Holidaying Butterfly
I'm going on holiday for a week and a half on Sunday. Going overseas. I'm excited, but at the same time i'm dreading it. Who would've thought that deceit would be so hard? I'm not telling myfamily that i'm going away.i figure it wouldbe bad form,considering i juststopped paying mymother overhalfofwhat iused to.
man ihate this keyboard. i'm typing at home on my brother's computer.
i was going to type more,but thiskeyboardisreally shitting me.
the space baris sooooooostiff!
igiveup.
i'llchatmore later.
see you in two weeks!
Lying Butterfly
I did a bad thing last night. I stopped paying so much to my mother, and i lied to her. i told her i needed to buy health insurance (false), that my spine was very bad - a lot more extreme than before (slight exagerration), and that I needed to pay doctor fees (true, but not so much).
I told her that we were struggling to eat (negligble)- to the point where I had plain rice for lunch. (true)
The fact is - we have a credit card debt. And I need to pay my share. But telling her that isn't going to make it any easier. The way she brooked no argument when I told her I could only pay her 150 as opposed to 300 resulted in her slapping my face five times, and later on a very vicious punch in the thigh.
What do you do when your mother tells you that she hates you? That I have no conscience, that I have been solely responsible for cutting off my family ties?
Currently I have been living on $142 a week. We pay rent, we have bills, I pay mum, I use the train. You would think that an extra 150 each week is kind've ridiculous to ask, when my mother says she is struggling. Ok, I'll be honest with you. Physio costs me $50 a month, and I need to swim twice a week (approx $5-$7). They're the upfront necessary costs. After that, I would like to buy one of those cushions for the back, and ideally get a massage done maybe once a fortnight, which equates to $30 a hit, and I have no idea about the cushion. $30 maybe? $20? So let's just say 20, and that amounts to another $50. So in all, that's $105 at least. Leaving $45 remaining from the $150 I asked for. Arguably then, I would have $192 left ($212 after I bought the cushion). Except that I need to eat. $50 automatically go to groceries - household necessities, and dinner/breakfast stuff. Lunch for two of us if we didn't eat leftovers, etc, costs around $20 on average. So that's 70. And then, I'm down to $122. In the meantime, we have maxed out our credit card. We owe $3,000. All my remaining money should go there. Except that on what I've got right now, if I run out of say, face cream, or if I want to buy a pair of shoes on sale, ($30) I can't justify it. On top of which, I have flat feet– which my boyfriend has been trying to get to me to go to the podiatrist to get insoles made. But see, those cost $300 each. Not to mention the consultation fee…
Ok you say - what about the boyfriend? He pays for the electricity, the gas, the water, most of the rent, and $50 to the grocery fund. We have cable, he also takes the train ($25 a week). This isn't including an odd night out, clothes, mobile, and general household items. We bought a fan the other day because we were surviving on the bedroom ceiling fan in 40 degree heat, which didn't do much. Our credit card debt is mainly due to the purchases we needed when we started setting up our lives - although i admit that $1,000 of that was spent on christmas presents to each other - a printer and a suit. but the printer has paid for itself in terms of gifts to other ppl, etc, and he's wearing his suit today to a work interview.
Meanwhile, my mother is screaming at us in incomprehension. I didn't realise my brother was giving her at least $100 a week. Which meant for the last six months while boyfriend and I are amassing a credit card debt, she had $600 a month - more than my own salary. During this time, my brother has got a $100 chair, they bought a plasma tv (albeit under $1,000), and six bookshelves at $30 a pop. I would love to have a bookshelf in our study. But I can't justify it. I would love to have a better chair for my back - but we can't justify it. Their house is full of food, while often it seems like we're struggling to make ends meet. And then you wonder why my boyfriend resents her so much - and this is without telling him about the plasma tv.
So back to mum - with $150 less, her income drops to $450, which works - if only just. But my mother pointed out a crucial thing that I didn't take into consideration. My brother's contribution. He starts uni soon, and on top of his study fees (engineering is very expensive), it's quite possible that he will end up earning less, as he'll need more time to study. So without his $100, it drops down to $350 - and that's a very fine threshold. Their internet/phone bill is extreme ($88 last month - see what happens when you don't listen to me about cheaper isps???) and the mobile bill I know, is at least $50 a month. That's half her income gone. Then there's the car - $25 a week, let's say, and the rest would have to be spent on food. What about water, electricity, land rates? And suddenly I feel wretched. If I was on so little I'd be absolutely terrified. On my $92 a week, I was relying mainly on the boyfriend to get me through the week. I can't imagine how my mother's going to get by, when she doesn't have someone to rely on - when the only person she could, arguably rely on, was me. And I've proven unreliable.
