Reaping Butterfly
So you won the game. Technically I also won because I reap the benefits of my decision. I am allowed to do whatever I want.Although according to my mother it wasn't worth her heartache.
All I feel sometimes is the tugging. Her tugging at my heartstrings, using emotional blackmail to keep me by her side.
Perhaps I didn't do a good job in managing this situation.
I know that I am a scaredy-cat. That my fears always manifest in the worst possible ways leading to people getting hurt on the way side.
Either way her parting words today before leaving were, 'You are an adult now. I'm letting you go. You walk your own road. I will no longer hold your hand and protect you from the wind and rain. You're on your own. Be adult. Think of others. Don't be selfish.'
When she said those words to me, I involuntarily thought to myself, 'it was me trying to think of others that got me in this situation in the first place.'
All my life, all I've ever thought about is you. What makes you happy. What can I do to balance? How much can I sacrifice for you? While yes, it has not stopped me from getting what I wanted most of the time, the fact that the thought constantly went through my mind and was continually in the back of my head, 'how will mum react to this?' has held me back for 22 years.
And now with my boyfriend giving me an ultimatum, suddenly I am forced to face reality. His running line is that I have to decide. I have to choose what is right for me. The only responsibility that I have to myself is to be happy. Because at the end of the day, that is all that matters. My mother just wants to see me happy. That is her ultimate desire. He just wants to see me happy.
And yet, for the past two months all I've felt is torn. Torn between family, tradition, and my own inner desires.
To go on holiday with my boyfriend. To spend the night at his house. To one day live with him.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 4:37 pm
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