Hypocritical Butterfly
Please just don't ask. Volatility makes my life a pain, but that's the way of the world.Maybe I read that forecast wrong, and "careful what you wish for" meant that I shouldn't have wished things back.
Or maybe I'm being stupid and worthless again and still can't accept my life as it is. Given the opportunity to change things I didn't take it up, simply because I was unprepared for the turn of events. While I deserve the hostility and the anger for my actions, all I feel right now are the trappings resettling on my shoulders.
I have five years before I'm allowed out of the house. My curfew remains at midnight. I am 22 and an honours graduate, but I am still bound by the dictates of home. I won't be allowed out until my brother finishes university.
He won't wait for me. He's frustrated with all of this, and there's nothing I can do about it. I lost this battle. But more importantly what I should be aware of, is that it shouldn't be a matter of winning or losing. It should be a matter of acceptance and acknowledgement that there is nothing such as home sweet home.
But I don't like boundaries. As much as they're good for me. I don't want them. Right now I find myself wanting to wish five years - the most vaunted for five years - away. Just so I can do what I want when I want. Of course the irony is that what spurred all this on, will no wait for me. I know that. While some logic inside my head reminds me that if he's really serious about all of this, he will wait, and it won't stop him from loving and caring about me, I am also aware that this bridges a divide between us that I don't necessarily know how to fix. And regardless of whether or not he chooses to accept it, I can't help but want the things that are being offered. I can't help but believe or want to trust him to the point where I feel that what he says is right and very very valid. When in fact my mother may be just as right if not more than him. My inner psyche battles over this. My brain is fluxing in turmoil and my anger lies dormant bound by what I already know. I have a tendency to be stubborn in the face of refusal. I've done it before. And I'm too cowardly to ever change. I hate myself sometimes.
It's not even that I want to cry it all out. I just want to lash out. She asked me what I wanted. she told me to be honest. But see, I can't be honest. I can't tell her that I want to be allowed out all hours of the night, and that I don't want a curfew. I can't tell her that I wanted to take my boyfriend's offer up like a flash to spend 3 days on the coast, a mini holiday, as my birthday present in May. I couldn't tell her. I don't want to tell her that I want to spend a night over with him. I just can't.
If she can't accept me living with a guy, then how would she ever accept that?
All my other freedoms are fine. But this one, the Relationship, this one I can't fathom.
I want to break something. I was walking to work this morning and all I wanted was to be irrationally violent. But see, I'm not allowed to, because I had already agreed to live by her rules. It is her house after all. Perhaps home will always feel like a cage. And perhaps there's nothing I can do about it. Perhaps I am selfish. In fact, I know I am.
I just want out. Out of everything. I want to run and hide in a black little corner and never come out until everything fits my perfect vision of life. I don't want the boyfriend. I don't want the mother. I don't want the family. I just want unconditional love and the ability to do whatever I want. Maybe this type of thinking just emphasises that I don't know anything, and that I am immature. I probably am. I was told that while I was 22, I had the mentality of a 16 year old. Most likely.
I am also tired. I am lacking sleep. I have a report due, and I have a social function tonight where I am required to be clever, charming and ever so congenial.
Just give me a break and leave me alone.
"I don't want to know about evil,
Only want to know about love.
I don't want to know about evil,
Only want to know about love.
Sometimes it gets so hard to listen
Hard for me to use my eyes
When all around the gold is glistening
Making sure it keeps me down to size.
I don't want to know about evil.
Only want to know about love.
I don't want to know nothing about evil.
Only want to know about love.
Waiting for the planes to tumble
Waiting for the towns to fall.
Waiting for the cities to crumble
Waiting till the sea crawls.
Yes, it gets so hard to listen
Hard for me to use my eyes
'Cause all around that gold is glistening,
Making sure it keeps us hypnotized.
And I don’t want to know about evil,
I only want to know about love;
I don’t want to know anything about evil,
Only want to know about love.
I don’t want to know about evil,
Only want to know about love;
I don’t want to know anything about evil,
Only want to know about love.
I don’t want to know about evil,
Only want to know about love."
Don't Want to Know ~ Muki
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 9:01 am
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