my good friends last night and discovered that everything my mother had said to me was in fact very valid and true. Because my friend pretty much reiterated everything that mum had said.

I never planned to get married anytime soon. I didn't want a machete hanging over my head like this. I don't want to be bound to you any more than I already am. And I am already defending you. More so than I should be after a month of dating you.

What happens to all my life and dreams and hopes and expectations? Am I really supposed to settle on you? And if so, do I really, and I mean, really see myself settling down with you?

Maybe I don't know you as well as I should. We bridged some divides that perhaps we shouldn't have. We've jumped the gun on certain things and forgotten about others.

I don't dare say to you I love you now. The words just have too much meaning to them. I always knew you were serious, but the reason I made such a big fuss was because I had thought you'd just wanted to spend more time with me - i.e. me move out.

I am so emotionally confused. My friend commented last night that it seemed like I was drowning. Maybe I am drowning. Drowning in a sea of confusion with nary a life jacket or life boat in sight.

Can I make all of this more light-hearted? Can I just enjoy my time for now? Or are we still as before? You were right the other night, this is way too early to say anything. That I am everything you want.

And yesterday, "I'm no longer tempting you. I want you."

Crap it all to hell.

What happened to just letting things go and enjoying the time that we have? My fault I think. But still...

Everyone's freaking out, myself included. I think I might need some time and space on my own to clear my head. I need some independence back. I might just ask for some space later on in the week. And see if I'll miss you or not.

We're going down to the art gallery today. And it's a beautiful day. I guess I should just make the most of it, and leave it at that.

"For example, are you saying that if I asked you to marry me sometime in the next three years, you would say no?"

I am so shaken and floored. But then again, what on earth was I supposed to expect huh? A 34 year old man, dating a 22 year old. Our expectations in life are obviously going to be different, our perspectives, never the exact same, no matter how well we get along.

Deep down, this isn't going to work, you know that, don't you? It's just a matter of coming to terms with it. I still have my entire life to live. He's already lived his. So maybe it's just time to let things go a little and enjoy whatever it is that we can have for now, and let it go at that.

Would it be irrational to feel suddenly like pushing him away? Because I can feel it. My heart suddenly wants out.

My friend said to me last night: if you feel any doubt, any doubt at all, bail. Because you don't want to waste his time or yours.

Maybe I just need some space.

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 9:51 am 0 comments

Friday, February 25, 2005

Scared Butterfly

Words do not seem to coalesce into proper sentences for me today. My muddled thoughts clump together in unseemly ways. Strings of thought are tangled up in emotion and exhaustion. My brain's inability to focus brought upon by a lack of sleep. My mind filled up with family issues.

I need to ask you today what you meant last night when you said that you would ask me for a decision 'one day.' I didn't want to force the question last night, but the more I think about it, the more I realise I'd like to know. What did you mean by, "decision"? My decision about whether I want you to be in my life? Or my decision to move out? Yes, things don't need to change right now, in the immediate future or even in the short term future, say a couple of months. But let's just say that in a year's time, would you be planning to ask me whether I would want to move out of home? Is three years too long to wait for me? Are you in fact willing to wait for me?

Perhaps the questions are questions that should not be asked only a month after you start dating someone. Maybe I am pushing things too soon, and things have been said a little too soon. You essentially tell me that three years of dating is unacceptable to you. That your goals in life, what you want, are different to my own. Which is fair.

You tell me that I am everything that you want. I'm beautiful, intelligent and funny, and that I have an interest in everything. I guess...

I guess the answer that I'm half after, is that you can guarantee me that you will not go, and that you will wait for me, that I am in fact worth the wait. But that of course is not fair. I can't ask you to wait for me. I can't even ask you to do it my way. You've come waltzing in practically with your heart on a platter. What exactly are you asking from me? Love? Commitment? A 'relationship' in the most traditional sense? Moving in with you? Or am I missing the point?

You are your own person. An individual that I cannot force. I don't have any influence over you at all. You proved that the other night. So it's essentially what *you* want. I hate saying no to you, I really do. If only because I'm afraid that one day when I say no to you, you will walk away and never come back. I tried to tell you that, and you came back with, 'depends on the question that I'm asking'. I guess...

I'm afraid that my culture will drive you away. That my belief system, my sense of duty to family is too alien for you. That you will not accept or understand, and that in turn it will drive you away from me. And I don't think that's really fair - something that I have no control over will throw this all out of whack.

But of course, I haven't declared my undying love to you as of yet. I've only ever dared say that I miss you constantly. I'm scared of what will happen when I tell you that I'm falling for you. That I love you. Will you hold it over my head like a dangling machete? Will it stop you from showing me your love? Are you only after the chase? Once you find out that I love you, will you stop loving me? Will you begin to take me for granted? Will you cast me aside and begin to start refusing my advances because you have won?

My only card right now is that I have not told you as of yet upfront that I love you. I haven't laid my heart out on my sleeve over you. I'm afraid to. Can I truly trust you? Can I? Your love for me is unquestionable. The way you look at me, in all deep sincerity. The way you touch me, and the way you care for me. Yet I do have my own emotional baggage. My conflicts of interest can overwhelm you if I wanted to. The only way I deal with everything is by hiding it all away. Pushing them all aside and not thinking about them. I opened up a can of worms the other night, and now I have no choice but to clean it all out. Even though technically I could have just buried the whole stupid affair. So in turn, are you truly ready to deal with me and all its horrendous trappings?

In Sheryl Crow's words: Are you strong enough to be my man?

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

The suckers lose themselves in the games they learn to play
Children love to sing but then their voices slowly fade away
People always take a step away from what is true
That's why I like you around
I want you.

Yeah you do, you do...
You make me want you
An open invitation to your dance
Happenstance set the vibe that we are in
No apology because my urge is genuine
And the mystery of your rhythm is so feminine
Here I am and I want to take a hit
Of your scent cuz it bit
So deep into my soul
I want you.

Yeah you do, you do...
You make me want you
And I can't get enough
And I can't get enough...

The village churchyard is filled with,
Bones weeping in the grave
The silver lining of clouds shines,
On people Jesus couldn't save
You want to know how deeply my soul goes
Deeper than bones
Deeper than bones

And I can't get enough
And I can't get enough...

After we did it by the window sill
Smoke rings drift into the midnight sky
Presently in the quilt that your mother made
And a candle burns to fight off the gloom
I said to live this way is not for the meek
And like a jazz DJ you talk me into sleep
I said there will be no regrets when the worms come
And they shall surely come

Yeah you do, you do...
You make me want you
I want you.
Send me all your vampires
I want you.