She also has a back problem. She's got osteoporosis, and she also has to go to a massage once a week. Which cancels her out of doing lots of hard labour. At her age, she shouldn't be doing hard labour anyway, but that's beside the point. The logical thing you would argue was for her to get a job. Except, it's difficult for a 50 year old woman to get a job. Especially when her work experience is limited. Her best bet would be to teach at a community language school. Although she just quit teaching because the pay was crap ($50 a week), for double the amount of work required.
I'm at a loss as to what to do. I can't offer her anymore, because i spent the whole night making it clear to her I couldn't. If I didn't have that credit card bill, I'd pay her $200 and I would feel a lot better, because regardless of how much my brother gave her, she'd still have a guaranteed $400 which would feel a lot safer than $350.
My mother blames me for this entire situation and refuses to accept that she is responsible for anything. She tells me I've broken her heart for telling her that it all escalated over her refusing to let me stay over my boyfriend's. This is how I see it - if she can't accept me staying one night (she raved and screamed for weeks over it), how on earth was this going to work out? And it was true. Over the weeks and months, it only got worse, the longer and more often that I stayed over. She was already 'casting me out'. I went home to nightly arguments, stony silence, and debates that lasted until 4 in the morning on a work night.
I would've stayed, except, I came home one night to have her raging. It was also the first time she'd ever slapped me over this situation. And as I sat there crying miserably, noting that she was in so much anger and pain, I realised that what my boyfriend said was true - me being there was only rubbing salt in her wounds. It would be better for all of us, if I just moved out for good. So I did.
Fast forward to the present, and it's like it's gotten nowhere. I feel wretched lying to her. Especially when you think about it from a general standpoint - that $150 a week is a lot of money. Be that as it may, my mother doesn't have to pay rent, she owns the house she lives in, and she has no credit card debt. Sometimes the reasons echo in my brain, and I wonder if I can justify any of it, or if I'm just lying to myself.
I hate that I'm stretching my mother's resources so thinly. I could argue that she has savings. The fact is, she must have been able to save quite a bit anyway, I know my brother has a larger bank balance than I do. But what happens after all those savings are used up?
You could argue that my boyfriend and I shouldn't go out so much. He's used to a different set of circumstances compared to me. And his rationale is that we could afford a lot more things - if I would pay my mother less. He argues that she was being greedy. She admitted last night that she took most of my money as punishment. Why would you want to punish your daughter? Because she feels like I've betrayed her. She hates me. She hates that I was the one who ruined all her plans for the future.
I realised the other night why my back has gotten worse. I was stupid and helped my boyfriend lift a heavy tv up a steep flight of stairs. and in the process, I think two of my vertabrae moved. I never in my life felt such sharp pain. So I guess I only have myself to blame.
I see no way out of my situation. All I feel is misery. I feel like a good-for-nothing daughter, who despite trying her best to 'do the right thing' has failed miserably. I think part of the reason lies in myself. I have spent so much time spinning out reasons and lies for my actions. When perhaps I have not been brave enough to accept the truth - that I have done wrong. At the same time, I have so many people trying to support me - my boyfriend (for obvious reasons) my cousin, my dad (who seems to be supporting me, if only in lieu of my mother's anger and insupport), my friends - 2 of them, who have been through situations which are similar but not the same. One who fought to stay at her boyfriend's house, the other who went and got married and moved overseas.
I don't really know what's right or wrong anymore. But already I know I'm starting to regret lying to her. But the fact of the matter is, I dare not tell her about the credit card bill. And until that bill is cleared, there's nothing I can do. Or am I just lying to myself again?
Shopping Butterfly
Working at the office today. Got lots to do.
Spent the morning going shopping using 'saving money' that I really shouldn't use. I'm getting very close to being back in the red again.
I'm seeing dad tomorrow night, so I had to get him a belated Christmas present. Coincidentally, there were also a lot of $10 'me' bargains at the store. So even though my boyfriend points out I have "so many clothes", I've just added another two singlet tops and a black knitted top. It wasn't my fault that they had all these bargains there... I can't say no to that.
