Sickly Butterfly
After a night spent at the boyfriend's it always surprises me how long or short I've really been away. It always seems like an age since I was last in my room, or last in reality.
Spending time with him is often like stolen time. Magical time, where the only person who exists, is him.
I've got a cold. My body is still shell shocked and recuperating. I'm all over the place.
I tell you though - it certainly feels like I've been gone away for an age - even if technically it was only two days. It definately feels like I've been on hiatus for much longer than that.
Lots of thoughts running around in my head. I'm not at my best physical peak right now, so perhaps it might be better to type out all those thoughts later after a good night's rest in my own bed. Not that I haven't been sleeping. All I've been doing for the last two days has been sleeping. It got to the point last night where I was all sleeped out.
Spending time with the person you love... *sigh*
There's nothing like it.
Sore Butterfly
For better or worse, it's done. Four days after finding out unwanted news, I've had it all settled out.
My insides feel like they've been scraped out. It feels raw in there. And it's kinda like cramps, and it's kinda not.
It's been a busy, tiring, stressful week.
I broke down before I went in for the operation. After listening to all the potential complications I suddenly got scared. And felt very nervous about the entire procedure. A nurse walked by, came in and asked if I was ok. Ever the stoic one, I tried my best to put on a brave face and nodded emphatically twice. But she came up to me, knelt down and talked to me. And suddenly I blurted out how scared I was.
She consoled me telling me that the wait must've been horrible. "It's all the waiting that's making it worse. You've been waiting a long time" (I'd been there for about close to an hour and a half by then). While in my head, I wryly thought, "I've been waiting since Monday". But I wasn't about to tell her that.
And while she questioned whether I really wanted to go through the procedure or not, seeing my emotional state, I continued to tell her yes. It wasn't so much conviction or stubborness that made me say yes. I just knew that yes was the only option.
I had my first bout of real morning sickness this morning. And I couldn't stand it. I threw up on the train. I felt so bad for my fellow commuters. I couldn't hold it in. I tried so valiantly and gave up on the last stop before my station. I knew I wouldn't be able to hide it from my mother for the next two days.
And when faced with decisions like these, I'd honestly prefer to have everything sorted out now, rather than later. The sooner the better.
I was with professionals though. It cost quite a bit, but they were so professional, comforting and nice. Reassured you every step of the way. They must see so many females in that clinic. And it must be so obvious to them that some of us turn into absolute wrecks. I don't know if I'll ever be able to face motherhood now that I've had a taste of it - even if it's only been for four days. Perhaps it's different when you're allowed to celebrate it. When everyone knows. It becomes something good. Something to be proud of. But when these pregnancies come at a time that is unsuitable, the reactions aren't the same.
I am sorry for the potential child to be, that it could not come at a more fortuitous time. I am sorry to my boyfriend, who when pushed told me that he would love to have children, and that the question wasn't so much if he was ready to be a father, but rather, that now is as good a time as any for him to be one. And he would grow into it. The important thing for him was whether it would be a good time for both of us. And he knows that I'm not ready. He accepts that there are multitudes of reasons for us not to keep it. But I can't help but feel a strange sense of loss and sadness that I cannot give this to him. I cannot give him a child, or in this case, this child.
When the doctor asked me today why I wouldn't keep the child, and prompted me with answers, 'you're not ready? emotionally? physicaly? financially? your career?' I had to laugh. My answer was all of them, and probably a whole lot more. And it's true. Call me selfish, but honestly right now is not the time for me to fall pregnant. It's so not. My career is just getting on the tracks. I have only just fought and won my freedom. The relationship is only in its beginning stages. 4 months. Who knows where it will end, or how far it will go? And there's no way I'd be willing to be a single mother. Financially I can't even support myself if I chose to live out on my own.
As I was walking to the clinic though, I realised perhaps I should've gotten him to pay for half the operation. He had asked if I wanted him to contribute. But I always feel awkward asking for money. I would've preferred if he'd insisted. Or if he'd brought it up. I don't feel right saying yes all the time. But I also know that he is not that type of guy. I know that he would prefer that I would be upfront with him. If I want him to pay half, and he's willing, he'll bring it up, and all I have to do is say yes please. But I seem to have a small moral aversion to it. Sure, sometimes I'll let him. But there are other times when I don't want him to misconstrue the situation. He probably never will. But I seem to have a little paranoia bone in my body that seeks to find the flaws in my character. I don't want him to turn around one day and say to me, 'I did this for you, I paid this for you." I guess I'm just trying to ensure that I won't be emotionally blackmailed by him or anyone one day.
And anyway, to his credit, perhaps he also realised that he should've helped pay for the procedure. After all, he had his part to play in the whole fiasco. But here I am forking out the money and suffering the consequences. All he has to do is sit back and wait for it all to be resolved. So the opera tickets that we were originally going to go dutch on, he told me that he'd pay for both of us. So perhaps that is the unspoken agreement between us.
I guess I just don't want to look petty. And I have money issues to boot.
It's sad that I can't really speak to anyone about it.
I told one of the girls I used to work with about our relationship yesterday. Her first response was, "what the-?" I laughed and responded with, "yeh, shocking news eh?" To which she replied, "no, not shocking. I couldn't wish for two more lovely people to get together." And while she followed her response with asking if dating my boyfriend was any different to the way he is as a guy in normal situations, I still believe that she was shocked. But either way, it felt good to tell her. To let it out in the open. And I'm pretty sure (as much as I would probably like to deny it) that just about everyone in the department knows. In fact, while my boss hasn't said anything to my face, the fact that she voiced her suspicions to us, to the point where I got offended and clammed up, is enough to confirm for my boyfriend that she knows.
Either way, I'm in a relationship. One that I hope will remain stable and loving. He tells me that he loves me. I feel so safe in his arms. I love spending time with him. I hope he never falls out of love for me. And I in turn, hope I never stray. He brings a sense of reassurance to my life and fills a void that I needed to be filled.
I spent the night at his house on Wednesday night, and the plan is to stay over on Monday and Friday night. We're planning to spend two nights just bingeing out watching DVDs.
I love him to pieces. And I hope it remains that way.
Things can only get better from hereon out eh?
I hope so.
Answering Butterfly
On the eve of my 23rd birthday, I capitulated and unblocked my ex one last time, and had a msn chat with him. The most revealing thing I came away with, was that frankly, I don't care.
