Uncertain Butterfly
Did I do the right thing? I chose to stay. The compromise is that things remain the way they are for six months.I woke up this morning and wondered if perhaps I made the wrong decision.
I still don't know.
You tell me that you don't expect me to cave in to your all your requests and wants. I am allowed to say no to you. But of course what you don't point out is that sometimes if I say no to you, it means that you will leave.
You're interested in a serious relationship. A relationship that involves two people spending time together. Where you can go out late and stay over if either of us want to.
Why do I always still feel like I'm in the wrong?
You keep on pushing.
But honestly while I can sit back and rationalise why everything is most likely possible, I'm actually very scared of going through with it.
I know I have a lot of inner turmoil and that honestly I'm all messed up when it comes to stuff like this. But at the same time, if it's not going to be now, it's going to be some other time when this may well be the scenario. Would I be better equipped to deal with it then? Or if it's going to happen eventually, why not just let it happen now? Sort out once and for all what it is I want and leave it at that?
It would probably be safe to say that I'm scared to fight for you - in case I fight the wrong battle.
The disgust you voiced last night: 'You don't give me anything. You won't even give me some token."
Love isn't about rewards. I know that. But I also see your point. And I acknowledge why you say what you do. Although all point out that if you loved me as much as you claim to, you would wait.
Did we make the right decision?
I don't know.
Did I cave in?
Did I make the right decision?
This is just so stupid. If he won't accept the reality, if what he wants and needs is an adult relationship, and it's something that I can't give easily right now, then we should end it. Here and now. But I found myself half lying to him last night to keep him.
Do I really want this?
Honestly?
Why do I still harbour doubts?
Why am I so scared to fight for this?
What's so great about this? I'm 22. I have all the time in the world to find someone. Why can't I just let him go? And if he goes, then he goes, and so be it? Is it because he's the first man to treat me right - despite the fact that he refuses to see what's going here?
Why am I still here? Why do I risk this? Will I honestly regret this? Hell, will I regret not going through with this as well?
Am I just all full of bullshit?
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
Something has to change
Undeniable dilemma
Boredom's not a burden
Anyone should bear
Constant over stimulation numbs me
But I would not want you any other way
It's not enough
I need more
Nothing seems to satisfy
I don't want it
I just need it
To breathe, to feel, to know I'm alive
Finger deep within the borderline
Show me that you love me
And that we belong together
Relax, turn around and take my hand
I can help you change
Tired moments into pleasure
Say the word and we'll be
Well upon our way
Blend and balance
Pain and comfort
Deep within you
'til you will not want me any other way
It's not enough
I need more
Nothing seems to satisfy
I don't want it
I just need it
To breathe, to feel, to know I'm alive
Knuckle deep inside the borderline
This may hurt a little
But it's something you'll get used to
Relax, slip away
Something kinda sad about
The way that things have come to be
Desensitized to everything
What became of subtlety?
How can it mean anything to me
If I really don't feel anything at all?
I'll keep digging 'til
I feel something
Elbow deep inside the borderline
Show me that you love me
And that we belong together
Shoulder deep within the borderline
Relax, turn around and take my hand
Tool - Stinkfist
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 9:28 am
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