Third Eye Blind ~ I Want You

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 9:01 am 0 comments

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Hypocritical Butterfly

Please just don't ask. Volatility makes my life a pain, but that's the way of the world.

Maybe I read that forecast wrong, and "careful what you wish for" meant that I shouldn't have wished things back.

Or maybe I'm being stupid and worthless again and still can't accept my life as it is. Given the opportunity to change things I didn't take it up, simply because I was unprepared for the turn of events. While I deserve the hostility and the anger for my actions, all I feel right now are the trappings resettling on my shoulders.

I have five years before I'm allowed out of the house. My curfew remains at midnight. I am 22 and an honours graduate, but I am still bound by the dictates of home. I won't be allowed out until my brother finishes university.

He won't wait for me. He's frustrated with all of this, and there's nothing I can do about it. I lost this battle. But more importantly what I should be aware of, is that it shouldn't be a matter of winning or losing. It should be a matter of acceptance and acknowledgement that there is nothing such as home sweet home.

But I don't like boundaries. As much as they're good for me. I don't want them. Right now I find myself wanting to wish five years - the most vaunted for five years - away. Just so I can do what I want when I want. Of course the irony is that what spurred all this on, will no wait for me. I know that. While some logic inside my head reminds me that if he's really serious about all of this, he will wait, and it won't stop him from loving and caring about me, I am also aware that this bridges a divide between us that I don't necessarily know how to fix. And regardless of whether or not he chooses to accept it, I can't help but want the things that are being offered. I can't help but believe or want to trust him to the point where I feel that what he says is right and very very valid. When in fact my mother may be just as right if not more than him. My inner psyche battles over this. My brain is fluxing in turmoil and my anger lies dormant bound by what I already know. I have a tendency to be stubborn in the face of refusal. I've done it before. And I'm too cowardly to ever change. I hate myself sometimes.

It's not even that I want to cry it all out. I just want to lash out. She asked me what I wanted. she told me to be honest. But see, I can't be honest. I can't tell her that I want to be allowed out all hours of the night, and that I don't want a curfew. I can't tell her that I wanted to take my boyfriend's offer up like a flash to spend 3 days on the coast, a mini holiday, as my birthday present in May. I couldn't tell her. I don't want to tell her that I want to spend a night over with him. I just can't.

If she can't accept me living with a guy, then how would she ever accept that?

All my other freedoms are fine. But this one, the Relationship, this one I can't fathom.

I want to break something. I was walking to work this morning and all I wanted was to be irrationally violent. But see, I'm not allowed to, because I had already agreed to live by her rules. It is her house after all. Perhaps home will always feel like a cage. And perhaps there's nothing I can do about it. Perhaps I am selfish. In fact, I know I am.

I just want out. Out of everything. I want to run and hide in a black little corner and never come out until everything fits my perfect vision of life. I don't want the boyfriend. I don't want the mother. I don't want the family. I just want unconditional love and the ability to do whatever I want. Maybe this type of thinking just emphasises that I don't know anything, and that I am immature. I probably am. I was told that while I was 22, I had the mentality of a 16 year old. Most likely.

I am also tired. I am lacking sleep. I have a report due, and I have a social function tonight where I am required to be clever, charming and ever so congenial.

Just give me a break and leave me alone.

"I don't want to know about evil,
Only want to know about love.
I don't want to know about evil,
Only want to know about love.

Sometimes it gets so hard to listen
Hard for me to use my eyes
When all around the gold is glistening
Making sure it keeps me down to size.

I don't want to know about evil.
Only want to know about love.
I don't want to know nothing about evil.
Only want to know about love.

Waiting for the planes to tumble
Waiting for the towns to fall.
Waiting for the cities to crumble
Waiting till the sea crawls.

Yes, it gets so hard to listen
Hard for me to use my eyes
'Cause all around that gold is glistening,
Making sure it keeps us hypnotized.

And I don’t want to know about evil,
I only want to know about love;
I don’t want to know anything about evil,
Only want to know about love.

I don’t want to know about evil,
Only want to know about love;
I don’t want to know anything about evil,
Only want to know about love.

I don’t want to know about evil,
Only want to know about love."

Don't Want to Know ~ Muki

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 9:01 am 0 comments

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Chastened Butterfly

We always make mistakes. We are constantly growing, and we can't live life out without messing up at least a dozen times. For the last three days I have stuffed up majorly. When I take a step back and really think about it, I recognise that most of the trouble lay in my own head. I am responsible. Because I don't understand my culture. I don't recognise, well I never have, appreciated my family.

Sometimes you never realise what you had until you lose it. And in some respects I've lost it. I've disappointed family. It never feels good to have your parents apologise to you that they didn't bring you up right. I can't help but watch everyone go about and do their own thing and wish that I had it also. The grass is always greener on the other side.

I really do have a lot of freedom - most of it I don't even know how to recognise or utilise. And then I sit there and think that family is a cage, and that my mother is my jailkeeper. And when you voice things like that out loud, you end up hurting. Hurting those around you, as well as hurting yourself. Because now, things can no longer be as they used to. And that's all my fault.

At the same time, perhaps this is something I need to learn. Life is never meant to be perfect. You are supposed to learn from your mistakes, and you are supposed to grow because of it. It's just that when you look back, you half wish that you hadn't brought up all the angst that was bubbling up inside you. At times like this you realise how young you really are, and sometimes you regret your actions that you ever voiced your thoughts and feelings out loud. Because by doing so, you've essentially waived your get out jail free card. You've forced things to a head. Even though you half knew the answer anyway, and that when it came down to it, things would eventually work itself out. But no, you had to look behind the curtain, you had to force out the wizard and see what was behind all the smoke and tricks. And by doing so, you end up exposing the bare bones of tradition and unspoken culture. The things that hide and protect the dignity of others. Essentially to plaigerise Scarlett, I 'broke the code.'

The young are always impetuous. The young are selfish. The young are irresponsible. No matter how hard I strive to be mature, my actions this weekend show otherwise. I am impetuous. I am selfish. I am immature.

And the irony is that what brought it all about was someone in my life. Someone who has all the freedoms that I crave. Someone who gets to go larking around all hours of the night, who has their own hours, and who gets to live the lifestyle that I want. And because I don't truly understand or respect my own, I immediately dismissed my own in favour of his. Not that I'm blaming him. I don't. It's got nothing to do with him. It's more about me, and how easily I am swayed. Because I realised yesterday afternoon, that he is simply telling me what he would like. I don't have to do it because he likes or wants it. And he will still respect me for it. And that's when you realise, perhaps you don't have to do everything that he wants, and that perhaps his view isn't necessarily the right view after all. Not that he ever said that it was. It was just a naievety about yourself, that when you trust someone, you end up trusting them completely. And imagine that everything they say is right. When in fact, he is simply voicing a want, and you assume that his want is right - when he is more than happy with whatever it is you decide. And perhaps that your mother always was right, and that she has a clearer head on her shoulders than anyone else you ever knew.