He sat there and told me how much he hurt, what he's been up to lately, and how he religiously listens to Sarah Mclachlan, and how every time he does, he thinks of me. He's constantly reminded of the good times we had, and how it hurt him deeply that he stuffed up. And again, I don't care.
I honestly don't.
He no longer registers on my radar. And while it was my choice to talk to him that night, it was him that started shaking the minute I came online.
I honestly no longer care what he does with his life.
I think I honestly have well and truly moved on. Because whereas once, doing things for him was par for the course, and I cared about everything that he was involved in, these days, I could not give a damn. It was like I mentally brushed it over and went, 'yeh, whatever.' My hand probably involuntarily did the whole brush off move as well sometime throughout the conversation.
I'm glad I finally got to the stage where I no longer care. Although I admit it was a place I never expected to arrive at, and was met mainly with surprise. The way realisations are always met with.
On a different note, as time goes by, I realise that I have begun to appreciate my boyfriend more and more. Considering everything that's been happening lately, Sarah's
Answer seems to say all I need to say today. My favourite line in that song is:
"Cast me gently, into morning, for the night has been unkind." The words, the melody, her voice... it's one of my favourites from her afterglow album.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
I will be the answer
At the end of the line
I will be there for you
While you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty
I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance
If you can't look down
If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
‘Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
And when the stars have all gone out
You'll still be burning so bright
Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a
A place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight
If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
‘Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
And when the stars have all burned out
You'll still be burning so bright
Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
Sarah Mclachlan ~ Answer
Surprising Butterfly
Sometimes I wish I didn't know that certain people read this blog. Sometimes I forget that other people read it, and just treat it as a place to exorcise my demons, my inner tumultuous thoughts.
I'm pregnant. I freaked out when the doctor told me. Tears immediately came to my eyes, and I sat there in the doctor's surgery, totally still.
I proceeded to go to the pub and when asked by my boyfriend what I wanted to drink, I looked up and said, "is alcohol out of the question?" He laughed and got me a vodka and cranberry.
So technically I'm a mother. That's freaking me out to no end. I ended up eating my steak, my chips, my salad, and a quarter of my boyfriend's steak. I feel bloated. There's a heaviness in my stomach.
At least now I know why my breasts ache the way they do. And why I've been going to the toilet so often lately.
Honestly, I'm freaking out. I'm pregnant. The surprised look on his face when I told him. I never expected this. Yes, there was always a chance that I could conceive. But the fact that he'd said in passing that he was probably shooting blanks anyway, and the fact that a person always feels invincible until they are brought down, is all the more prominent right now.
I'm pregnant. Looking at the words, they don't seem to even apply to me. How can they?
Can you blame me for not wanting it? I have my whole life to live. Talk about a way to end the last day of being 22. Or even a way to mark the beginning of 23. Technically, I think that this is a great way time to be pregnant. If you were so inclined. You're young, the complications should be minor. You have all the time in the world to teach the child to grow up right.
But to be honest, I'm not ready. I would be bringing a child into the world and it would be totally unfair. He will respect my decision. I am so grateful that we had a conversation about all of this before this happened. And I think that he is also grateful that I came out and told him - even if it was point blank.
Better than hiding or whatever. So I have to get an ultrasound done to double check everything. To see how far along I am before I make my decision. This is going to be a traumatic week for me.
I can't be a mother. Call me selfish, but I seriously can't. Bring down your wrath, but I can't do this. I'm not ready.
And while he consoles me and tells me that it's alright, and says sorry, I know that it's not entirely his fault. I know that. But I haven't said it to him. I'm in too much shock to be able to.
My stomach is full of too much steak, salad and chips. And it's making me feel heavy in the stomach, a constant reminder of my ill-fated news today.
And the family is home. I can't tell them. I have to put up a brave face. I have to grit my teeth. The worse thing is I can't share it with anyone. It's my own burden to bear. And while my boyfriend points out to me that it's got nothing to do with them, it's only got to do with the two of us, I can't help but feel a bit helpless. I have a tendency to want to share. To talk to people. And I can't do that. I wonder if my conscience, my ingrained honesty will one day come out and I will find myself compelled to tell my mother about this.
I honestly never thought/believed I would be in this position. I never imagined that I would need to make this decision. Theoretically I had it all worked out. But now that I get a chance to follow through with it - it freaks me out. Whereas once I could honestly say without a doubt that I was clean, or whatever, now I have this black mark against my what will soon be past. I will have Past.
Tomorrow's my 23rd birthday.
Talk about surprises.
Cherishing Butterfly
I was mentally composing a blog on the train this morning, but I fell asleep in the process, and when I woke up, it had all fled.
So tomorrow's my birthday. I turn 23. And I had a discussion with mum last night, and I explained to her my outlook and viewpoint on life, love and relationships in general. Perhaps there is a bridge that we can both walk upon.
So the ex msged me last night. Wanted to catch up and all that. He told me that he was still madly in love with me and that he'd been suffering for four months over all of this.
Well, I softened enough to agree to meet him if he wanted to, but I also pointed out to him that I was already in a relationship with someone who loved and adored me and treated me right.
Either way, haven't heard back from him since - which is probably a good thing.
So I've had a think about it, and it may well turn out that I won't go to Japan after all. Instead maybe the bf and I will go down to New Zealand and partake in some skiing. I've never seen the snow before, so this will be pretty much be one of the most exciting things - ever.
And after my talk with mum last night, I know that I can rest assured in doing whatever I want to do now, and she will support me.
I wonder if that means I'm not adult. I don't know.
All I know is that I'm deleriously in love and happy. But I still hear echoes of his words from the weekend, and the few months past about me being an adult, and how he would leave if I didn't shape up.
I'm honestly scared right now, that the minute I start to properly settle into this relationship, he will get up and go. How will I deal with that? If he leaves, I'll be totally devastated. And while I trust him with my life, I'm scared right now that he's not here to stay. There's been too much turmoil in between, and it's shaken me up quite a lot. Being threatened on a moderately regular basis does crazy things to your faith in a relationship's constitution.
I hope he's for real, and I hope that his feelings won't change. I hope that he loves me and is genuine about it all, and I hope that it doesn't all turn around a month or two down the track and fall apart. I don't think I can handle that. I hope that smooth sailing doesn't equate to boring, and I hope that he will appreciate and cherish the good times to come.
Young Butterfly
So for once sleeping didn't stop the problem. I am a stupid stupid fool. Given the chance to do what I wanted, I still somehow managed to stuff everything up.
