Drunk Butterfly
I met some of his American cousins tonight. They seem to like me. I'm on one riesling and a vodka and cranberry. I haven't had a vodka and cranberry in a long time. So I'm a bit hyped.In a bout of drunken honesty, I told him that I was scared about the relationship. That I was scared that I was too young, and that I wondered if this was the right thing for me to do. And then bizarrely I found myself telling him that no matter what, despite all my fears, I still wanted to be with him.
And suddenly, in a flash of cliched lightening, or in a bolt of self awareness/enlightenment, I discovered that if he had asked me to marry him there and then, I would've said yes.
I told him that I did in fact want to spend the rest of my life with him, despite all my fears. And the more I sit here and think about it, the more I think it's true.
I think I was so shocked in telling him the honest truth before I even managed to rationally process it, that on the train, I found I was pulling back up the defences. I asked him if he was more honest when drunk. And he gave me a bemused smile. I think he knew why I was asking. And he told me yes and no. That sometimes he was more honest, and sometimes he ended up just bullshitting more.
So who knows. I think perhaps time will tell. But at the very least I've admitted it out loud now, that I can in fact see the rest of my life with him. I never thought that would ever be the case. If anything I was more resigned to it than looking forward to it. I always saw it as a bit of a trap. So this is a very big change. And I think internally I'm still dealing with it.
But let's assume that I am in fact being more honest in my drunken state, I think perhaps I really can spend the rest of my life with him.
I've never felt this state of peace before. After and as I was telling him, I found the tears spring forth unbiddingly. And as we walked back to the station, I felt like I was floating. And the whole time I knew I was walking in step with him. They always say that couples who walk together exactly (left foot together, right foot together) are mentally/emotionally/whatever in tune together. And I've never really felt like we were. But for a few moments tonight I felt like we were in tune. Like I'd found a frequency where we were both together. We were on the same wavelength, thinking the same things.
It felt like I was floating. Not in a vodka haze, but more just in an emotional desire to be honest with him and myself.
And perhaps all my fears have just been that - fears. And not inner truths. Who knows.
Time can only tell if my 'honesty' is in fact reality.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 12:40 am
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