Also talked myself into buying one of those velcro sandals. Y'know, the ones that has velco strips on all the connecting parts. Light blue, sporty, and very comfy. My old sandals that I used to wear to the beach and stuff died. And while these shoes look good with jeans, I doubt they will with skirts, but I don't care. Naturally, these shoes were also on sale. Only $5 less than rrp, but hey, $5, is $5.
I also decided on an anniversary gift.
Come next Sunday, it will be our 1 year anniversary. I've been scratching my head for days trying to decide what to give him. We agreed that we'd get each other something, because I had told him I wanted something from him. I'm hoping that's enough of a hint to tell him I expect jewellery. I'm hoping he remembers the conversation enough that he will get me jewellery. Because, well, I want jewellery.
So on that basis, I've been trying to figure out what to get him, and I've been coming up empty. I've asked all my friends and my cousin for suggestions. They've come up with stuff like a pair of champagne glasses, a photo of the two of us (been there, done that), sexy lingerie and a blind fold (meh).
I wanted something that was both useful/practical, and sentimental. I've settled on a wine cooler. Wait! Before you start heckling, I can explain! He's been saying he wanted one. So I've met the 'practicality/usefulness' requirement. There's also the implied romanticism, we drink wine, wine gets drunk in romantic situations, fill in the blanks.
This gift is also for the two of us. It's essentially something for the house. Something that we can both use, and sort've symbolises the fact that we're living together now. Sort've. It also helped that it was fairly cheap (not that price is a factor, although it kinda is).
Oh ok, and I'm going to put in another set of framed photos of the two of us, and maybe burn a personalised cd or something.
Happy now?
Ornery Butterfly
Not all that great today. Lots of stuff weighing on my mind that I’m trying not to think about. Lots of conversations that I want to have, that I know is wise not to have. Because the fights just aren’t worth it. Lay in bed last night thinking that I’m over this already. Finding it all a strain, no longer exciting anymore. Feel very angry and volatile. Feel like throwing things and causing damage. Want so badly to be violent. Brutally violent to get all the rage out of my system.
I’m being punished. For trying to do the right thing. While we both originally took 2 weeks off for annual leave to go away, because I need to spend a day or two with Mum at the end of January, and I know she probably won’t want him there, he’s going off to New Zealand for 5 days to visit friends. On his own. By the time he comes back, we’ll be too broke, and he’ll be too exhausted for us to really do anything together. So while at least he gets to go away, I don’t leave this place. And I find this very unfair.
I accept that the situation is making it difficult, but at the same time I think he’s being a little childish. And I don’t feel like I should be punished. I have enough from my mother telling me that every decision/action comes with a consequence.
I just don’t like feeling punished. I hate feeling like I don’t deserve a holiday away because I’m trying to do the right thing.
And while I accept that he doesn’t want to help in any way with helping my mother in terms of money, it still hurts. Especially when it means I’m essentially on 100 dollars a week. And because I’m seeing my physiotherapist this weekend, it’s going to be closer to 50 dollars this week.
I’m also required to help with my grandmother next week, so that’s 100 dollars out of my savings account – where my savings account hasn’t had a single deposit in it for over six months.
I’m not saving. I hate relying on him for money. I can feel a sour taste in my mouth when I think about our situation. The best thing to do is to not think about it. But it’s easier said than done. The only way is to do my old trick of hiding. Get out a novel and read. Immerse yourself into a book, into another world, another reality. It’s one of the reasons why I love fantasy so much. Reading about dragons and magic and fairies are about as far removed from reality as you can get. I really miss reading. I went through a brief stint a few weeks ago, going through ‘the shipping news,’ ‘the constant gardener’ ‘girl with a pearl earring’ and a whole bunch of funny-madcap novels. I’ve gotten into a stint of wanting to read novels that are considered ‘classics’/’ modern literature’ – and coincidentally have all been made into movies.
I’m still feeling miserable. And the weather’s not helping. I hate feeling defensive. I hate feeling like I have to censor myself in order to make the days go by. There’s no point arguing. It’s just all too difficult and hard – especially when we have to see each other the next day. I think some distance would probably do us some good.
And I really want a new job. I don’t like him overseeing me. I get too sensitive. I don’t feel confident or capable with him around. I feel like he is constantly criticizing.
I worry that this relationship is starting to fray at the seams. Perhaps not for him, but for me, definitely.
I hate being angry at him at work for something work related, and then having to make peace or compartmentalize in order for us to be pleasant to each other when we go home.
I’m too tired. I think it’s too much to have him in every aspect of my life.