I went home on the trains last night, got home by 1. Boyfriend incensed, felt that I had led him on.
In my wallowing of own stupidity I managed to antagonise my mother this morning and now she's raving crazy in the lounge room.
How can a person be given the perfect opportunity to do what they want, and *still* stuff up?
She asks what is she needs for her to do. Honestly there's nothing. It's just my own mindset that's stuffed. Some stupid chemical in my brain which says 'try your best to do right by her, even though she gave you free rein.' And you do it. And then realise that you made the wrong decision. Because you're just going over the same patterns from before. And your boyfriend brusquely kisses you goodbye on the train station at midnight twenty minutes before the train arrives, and leaves.
Standing alone at the train station you realise that you've just gone ahead and proved with actions that you're not making him a priority. In fact, you didn't even make your safety a priority. And the longer the evening goes, the more you realise this, as you sit in your train carriage, huddled around your handbag, as you walk up the steps to the ticket barriers at your train station in the cold, as you get into a taxi and surreptitiously count your change. You're an idiot.
Speaking contritely to the boyfriend once you get home you get reprimanded with 'I want an equal. I want an adult relationship. You're not acting like an adult.' No, you're right. I'm acting like a child.
'You have to realise that you are not the centre of the universe. You are not to blame for everyone else's problems.'
'the more things go on, the more you say certain things, and the more you do certain things, the more my belief that you are scared of life is emphasized. I don't believe that's anyway to live. I certainly don't want to live my life that way.'
And suddenly I'm a little girl in a big person's relationship. Vainly scrabbling for a foothold. Scared of what consequences may bring, trying to placate people, and again realising that I've fallen into the trap. Not everyone can be happy. And I'm trying in the wrong ways to keep them happy.
Yes, the most important step is to make myself happy. But right now, I'm not happy. I've been grumpy for the last three days quietly freaking out over whether I was expected to stay overnight or not, and believing in my head that it was too soon. The killer was that I didn't tell him. I got scared. I told myself that I'd decide on the night, and then when the opportunity came and went, I still didn't tell him until we were buying tickets to go home.
So much for saying last Sunday night that I could be myself around him. My cousin tells me not to escape. Not to give this up. But it's hard when my first instinct is to run. I'm such a coward.
And now when I'm at home, all I can do is berate myself for my stupidity and to add even more fuel to the fire, I took it out on mum, who broke down and screamed at me that I'd already won and that she didn't want to play anymore. Followed by which she's been crying over what else she can do, because everything she does is wrong. And suddenly while the gates were open I fear that they will swing shut soon. And all because I was too scared to run while they were open.
And those words of his continue to haunt me. That maybe I'm just a kid in this relationship. And obviously it's not what he wants. He wants an adult relationship. And I'm so not adult. The fact that I took my own stupidity out on my mother proves that I'm a stupid young girl. Who somehow ends up hurting everyone despite her best intentions not to.
And the irony is that he would've driven me home this morning if I'd stay. I'm so stupid.
Moments like these, I wonder why I'm even here. I've fought too hard and long to not be here. But somehow I'm too stupid and scared to reap the rewards. I'm not willing to take the risk to get the reward. Even when the risk may well be small and the reward oh so big.
I'm such a coward. Such an idiot. And of course if he ever read this, he'd be telling me that I was just going into victim mode talk. Yeh, so what if I am?
I'm desperate for sympathy that I can't get. And while he points out that I'm luckier than some because I can change, it also means that I get no sympathy because it's my choice not to change. The sun's shining brightly this morning, mocking my decisions and actions towards the people that I care about.
I am such an idiot. How can anyone manage to ruin the perfect scenario?
Moi.
With a few well placed words and scornful looks.
There was silence on that train going to Central last night, and I wonder if he took that as another example of me clamming up.
And when he tells me that in an adult relationship dates are expected to end with one person spending the evening at someone else's house? I never knew that. He pointed out to me that it was the norm, not the exception. I don't know how to deal with this news.
Either way, I've just wet my feet, I sms'd him to tell him I changed my mind about Wednesday night, and will spend the night. On a worknight. I have no idea if I've done the right thing or not. In my mother's books I've done wrong. And maybe logically it was too impetuous a decision. But if I don't cave in now, if I don't acquiesce, he goes, right? I don't want him to go. Or do I? There were moments last night when I didn't even know anymore. When I somehow wished that it would all go away. Is this love honestly worth it?
My work career is partly in tatters over him, because I didn't handle it well. Because I've become petty. I'm dating a guy who isn't well liked in the company. And obviously they believe (and are probably correct in some way) that he is influencing me in a bad way. And their judgement leads me to ignore them - which is never a good move in an office environment.
My family life is all a-tumble because I couldn't handle that well either. The fact that the doors might clang shut again and my mother stop being civil to me, scares me.
How could I turn a blue sky black so quickly? What kind of idiot am I?
Tell me, *is* this love honestly worth it?
Sleepless Butterfly
I drank too much Chinese tea tonight and can’t sleep. Have been lying in bed tossing and turning.
Right now I feel very content. It is the happiest I have felt in a long time. Since the earth cracked and molten earth flowed through the family home, I’d like to think that things have settled down a little.
We went out to dinner with family friends tonight. And despite a little tension in the car as I nervously navigated and merged into speedy night traffic, things were fairly pleasant. Mother is making an obvious attempt to accept the reality that her daughter is growing up.
I don’t want this pleasantness to end.
Now that the boyfriend has essentially won me in this horrid battle of wills he is congenial to the point where is supportive. But more importantly, I feel like our relationship has yet again moved up a level in intimacy. One of his complaints last Monday night was that whenever we argue I clam up. I shut down and become passive-aggressive, leading to him continually talking and me sitting in silence.
Since Saturday night I no longer feel scared in voicing my true self to him. If anything, tonight, lying in bed, I notice that I am continually thinking of the many things that I want to tell him. Not that our relationship was ever based on me never speaking a word, but right now, it seems like there is even more for me to talk to him about.
I am starting to open up to him. Open up my true self. I am starting to trust him. And the belief that He Knows Best and will always do right by me has yet again been reemphasized in my mind.
I would trust him with my life.
His main argument on Saturday night was that he wanted me to be happy. He wanted me to be able to do whatever it was that I wanted because my first and only responsibility in life is to be happy. Not to make him, my mother, or any other person on the planet happy, but rather to make myself happy. Because if I’m not happy then how can I expect anyone else to be happy?