But in fighting against that, because you never realised it or cared to acknowledge it, you suddenly realise what you've thrown away. And while home dynamics have now essentially changed, we still haven't begun to find out whether this is in fact a good or bad thing. Or perhaps it is simply that - change. But just like the grass is greener on the other side, hindsight is always 20/20. Life 'before the blow out' seems so simple and easy compared to this. And no matter how much she continues to love you, a sense of trust in you has already broken. And nothing you can do will repair that. And it's not even because you chose to believe something that your boyfriend wants and is correct in telling you about. It's more that they've spoken to a desire within you, a rebellion of sorts that has always lain semi-dormant. Questions and strictures within that you have always fought against with only a vague understanding of what it all meant. Maybe this is simply a lesson. To teach me to accept who I am. And perhaps if this doesn't work out, it won't be anyone's fault, it will simply be something that happens because you know something about yourself that you never realised before.

By giving yourself the freedom to recognise that perhaps you can leave whenever you want to, as opposed to the stifling belief that you are never allowed to step foot outside the family home, you suddenly realise how much family means to you. No matter the fantasy that you want to move out and live your own life and live your own hours without having to ring home to tell them when you'll be back, or to know that they will stay up for you, the prospect of living out there on your own is scary. The loneliness that surrounds you, once you realise that by moving out, you would have no one but yourself scares you more than you care to admit. So that in the end, it's not so much whether you can move out or not, it's simply realising that perhaps, you just don't want to. Home is home. Home will always be home. And by moving out, the thoughts of nights constantly on your own scares you to no end. And you then begin to realise that perhaps the only way that it would become acceptable was if you were with him. Because he makes you feel safe. He gives/puts meaning into your life.

But then again, you dare not admit that to his face. It's bad enough that you tell him how important he is. But the thing that I'm starting to come to terms with, is that this time around I'm absolutely terrified of opening up. And it's not like I'm not starting to - because I am. But to pour your little heart out like that, means that he has the power again. And this time around, you don't want it all to fall apart. So you hold on desperately, trying to maintain your sense of decorum and the facade that you are stronger than you appear to be. That the fragility that lies underneath the cold brutish exterior is a part of you. When sometimes it's not. When all you want is to be loved and cherished and cared for. But as the days and weeks pass, you begin to see yourself open up. And all the doubts and midnight terrors that haunted you with the last one come back out of the woodwork. And the demons that you had thought you'd exorcised come back to haunt you.

Merely whispers but still present.

Will you always feel so empty inside? Is family the only way to fill this void? There are no guarantees in life and love. You love until you can't, until the bank is empty. And then what? What happens then?

I've come to realise that the prospect of moving out right now, is only appealing because I would have him. That my hours could surround him. Yet the irony is, there are no guarantees. Even in marriage - there are none. There are still outs in marriage. So what happens if I fight for this and then at the end of the day realise that this isn't working out? What happens when he leaves my life? What do I do then? Is he worth all of this? As bad as it is to say, I don't think so. I don't believe so.

Creatures of habit, I am afraid of change. Deathly afraid that the next bend on the road will be ten times worse than the dangerous bend I'm on right now. I'd prefer to suffer the familiar than the unknown. How cowardly am I.

Perhaps one of the things I have learnt is that the other person's way isn't necessarily the right way and that my family's way is the wrong way. Sometimes it can in fact be the reverse. And sometimes, both parties are right. It's just a matter of perspective and acceptance.

Sometimes I wonder though. How much can we in fact predict? How much do we know? What is the point of all this? To find happiness? Life having no guarantees is both depressing and liberating at the same time. There are four lines on the edge of my palm. According to palmistry, each line indicates a relationship. The darker/deeper the line, the stronger the love, impact and bond. For me, the first and last lines are the deepest. Suggesting that perhaps I will marry twice, or that I will fall deeply in love twice. Bookending my love life. Yet despite girlish desires, there is no guarantee that the love that I am predestined to experience will end well. It may well be that I will walk away from the first, wanting to experience more. And the last will all be on my side, and my life will end miserably with me sitting there alone, looking back on past loves and wishing that I had done better for myself.

That's the funny thing about love and life though, y'know? When you don't know what the future will bring, you imagine a world with a happy ending. And you somehow naievely believe that it can be possible. Yet as this weekend has proven, perhaps that isn't so much a reality as it is a fantasy.

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 10:51 am 0 comments

Monday, February 21, 2005

Wishing Butterfly

I'll write the introspective angst-ridden, internally conflicted verbose blog later. For now, I'll just put up today's astrological reflection and question where I am. The weekly forecast has already come to pass with awful repercussions. Nothing can be done about that now. But perhaps this will help. Or not. Either way, no one can ever say that all predictions are untrue. Probably at best you could argue that there is a grain of truth in everything and leave it at that.

I went to bed at 2 last night/this morning. Not really coherent. Not a good day to start writing up a snazzy report.

anyhow, perhaps I should just stop, post and ponder. I'm going out to lunch with him today. And I know what that conversation will consist of, and after reading today's forecast, well, I'm a bit concerned.

Be careful what you wish for now. Mars suggests there is a strong possibility that you may get it - or some of it, at least. Why should that be a problem? Because maybe, just maybe, you are wishing for something inappropriate. You may be looking at something you are briefly attracted to and growing stupidly desirous. Try wishing for the discrimination to recognise what you truly need. Then you'll be safe.
Careful what you wish for huh? Sometimes I just feel like I'm in a black hole. A dark tunnel that I can't get out of, hemmed in on all sides, and he's my only way out. And while I may well wish that he gets me out, there's also no guarantee that it will be for the best.

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 9:34 am 0 comments

Friday, February 18, 2005

Little Butterfly

Little dramas.

That's what makes the world go around.

Insensitivities, or in this case, too many sensitivities.

How to explain? How to bridge the divide? How to forgive and forget?

Is there in fact a point to all of this? What stops me from ending it all together? When the end path could may well still be the same. I know what I don't want specifically. To be tied down and married in the next three years. Guaranteed. I don't want to get married until I reach the other side of 25. Definately. Yet, do I want this to be it? Because if I stay and try and make this work, it may well be.

