Tortured Butterfly
So yesterday didn't go well."Just throw this dog a bone."
I don't have any bones.
My mind's roiling around and I can't think of a single thing to alleviate the situation.
You want me to be honest. I don't know if I can. I love you, this isn't just some young infatuation. But when you ask me to integrate the two different parts of my life together - two that have always been seperate for 22 years, it is difficult.
You want positive reinforcement. I have none. You point out that all I tell you is in the negative. I can't do this, I can't do that. Or in your manner of viewing - I won't.
My cousin wants me to explain my situation to you properly. To be honest I don't know if I can. And the more I think about it, I realise that I don't want to. I can't bring myself to. The thought that you will jump down my throat and make me feel even more horrible says volumes also.
The more I think about it, the more I realise that probably I'm more messed up than the two of my ex's combined. And like all things in my life, I begin to see echoes of my own faults reflected in the actions of my last ex. And I want to pick his mind and see what it is that I missed. To see how I can improve.
The minute I shy away from explaining myself to you, I watch myself automatically jump ship. I contemplate the idea of leaving. Of going away. And the fact that you brought it up yesterday - when I told you that perhaps I'm not ready to handle this relationship - you petulantly tell me, "then you should never have agreed to it in the first place." Thanks for telling me.
I can't fight you. And even that is wrong, because you tell me, "but it hasn't left any lasting changes." i.e. just because I constantly feel like I am wrong hasn't changed anything. Hasn't affected anything to the point where it has become a problem.
I am having dinner with you tonight. What on earth am I going to say? I spent the morning on the train thinking about you. Trying to sort everything out. And suddenly I got so frustrated that I was half crying walking to work.
Be honest with you? I don't know where we're going. I don't know if I want you in my life ten years down the track. I went into this with the thought of just 'trying'. And suddenly it all got so serious.
I love you, I don't doubt that. At the same time, I don't know what to do. I can't blame you for wanting some answers.
It's only been three months. You're asking for commitment from me after three months - aren't you? And if you say no, then I'll be left in silence again.
I'm not strong.
The only way that I am strong, is in my adamancy that rejection is the best policy.
You tell me that you don't want me regretting my decisions. That you don't want me to regret breaking up with you and then ten years later blaming my mother.
You tell me that you're not fighting my mother. You're fighting me.
I've already started running.
I don't think you can stop me. And I'm sure that I'll philosophise myself into believing that the situation did not allow for me to love you properly.
So I'm emotionally still sixteen. And you will reassure me that there's nothing wrong with that.
On one hand I have my mother warning me against things telling me that I will regret making the decisions I make regarding you. On the other, I have you telling me that I will regret leaving you.
You tell me that there are two paths that I can take - the one with my family, or the one with you. And I stand there absolutely terrified to make either decision. I don't want to lose my family - which I know I may well do or at the very least hurt them more than I already have. Even though you tell me that I haven't.
You will leave me. I think part of the reason why I won't be honest with you is because the minute I am, I know you will leave. And I would rather it be me leaving than you. I want to be brave. I want to be adult. At the same time, I'm scared to.
Actions speak louder than words.
I think perhaps I am willing to sacrifice you. After all, who are you but just the boyfriend? Right? They all come and go. But family will stay forever. It seems to be the better choice to cultivate a love that I will always have to deal with, rather than spend/waste time on someone who will eventually leave.
I'm just trying to protect myself.
You tell me that you don't feel like a part of my life. You are. But what you have to realise is that there is two sides to my life. There's me at home, and there's me outside. I can't integrate the two. Or maybe I just won't. Because I've never had reason to. And it all seems so difficult.
Maybe deep down I hate myself, and I just don't want to be happy? Or is that someone else's excuse that I'm pilfering?
You tell me that it's also ok for me to not make a decision if I don't feel up to it. But it also means that there will be a consequence. You will leave me, I know it. I can't expect you to understand. And I don't think I will bother explaining myself to you.
I'm not the right girl for you. I'm not emotionally at the same stages as you. There's still much for me to learn and grow. And no matter that you'd be willing to be patient with me, I don't feel like I would be doing right by you.
Be honest with you? I can't. I'm scared.
Terrified.
You won't have sympathy with my situation because you feel that I'm not in a situation that I can't change.
It's funny the lengths we will go to in order to protect ourselves. I am probably willing to create a scenario for you that you've already half set up, in order to get you off my back, rather than be honest. It's like that whole host family thing all over again.
Am I really just in love with the idea of you? That someone your age could ever be interested in me? Would be willing to spend so much of their time with me? Are you just a symbol of all the things I'd like in my life?
How is it not the point that I'm not in the same place as you? Aren't I? I don't have the limitless boundaries that you have. Yet you point out that none of your boundaries are self-inflicted. Are my boundaries honestly self-inflicted? If I had all my boundaries broken, if I followed my life like you did, what would that achieve? I would regret it, wouldn't I? It would keep you, but nothing else. Do I honestly not love you enough? Is that what it is?
You have no sympathy for my boundaries. Are they honestly all self-inflicted?
Unorthodox relationship.
How much of the life I lead is not true? How much of it is falsity? How much of it is an illusion? Is the true me the dutiful daughter? Or is that the woman that you describe as passionate and full of potential?
I have no bones for you. All I can ask is for your faith in me. And running on empty like that isn't really enough, is it?
Why do you have to have all the answers now? Who am I to ask that question? To each their own.
You tell me that you stil have hope. All you need is a bone. But honestly, is it worth it for you to stay? I've told you constantly - nothing is going to change. And that is unacceptable to you. It won't be forever. But that's too vague for you. And according to you, you don't have me. You are at the bottom of my priorities list and your ego is too big to handle that. You dislike the idea that every part of my life has to be ok before I can contemplate spending time with you.
I want to point out that you don't have that problem. And you come back with you won't apologise for your life. I'm not asking you to. I guess I just want you to consider that when you point out to me that my life has priorities, that you don't have to deal with that.
Family needs me right now. More so than you. My career isn't exactly hammered into stone. I guess I just don't know how to handle this.
And logically then the argument is, if I can't handle it, I shouldn't be here.
If you still can't understand, then perhaps it's best for all concerned that I just let you go. But who would've thought that letting go would be so hard to do?
Do I honestly really want to let you go?
Is my pride or whatever really worth it to sacrifice you?
Why should I have to give up all this stuff when you don't have to? Is that really a compromise? or is it really like you say - all in a mindset with nothing set in reality?
Some food for thought, today's forecast:
Get more sleep. Seriously. If you are already getting plenty, get some more. If you are finding it hard to sleep, reassure yourself. Let go of whatever is upsetting you, no matter how urgent or intense it seems. Leave it, just for a while. Put it down, even if you know that you must pick it up again soon. A break is essential. You can afford to take one. Indeed, you can't afford NOT to have one. Perspective will bring clarity. Clarity will bring a solution.I hope so.
Can I just raincheck this? All of this? Or would that be unreasonable?
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 9:00 am
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