Fair enough.
I remember going to a counseling session two months ago where the counselor pointed out to me that one of the things that makes me very happy is spending time with my boyfriend. And that is so true. Every time I am around him my world lights up. Is it the sex? Is it the euphoria that comes with love making that makes me so happy to be around him? I don’t know. I had to practically tear myself out of his arms this morning when I left. I’d driven down to visit, and upon my departure hugged him goodbye. And the more I hugged, the more I didn’t want to stop hugging him.
I love kissing him, I love touching him, I love hugging him. But I also love how he kisses me, how tender he can be when he makes love to me, how warm and safe he makes me feel when he hugs me. And that, I think, is the most important part. He makes me feel secure. He makes me feel warm. He makes me feel loved.
It’s like he creates this little oasis where as clichéd as it sounds, all my worries fall away. That’s some line from a song isn’t it? ‘All my worries fall away..’
When he hugs me, all I feel is happiness. It rises from within and envelops me in a misty haze. I close my eyes and the feeling just washes over me like when you immerse yourself in a relaxing bubble bath.
I couldn’t stop hugging him today.
It pleases me to know that I can trust him with anything. When I rang him up on Saturday night, my goal was to discuss, not accuse or end things. I want to share everything with him. I want to share my life with him. I want to share every facet of my thought processes with him because I know that he wants the same. He wants me to be part of his life, and it seems so do I.
Personally, I find this is perhaps one of the most important steps that I can make in this relationship. He argued that at the crux of all our arguments was his desire to make me act like an adult. He is probably correct. All my life I’ve lived under the shadow of my mother. Always doing what I intuitively believed was what she wanted or approved of, never asking myself if that was in fact what I personally wanted or believed in. I have always lived by her values and never thought once to question whether they were in fact my own.
So when I take a step back and think about this more philosophically, I know for a fact that this man is good for me. I told him the other night that one of the reasons why I loved him so much was because he challenged me. Challenged me in ways that I would otherwise never face. And while at the time, I may not have 100% believed what I was telling him, tonight I think I believe that a whole lot more.
In all, it seems like things are improving. Overall, things are improving. I no longer find myself scared to voice certain truths or try and hide things from him. I find myself biting the bullet a whole lot more and asking him questions that can lead to him making judgement calls on me.
I think one of the things that holds me back as a person is my desire to be liked and loved. I constantly seek to find what traits a person looks for in others and try to emulate those traits. I end up trying to be that ‘perfect’ person in that person’s eyes. When what I should really be doing is just being myself, and not care so much about what other people think. My mantra should be, ‘This is who I am, and who gives a stuff about whether you like me or no? This is who I am.’ Clichéd, I know. But it’s clichéd for a reason – because it’s true.
Yet, while I rebelliously present a façade to the outside world that I am in fact different and self-assured, inside I am still a little girl. I will subversively try my best to be the type of person that you approve of, while continuing to present an outer persona that appears to be rebelling against the common establishment.
I won’t work in an airline company despite my envy of their employee benefits because I do not want to be viewed as a lemming – friends that I personally consider to be a little lower on my rung of ‘persons of worth and note’ already work in the airline industry, and therefore I choose not to denigrate myself. Instead, I’d rather be the trailing blaze of fire that speeds through life leaving others to envy me. Most likely, just like everyone else, I want to be the impactor rather than the impactee. I want to be the trailblazer. I want to be the envy of others.
Paradoxically, I will tie myself up into knots when I encounter a situation such as this one that I’m currently in, when I try to fit into the social norms. I find it difficult to voice my beliefs or desires when they do not fit into those very social norms that dictate who we are. It seems that my rebellion against the code or the status quo is so subtle that others viewing my actions would probably classify it as either petty or simply immature.
All my life all I seem to want to do is fit in. And at the same time, I also desire to be different. To be accepted while having my little niche. My little eccentricities that stop me from being like ‘all the others.’
I want everything to turn out ok. And while I sit up tonight typing all this out, I can’t help but feel a quiet sense of excitement. I can’t help but feel that this all may turn out well after all. I just have to take this slow. And hopefully, step by step, I will reach the light at the end of the tunnel.
Reaping Butterfly
So you won the game. Technically I also won because I reap the benefits of my decision. I am allowed to do whatever I want.
Although according to my mother it wasn't worth her heartache.
All I feel sometimes is the tugging. Her tugging at my heartstrings, using emotional blackmail to keep me by her side.
Perhaps I didn't do a good job in managing this situation.
I know that I am a scaredy-cat. That my fears always manifest in the worst possible ways leading to people getting hurt on the way side.
Either way her parting words today before leaving were, 'You are an adult now. I'm letting you go. You walk your own road. I will no longer hold your hand and protect you from the wind and rain. You're on your own. Be adult. Think of others. Don't be selfish.'
When she said those words to me, I involuntarily thought to myself, 'it was me trying to think of others that got me in this situation in the first place.'
All my life, all I've ever thought about is you. What makes you happy. What can I do to balance? How much can I sacrifice for you? While yes, it has not stopped me from getting what I wanted most of the time, the fact that the thought constantly went through my mind and was continually in the back of my head, 'how will mum react to this?' has held me back for 22 years.
And now with my boyfriend giving me an ultimatum, suddenly I am forced to face reality. His running line is that I have to decide. I have to choose what is right for me. The only responsibility that I have to myself is to be happy. Because at the end of the day, that is all that matters. My mother just wants to see me happy. That is her ultimate desire. He just wants to see me happy.
And yet, for the past two months all I've felt is torn. Torn between family, tradition, and my own inner desires.
To go on holiday with my boyfriend. To spend the night at his house. To one day live with him.
Promising Butterfly
So last night: "we will work it out."
I hope so.
I hope it's not all just words.
I hope that you truly understand.
I hope that it's not all talk, just something to placate, and I hope that you are as willing to wait as I hope.
"You really scared me Monday night"
"That's because you were being unreasonable"
I guess.
Just promise me you won't leave me.
The way you told me at the pub, "If this isn't going to work out, I need to know. I need to move on."
I'm seriously hoping that all this discussion is over. I don't want us to turn up 6 months down the track and have you turn around and demand to know why I can't stay over.
And last night when you said to me, "I'm just selfish."
