Explaining Butterfly
my explanation to my cousin:in his mind, being an adult and being in an adult relationship includes the ability to stay over whenever i choose rather than when mum allows.
i guess i just want to be irresponsible and not have to explain and reassure mum when i want to do things.
if i personally didn't want to stay over, i would standfast and say no. but obviously this is not the case.
but when i see how much work needs to be done before i can do what i want (like stay over) and i see how he wants this more than i do because this is something he's used to, it makes me wonder if i am doing this for the right reasons, and if it is worth it.
i essentially originally let him go last night, but when he started talking to me about how i was unwilling to change or compromise i wondered if maybe i was being too scared or stubborn. and perhaps this is an opportunity to get rid of the idea that i am not allowed to do what i want - because really i am. it's just that i always think mum won't let me. so maybe it's something in my head. and not the reality. and i thought i should give myself a chance. because i do love him.
but when i woke up this morning, when i saw clearly how much work is ahead of me in order to get what i want, i wonder if i made the right decision. especially when i can't be totally honest with him over this. his perception is that i'm not an adult. and i have never taken responsibility for my choices - i have always included mum in the equation (by telling him so, rather than letting him thinik it was my decision only) and that is my wrong. there are some things that just can't be said/told.
i agree with you that love shouldn't necessarily come with rewards. you simply love. but i can't blame him for voicing his wants to me either. he's just being honest. but if the consequence of me saying that i can't give him what he wants right now means that he will go, i don't want that either. he tells me that the basis of a relationship is compromise and that he has compromised whereas i have done nothing. he tells me that if I keep on going this way, I will never change. and that thought scares me also that i might turn into a stubborn woman who will one day regret letting go of something that was good. i know he loves me, which is more than i believe people can say of others - although i could be wrong. i believe that i am lucky to be here.
at the same time, knowing that there are limits that cannot be passed with him doesn't make me feel any happier when i realise that i've been so scared about this and I haven't really been mature enough to handle this relationship properly to explain my situation to him acurately to the point where right now i dont' even want to explain, and i don't think he wants to listen anymore.
as advised by cousin: seems you know what going to do, then do what you think is right. you are an adult!
..do I really know though? ..really? or perhaps I'm thinking too much like she thinks I am.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 3:36 pm
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