Nostalgic Butterfly
I just finished copying all my sms msgs to my computer, and as I was checking that they all made the transfer safely, I came across sms msgs from the ex. Msgs like, "I LOVE YOU" "I miss you terribly" "I love you very much, never doubt that" and "I can't wait to see you tomorrow" just seem so bittersweet and hollow in hindsight.It's funny how love can come full circle. It's strange to see these msgs from him, when my current interest sent me a sms today that said "yes i love you".
We had an argument of sorts last night, me reacting to little petty things that automatically make me jump to conclusions that I felt rejected and reinforcing feelings of mis(un?)comprehension that someone like him could ever be interested in me. I've been weighing the ideas in my mind for a while, and the first time he fought for himself, albeit through a sense of comfort more than anything else, I automatically lashed out. He says to me that he can't help me with my insecurities. Yes, I know. But him saying that doesn't really help me out either...
But back to the sms situation. It's funny how much feeling welled up inside when he (ex) used to send those sms's. He used to make me so happy that I cried. Thrilled that he loved and cared for me. So where did it all go wrong? How can we now not even be on speaking terms? His outlook on life is that he must always be in control, that he is always right, and that he knows he is stubborn. We don't see eye to eye on that matter, and while attentive and sweet, opening up for him is hard and difficult. And that doesn't help a relationship - least not one with me, known for my desire to talk and deconstruct things.
The irony though is that I don't even know what he thinks about all this. The last time I spoke to him, last Sunday, I was trying to sound him out. And while he was distracted with stuff around him, it doesn't really matter anymore. I still got the sense that things were stagnant with him. Which is so sad when you think about. When you look at the sms's that he was sending close to six months before, in comparison to the hesitation that mars his outlook on life right now, it just goes to prove that I was right to leave and move on. It's just a bittersweet feeling though. To reread those sms's and think, 'yes you may love me, but I have to doubt you, because you obviously didn't love me enough'. And while you were honest with me that you did care, but that you didn't care enough and that you were willing to let this all go, the fact that you tell me, 'but you have no idea how much it kills me to say. you have no idea how interested i am in you', yeh well, great to hear that. but it's not like you're really doing anything about it. And if you're not going to do anything about it, then well, it's best that I just go.
Staying around you will only hurt me. I felt those twinges on Sunday night when you msged me on msn, and I'd have my breath stuck in my chest every time the window flashed. And the silences absolutely killed me. The distracted responses, the lack of interest, it all just combined to make me feel worse.
What makes it just as ironic is that it's not just sms's. There are so many cds that when I listen to them, I am reminded of you. Moments in time where you overwhelm my senses. The chill in the air reminding you of the Winter to come brings back memories of you. Afternoons in the sunshine, laughter and jokes sitting by a lake making references to your duck army. Playing Garbage, in particular the "beautiful" cd brings back an ache in my chest - the ache that I felt that Autumn afternoon when you effectively broke it off. It was the day we went around to buy the Lilith Fair DVD, and from memory, also the day that we bought that cd. And I spent the next week taking your advice and listening to that cd each night as I fell asleep to block out my thoughts of you and where we were going.
In a month, it will have been a year since I met you. A torrid romance tragedy. For a while there, you really meant everything to me. I would've walked across hot coals for you. I didn't mind that you had problems, I willingly wanted to help you and never cared that you had things you needed to sort out. Which is rare for me. I used to sigh and think bad thoughts when my first ex would tell me of his insecurities. I guess you always just put up such a great front of calm that I trusted and believed you. But then you shattered that. And now, I can no longer bring myself to care.
But when I am faced with my music collection, and the coming change of seasons I am reminded of you. And I can't help but wonder sometimes if I am in fact truly over you. And if I'm not, then what the hell am I doing with this current love interest? I'm messing around. Something that I shouldn't do. I guess I'm just so confused with everything, that I don't know what's up from down. And when I say certain things the implication is that I'm in deeper than I should be. But it's just that I don't want to keep this one in the dark. I've been kept in the dark before, and it's not a pretty sight. And while this one may have a lot more patience than I, I still stick to the rule that the sooner you know, the better.
So now I am faced with a new situation. Within 1 week I have someone declare their undying love to me. Who is fighting this as much as I am, but who just blurts sweet nothings out because he can't help it. Sweet, adorable, but.. oh so wrong. on so many levels. I won't see you at work next week, but you've half convinced me to pull a sickie and go to your house instead.
I haven't been feeling well lately. I hope that's not a sign of anything. I keep on having these achey migraines. Maybe I'm just not eating right. *Crosses fingers*
Anyhow, I have to get lunch ready. I just wanted to write a few words down, and sort out those funny feelings that you get when you reread old love letters out of context. And you can sit down, look back and try and attempt to see how it all went wrong. How so much promise and potential panned out to reveal something that wasn't so promising after all.
bittersweet.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 1:37 pm
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