True. But ironically there's nothing I can say to that other than agree. And even when agreeing, I do it in silence. Because there's nothing that I can really say to that.
Let's hope that we can incorporate you into a lot more family events, let my family get to know you more over the coming months and that maybe I will be allowed to stay over given certain circumstances or whatever in the coming months.
Please, just be patient with me?
I'm trying as hard as I can, although you claim that I haven't compromised at all, and that in fact I'm not even trying to keep you.
That look of frustration the other night - "you won't even give me a token offer."
Please, let it all be alright.
Explaining Butterfly
my explanation to my cousin:
in his mind, being an adult and being in an adult relationship includes the ability to stay over whenever i choose rather than when mum allows.
i guess i just want to be irresponsible and not have to explain and reassure mum when i want to do things.
if i personally didn't want to stay over, i would standfast and say no. but obviously this is not the case.
but when i see how much work needs to be done before i can do what i want (like stay over) and i see how he wants this more than i do because this is something he's used to, it makes me wonder if i am doing this for the right reasons, and if it is worth it.
i essentially originally let him go last night, but when he started talking to me about how i was unwilling to change or compromise i wondered if maybe i was being too scared or stubborn. and perhaps this is an opportunity to get rid of the idea that i am not allowed to do what i want - because really i am. it's just that i always think mum won't let me. so maybe it's something in my head. and not the reality. and i thought i should give myself a chance. because i do love him.
but when i woke up this morning, when i saw clearly how much work is ahead of me in order to get what i want, i wonder if i made the right decision. especially when i can't be totally honest with him over this. his perception is that i'm not an adult. and i have never taken responsibility for my choices - i have always included mum in the equation (by telling him so, rather than letting him thinik it was my decision only) and that is my wrong. there are some things that just can't be said/told.
i agree with you that love shouldn't necessarily come with rewards. you simply love. but i can't blame him for voicing his wants to me either. he's just being honest. but if the consequence of me saying that i can't give him what he wants right now means that he will go, i don't want that either. he tells me that the basis of a relationship is compromise and that he has compromised whereas i have done nothing. he tells me that if I keep on going this way, I will never change. and that thought scares me also that i might turn into a stubborn woman who will one day regret letting go of something that was good. i know he loves me, which is more than i believe people can say of others - although i could be wrong. i believe that i am lucky to be here.
at the same time, knowing that there are limits that cannot be passed with him doesn't make me feel any happier when i realise that i've been so scared about this and I haven't really been mature enough to handle this relationship properly to explain my situation to him acurately to the point where right now i dont' even want to explain, and i don't think he wants to listen anymore.
as advised by cousin: seems you know what going to do, then do what you think is right. you are an adult!
..do I really know though? ..really? or perhaps I'm thinking too much like she thinks I am.
Uncertain Butterfly
Did I do the right thing? I chose to stay. The compromise is that things remain the way they are for six months.
I woke up this morning and wondered if perhaps I made the wrong decision.
I still don't know.
You tell me that you don't expect me to cave in to your all your requests and wants. I am allowed to say no to you. But of course what you don't point out is that sometimes if I say no to you, it means that you will leave.
You're interested in a serious relationship. A relationship that involves two people spending time together. Where you can go out late and stay over if either of us want to.
Why do I always still feel like I'm in the wrong?
You keep on pushing.
But honestly while I can sit back and rationalise why everything is most likely possible, I'm actually very scared of going through with it.
I know I have a lot of inner turmoil and that honestly I'm all messed up when it comes to stuff like this. But at the same time, if it's not going to be now, it's going to be some other time when this may well be the scenario. Would I be better equipped to deal with it then? Or if it's going to happen eventually, why not just let it happen now? Sort out once and for all what it is I want and leave it at that?
It would probably be safe to say that I'm scared to fight for you - in case I fight the wrong battle.
The disgust you voiced last night: 'You don't give me anything. You won't even give me some token."
Love isn't about rewards. I know that. But I also see your point. And I acknowledge why you say what you do. Although all point out that if you loved me as much as you claim to, you would wait.
Did we make the right decision?
I don't know.
Did I cave in?
Did
I make the right decision?
This is just so stupid. If he won't accept the reality, if what he wants and needs is an adult relationship, and it's something that I can't give easily right now, then we should end it. Here and now. But I found myself half lying to him last night to keep him.
Do I really want this?
Honestly?
Why do I still harbour doubts?
Why am I so scared to fight for this?
What's so great about this? I'm 22. I have all the time in the world to find someone. Why can't I just let him go? And if he goes, then he goes, and so be it? Is it because he's the first man to treat me right - despite the fact that he refuses to see what's going here?
Why am I still here? Why do I risk this? Will I honestly regret this? Hell, will I regret not going through with this as well?
Am I just all full of bullshit?
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
Something has to change
Undeniable dilemma
Boredom's not a burden
Anyone should bear
Constant over stimulation numbs me
But I would not want you any other way
It's not enough
I need more
Nothing seems to satisfy
I don't want it
I just need it
To breathe, to feel, to know I'm alive
Finger deep within the borderline
Show me that you love me
And that we belong together
Relax, turn around and take my hand
I can help you change
Tired moments into pleasure
Say the word and we'll be
Well upon our way
Blend and balance
Pain and comfort
Deep within you
'til you will not want me any other way
It's not enough
I need more
Nothing seems to satisfy
I don't want it
I just need it
To breathe, to feel, to know I'm alive
Knuckle deep inside the borderline
This may hurt a little
But it's something you'll get used to
Relax, slip away
Something kinda sad about
The way that things have come to be
Desensitized to everything
What became of subtlety?
How can it mean anything to me
If I really don't feel anything at all?
I'll keep digging 'til
I feel something
Elbow deep inside the borderline
Show me that you love me
And that we belong together
Shoulder deep within the borderline
Relax, turn around and take my hand
Tool - Stinkfist
Tortured Butterfly
So yesterday didn't go well.
"Just throw this dog a bone."
I don't have any bones.
My mind's roiling around and I can't think of a single thing to alleviate the situation.
You want me to be honest. I don't know if I can. I love you, this isn't just some young infatuation. But when you ask me to integrate the two different parts of my life together - two that have always been seperate for 22 years, it is difficult.
You want positive reinforcement. I have none. You point out that all I tell you is in the negative. I can't do this, I can't do that. Or in your manner of viewing - I won't.
