Watery Butterfly
“Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness
Comes creeping on so haunting every time” (Blink 182 – I Miss You)
I had a strange dream this morning, where we went down south to a famous landmark of two blowholes in the rock along the shore. I dreamt that my family and I went down and watched the water – it was a rough day in the surf. And slowly the water began to rise. My family and I scrambled up the cliffs, as the water kept on rising. It was like it was alive, creeping up and dashing you. At one stage I turned to see all the swimmers who I’d seen down at the beach frolicking, now look at me in fear, telling me there was no point going towards them to avoid the water, or even to save them.
It was like a tsunami, but it wasn’t. It was like the water was playing games with me. And the waves were spectacular. I kept on wanting to take my camera out and capture the shots. The few that I managed to get, I showed my family members, but stopped after a while, hoping to conserve the batteries for later shots.
I remember being dashed up against a wall, with the water coming at me, and trying to put my camera at arm’s length to save it from being drenched and ruining it. And as it happens in dreams, it worked. I was dashed up against the wall from the waves, but my camera made it.
As I wandered away dazed, I looked through my camera lens and it felt like I was following a spirit of sorts. An ethereal presence, flighty and translucent. And I followed it in the hope of capturing a few pictures.
It began to get dark.
In the eventual melee I lost track of my family. When I found them again, everything was over and I found out that my mother had drowned. She hadn’t gotten away in time.
As I wandered back past where I had once run terrified from, I noticed body bags lined up neatly against the park fence. And eventually we got to my mother’s. And I welled up in tears.
Strangely though, as I knelt by her body she somehow came back. Coughing and spluttering, it seemed she’d only been dazed and lost consciousness for a time. It’s strange how dreams can make someone die, and then bring them back to life.
But the dream itself puzzles me. I’m worrying about a lot of things lately. Money. Family. Loss of Time. Absence of down time. Incompetence in driving. There’s a lot on my mind.
Mother’s Day is coming up too, and I have to face that. And then there’s wondering how I’m going to break the news to my brother that we’ve just bought a car.
*sigh*
My boyfriend tells me that I just worry too much. Perhaps. And they’re just manifesting themselves in my dreams. I've been dreaming about my family a lot lately. I just find it strange, dreaming of water as a living entity, indifferent and malicious at the same time, rising up metres and metres to take over people’s lives. Randomly coming in from all sides, dashing itself up against walls and buildings. Creeping up and then retracting.
And even after everything was over, when I was leaving the area, looking back on a much calmer sea, suddenly it felt like the water was rising again.
And strangely enough, the water was always clear.
Drunk Butterfly
I met some of his American cousins tonight. They seem to like me. I'm on one riesling and a vodka and cranberry. I haven't had a vodka and cranberry in a long time. So I'm a bit hyped.
In a bout of drunken honesty, I told him that I was scared about the relationship. That I was scared that I was too young, and that I wondered if this was the right thing for me to do. And then bizarrely I found myself telling him that no matter what, despite all my fears, I still wanted to be with him.
And suddenly, in a flash of cliched lightening, or in a bolt of self awareness/enlightenment, I discovered that if he had asked me to marry him there and then, I would've said yes.
I told him that I did in fact want to spend the rest of my life with him, despite all my fears. And the more I sit here and think about it, the more I think it's true.
I think I was so shocked in telling him the honest truth before I even managed to rationally process it, that on the train, I found I was pulling back up the defences. I asked him if he was more honest when drunk. And he gave me a bemused smile. I think he knew why I was asking. And he told me yes and no. That sometimes he was more honest, and sometimes he ended up just bullshitting more.
So who knows. I think perhaps time will tell. But at the very least I've admitted it out loud now, that I can in fact see the rest of my life with him. I never thought that would ever be the case. If anything I was more resigned to it than looking forward to it. I always saw it as a bit of a trap. So this is a very big change. And I think internally I'm still dealing with it.
But let's assume that I am in fact being more honest in my drunken state, I think perhaps I really can spend the rest of my life with him.
I've never felt this state of peace before. After and as I was telling him, I found the tears spring forth unbiddingly. And as we walked back to the station, I felt like I was floating. And the whole time I knew I was walking in step with him. They always say that couples who walk together exactly (left foot together, right foot together) are mentally/emotionally/whatever in tune together. And I've never really felt like we were. But for a few moments tonight I felt like we were in tune. Like I'd found a frequency where we were both together. We were on the same wavelength, thinking the same things.
It felt like I was floating. Not in a vodka haze, but more just in an emotional desire to be honest with him and myself.
And perhaps all my fears have just been that - fears. And not inner truths. Who knows.
Time can only tell if my 'honesty' is in fact reality.
Weekend Butterfly
I had a lovely weekend, one where I completely forgot about everything.
Saturday afternoon was spent at the races, where every horse I bet on came third. But since I only bet $1 each way, all I won back was 30 and 50 cents. Basically I lost money.
Saturday evening was at the Spanish Club, drinking sangria and making new friends, and of course dancing my little heart out. To which one of the cutest guys in the room told me he had watched me dancing and I was fantastic on the dancefloor. I’m gonna make sure I get to know him well…
Yesterday afternoon boyfriend and I trekked down to have lunch a suburb away, and took the dog with us. Italian was on the menu, and despite sitting outside in the restaurant’s shadow, it was a lovely peaceful afternoon. I felt restored. It reminded me of the excitement that I felt when we first started going out this time last year. Some of the magic of that afternoon is still hanging around.
As we walked back home, we decided to take a look at some cars (since we’d been talking about it for a while now) and ended up taking a little astra for a test drive. Power steering I think was my favourite feature. The car was fairly nice. Although boyfriend has a few reserves about it being a 98 model. But it’s nice. Acceptable. I could see myself driving it down the south coast. And suddenly the world opened up for me again. Despite getting my driver’s licence, I never ever felt like the world was my oyster. I only got to drive intermittently, and only to places pre-destined by my mother. I never knew what it felt like to just hop into the car and drive somewhere. So now with this steering wheel in my hands, I’ve gotten very excited. Suddenly the world unfolds itself to me. And I can go places, no longer bound by train lines, bus routes or pedestrian walkways.
I’m hoping we can get the finance for this car. He’s trying to sort it out this morning. It would be nice to be able to go places. And the car is nice. Not my dream car, but very very acceptable. It’s pretty roomy despite its size. And we could fit everything we ever needed in there. Already I’m picturing big shopping sprees in places that were once considered ‘out of the way.’
We can buy furniture. We can buy big items. No longer will we be bound by how much we can carry! And on the weekends when we want to go south, we can take the dog with us.
Now that we have a bit of cash back up our sleeves, it won’t be so bad. The extra that we’ll get from paying mum less, we can now use to buy ourselves a car. And in between, we can put a bit more into the credit card *crosses fingers *
Have been having strange dreams of late. All containing my brother. The first had him disappearing into a coma for three nights because my grandpa (who passed away close to 10 years ago) ‘needing him.’ The second dream had my brother crashing into me at the shopping center and offering to give me a lift to the station, only to make a detour to pick my mother up as well. And of course, the minute she gets in the car, arguments ensure. Meanwhile, my phone battery was dying and I couldn’t get through to my boyfriend to let him know where I’d gone.
I’d say the synopsis of these dreams is that I feel like my family is driving my destiny and I can’t communicate this properly to my boyfriend.
Anyhow, daylight savings has kicked in. Time to face the real world again. Sigh…
