Scared Butterfly
Words do not seem to coalesce into proper sentences for me today. My muddled thoughts clump together in unseemly ways. Strings of thought are tangled up in emotion and exhaustion. My brain's inability to focus brought upon by a lack of sleep. My mind filled up with family issues.I need to ask you today what you meant last night when you said that you would ask me for a decision 'one day.' I didn't want to force the question last night, but the more I think about it, the more I realise I'd like to know. What did you mean by, "decision"? My decision about whether I want you to be in my life? Or my decision to move out? Yes, things don't need to change right now, in the immediate future or even in the short term future, say a couple of months. But let's just say that in a year's time, would you be planning to ask me whether I would want to move out of home? Is three years too long to wait for me? Are you in fact willing to wait for me?
Perhaps the questions are questions that should not be asked only a month after you start dating someone. Maybe I am pushing things too soon, and things have been said a little too soon. You essentially tell me that three years of dating is unacceptable to you. That your goals in life, what you want, are different to my own. Which is fair.
You tell me that I am everything that you want. I'm beautiful, intelligent and funny, and that I have an interest in everything. I guess...
I guess the answer that I'm half after, is that you can guarantee me that you will not go, and that you will wait for me, that I am in fact worth the wait. But that of course is not fair. I can't ask you to wait for me. I can't even ask you to do it my way. You've come waltzing in practically with your heart on a platter. What exactly are you asking from me? Love? Commitment? A 'relationship' in the most traditional sense? Moving in with you? Or am I missing the point?
You are your own person. An individual that I cannot force. I don't have any influence over you at all. You proved that the other night. So it's essentially what *you* want. I hate saying no to you, I really do. If only because I'm afraid that one day when I say no to you, you will walk away and never come back. I tried to tell you that, and you came back with, 'depends on the question that I'm asking'. I guess...
I'm afraid that my culture will drive you away. That my belief system, my sense of duty to family is too alien for you. That you will not accept or understand, and that in turn it will drive you away from me. And I don't think that's really fair - something that I have no control over will throw this all out of whack.
But of course, I haven't declared my undying love to you as of yet. I've only ever dared say that I miss you constantly. I'm scared of what will happen when I tell you that I'm falling for you. That I love you. Will you hold it over my head like a dangling machete? Will it stop you from showing me your love? Are you only after the chase? Once you find out that I love you, will you stop loving me? Will you begin to take me for granted? Will you cast me aside and begin to start refusing my advances because you have won?
My only card right now is that I have not told you as of yet upfront that I love you. I haven't laid my heart out on my sleeve over you. I'm afraid to. Can I truly trust you? Can I? Your love for me is unquestionable. The way you look at me, in all deep sincerity. The way you touch me, and the way you care for me. Yet I do have my own emotional baggage. My conflicts of interest can overwhelm you if I wanted to. The only way I deal with everything is by hiding it all away. Pushing them all aside and not thinking about them. I opened up a can of worms the other night, and now I have no choice but to clean it all out. Even though technically I could have just buried the whole stupid affair. So in turn, are you truly ready to deal with me and all its horrendous trappings?
In Sheryl Crow's words: Are you strong enough to be my man?
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
The suckers lose themselves in the games they learn to play
Children love to sing but then their voices slowly fade away
People always take a step away from what is true
That's why I like you around
I want you.
Yeah you do, you do...
You make me want you
An open invitation to your dance
Happenstance set the vibe that we are in
No apology because my urge is genuine
And the mystery of your rhythm is so feminine
Here I am and I want to take a hit
Of your scent cuz it bit
So deep into my soul
I want you.
Yeah you do, you do...
You make me want you
And I can't get enough
And I can't get enough...
The village churchyard is filled with,
Bones weeping in the grave
The silver lining of clouds shines,
On people Jesus couldn't save
You want to know how deeply my soul goes
Deeper than bones
Deeper than bones
And I can't get enough
And I can't get enough...
After we did it by the window sill
Smoke rings drift into the midnight sky
Presently in the quilt that your mother made
And a candle burns to fight off the gloom
I said to live this way is not for the meek
And like a jazz DJ you talk me into sleep
I said there will be no regrets when the worms come
And they shall surely come
Yeah you do, you do...
You make me want you
I want you.
Send me all your vampires
I want you.
Third Eye Blind ~ I Want You
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 9:01 am
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