And there are still issues if I end this now. The awkwardness. The closeness. The unbearability of it all. The inevitability of it all.

Tell me, what's the point? Things aren't going to change anytime soon. I can guarantee you that they won't. Yet it seems like you are intent on them changing for your own selfish needs and desires. I can't meet those demands. If this is what it boils down to, and your insensitivites show through in times like this, well I'd rather not be here.

Yet sometimes I wonder if my actions are totally irrational and foolish. Or if I am simply being impulsive and young, and stupid. To be honest, I don't really know. There are just times when I want to throw in the towel.

I don't even know how deeply I am involved in all of this yet. I have no sense of how far I am. In some instances I feel like I haven't committed that much at all. That I'm playing it all by ear, and that I'm just flitting around, waiting for the penny to drop. After everything that's happened, you can't blame me for being a lot more wary about putting my heart out on my sleeve. But then again, I may well just be deluding myself. And in fact that excuse may well have grown old.

There have been so many moments in the last week, when I have felt the urge to say to you that I love you. Yet I dare not. Go figure. I'm afraid that if I voice it, a whole plethora of issues will rise up. And what happens then? How sure am I that I am in fact in love with you? It's funny how the sides of me fit together. How at one moment I can dismiss everything. How I know or feel at least that the power lies in the palm of my hand, and I can make or break this. And I will be able to sit there and watch it all like a fly on the wall. That I can distance myself behind some hard unbending wall, indifferent to the emotions of all living creatures. And yet, at the same time I can suddenly bend and open up my heart to you. I can emerge from that cocoon and feel emotion. And I know that you've got a soft spot in my heart where I want to tell you that I do in fact care. But even then, sometimes there's a hard edge to it all.

I can't even tell you that I'm falling for you. Because sometimes, I don't even know if I am.

Maybe that says something in itself. Maybe I'm just hiding from life and love by burying myself in you, because it's easier that way. To have someone who loves me, in the face of falling for someone who doesn't. Finally someone sees the potential that I have. Someone loves me for all that I am and could be, and that's enough. To remember what it's like to be loved again. And in the face of things, that sentiment of: 'you'll do'.

How cold, lame and distant.

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 9:12 am 0 comments

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Blase Butterfly

Today's prediction:

We all prefer sunshine to rain. Without rain though, there would be no growth. The endless sunshine would produce a dry desert. Be glad of the storm that has lately been casting such a daunting shadow over your world. Be glad now, too, of the new hope that you are starting to recognise. You have paid your price. Now you are being helped to claim a much-deserved reward for your recent struggle and sacrifice.

Let's hope so.

So things get resolved. And the world continues on turning.

Don't really know if what I'm doing is right or wrong. Just know that I have to keep on moving. It seems silly to stall. Especially after all past circumstances.

Going out to dinner tonight with old friends. Update on past lives, and so on.

I'm sure it'll all be great.

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 2:48 pm 0 comments

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Torn Butterfly

Sometimes there's just nothing left to say. When all the words have all spilt out of you, and you still feel like you're in limbo, the silence is deafening. Yet there is nothing that you can do about it. Because all the words have already been said.

When both parties already know what is going on. When both parties know the responses expected of them. What's left to do? There's nothing left to do, nothing left to say.

Ball's in your court. What are you going to do? How am I going to handle this? Because I was being stupid, and because yet again I am reminded of how young I really am in all of this. And being hit against the brick wall that is: "you are an adult, you can make your own decisions, and I won't interfere" effectively renders me speechless.

Instead I've sat here in turmoil for the last two hours. Hitting my head against the table for antagonising something. For bringing up things that albeit lay dormant, but fairly undisturbed. It's not even like you can question someone's motives.. it's all you. Nobody else's fault but your own. And you're left to sit there and wallow. And it's not even like you can throw a rug over it all and pretend that none of it exists. because the little angel inside demands attention. so what happens then?

You sit there questioning all your beliefs, and wondering if it was right to start at all? And whether everything that had happened was anything in itself. You're not a person that can easily be bullied. I truly have no control over you - in any sense. You are as someone once put it, a totally different person. Someone else. Absolutely foreign and oh so familiar at the same time.

There is no response to this. There is no argument to be breached. Things are as they are, and there's no going back. No erasing. No way forward either. The only one that's there - you don't even want to contemplate. You've always wanted him to do all the work. Most likely because it justified something in yourself. Made you believe that you aren't responsible for anything. By being the respondee, you have effectively wiped all responsibility away - except for now.

Yes, now. So what happens now?

I have no fucking idea.

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 4:54 pm 0 comments

Petty Butterfly

It's not that I'm upset. Well, not really anyway. It's just that maybe things irk me a little. Or perhaps I am just too sensitive to societal norms.

"You have moved up from desirable to essential"

"I like everything about you"

"I will treat you like you deserve to be treated"

"I miss spending time with you. I miss talking to you. I miss making love to you. I miss touching you"

"I don't deserve you"
"why?"
"you're beautiful, intelligent. And you're not jaded by life like me"
"so you get to have first dibs at jading me?"
"no, that's why I don't deserve you. I don't want to jade you"

"How do you do it? Become even more beautiful?"

"Is it wrong of me to want to take care of you?"

"you make me so happy"

and of course, the tried and true: "I love you"

....

yet despite all of these things, all these lovely sweet sentiments, words, sentences and thoughts, I received no card, no flowers, no gift. Just dinner. And well, it's not like we haven't had dinner before. Does this make me shallow? Especially when I got you a card *and* a gift - wrapped and put into a pretty bag no less.

Guess my speculations over that earlier line, "I'm wondering if you would be easy or hard to buy gifts for" was just a joke line.

I was questioned this morning.
"Where are the flowers? What did he get you?"
"Nothing."
"Well then this isn't serious then. He's not really interested. Every time before (previous Valentines Days) you always came home with flowers, a gift, or something."
*shrug*

Too shallow perhaps? Irrational being upset methinks? Not sure, to be honest.

I never voiced my disappointment.

To be honest, I don't really demand much. I've never really commented on your dress sense. I've never questioned any of your actions. Not really. I tend to be an easy going kind of girl. You do whatever it is that makes you happy. I won't fight you. Sometimes, it seems so extreme to make arguments over petty things like this. Just like last time. Over you drinking of all things. I don't want to be seen as naggy. I don't want to be domineering. And as much as perhaps I'd like to change you, well, I don't want all the turbulence that comes with it. And maybe I still feel out of my depth in doing so. After all, who am I to fight you? Who am I to change you? So many things ingrained after 34 years. What possible lengths could I go to? What possible power could I wield to change you at all? I'm still waiting for the killer line, "You make me want to be a better person" or something similarily Hollywood-esque.

