Sorting Butterfly
It's funny sometimes how things fall into place. How once you stop questioning and analysing things, everything continues to move on like it's supposed to. The world doesn't stop just because you stop thinking. In fact, maybe in a way it's probably better that you don't. And you can just let the world pass you by. Let the world 'keep on twirling by' as Vertical Horizon says so aptly.It's also funny how once you stop thinking and worrying, how quickly the situation that you're in begins to feel normal. I've stopped worrying. I've stopped thinking. Each day is just, 'another day with you in it'. Another day to hear sweet nothings emerge from your lips and drip like honey into my ear.
Perhaps the only bad thing is that I cotinually either leave work early, or stay back late, in order to have a few stolen moments with you. And suddenly I seem to be back in a situation where time is not my own. It is 'our' time. And I cannot progress without informing you of my actions, of my thoughts, and letting you know what happened in my day. It seems there is always good and bad in a relationship. The independence I was starting to experience, the revelling in never having to answer to anyone but myself has again started to wane and disappear. In it's place, however, I do feel loved. And spending time with you is comfortable. The shock has started to wear off, and I am starting to accept you. I think there are no other conclusions to this than time. I won't know how I really feel about you and this situation until we give it some time to see how it works out. Meantime, we are both fairly happy. If only because we again have someone to cuddle =P
Just give me time to sort this out. I know that even though I said I wouldn't commit until I knew 100%, I think it is unspoken that we know that I'm weakening.
As I told you the other night, you are in fact, very sweet, and quite adorable. In your own way. I personally think sweet is one of the highest compliments you can pay to someone. To say that they are sweet is to say that they are attentive. That they place your interests at heart, is genuinely interested in you, your life, your outlook, your opinions, and what you have to say. I don't think we really need to talk about where this is going.
You drop lines that imply you have decided on me and our future, and that you want some consequence out of it all. But of course that is all in jest, even though we know that in every joke, there is some underlying unspoken truth.
You joke that when I visit you, I might go down and meet your mother.
You joke that for every first that you introduce me to, you intend to be the last.
(going to the opera, taking me out on a 'proper' date, etc etc)
You comment offhand that you're wondering if I'm difficult or hard to buy gifts for.
We pass by a hardware store and you joke about me buying you some tools so you can make something nice for me.
In some ways your unspoken deferential nature, admittance to things that are often jokingly said also points either to an unvoiced belief that I have the power, or that you are simply a cynic in the name of Hollywood love. You are ironically proud that I have you tied around my little finger. You tell me that you are positive that one day you will face the full brunt of my anger and fury - and that it will no doubt be justified and that you will be severly in the wrong. You jokingly tell me that in Western society it is a social cultural norm that men must deferentiate to women.
Maybe you are just feeding me lines. Maybe you really are only after the chase. Maybe you just want to prove your male ego that you can seduce even the most unlikely unassuming pretty girl in the office. Maybe you are taking advantage of my hidden naievity and innocent veneer. Maybe your words are just that - words, designed to sweep me off my feet, and that once all is said and done and I finally commit, you will break the bombshell. And maybe you'll do it in such a way that I will not be bitter or angry towards you. Or maybe not. It seems sometimes that I have a penchant for bitterness. That I revel in justified bouts of misery. I like feeling sorry for myself.
But to be honest, perhaps deep inside I am just sitting here waiting. Maybe I am taking all of this in, too young to know the full truth, or aware of the consequences of where this will take us. Guaranteed perhaps that I will break your heart, because I am so unsure right now. Until the day I know for certain whether I want to be with you or not, for the 'right' reasons, we muddle our way through. I stand on this precipice hesitating to make a full commitment. Yet it does not stop me from responding to all your advances, or give you a chance to show me you care. Perhaps that is all I really need right now. To feel wanted and loved. To feel that I am not a reject and that there are parts of me that are worthy of love. Maybe I have been scared and you are the cure, the balm to all my cuts and bruises. Maybe I need you as much as you need me. Maybe.
It just seems funny sometimes though to see how easily I fall into this. How quickly I accept that this is the status quo and go about my day. We are I think feeling each other out. And maybe tonight I will ask you for a progress report. But I doubt I will ever voice my commitment. It seems I lack the conviction to do so. Although I know that you love me - through word and action - I am not fully convinced. I continue to have doubts. Yes, female are fickle, doubtful creatures. And perhaps the day that I feel that I can truly trust you, as opposed to this young, puppy trust that I harbour towards you currently, perhaps then, I will be able to let go and give you what you need. Perhaps. I think that's really the best I can do.
We dance this dance, sorting out our differences, finding our commonalities and testing each other's resolve. You appear to be genuinely caring of me. Yet somewhere in my mind I still have this niggling thought - what is it about me that makes you so taken with me? It can't just all be beauty, surely? Not that your compliments go unnoticed. Despite my constant assessment of the male species, appearances are not what counts for me. It is what is inside that counts. Perhaps I have been brainwashed by the romantic Hollywood line. I don't know. All I know is that in order for me to fall for anyone, I need to be able to communicate with them. We need to be able to joke and talk. The quiet brooding types are just not for me.
I know that I could be potentially throwing away my future on this one. Especially if he is as serious as he says he is. Sometimes he seems like such a little boy. And despite your claims that I have you twisted and tied around my finger, I still can't help but feel sometimes a little young in your presence. Not to get it wrong though - I do in fact take the challenge and step up to the plate.
I guess what I'm really trying to get at is, are your true intentions really just to add another notch to your belt - the long winded, sick, twisted and masochistic way? Screw around with a girl's heart until she caves in and you have her in your grubby little hand? Or are you laying yourself bare for once? To be honest, I don't really want to know about your past. I'm really not that curious. You have your past, and you can keep it. Part of the reason why, I think is because if I find out how many ways you have been emotionally bruised and torn in the past, you will stir up my sympathy and my love. And I'm just not ready for that. I don't want to care that way. It takes so much out of you. To be honest, I'd prefer just to let this all be for now. No more thinking, no more analysing, no more wondering if what I am/we are doing is in fact 'right'.
Maybe all I really need to do is ask myself, 'are you happy?' 'Does this bother you in any way?' And if the answer is yes and no in that order, then perhaps that's all I really need to know. For better or worse, you are here now, and we are at this bridge. Why not just cross it and see where it leads? If as we go along, we discover some boards are rotten, then either we sidestep or remove. And if one of us accidently falls through - well, it's just water right? We'll all dry out in the end.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 12:33 pm
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