And deep down I do resent that he doesn’t seem to understand about my mother. And in his own words, ‘I don’t need to understand’.
To be honest, I’m chafing at the reins a bit. I feel a little pressured. I’m not really enjoying myself. Everywhere I turn, all I see are expectations. All I see are restrictions. I need to get away. The problem is, there’s nowhere for me to turn. At least he’ll get his overseas holiday. A break away from everything. All I get, is the knowledge that I did the right thing by my mother, and two weeks stuck either at home, or a few days down south with his mother – how exciting. Not..
I want peace. And I can’t get that while I’m trying my best to appear ‘good’ in front of his mother.
I don’t want a 3 day holiday. He originally promised me 2 weeks away. And now all I’ll get are dregs. And I hate it.
I feel so trapped. There is no break from this reality.
“only losers stay at home on annual leave”.
Well guess what? Thanks to you, I am a loser.
Thanks.
Rambling Butterfly
So I discovered the reason for the headaches - I'm sick. Have been stuffed up and throat-scratchy for the last two days. Today's day three of Operation-Sicky-Butterfly, and it's going well. Boyfriend does not believe in cold and flu tablets - something about pseudoephidrine not being good? *shrug*
So I'm down to herbal remedies, since my panadol is at work. Basically rug up, drink water and finish off the oranges. Yeh I know.... like
that's really gonna kill the cold.
Didn't go to work yesterday. Got as far as getting ready to go out the door, and sort've collapsed onto the couch thinking 'i'm so tired... i don't think i'll be able to do anything productive' and so glad that for once, I was ahead of schedule. So I didn't feel bad for taking the day off work at all. But I might go in some time this afternoon.
Money problems weighing me down. And of course, my mother - surprise, surprise.
Had this huge argument with the boyfriend two days ago about spending some time with Mum in late January before we went on annual leave. Instead, he's going on a 5 day international sojourn to visit some friends, and I'm just going to my mum's.
Again, the whole thing about 'timing' popped up. If it's so hard to get involved in this relationship and make it equal - is it really worth holding on to? He shouldn't have to deal with my mother - but he has to. It got to the point where he told me that if mum didn't accept him, then he wouldn't accept her. Except, he's never really done much to make her accept him either. He's not trying. So why should she? I get the feeling they're as stubborn as each other. In some ways, probably all three of us are stubborn. A stubborn triangle, eh?
My nose is stuffed =( It is so painful to fight for oxygen. My body feels overheated, but I don't dare take any clothes off, in case the cold gets worse.
Seeing dad on Monday. We have to go and get him a present, as well as buy him a Christmas present. In the meantime, since I'm broke after buying a Sarah McLachlan DVD (!!!!!!) and a new jacket, I've had to rely on boyfriend for everything, and will continue to rely on him until payday. I don't really like being financial dependent on him, and in some ways I don't think he likes it much either. I still need to get up the courage to tell mum in late January that I'm going to lessen her payments. It's not going to be pretty.
Sometimes, all the family obligations just seem so hard. And if they're so hard - then why bother trying???
I just wonder at times, if perhaps he's just here to let me 'find myself.' He told me the sweetest and saddest thing the other night: "even if you eventually left me, I'd still be grateful for having had you love me once". And me being soft-hearted me, just melted. Break ups are so sad. So full of nostalgia.
I just drank two cups of hot tea, and I can feel the caffiene crowding in my head. I wish I wasn't so sensitive to additives such as caffiene, alcohol and sugar. Although I guess there's good and bad things about being tipsy after one glass of wine. Less expense at the bar, but also probably a lot easier to be taken advantage of in the wrong situation. And then there's that whole stigma of 'keeping up with the boys.'
Lots of other things I could talk about. Don't really know where to start or if I want to. This cold is making my mind ramble all over the place.
...I have a cold =(
I feel miserable.
My head's all stuffed up, and my nose is blocked.
The worst thing is, when I lay down to nap, my head gets worse. I wonder if that has to do with where the bed is - barely 1 foot off the ground. We sleep on a futon on a very low frame.
Maybe I should just stop thinking again. And just try to make the most of what I've got. I only get 1 shot at my twenties. May as well make the most of it. And be happy while it lasts. I woke up this morning, looked over to my right, and saw him rolled over sleeping. And this feeling of ownership and happiness just washed over me. All I wanted to do was hug him. And tell him how much I love having him in my life. But he was sleeping. I don't think he would've appreciated being woken up for that.