Or maybe I'm just afraid of the backlash. The fallout, when you look at me in incomprehension and say defensively, what have I done to make you feel that I don't care? And the answer becomes, 'you didn't buy me a valentines day card/gift/rose' *shakes head*

Silly little girl head filled with romantic idealistic imaginings. Maybe all the things that you are treating me with now are simply par for the course. And I don't realise that they might not mean much in the big scheme of things: so you bought me dinner. big deal. so you treated me to the opera. yay for you. Or maybe those actions, and knowing that you care mean more than any measly rose or sentimental card or gift. And somewhere deep down I know this?

Or perhaps because I swore I'd stop the overthinking, and let things flow of their own natural accord, I'm a lot more hesitant and wary of making mountains out of molehills. Maybe I'm sitting back waiting to be fully wowed by you. Maybe deep down I know that it all doesn't really mean much. And that I should take a step back and look at the bigger picture?

So why do I feel so irritated then? Why do I hide my true feelings and petty resentments? Why do I lie when you ask me if I had a good night, and say it was great? Why do I start coming out with the sweet nothings, and tell you that you made it a worthwhile evening?

Why, when you tell me voluntarily that you will treat me the way a girl deserves to be treated, do I mentally berate you and think to myself, 'yes, but you didn't even get me a card' ?

One small step in the wrong direction. One tiny step, and despite all the implications that you are/will be showing/giving me the world, my impressions of this starts to falter. And the place slowly starts to/begins to crumble.

Petty, shallow, silly little girl.

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 9:29 am 0 comments

Saturday, February 12, 2005

Conflicting Butterfly

Things are putting along at a nice pace. Work is overrated and my standards are slipping. Meanwhile, to be loved is one of the greatest feelings in existence. Yet, despite that, I still find myself wavering a little. I was looking at a picture of you last night, and suddenly was thrown by an urge to dig up a photo of me and my ex.

...have I ever truly gotten over him do you think?

I dare not say to you I love you, because despite a few urges to say so, I dare not. In case what I say is not in fact true. I remember reading somewhere that geminis have a tendency to say things to people not because they feel it, but because they feel they should say it because it is what the other person wants/needs to hear.

Sometimes I don't know what I've gotten into. And sometimes it's like quicksand. The further along we get, the harder it will be to get out of. And I'm not ready to yet. Well, something in me fights against us. I think it's the appearances. But you do make me laugh. And we do seem to read each other sometimes. And while at times I feel there is no chemistry between us, or that it is all on your side, your kiss, your touch, your words can still send shivers up my spine and make me collapse into a little puddle on the floor. Such physical reactions cannot just be purely based on that - physical touch - can it? There must be emotion underneath it, surely? What is it that brings all these reactions to the fore?

Or is it yet again just the idea that a middle aged man, or someone of fair substance is interested in me? A well-made put together man? Well not so much well-made, but you know what I mean. And you treat me so well. You meet all my expectations of what a guy is supposed to do. there is no awkwardness in that sense. I don't have to worry about who pays for what. You will always drive me home. You respect my boundaries, and you treat me so well. I have no complaints.

Yet, you are the first to have treated me so well. Or at the very least, so right. And it's not that I'm afraid I will never find another who will treat me the right way. It's just that I don't know how it can all collapse. Maybe it's the soft heartedness in me talking. Or maybe it's just something that i don't want to face right now. But there is still that feeling in me somewhere that you and I shouldn't be. That refusal in me that says you are not what I want. But in spite of everything, I can't bring myself to say it. Maybe because if I do, this all ends. And I don't want to deal with that. Maybe. Or maybe my heart knows something that I don't know? I don't know.

I still get sudden impulses and urges to hug you. And a few times yesterday I was so tempted to tell you that I loved you. Yet I don't want to say it unless I'm absolutely 100% sure. Because by saying it out, I will have committed. And I want a distant heart on this.

I can't even say that I'm scared. I don't think it is. Or maybe it's just that I'm hiding. From you, from me, from everyone.

There are just moments sometimes when I get so conflicted.

I just want to wipe it all away. Everything.

And not think.

Is that possible?

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 10:50 am 0 comments

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Silent Butterfly

It's not that I'm mute, it's just that I'm quiet. I don't really have much to say. It seems that after close to 2 weeks, I've decided to give this a try. Not that I haven't said it here already. Just that I voiced it yesterday evening. I don't really know what I feel about it. It's not that I'm angsty or need to get things out in the open. It's more that I'm looking for something to do, and I figure this is as good an outlet or exercise as any to pass the time until 5pm rolls around.

I suddenly discovered this afternoon that I miss you. And your observation/prediction that work wouldn't matter soon seems to be coming true. Everyone is starting to 'move on'.

But that's not what I really want to talk about.

Could I venture to say that I'm totally lost and helpless around you? Not really. I guess what I'm really trying to sort out/find is a 'sense' of being with you. Like the other night when I realised I had begun to associate certain music or temperature changes to a certain someone, right now I'm trying to define us. What things define us. I can't wait until Thursday when we will take a day going down the coast (your suggestion).

I can't wait to spend an entire day with you. And I want to make sure that we do in fact have lots in common and lots to talk about. I want there to be substance in this relationship. Even more importantly, I've suddenly discovered that I also feel a little trepidation about it all. You say so often that you can't help the way you feel, that you just do. And what worries me a little is, what happens should one day you wake up and that indescribable feeling disappears? And the comfort, security, stability and loves disappears from you? What happens then? How will I deal with it? I'm wondering if part of me is simply crying out for someone to love me. And now that you're here, I have had moments where despite my trepidations about it all, I don't want to let it go. I know that I have a good thing here - despite everything - if only because I have someone offfering me their unconditional love. Or maybe I'm overspeculating, and it's too early to say. All I know is that like you, I am starting to feel a little scared about all this. Because nothing is ever set in stone, nothing is guaranteed, and well, this could fall apart as quickly as we somehow gelled together. In that unfathomable way that we never intended or believed possible.

In many ways, this situation that we're in is completely out of our control. The best we can do is make the most of it. You can't give me any guarantees, just like I can't guarantee you that I will fall for you 100%. But I'm not about to be stupid and look a gift horse in the mouth. It may sound desperate, and it may be the wrong way to see this. All I know is that I know what it is you're offering, and well, who am I to turn it down? I don't really know what that honestly says about me. And perhaps deep down I don't really want to know.

