Torn Butterfly
Sometimes there's just nothing left to say. When all the words have all spilt out of you, and you still feel like you're in limbo, the silence is deafening. Yet there is nothing that you can do about it. Because all the words have already been said.When both parties already know what is going on. When both parties know the responses expected of them. What's left to do? There's nothing left to do, nothing left to say.
Ball's in your court. What are you going to do? How am I going to handle this? Because I was being stupid, and because yet again I am reminded of how young I really am in all of this. And being hit against the brick wall that is: "you are an adult, you can make your own decisions, and I won't interfere" effectively renders me speechless.
Instead I've sat here in turmoil for the last two hours. Hitting my head against the table for antagonising something. For bringing up things that albeit lay dormant, but fairly undisturbed. It's not even like you can question someone's motives.. it's all you. Nobody else's fault but your own. And you're left to sit there and wallow. And it's not even like you can throw a rug over it all and pretend that none of it exists. because the little angel inside demands attention. so what happens then?
You sit there questioning all your beliefs, and wondering if it was right to start at all? And whether everything that had happened was anything in itself. You're not a person that can easily be bullied. I truly have no control over you - in any sense. You are as someone once put it, a totally different person. Someone else. Absolutely foreign and oh so familiar at the same time.
There is no response to this. There is no argument to be breached. Things are as they are, and there's no going back. No erasing. No way forward either. The only one that's there - you don't even want to contemplate. You've always wanted him to do all the work. Most likely because it justified something in yourself. Made you believe that you aren't responsible for anything. By being the respondee, you have effectively wiped all responsibility away - except for now.
Yes, now. So what happens now?
I have no fucking idea.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 4:54 pm
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