My cousin wants me to explain my situation to you properly. To be honest I don't know if I can. And the more I think about it, I realise that I don't want to. I can't bring myself to. The thought that you will jump down my throat and make me feel even more horrible says volumes also.
The more I think about it, the more I realise that probably I'm more messed up than the two of my ex's combined. And like all things in my life, I begin to see echoes of my own faults reflected in the actions of my last ex. And I want to pick his mind and see what it is that I missed. To see how I can improve.
The minute I shy away from explaining myself to you, I watch myself automatically jump ship. I contemplate the idea of leaving. Of going away. And the fact that you brought it up yesterday - when I told you that perhaps I'm not ready to handle this relationship - you petulantly tell me, "then you should never have agreed to it in the first place." Thanks for telling me.
I can't fight you. And even that is wrong, because you tell me, "but it hasn't left any lasting changes." i.e. just because I constantly feel like I am wrong hasn't changed anything. Hasn't affected anything to the point where it has become a problem.
I am having dinner with you tonight. What on earth am I going to say? I spent the morning on the train thinking about you. Trying to sort everything out. And suddenly I got so frustrated that I was half crying walking to work.
Be honest with you? I don't know where we're going. I don't know if I want you in my life ten years down the track. I went into this with the thought of just 'trying'. And suddenly it all got so serious.
I love you, I don't doubt that. At the same time, I don't know what to do. I can't blame you for wanting some answers.
It's only been three months. You're asking for commitment from me after three months - aren't you? And if you say no, then I'll be left in silence again.
I'm not strong.
The only way that I am strong, is in my adamancy that rejection is the best policy.
You tell me that you don't want me regretting my decisions. That you don't want me to regret breaking up with you and then ten years later blaming my mother.
You tell me that you're not fighting my mother. You're fighting me.
I've already started running.
I don't think you can stop me. And I'm sure that I'll philosophise myself into believing that the situation did not allow for me to love you properly.
So I'm emotionally still sixteen. And you will reassure me that there's nothing wrong with that.
On one hand I have my mother warning me against things telling me that I will regret making the decisions I make regarding you. On the other, I have you telling me that I will regret leaving you.
You tell me that there are two paths that I can take - the one with my family, or the one with you. And I stand there absolutely terrified to make either decision. I don't want to lose my family - which I know I may well do or at the very least hurt them more than I already have. Even though you tell me that I haven't.
You will leave me. I think part of the reason why I won't be honest with you is because the minute I am, I know you will leave. And I would rather it be me leaving than you. I want to be brave. I want to be adult. At the same time, I'm scared to.
Actions speak louder than words.
I think perhaps I am willing to sacrifice you. After all, who are you but just the boyfriend? Right? They all come and go. But family will stay forever. It seems to be the better choice to cultivate a love that I will always have to deal with, rather than spend/waste time on someone who will eventually leave.
I'm just trying to protect myself.
You tell me that you don't feel like a part of my life. You are. But what you have to realise is that there is two sides to my life. There's me at home, and there's me outside. I can't integrate the two. Or maybe I just won't. Because I've never had reason to. And it all seems so difficult.
Maybe deep down I hate myself, and I just don't want to be happy? Or is that someone else's excuse that I'm pilfering?
You tell me that it's also ok for me to not make a decision if I don't feel up to it. But it also means that there will be a consequence. You will leave me, I know it. I can't expect you to understand. And I don't think I will bother explaining myself to you.
I'm not the right girl for you. I'm not emotionally at the same stages as you. There's still much for me to learn and grow. And no matter that you'd be willing to be patient with me, I don't feel like I would be doing right by you.
Be honest with you? I can't. I'm scared.
Terrified.
You won't have sympathy with my situation because you feel that I'm not in a situation that I can't change.
It's funny the lengths we will go to in order to protect ourselves. I am probably willing to create a scenario for you that you've already half set up, in order to get you off my back, rather than be honest. It's like that whole host family thing all over again.
Am I really just in love with the idea of you? That someone your age could ever be interested in me? Would be willing to spend so much of their time with me? Are you just a symbol of all the things I'd like in my life?
How is it not the point that I'm not in the same place as you? Aren't I? I don't have the limitless boundaries that you have. Yet you point out that none of your boundaries are self-inflicted. Are my boundaries honestly self-inflicted? If I had all my boundaries broken, if I followed my life like you did, what would that achieve? I would regret it, wouldn't I? It would keep you, but nothing else. Do I honestly not love you enough? Is that what it is?
You have no sympathy for my boundaries. Are they honestly all self-inflicted?
Unorthodox relationship.
How much of the life I lead is not true? How much of it is falsity? How much of it is an illusion? Is the true me the dutiful daughter? Or is that the woman that you describe as passionate and full of potential?
I have no bones for you. All I can ask is for your faith in me. And running on empty like that isn't really enough, is it?
Why do you have to have all the answers now? Who am I to ask that question? To each their own.
You tell me that you stil have hope. All you need is a bone. But honestly, is it worth it for you to stay? I've told you constantly - nothing is going to change. And that is unacceptable to you. It won't be forever. But that's too vague for you. And according to you, you don't have me. You are at the bottom of my priorities list and your ego is too big to handle that. You dislike the idea that every part of my life has to be ok before I can contemplate spending time with you.
I want to point out that you don't have that problem. And you come back with you won't apologise for your life. I'm not asking you to. I guess I just want you to consider that when you point out to me that my life has priorities, that you don't have to deal with that.
Family needs me right now. More so than you. My career isn't exactly hammered into stone. I guess I just don't know how to handle this.
And logically then the argument is, if I can't handle it, I shouldn't be here.
If you still can't understand, then perhaps it's best for all concerned that I just let you go. But who would've thought that letting go would be so hard to do?
Do I honestly really want to let you go?
Is my pride or whatever really worth it to sacrifice you?
Why should I have to give up all this stuff when you don't have to? Is that really a compromise? or is it really like you say - all in a mindset with nothing set in reality?
Some food for thought, today's forecast:
Get more sleep. Seriously. If you are already getting plenty, get some more. If you are finding it hard to sleep, reassure yourself. Let go of whatever is upsetting you, no matter how urgent or intense it seems. Leave it, just for a while. Put it down, even if you know that you must pick it up again soon. A break is essential. You can afford to take one. Indeed, you can't afford NOT to have one. Perspective will bring clarity. Clarity will bring a solution.
I hope so.
Can I just raincheck this? All of this? Or would that be unreasonable?