All I do know, or at the very least all I can face up to and tell myself these days is that I've been pushed around and feel a little battered. And perhaps you are the one I need in order to pull myself back together again. And the way that we're going about it, it all seems so right in a way. There is no trailblazing. No going against the grain, no rebellion. Just a simple feeling that everything we're doing is right. Just like that first evening at the Opera, when it felt like we were both within the bounds of an elastic band, and each of us were pushing against it. With each step that we made, somehow we were still bound to each other in an inexplicable way.

Most of it is out in the open these days. And while there's much to be said of open communication, I can't help but let go with a little regret the bedding down of certain uncertainties. The thrill of the chase, put to bed after 2 weeks. And you can't help but wonder sometimes if in fact we really are going too fast. Maybe I'll ask you that on Thursday.

I gave you my thesis to read today, because we had an earlier agreement that you would proofread my thesis when it came to the final wire. But due to my procrastination, you never got around to it. So I got around to giving it to you yesterday. And your comment that what you had read so far was good, reassured me. Somehow your praise, your suggestions, and most importantly your opinion is important to me.

You're down at your mother's today. You've been making oblique references to me going down to visit etc. I don't really know what to make of it all to be honest. I've seen her picture, and I'll be the first to say that I'm a little nervous and so not ready for it. She seems a little scary if you ask me. Or at the very least, I feel a little intimidated. A what? 60? 70? year old lady, judging me, speculating over what my true intentions are in dating her youngest son. She'll note the 12 year age difference. She'll note that I could do so much better. And most probably like so many people, will wonder why on earth I decided to settle on him? She will recognise (hopefully) the traits that will have made him interested in me. But when it comes to vice versa.... sometimes I feel that my reasons aren't sufficient to make a relationship work.

Just because someone loves you and treats you well doesn't automatically mean that you have to say yes and go out with them - right? Unless you have inner demons and emotional undertows that motivate you to do silly irresponsible and irrational things. I'm crazy to do this. And my mother is right to point it out to me also. But I'm an emotional rollercoaster junkie. What can I say? I have no defence against this.

And yet, despite it all, strangely enough, I suddenly have this overwhelming sweet desire to write a love letter to you, to tell you how much I miss you. And I do. I miss your presence. A little of the forbidding exterior that I put out to everyone, you included, has again flaked away. And I want to show you or tell you how much I care. I don't know how genuine that feeling is. All I know is that I impulsively want to hug you and send you an email and tell you that I miss you.

And the more I think about it, and try to pull it apart, the more I realise that I am just so lost and confused over this, fighting it all and yet accepting it all at the same time...

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 4:24 pm 0 comments

Saturday, February 05, 2005

Nostalgic Butterfly

I just finished copying all my sms msgs to my computer, and as I was checking that they all made the transfer safely, I came across sms msgs from the ex. Msgs like, "I LOVE YOU" "I miss you terribly" "I love you very much, never doubt that" and "I can't wait to see you tomorrow" just seem so bittersweet and hollow in hindsight.

It's funny how love can come full circle. It's strange to see these msgs from him, when my current interest sent me a sms today that said "yes i love you".

We had an argument of sorts last night, me reacting to little petty things that automatically make me jump to conclusions that I felt rejected and reinforcing feelings of mis(un?)comprehension that someone like him could ever be interested in me. I've been weighing the ideas in my mind for a while, and the first time he fought for himself, albeit through a sense of comfort more than anything else, I automatically lashed out. He says to me that he can't help me with my insecurities. Yes, I know. But him saying that doesn't really help me out either...

But back to the sms situation. It's funny how much feeling welled up inside when he (ex) used to send those sms's. He used to make me so happy that I cried. Thrilled that he loved and cared for me. So where did it all go wrong? How can we now not even be on speaking terms? His outlook on life is that he must always be in control, that he is always right, and that he knows he is stubborn. We don't see eye to eye on that matter, and while attentive and sweet, opening up for him is hard and difficult. And that doesn't help a relationship - least not one with me, known for my desire to talk and deconstruct things.

The irony though is that I don't even know what he thinks about all this. The last time I spoke to him, last Sunday, I was trying to sound him out. And while he was distracted with stuff around him, it doesn't really matter anymore. I still got the sense that things were stagnant with him. Which is so sad when you think about. When you look at the sms's that he was sending close to six months before, in comparison to the hesitation that mars his outlook on life right now, it just goes to prove that I was right to leave and move on. It's just a bittersweet feeling though. To reread those sms's and think, 'yes you may love me, but I have to doubt you, because you obviously didn't love me enough'. And while you were honest with me that you did care, but that you didn't care enough and that you were willing to let this all go, the fact that you tell me, 'but you have no idea how much it kills me to say. you have no idea how interested i am in you', yeh well, great to hear that. but it's not like you're really doing anything about it. And if you're not going to do anything about it, then well, it's best that I just go.

Staying around you will only hurt me. I felt those twinges on Sunday night when you msged me on msn, and I'd have my breath stuck in my chest every time the window flashed. And the silences absolutely killed me. The distracted responses, the lack of interest, it all just combined to make me feel worse.

What makes it just as ironic is that it's not just sms's. There are so many cds that when I listen to them, I am reminded of you. Moments in time where you overwhelm my senses. The chill in the air reminding you of the Winter to come brings back memories of you. Afternoons in the sunshine, laughter and jokes sitting by a lake making references to your duck army. Playing Garbage, in particular the "beautiful" cd brings back an ache in my chest - the ache that I felt that Autumn afternoon when you effectively broke it off. It was the day we went around to buy the Lilith Fair DVD, and from memory, also the day that we bought that cd. And I spent the next week taking your advice and listening to that cd each night as I fell asleep to block out my thoughts of you and where we were going.

In a month, it will have been a year since I met you. A torrid romance tragedy. For a while there, you really meant everything to me. I would've walked across hot coals for you. I didn't mind that you had problems, I willingly wanted to help you and never cared that you had things you needed to sort out. Which is rare for me. I used to sigh and think bad thoughts when my first ex would tell me of his insecurities. I guess you always just put up such a great front of calm that I trusted and believed you. But then you shattered that. And now, I can no longer bring myself to care.

But when I am faced with my music collection, and the coming change of seasons I am reminded of you. And I can't help but wonder sometimes if I am in fact truly over you. And if I'm not, then what the hell am I doing with this current love interest? I'm messing around. Something that I shouldn't do. I guess I'm just so confused with everything, that I don't know what's up from down. And when I say certain things the implication is that I'm in deeper than I should be. But it's just that I don't want to keep this one in the dark. I've been kept in the dark before, and it's not a pretty sight. And while this one may have a lot more patience than I, I still stick to the rule that the sooner you know, the better.

