Silent Butterfly
It's not that I'm mute, it's just that I'm quiet. I don't really have much to say. It seems that after close to 2 weeks, I've decided to give this a try. Not that I haven't said it here already. Just that I voiced it yesterday evening. I don't really know what I feel about it. It's not that I'm angsty or need to get things out in the open. It's more that I'm looking for something to do, and I figure this is as good an outlet or exercise as any to pass the time until 5pm rolls around.I suddenly discovered this afternoon that I miss you. And your observation/prediction that work wouldn't matter soon seems to be coming true. Everyone is starting to 'move on'.
But that's not what I really want to talk about.
Could I venture to say that I'm totally lost and helpless around you? Not really. I guess what I'm really trying to sort out/find is a 'sense' of being with you. Like the other night when I realised I had begun to associate certain music or temperature changes to a certain someone, right now I'm trying to define us. What things define us. I can't wait until Thursday when we will take a day going down the coast (your suggestion).
I can't wait to spend an entire day with you. And I want to make sure that we do in fact have lots in common and lots to talk about. I want there to be substance in this relationship. Even more importantly, I've suddenly discovered that I also feel a little trepidation about it all. You say so often that you can't help the way you feel, that you just do. And what worries me a little is, what happens should one day you wake up and that indescribable feeling disappears? And the comfort, security, stability and loves disappears from you? What happens then? How will I deal with it? I'm wondering if part of me is simply crying out for someone to love me. And now that you're here, I have had moments where despite my trepidations about it all, I don't want to let it go. I know that I have a good thing here - despite everything - if only because I have someone offfering me their unconditional love. Or maybe I'm overspeculating, and it's too early to say. All I know is that like you, I am starting to feel a little scared about all this. Because nothing is ever set in stone, nothing is guaranteed, and well, this could fall apart as quickly as we somehow gelled together. In that unfathomable way that we never intended or believed possible.
In many ways, this situation that we're in is completely out of our control. The best we can do is make the most of it. You can't give me any guarantees, just like I can't guarantee you that I will fall for you 100%. But I'm not about to be stupid and look a gift horse in the mouth. It may sound desperate, and it may be the wrong way to see this. All I know is that I know what it is you're offering, and well, who am I to turn it down? I don't really know what that honestly says about me. And perhaps deep down I don't really want to know.
All I do know, or at the very least all I can face up to and tell myself these days is that I've been pushed around and feel a little battered. And perhaps you are the one I need in order to pull myself back together again. And the way that we're going about it, it all seems so right in a way. There is no trailblazing. No going against the grain, no rebellion. Just a simple feeling that everything we're doing is right. Just like that first evening at the Opera, when it felt like we were both within the bounds of an elastic band, and each of us were pushing against it. With each step that we made, somehow we were still bound to each other in an inexplicable way.
Most of it is out in the open these days. And while there's much to be said of open communication, I can't help but let go with a little regret the bedding down of certain uncertainties. The thrill of the chase, put to bed after 2 weeks. And you can't help but wonder sometimes if in fact we really are going too fast. Maybe I'll ask you that on Thursday.
I gave you my thesis to read today, because we had an earlier agreement that you would proofread my thesis when it came to the final wire. But due to my procrastination, you never got around to it. So I got around to giving it to you yesterday. And your comment that what you had read so far was good, reassured me. Somehow your praise, your suggestions, and most importantly your opinion is important to me.
You're down at your mother's today. You've been making oblique references to me going down to visit etc. I don't really know what to make of it all to be honest. I've seen her picture, and I'll be the first to say that I'm a little nervous and so not ready for it. She seems a little scary if you ask me. Or at the very least, I feel a little intimidated. A what? 60? 70? year old lady, judging me, speculating over what my true intentions are in dating her youngest son. She'll note the 12 year age difference. She'll note that I could do so much better. And most probably like so many people, will wonder why on earth I decided to settle on him? She will recognise (hopefully) the traits that will have made him interested in me. But when it comes to vice versa.... sometimes I feel that my reasons aren't sufficient to make a relationship work.
Just because someone loves you and treats you well doesn't automatically mean that you have to say yes and go out with them - right? Unless you have inner demons and emotional undertows that motivate you to do silly irresponsible and irrational things. I'm crazy to do this. And my mother is right to point it out to me also. But I'm an emotional rollercoaster junkie. What can I say? I have no defence against this.
And yet, despite it all, strangely enough, I suddenly have this overwhelming sweet desire to write a love letter to you, to tell you how much I miss you. And I do. I miss your presence. A little of the forbidding exterior that I put out to everyone, you included, has again flaked away. And I want to show you or tell you how much I care. I don't know how genuine that feeling is. All I know is that I impulsively want to hug you and send you an email and tell you that I miss you.
And the more I think about it, and try to pull it apart, the more I realise that I am just so lost and confused over this, fighting it all and yet accepting it all at the same time...
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 4:24 pm
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