There really have been happy moments. Although sometimes I wonder if I'm happy because he seems to fill a void in my life that in some ways I never knew was really there. He makes me feel special and wanted. And sometimes I wonder if that's enough. If that's what you can define as 'love.' Of course, the age old question really is, 'what is love anyway?'
So beleagured by doubt. So tired of the power plays between mother and daughter. So afraid to live my own life and not be scared of what other people may think. So terrified of losing people. So desperate to hold onto the people who think the world of me. Or at least keep them in my life. So paranoid that at the end of the day, I'm really not good enough.
Without my mother, I feel the loss of grounding. I feel the lack. She gave me a confidence in myself that I no longer have. It's like I'm suddenly adrift, cast out on the ocean.
She told me the other day that her conscience was clear and that she was a good mother to me. And it didn't matter that obviously i thought she was a bad mother. It's not that i think she's a bad mother. It's just that I feel she suffocated me a bit too much. And didn't let me explore my own true self without fear of criticism.
Everyone says that if she doesn't bend, she'll lose me. She just argues that I have to live up to the consequences of my actions. And in this case, it means she gets free rein to punish me.
*sigh*
My head's full of cotton wool. I think I'll go back to playing tetris. It's midday. Hopefully he'll wake up soon and we can begin the day. All my library books are WAY overdue.
anyway... i'll stop rambling now. tetris it is. yeah.
Doubting Butterfly
They say make the most of what you've got because you only get one shot at it. I think it's easier said than done.
Sometimes I don't know who to believe. I've spent all my life listening to my mother, living her values and following her morals. And often wishing I could live another life - one of my own values and morals.
I managed to live my own - but I guess you could argue at a great cost. My mother feels like I've betrayed her and argues that not only will I never experience 'true' happiness, but that I've become a bad daughter. And that she has done her job as a 'good' mother and has no bad conscience when it comes to me. Whereas I will always feel guilty.
I don't really know what to think or feel about that. I get so confused. And then I just try to stop thinking about it.
I wish I didn't care so much about what other people thought and felt about me. There are still many times when all I really want is the other person to like me. And so many times when I wish that I was a stronger person with stronger convictions. Because so often it feels like it doesn't really take much for me to crumble and fall.
My head aches a little. I think it's from oversleeping. I've slept around 8 hours. And as pleasant and lovely as the overcast cool day is in comparison to yesterday's unbelievable 43 degrees, I can't soak any more coolness in.
My head aches, I feel a little miserable and sorry for myself.
I guess I'll never know if I made the right decision until it's too late. Or maybe I'll spend my life never knowing, and continually doubting myself. Maybe that's the bane of my life. I can potentially see myself one day packing up and leaving of my own volition.
It's bad to say, I know. But sometimes I wonder if commitment really is the right thing for me.
It scares me to see the word 'defacto' and know that in a month or two, that term will apply to me. What happened to my freedom? I know it's the wrong way to look at things. But I can't help it sometimes. I'm only 23.
It's 10.30. I think I'm going to find some food.
Current Butterfly
Another year.
I guess it means I should pause and reflect.
This time last year I was reading a blog about a girl who had just moved out of home, and her relationship with her mother was in tatters as a result.
I never imagined that in a year's time, I would be writing the exact same thing.
I went to a New Year's Eve party last night and was asked what was the most biggest thing that happened to me this year. Without a doubt it would be my boyfriend. Because of him I moved out. Because of him my relationship with my family has essentially deteriorated. Because of him I'm doing laundry in 40 degree heat while he's fast asleep on the couch. =P
I no longer feel resentful about it all anymore. The road has been too long in getting to here. And there's no point turning back. Sometimes I'm still scared, wondering if I've done the right thing, being with him. If I'm back pedalling again, or just treading water. It's comfortable, it's pleasant, and there are moments of happiness when I feel loved, cherished and cared for. I don't know if this is true love but I'm here, so I should make the most of what I've got.
He tells me that he's the lucky one and that he knows he's lucky to have me. Maybe I'm just too young to know what this is, and maybe I can't really appreciate this on a deep level, but I'm here now, and as my friend said to me the other day, I really have to make the most of what I've got. Everyone keeps on telling me you only get to be this age once. So am I throwing it away by being with him, and not being able to play the field? I don' know. But I'd be stupid to throw this out in order to find out.
I never imagined my life would turn out this way, and I know the cliche in that statement.
Anything more than that, I can't really say.
All I know is that I'm here now.
And I guess that's all that matters.