So now I am faced with a new situation. Within 1 week I have someone declare their undying love to me. Who is fighting this as much as I am, but who just blurts sweet nothings out because he can't help it. Sweet, adorable, but.. oh so wrong. on so many levels. I won't see you at work next week, but you've half convinced me to pull a sickie and go to your house instead.

I haven't been feeling well lately. I hope that's not a sign of anything. I keep on having these achey migraines. Maybe I'm just not eating right. *Crosses fingers*

Anyhow, I have to get lunch ready. I just wanted to write a few words down, and sort out those funny feelings that you get when you reread old love letters out of context. And you can sit down, look back and try and attempt to see how it all went wrong. How so much promise and potential panned out to reveal something that wasn't so promising after all.

bittersweet.

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 1:37 pm 0 comments

Friday, February 04, 2005

Sorting Butterfly

It's funny sometimes how things fall into place. How once you stop questioning and analysing things, everything continues to move on like it's supposed to. The world doesn't stop just because you stop thinking. In fact, maybe in a way it's probably better that you don't. And you can just let the world pass you by. Let the world 'keep on twirling by' as Vertical Horizon says so aptly.

It's also funny how once you stop thinking and worrying, how quickly the situation that you're in begins to feel normal. I've stopped worrying. I've stopped thinking. Each day is just, 'another day with you in it'. Another day to hear sweet nothings emerge from your lips and drip like honey into my ear.

Perhaps the only bad thing is that I cotinually either leave work early, or stay back late, in order to have a few stolen moments with you. And suddenly I seem to be back in a situation where time is not my own. It is 'our' time. And I cannot progress without informing you of my actions, of my thoughts, and letting you know what happened in my day. It seems there is always good and bad in a relationship. The independence I was starting to experience, the revelling in never having to answer to anyone but myself has again started to wane and disappear. In it's place, however, I do feel loved. And spending time with you is comfortable. The shock has started to wear off, and I am starting to accept you. I think there are no other conclusions to this than time. I won't know how I really feel about you and this situation until we give it some time to see how it works out. Meantime, we are both fairly happy. If only because we again have someone to cuddle =P

Just give me time to sort this out. I know that even though I said I wouldn't commit until I knew 100%, I think it is unspoken that we know that I'm weakening.

As I told you the other night, you are in fact, very sweet, and quite adorable. In your own way. I personally think sweet is one of the highest compliments you can pay to someone. To say that they are sweet is to say that they are attentive. That they place your interests at heart, is genuinely interested in you, your life, your outlook, your opinions, and what you have to say. I don't think we really need to talk about where this is going.

You drop lines that imply you have decided on me and our future, and that you want some consequence out of it all. But of course that is all in jest, even though we know that in every joke, there is some underlying unspoken truth.

You joke that when I visit you, I might go down and meet your mother.

You joke that for every first that you introduce me to, you intend to be the last.
(going to the opera, taking me out on a 'proper' date, etc etc)

You comment offhand that you're wondering if I'm difficult or hard to buy gifts for.

We pass by a hardware store and you joke about me buying you some tools so you can make something nice for me.

In some ways your unspoken deferential nature, admittance to things that are often jokingly said also points either to an unvoiced belief that I have the power, or that you are simply a cynic in the name of Hollywood love. You are ironically proud that I have you tied around my little finger. You tell me that you are positive that one day you will face the full brunt of my anger and fury - and that it will no doubt be justified and that you will be severly in the wrong. You jokingly tell me that in Western society it is a social cultural norm that men must deferentiate to women.

Maybe you are just feeding me lines. Maybe you really are only after the chase. Maybe you just want to prove your male ego that you can seduce even the most unlikely unassuming pretty girl in the office. Maybe you are taking advantage of my hidden naievity and innocent veneer. Maybe your words are just that - words, designed to sweep me off my feet, and that once all is said and done and I finally commit, you will break the bombshell. And maybe you'll do it in such a way that I will not be bitter or angry towards you. Or maybe not. It seems sometimes that I have a penchant for bitterness. That I revel in justified bouts of misery. I like feeling sorry for myself.

But to be honest, perhaps deep inside I am just sitting here waiting. Maybe I am taking all of this in, too young to know the full truth, or aware of the consequences of where this will take us. Guaranteed perhaps that I will break your heart, because I am so unsure right now. Until the day I know for certain whether I want to be with you or not, for the 'right' reasons, we muddle our way through. I stand on this precipice hesitating to make a full commitment. Yet it does not stop me from responding to all your advances, or give you a chance to show me you care. Perhaps that is all I really need right now. To feel wanted and loved. To feel that I am not a reject and that there are parts of me that are worthy of love. Maybe I have been scared and you are the cure, the balm to all my cuts and bruises. Maybe I need you as much as you need me. Maybe.

It just seems funny sometimes though to see how easily I fall into this. How quickly I accept that this is the status quo and go about my day. We are I think feeling each other out. And maybe tonight I will ask you for a progress report. But I doubt I will ever voice my commitment. It seems I lack the conviction to do so. Although I know that you love me - through word and action - I am not fully convinced. I continue to have doubts. Yes, female are fickle, doubtful creatures. And perhaps the day that I feel that I can truly trust you, as opposed to this young, puppy trust that I harbour towards you currently, perhaps then, I will be able to let go and give you what you need. Perhaps. I think that's really the best I can do.

We dance this dance, sorting out our differences, finding our commonalities and testing each other's resolve. You appear to be genuinely caring of me. Yet somewhere in my mind I still have this niggling thought - what is it about me that makes you so taken with me? It can't just all be beauty, surely? Not that your compliments go unnoticed. Despite my constant assessment of the male species, appearances are not what counts for me. It is what is inside that counts. Perhaps I have been brainwashed by the romantic Hollywood line. I don't know. All I know is that in order for me to fall for anyone, I need to be able to communicate with them. We need to be able to joke and talk. The quiet brooding types are just not for me.

I know that I could be potentially throwing away my future on this one. Especially if he is as serious as he says he is. Sometimes he seems like such a little boy. And despite your claims that I have you twisted and tied around my finger, I still can't help but feel sometimes a little young in your presence. Not to get it wrong though - I do in fact take the challenge and step up to the plate.

I guess what I'm really trying to get at is, are your true intentions really just to add another notch to your belt - the long winded, sick, twisted and masochistic way? Screw around with a girl's heart until she caves in and you have her in your grubby little hand? Or are you laying yourself bare for once? To be honest, I don't really want to know about your past. I'm really not that curious. You have your past, and you can keep it. Part of the reason why, I think is because if I find out how many ways you have been emotionally bruised and torn in the past, you will stir up my sympathy and my love. And I'm just not ready for that. I don't want to care that way. It takes so much out of you. To be honest, I'd prefer just to let this all be for now. No more thinking, no more analysing, no more wondering if what I am/we are doing is in fact 'right'.