Psyching Butterfly
I am preparing myself for the worst. In some ways I'm probably welcoming the idea of us breaking up in a masochistic way. It's easier for me to hide and never feel hurt and rejection. Block myself up and never let my heart feel.
It's not a matter of what I want, it's a matter of what you want, you tell me.
I thought we worked to compromise in a relationship.
I knew the day would come when you would decide that you couldn't hack it.
So much for true love.
If I can't give you what you want, do you truly want to leave? If you want it, I'll let you go. I'll be absolutely miserable, but I'll let you go. Because there's nothing else I can do. It's always about you. You never understand me and what it is I go through. And you stubbornly want me to do it your way or the highway. I don't think you've really met stubborn me before. But if you have it your way you may never need to know her. Because you will have made it so that you'll never need to be able to see it. You'll be long gone.
Thank you so much for the sweet memories. I will cherish them forever.
What on earth made you change your mind anyway? One minute your msging me with 'love. forever.' The next, you're telling me that it is unacceptable for us to wait 2 years for a normal relationship, and that if I can't be my own individual before then, then you need to go. And if you need to go, then why the hell is it up to me?
You're so selfish. You're a jerk. You don't really love me, do you? Why are you putting me through this?
I guess it doesn't really matter all that much why you're putting me through this. The important thing is that it's happening right now.
I don't even know if I want to fight you. Maybe I'll just turn up tomorrow, listen to all that you have to say and then just end it. Without an explanation. Just end it.
And everyone will be happy again. And then I will start applying for other jobs, and maybe you'll end up like my ex, and I will refuse to acknowledge your existence, and I will never hold another conversation with you again, no matter how much we get along and could be friends. Because there will be no point in us being together.
I cried myself to sleep last night to the point where I was hoarse this morning.
The fact that you questioned my love for you last night and said that this could all just be a young infatuation combined with an insatiable lust for you, and that I was more in love with the idea of you rather than you, yourself hurts. But honestly, how do you, how can you, truly define love in the first place?
You tell me that I'll regret leaving you. Right now you're not exactly giving me much of a choice.
I don't know what to do or say anymore to placate you. Maybe it's time I just fronted and was honest with you. Give it the last hurrah.
You don't love me, not really. My cousin reckons it's you who has the lust factor going on not me. You don't really love me. You just lust after me.
You point out that when you were my age you fell in and out of love in five minutes.
You tell me that age is not the problem. But I tell you - it is. You've had your fun. You've been around the block. Why on earth are you tying me down? Why do I have to prove my faith and love for you when you've already tried everything? It's not fair.
I can't wish that we'd never gone out together. You've made me so happy. Even my cousin pointed out you could see how happy I was the minute I was with him. It was a genuine happiness that emanated from the heart. We truly do enjoy each other's company.
What do you want me to do? Because if you leave, no matter whose fault it becomes, I will punish you. I will leave the company. I will erase myself from your life, and most likely you will never hear from me. You tell me that I'll regret it. But honestly I want you to wake up one day and be the one who regrets it. Although knowing you, most likely you will not. You will tell yourself that you found the woman that you have been searching for - but she didn't want me, no matter what I tried, and you will move on. You may grow old single in your bachelorhood, but you will never come back to find me.
I think that if you leave my life, I won't apply for that graduate program and become an ambassador. Most likely I will simply leave the country and perhaps attempt to restart a life overseas - maybe even take up your suggestion, and go and live with my cousin. It wouldn't be such a bad life.
You're so full of contradictions, you know?
Perhaps the only thing I have to do tomorrow is stand firm to my convictions. And not be swayed by you. Because you so often make it out like you are right, and I am wrong - even when it is in fact the opposite.
When you take a step back I've never really fought you. Always accepted things and done everything you wanted. You get your way with me about everything. I've never really ever said no to you.
What exactly do you hope to achieve with this pot stirring anyway? Do you honestly want out? Out of the blue have you just decided that you want to know how deep my love for you goes? And if it's not as deep as you want or hoped, do you plan to just dump me by the wayside?
I'm just all confused and tied up inside.
It's midnight. If I'm going to do all this driving, I better go to bed. Have to wake up at 8am tomorrow morning.
Wish me luck.
Baby, I love you so much. I need you so badly. You make me feel so invincible. You bring me happiness and joy. You make me feel loved.
If you leave me, it's not that I will shrivel and die. But at the very least you will take away a part of me that I don't really want gone. Perhaps that part of me that is loved by you was never really mine to begin with. Perhaps it was yours to give and take, and I have no power over it. But honestly my love, do you seriously want to leave me? If I tell you that this family needs me more than you need me, and that that won't stop me from loving you and going out with you - will you honestly leave me? If I can't go on holidays and spend weekends at your house, will you honestly leave me? If so, is that truly defined as love?
What is a 'normal' relationship anyway? Normal is, as normal does. It's all relative.
Yes you're not perfect. But honestly am I worth that little to you that you can just throw me away like that? Are your principles so strong on this matter that you're willing to keep away and love me from afar? Because I tell you now you will never be allowed to love me from afar. I will never allow it.
I will flee the country before I will ever forgive you. And like my ex, I will never hold another conversation with you again. We will be two polite strangers. And that is all.
A 'real' relationship that lasted for three months.
I knew you couldn't hack it. I always knew. Why do you think I kept on pushing you away? And you kept on coming back. Telling me that it wasn't my decision to make.
I need to sleep before I tear myself apart.
Breaking Butterfly
This week's forecast:
"Ignore the bad stuff. Cherish the good.
Each day will bring progress from now on. "
I'm driving over tomorrow morning to talk to you. You're so insolent. "If you love me, then be with me." "I just want a normal relationship."
Will we seriously get past this? Or will I have to let you go?
Ending Butterfly
"It is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all."
"Tell me this is the worst its going to get. Tell me things can only get better from here. Don't tell me that it's all up to me."
"I am sorry. That is the only thing I can tell you if I am being honest."
"You are the one I have loved and will ever love the most."
"I have found the one I want to be with."
But chances are we will soon part. Too much to say. Too much to explain. So much to extrapolate. It's 4am here.
I am very unhappy.
It looks like we were destined to meet and part. No matter your love for me. You do not understand. And most likely will never understand. You are too selfish. Perhaps I may still drive over on Sunday to talk to you about this. I'm not sure yet. Haven't decided.
I love you. I don't know how to quantify it, but I do.
You are my world.
