Surprising Butterfly
Sometimes I wish I didn't know that certain people read this blog. Sometimes I forget that other people read it, and just treat it as a place to exorcise my demons, my inner tumultuous thoughts.I'm pregnant. I freaked out when the doctor told me. Tears immediately came to my eyes, and I sat there in the doctor's surgery, totally still.
I proceeded to go to the pub and when asked by my boyfriend what I wanted to drink, I looked up and said, "is alcohol out of the question?" He laughed and got me a vodka and cranberry.
So technically I'm a mother. That's freaking me out to no end. I ended up eating my steak, my chips, my salad, and a quarter of my boyfriend's steak. I feel bloated. There's a heaviness in my stomach.
At least now I know why my breasts ache the way they do. And why I've been going to the toilet so often lately.
Honestly, I'm freaking out. I'm pregnant. The surprised look on his face when I told him. I never expected this. Yes, there was always a chance that I could conceive. But the fact that he'd said in passing that he was probably shooting blanks anyway, and the fact that a person always feels invincible until they are brought down, is all the more prominent right now.
I'm pregnant. Looking at the words, they don't seem to even apply to me. How can they?
Can you blame me for not wanting it? I have my whole life to live. Talk about a way to end the last day of being 22. Or even a way to mark the beginning of 23. Technically, I think that this is a great way time to be pregnant. If you were so inclined. You're young, the complications should be minor. You have all the time in the world to teach the child to grow up right.
But to be honest, I'm not ready. I would be bringing a child into the world and it would be totally unfair. He will respect my decision. I am so grateful that we had a conversation about all of this before this happened. And I think that he is also grateful that I came out and told him - even if it was point blank.
Better than hiding or whatever. So I have to get an ultrasound done to double check everything. To see how far along I am before I make my decision. This is going to be a traumatic week for me.
I can't be a mother. Call me selfish, but I seriously can't. Bring down your wrath, but I can't do this. I'm not ready.
And while he consoles me and tells me that it's alright, and says sorry, I know that it's not entirely his fault. I know that. But I haven't said it to him. I'm in too much shock to be able to.
My stomach is full of too much steak, salad and chips. And it's making me feel heavy in the stomach, a constant reminder of my ill-fated news today.
And the family is home. I can't tell them. I have to put up a brave face. I have to grit my teeth. The worse thing is I can't share it with anyone. It's my own burden to bear. And while my boyfriend points out to me that it's got nothing to do with them, it's only got to do with the two of us, I can't help but feel a bit helpless. I have a tendency to want to share. To talk to people. And I can't do that. I wonder if my conscience, my ingrained honesty will one day come out and I will find myself compelled to tell my mother about this.
I honestly never thought/believed I would be in this position. I never imagined that I would need to make this decision. Theoretically I had it all worked out. But now that I get a chance to follow through with it - it freaks me out. Whereas once I could honestly say without a doubt that I was clean, or whatever, now I have this black mark against my what will soon be past. I will have Past.
Tomorrow's my 23rd birthday.
Talk about surprises.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 8:57 pm
2 Comments:
Found your blog from Globe of Blogs. Be strong. May God strengthen your heart. And happy birthday to you :)
Hi Butterfly:
Congrats on being a mother! Hang in there and things will pull through...
Best Birthday Wishes to U!! =)
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