Maybe all I really need to do is ask myself, 'are you happy?' 'Does this bother you in any way?' And if the answer is yes and no in that order, then perhaps that's all I really need to know. For better or worse, you are here now, and we are at this bridge. Why not just cross it and see where it leads? If as we go along, we discover some boards are rotten, then either we sidestep or remove. And if one of us accidently falls through - well, it's just water right? We'll all dry out in the end.

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 12:33 pm 0 comments

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Twisting Butterfly

There's only so much that can be said.

You're working on me like drugs in the system, like potent wine rampant through my bloodstream.

Like you pointed out this afternoon, suprisingly, we do have so much in common despite the major barriers: our cultural backgrounds and our ages. And it's true.

I'm trying to stop analysing this situation, and just let it flow. Because I don't want to stuff this one up. For once I feel like I'm being treated the way I deserve to be treated. And you do it all so voluntarily and willingly. You *want* to treat me like this. You *want* to see me happy. It was your first and foremost desire. And in a way, I'm so tempted to just say yes.

But I don't really know how to play games with you. You are wicked in your own way. Intent on seducing me, and at the same time, so sincere in showing your love to me. I do know that you are interested in more than sex. Your actions have proved that. But there is also something that I/we perhaps should remember, and that is that all actions wane in time.

It's just that everything seems so perfect in a way. And for once I don't want to be responsible for it's downfall. I want this to last. Because I do believe that you are good for me. Very good for me in fact. I can only hope that I can bring as much to the table as you. In some ways I don't really know how to repay you back. And of course, the magic is that I'm not required to give back anything.

After everything, this all just seems so surreal. Sometimes I feel like I'm all tied up in knots over you and this complex situation.

Maybe I should go and get some rest. 8 hours of sleep should help in clearing up my mind, or at least stop me from thinking - if only for a little while.

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 10:45 pm 0 comments

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Freaked Butterfly

What on earth do you do when someone tells you that they love you? Off hand?

"One more thing. I love you."

In a car, just as you're about to leave in a rush.

There's nothing you can say. And when you ask them about it, you suddenly realise that you're making a big deal about something that perhaps you shouldn't. And then you quaver, worried that you're back on that rollercoaster of thinking before you leap.

Despite my qualms, I was ready to try. And it was somehow perfectly safe. Despite you realising after a while that he was truly genuine and serious about you. Despite all that, it was still ok, because you could argue it all away. Interest is one thing, love another.

What am I supposed to do now that I know that you love me?

I'm absolutely terrified. I'm terrified of stuffing this up. Petrified of ruining this. You've done everything right, shown that you cared, had my interests at heart, been my chauffer and made me laugh. Despite your age, or maybe because of your age, your crazy talk makes you absolutely adorable. Your language surprises me sometimes. Your vigour is impressive. I have wondered in my mind if I could say those words to you. But always I was safe behind the protective shield. We are just going slow, we are just testing things out.

And for once in my life, I don't have to question anything. For the past week, I've just had to react to you, and that's all. Right now we are dangerously close to bordering on past relationship country, where I overanalyse and think it all out to the point where I will essentially destroy this relationship, or whatever 'this' is.

I realised this afternoon, or maybe sometime last night, that perhaps part of the reason why I hesitate around you, is not so much that I'm scared of loving someone, it's just that maybe I just don't want to be in that situation anymore, where I can be torn apart. You offer me a place of solace. A place where I can be myself, and you will care and protect me. I am constantly amazed at how willing you are to offer me things that I had wanted from my ex who had never given me any of it.

You will brave my mother in the face of everything just for impulse alone to see me. You will drive for 30 minutes just to do something insane like that. You woke up at dawn just so you could drive me into the city to buy Sarah tickets, and braved an extra hour of traffic in order to do so. You even voluntarily offered to drive me into work every morning - if I wanted to take you up on the offer. You've treated me to dozens, well maybe not dozens, but plenty of lunches and a dinner here and there. You were checking out Opera sites today to see what other operas we could both go to.

I know you're genuine. But you voiced your love to me this evening, and after that fumbled phone call, I don't really know what to do. I'm shocked. You, a grown man, in love with me. What are the odds? When the best looking guy in the entire company who is younger than you believes that I am too young, and has voiced this opinion out loud.

You. love. me. And you mean it. What on earth am I supposed to do with that? You've basically put into harsh reality what is actually going on. Whereas earlier I could just delude myself into a false place of security, where I could have time and space to fall in love with you on my own, suddenly I am pushed into wicked freefall. Suddenly there are expectations hanging over my head. Not that they were never there, just that they were always unvoiced. And in you voicing them, well, it's all real now. If I change my mind, we're screwed. Really screwed.

You ask if I'm angry at you for telling me. How can I be angry? How can anyone be angry that someone loves them? It's just that I wish in some ways you hadn't told me. But at the same time, if it felt right at the time, then who am I to judge? Therefore, the only thing that stuffed it all up was that last phone call, and my stupid desire to take your answer apart. I watched myself gingerly ease back into that 'deconstruct' mode that I so easily fell into with my ex.

And what's been amazing about us, is that there is none of that. We seem to work in tandem. Or at least as if there is an invisible tether that ties us together and we seem to work off each other like someone stretching an elastic band. We're bound inextricably.

I guess you've just frightened me, and put into sharp relief what may already have been underlying all of this, but just unspoken.

I don't know what to do with you now. I can't leave it there with no response. I can't ignore your plea. But I can't answer it either. I'm not ready to. I can't. I don't want to go there. I don't want to love like that. See, there's affection in the guise of love, and then there's love in the guise of love. Affection is easy to put out. Love, not so much. And I don't want to put out anymore.

Technically we have only been testing this out for a week. And you're already declaring your love. What do I do with this information? How do I process it? I'm so thrown and absolutely terrified. This is going way faster than I ever, ever imagined. I just want to run away now. I don't know what to do.

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 11:07 pm 0 comments

Squealing Butterfly

I'm going to go see Sarah Mclachlan!!!!!

*excited girly squeal*

She sold out on the Sunday session. But she'll be there on the Monday evening. And I have box seats. And I'm like SO THERE. And I like, HAVE THE TICKETS. IN MY GRUBBY LITTLE HANDS!!!

I'm going to see Sarah again!!!!

*squeals*

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 11:55 am 0 comments