Except that right now family needs me more. Regardless of what you may think, feel or believe. And for that I am truly sorry. But mum needs me. More so than you. I want and hope that you will love and wait for me. But in some ways you are too selfish and impatient.
I love you. Please believe that.
Biding Butterfly
Saturn's sharp angle to your ruler suggests frustration and aggravation. You feel as if you are being somehow squashed. Either your circumstances won't allow you to accomplish what you want to, or a companion is being uncooperative. Or perhaps, you are wrestling with an authority figure of some kind. For now, at least, you must play by someone else's rules. Don't waste precious energy in futile conflict or confrontation. Bide your time. Wait for a change.
Am irritable, irritable, irritable. That comment seems to fit well today. And for once I'm willing to listen to my horoscope. Wait for change. What else am I supposed to do if I don't want? It's just tiring always fighting the establishment.
So tiring.
Things just don't seem to be going my way. And I'm unhappy. Spoilt, and very very unhappy. I'm supposed to roll with the punches. But all I feel is resentment at the rejection.
I just feel so frustrated. You won't go with me to Japan, because you wouldn't feel right with mum not knowing that we were going together. You and your stupid honesty. I'll tell you now, straight up, that she won't let us go. And the best you can come up with, is well that's something that the two of you have to sort out. Of course, it's got nothing to do with you. And you also tell me straight up that it is unacceptable for us not to spend another night together for the next 2 years.
What do you want? I don't think we can have a normal adult relationship. I'm not ready. Not really. As much as I love the commitment and the amount of love that you harbour for me, I'm not ready to give out so much. I'm probably scared. I just don't want to change anything. And sometimes I hate that you seem to be the harbringer of change.
Faithful Butterfly
"Long shot I know.. But might you be interested in lunch? I'm about to head in, I've got an interview at 2.30"
"Will we have anything to talk about?"
"I'll even let you pick whatever you want to talk about. I'm willing to find things to talk about if need be, but I think we can manage"
"why thank you for your permission. What time were you planning to get in by? I brought my own lunch today."
"I hope before one. I didn't mean for that message to sound like me giving permission, sorry"
"Probably not. I have a report deadline today and I'm too tired to make polite conversation"
"Ok then. Sorry again. For, well... Everything. Just one extremly large sorry"
Yeh, whatever.
Two hours later:
"If you change your mind and want to say hi, even for five minutes, I'll be in the park next to the station for a while"
No thank you.
Don't want to get back into that state of mind where I sit and wait for him to make his move. I'm tired of all the inconsistencies, the insecurity and the arrogance.
I thought for a little while about meeting him. It would be interesting to see where the dynamics lie between us. But I think it was an honest statement - I'm too tired to make polite conversation. If I still don't want any contact with him online, why would I want to meet him in person? What would that achieve? Nothing.
I have a boyfriend already. Someone who loves and adores me. Why should I jeopardise that - if in fact that is possible - by meeting an ex? By opening the door to being potentially tempted again by things that just aren't good for me?
Hopefully, if anything this little episode will just make me want my boyfriend more.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
We drive tonight,
And you are by my side.
We're talking about our lives,
Like we've known each other forever.
The time flies by,
With the sound of your voice.
Its close to paradise,
With the end surely near.
And if I could only stop the car
And hold onto you,
And never let go (and never let go)
I'll never let go (I'll never let go)
As we round the corner
To your house
You turned to me and said,
"I'll be going through withdrawl of you
For this one night we have spent."
And, I want to speak these words
But I guess I'll just bite my tongue,
And accept "someday, somehow"
As the words that we'll hang from.
And I (I..), I don't want to speak these words.
Cause I (cause I..), I don't want to make things any worse.
And I (I..), I don't want to speak these words.
Cause I (cause I..), I don't want to make things any worse.
Why does tonight, have to end?
Why don't we hit restart,
And pause it at our favorite parts.
We'll skip the goodbyes.
If I had it my way,
I'd turn the car around and runaway,
Just you and I.
And I (I..), I don't want to speak these words.
Cause I (cause I..), I don't want to make things any worse.
And I (I..), I don't want to speak these words
Cause I, I don't want to make things
And I, I don't want to make things any worse
Matchbook Romance - Tiger Lily
Imagining Butterfly
"It's a good thing you asked[to have dinner], otherwise I would never have asked again" he says to me.
After taking me to the opera and not even getting a kiss goodnight in return, if a few days later I hadn't asked to have dinner with him, it's possible that we would never have gotten together.
How different would that be? To not be loved by him?
How is life different these days having him in my life? Mum said to me this morning, you know, this family doesn't know anything about your boyfriend. i.e. they don't know what kind of person he is.
I know how to fix this problem. But to be honest, I can't help but be a little scared about it all. We agreed on Sunday that both of us aren't at a stage to fully commit to each other - which I accept. At the same time, I know how reassuring it would be for mum to know and trust someone to look after me, other than her. To have someone she will approve of. Or at the very least understand. Not knowing his motives regarding me is perhaps part of the worries that she harbours against him.
I guess all that it really takes is time.
Got a report deadline due this evening. Best to get back to it. Will think and return here later.
Returning Butterfly
Listening to Dashboard Confessional. Am reminded of the spring afternoons when I'd have Dashboard playing while struggling to write my thesis.
Lots happened this week. Many, many dramas. But nothing I want to go into here.
Haven't really had lots of sleep lately (my lust is to blame)
Cousin went home yesterday evening.
Am sitting at work with sleep on my mind. My eyelids are drooping as I type...
On the relationship front:
Every time I look at you
The world just melts away
All my troubles all my fears
Dissolve in your affections
You've seen me at my weakest
But you take me as I am
And when I fall you offer me
A softer place to land
You stay the course you hold the line
You keep it all together
You're the one true thing
I know I can believe in
You're all the things that I desire,
You save me, you complete me
You're the one true thing
I know I can believe
I get mad so easy but you
Give me room to breathe
No matter what I say or do
'Cause you're to good to fight about it
Even when I have to push
Just to see how far you'll go
You wont stoop down to battle
But you never turn to go
Your love is just the antidote
When nothing else will cure me
There are times I cant decide
When I cant tell up from down
You make me feel less crazy
When otherwise I'd drown
But you pick me up and brush me off
And tell me I'm OK
Sometimes that's just what we need
To get us through the day
Sarah McLachlan ~ Push
One sms this morning: Love. Forever.
