Sore Butterfly
For better or worse, it's done. Four days after finding out unwanted news, I've had it all settled out.My insides feel like they've been scraped out. It feels raw in there. And it's kinda like cramps, and it's kinda not.
It's been a busy, tiring, stressful week.
I broke down before I went in for the operation. After listening to all the potential complications I suddenly got scared. And felt very nervous about the entire procedure. A nurse walked by, came in and asked if I was ok. Ever the stoic one, I tried my best to put on a brave face and nodded emphatically twice. But she came up to me, knelt down and talked to me. And suddenly I blurted out how scared I was.
She consoled me telling me that the wait must've been horrible. "It's all the waiting that's making it worse. You've been waiting a long time" (I'd been there for about close to an hour and a half by then). While in my head, I wryly thought, "I've been waiting since Monday". But I wasn't about to tell her that.
And while she questioned whether I really wanted to go through the procedure or not, seeing my emotional state, I continued to tell her yes. It wasn't so much conviction or stubborness that made me say yes. I just knew that yes was the only option.
I had my first bout of real morning sickness this morning. And I couldn't stand it. I threw up on the train. I felt so bad for my fellow commuters. I couldn't hold it in. I tried so valiantly and gave up on the last stop before my station. I knew I wouldn't be able to hide it from my mother for the next two days.
And when faced with decisions like these, I'd honestly prefer to have everything sorted out now, rather than later. The sooner the better.
I was with professionals though. It cost quite a bit, but they were so professional, comforting and nice. Reassured you every step of the way. They must see so many females in that clinic. And it must be so obvious to them that some of us turn into absolute wrecks. I don't know if I'll ever be able to face motherhood now that I've had a taste of it - even if it's only been for four days. Perhaps it's different when you're allowed to celebrate it. When everyone knows. It becomes something good. Something to be proud of. But when these pregnancies come at a time that is unsuitable, the reactions aren't the same.
I am sorry for the potential child to be, that it could not come at a more fortuitous time. I am sorry to my boyfriend, who when pushed told me that he would love to have children, and that the question wasn't so much if he was ready to be a father, but rather, that now is as good a time as any for him to be one. And he would grow into it. The important thing for him was whether it would be a good time for both of us. And he knows that I'm not ready. He accepts that there are multitudes of reasons for us not to keep it. But I can't help but feel a strange sense of loss and sadness that I cannot give this to him. I cannot give him a child, or in this case, this child.
When the doctor asked me today why I wouldn't keep the child, and prompted me with answers, 'you're not ready? emotionally? physicaly? financially? your career?' I had to laugh. My answer was all of them, and probably a whole lot more. And it's true. Call me selfish, but honestly right now is not the time for me to fall pregnant. It's so not. My career is just getting on the tracks. I have only just fought and won my freedom. The relationship is only in its beginning stages. 4 months. Who knows where it will end, or how far it will go? And there's no way I'd be willing to be a single mother. Financially I can't even support myself if I chose to live out on my own.
As I was walking to the clinic though, I realised perhaps I should've gotten him to pay for half the operation. He had asked if I wanted him to contribute. But I always feel awkward asking for money. I would've preferred if he'd insisted. Or if he'd brought it up. I don't feel right saying yes all the time. But I also know that he is not that type of guy. I know that he would prefer that I would be upfront with him. If I want him to pay half, and he's willing, he'll bring it up, and all I have to do is say yes please. But I seem to have a small moral aversion to it. Sure, sometimes I'll let him. But there are other times when I don't want him to misconstrue the situation. He probably never will. But I seem to have a little paranoia bone in my body that seeks to find the flaws in my character. I don't want him to turn around one day and say to me, 'I did this for you, I paid this for you." I guess I'm just trying to ensure that I won't be emotionally blackmailed by him or anyone one day.
And anyway, to his credit, perhaps he also realised that he should've helped pay for the procedure. After all, he had his part to play in the whole fiasco. But here I am forking out the money and suffering the consequences. All he has to do is sit back and wait for it all to be resolved. So the opera tickets that we were originally going to go dutch on, he told me that he'd pay for both of us. So perhaps that is the unspoken agreement between us.
I guess I just don't want to look petty. And I have money issues to boot.
It's sad that I can't really speak to anyone about it.
I told one of the girls I used to work with about our relationship yesterday. Her first response was, "what the-?" I laughed and responded with, "yeh, shocking news eh?" To which she replied, "no, not shocking. I couldn't wish for two more lovely people to get together." And while she followed her response with asking if dating my boyfriend was any different to the way he is as a guy in normal situations, I still believe that she was shocked. But either way, it felt good to tell her. To let it out in the open. And I'm pretty sure (as much as I would probably like to deny it) that just about everyone in the department knows. In fact, while my boss hasn't said anything to my face, the fact that she voiced her suspicions to us, to the point where I got offended and clammed up, is enough to confirm for my boyfriend that she knows.
Either way, I'm in a relationship. One that I hope will remain stable and loving. He tells me that he loves me. I feel so safe in his arms. I love spending time with him. I hope he never falls out of love for me. And I in turn, hope I never stray. He brings a sense of reassurance to my life and fills a void that I needed to be filled.
I spent the night at his house on Wednesday night, and the plan is to stay over on Monday and Friday night. We're planning to spend two nights just bingeing out watching DVDs.
I love him to pieces. And I hope it remains that way.
Things can only get better from hereon out eh?
I hope so.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 9:12 pm
1 Comments:
I'm sure it wasn't easy to come to that decision but what matters most is that it is your own decision.
While we do not know what the future holds, we can always hope for the better. But naturally it will be better.
Cheers!
Zan
Post a Comment
<< Home