Little Butterfly
Little dramas.That's what makes the world go around.
Insensitivities, or in this case, too many sensitivities.
How to explain? How to bridge the divide? How to forgive and forget?
Is there in fact a point to all of this? What stops me from ending it all together? When the end path could may well still be the same. I know what I don't want specifically. To be tied down and married in the next three years. Guaranteed. I don't want to get married until I reach the other side of 25. Definately. Yet, do I want this to be it? Because if I stay and try and make this work, it may well be.
And there are still issues if I end this now. The awkwardness. The closeness. The unbearability of it all. The inevitability of it all.
Tell me, what's the point? Things aren't going to change anytime soon. I can guarantee you that they won't. Yet it seems like you are intent on them changing for your own selfish needs and desires. I can't meet those demands. If this is what it boils down to, and your insensitivites show through in times like this, well I'd rather not be here.
Yet sometimes I wonder if my actions are totally irrational and foolish. Or if I am simply being impulsive and young, and stupid. To be honest, I don't really know. There are just times when I want to throw in the towel.
I don't even know how deeply I am involved in all of this yet. I have no sense of how far I am. In some instances I feel like I haven't committed that much at all. That I'm playing it all by ear, and that I'm just flitting around, waiting for the penny to drop. After everything that's happened, you can't blame me for being a lot more wary about putting my heart out on my sleeve. But then again, I may well just be deluding myself. And in fact that excuse may well have grown old.
There have been so many moments in the last week, when I have felt the urge to say to you that I love you. Yet I dare not. Go figure. I'm afraid that if I voice it, a whole plethora of issues will rise up. And what happens then? How sure am I that I am in fact in love with you? It's funny how the sides of me fit together. How at one moment I can dismiss everything. How I know or feel at least that the power lies in the palm of my hand, and I can make or break this. And I will be able to sit there and watch it all like a fly on the wall. That I can distance myself behind some hard unbending wall, indifferent to the emotions of all living creatures. And yet, at the same time I can suddenly bend and open up my heart to you. I can emerge from that cocoon and feel emotion. And I know that you've got a soft spot in my heart where I want to tell you that I do in fact care. But even then, sometimes there's a hard edge to it all.
I can't even tell you that I'm falling for you. Because sometimes, I don't even know if I am.
Maybe that says something in itself. Maybe I'm just hiding from life and love by burying myself in you, because it's easier that way. To have someone who loves me, in the face of falling for someone who doesn't. Finally someone sees the potential that I have. Someone loves me for all that I am and could be, and that's enough. To remember what it's like to be loved again. And in the face of things, that sentiment of: 'you'll do'.
How cold, lame and distant.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 9:12 am
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