Rambling Butterfly
So I discovered the reason for the headaches - I'm sick. Have been stuffed up and throat-scratchy for the last two days. Today's day three of Operation-Sicky-Butterfly, and it's going well. Boyfriend does not believe in cold and flu tablets - something about pseudoephidrine not being good? *shrug*So I'm down to herbal remedies, since my panadol is at work. Basically rug up, drink water and finish off the oranges. Yeh I know.... like that's really gonna kill the cold.
Didn't go to work yesterday. Got as far as getting ready to go out the door, and sort've collapsed onto the couch thinking 'i'm so tired... i don't think i'll be able to do anything productive' and so glad that for once, I was ahead of schedule. So I didn't feel bad for taking the day off work at all. But I might go in some time this afternoon.
Money problems weighing me down. And of course, my mother - surprise, surprise.
Had this huge argument with the boyfriend two days ago about spending some time with Mum in late January before we went on annual leave. Instead, he's going on a 5 day international sojourn to visit some friends, and I'm just going to my mum's.
Again, the whole thing about 'timing' popped up. If it's so hard to get involved in this relationship and make it equal - is it really worth holding on to? He shouldn't have to deal with my mother - but he has to. It got to the point where he told me that if mum didn't accept him, then he wouldn't accept her. Except, he's never really done much to make her accept him either. He's not trying. So why should she? I get the feeling they're as stubborn as each other. In some ways, probably all three of us are stubborn. A stubborn triangle, eh?
My nose is stuffed =( It is so painful to fight for oxygen. My body feels overheated, but I don't dare take any clothes off, in case the cold gets worse.
Seeing dad on Monday. We have to go and get him a present, as well as buy him a Christmas present. In the meantime, since I'm broke after buying a Sarah McLachlan DVD (!!!!!!) and a new jacket, I've had to rely on boyfriend for everything, and will continue to rely on him until payday. I don't really like being financial dependent on him, and in some ways I don't think he likes it much either. I still need to get up the courage to tell mum in late January that I'm going to lessen her payments. It's not going to be pretty.
Sometimes, all the family obligations just seem so hard. And if they're so hard - then why bother trying???
I just wonder at times, if perhaps he's just here to let me 'find myself.' He told me the sweetest and saddest thing the other night: "even if you eventually left me, I'd still be grateful for having had you love me once". And me being soft-hearted me, just melted. Break ups are so sad. So full of nostalgia.
I just drank two cups of hot tea, and I can feel the caffiene crowding in my head. I wish I wasn't so sensitive to additives such as caffiene, alcohol and sugar. Although I guess there's good and bad things about being tipsy after one glass of wine. Less expense at the bar, but also probably a lot easier to be taken advantage of in the wrong situation. And then there's that whole stigma of 'keeping up with the boys.'
Lots of other things I could talk about. Don't really know where to start or if I want to. This cold is making my mind ramble all over the place.
...I have a cold =(
I feel miserable.
My head's all stuffed up, and my nose is blocked.
The worst thing is, when I lay down to nap, my head gets worse. I wonder if that has to do with where the bed is - barely 1 foot off the ground. We sleep on a futon on a very low frame.
Maybe I should just stop thinking again. And just try to make the most of what I've got. I only get 1 shot at my twenties. May as well make the most of it. And be happy while it lasts. I woke up this morning, looked over to my right, and saw him rolled over sleeping. And this feeling of ownership and happiness just washed over me. All I wanted to do was hug him. And tell him how much I love having him in my life. But he was sleeping. I don't think he would've appreciated being woken up for that.
There really have been happy moments. Although sometimes I wonder if I'm happy because he seems to fill a void in my life that in some ways I never knew was really there. He makes me feel special and wanted. And sometimes I wonder if that's enough. If that's what you can define as 'love.' Of course, the age old question really is, 'what is love anyway?'
So beleagured by doubt. So tired of the power plays between mother and daughter. So afraid to live my own life and not be scared of what other people may think. So terrified of losing people. So desperate to hold onto the people who think the world of me. Or at least keep them in my life. So paranoid that at the end of the day, I'm really not good enough.
Without my mother, I feel the loss of grounding. I feel the lack. She gave me a confidence in myself that I no longer have. It's like I'm suddenly adrift, cast out on the ocean.
She told me the other day that her conscience was clear and that she was a good mother to me. And it didn't matter that obviously i thought she was a bad mother. It's not that i think she's a bad mother. It's just that I feel she suffocated me a bit too much. And didn't let me explore my own true self without fear of criticism.
Everyone says that if she doesn't bend, she'll lose me. She just argues that I have to live up to the consequences of my actions. And in this case, it means she gets free rein to punish me.
*sigh*
My head's full of cotton wool. I think I'll go back to playing tetris. It's midday. Hopefully he'll wake up soon and we can begin the day. All my library books are WAY overdue.
anyway... i'll stop rambling now. tetris it is. yeah.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 12:01 am
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