Young Butterfly
So for once sleeping didn't stop the problem. I am a stupid stupid fool. Given the chance to do what I wanted, I still somehow managed to stuff everything up.I went home on the trains last night, got home by 1. Boyfriend incensed, felt that I had led him on.
In my wallowing of own stupidity I managed to antagonise my mother this morning and now she's raving crazy in the lounge room.
How can a person be given the perfect opportunity to do what they want, and *still* stuff up?
She asks what is she needs for her to do. Honestly there's nothing. It's just my own mindset that's stuffed. Some stupid chemical in my brain which says 'try your best to do right by her, even though she gave you free rein.' And you do it. And then realise that you made the wrong decision. Because you're just going over the same patterns from before. And your boyfriend brusquely kisses you goodbye on the train station at midnight twenty minutes before the train arrives, and leaves.
Standing alone at the train station you realise that you've just gone ahead and proved with actions that you're not making him a priority. In fact, you didn't even make your safety a priority. And the longer the evening goes, the more you realise this, as you sit in your train carriage, huddled around your handbag, as you walk up the steps to the ticket barriers at your train station in the cold, as you get into a taxi and surreptitiously count your change. You're an idiot.
Speaking contritely to the boyfriend once you get home you get reprimanded with 'I want an equal. I want an adult relationship. You're not acting like an adult.' No, you're right. I'm acting like a child.
'You have to realise that you are not the centre of the universe. You are not to blame for everyone else's problems.'
'the more things go on, the more you say certain things, and the more you do certain things, the more my belief that you are scared of life is emphasized. I don't believe that's anyway to live. I certainly don't want to live my life that way.'
And suddenly I'm a little girl in a big person's relationship. Vainly scrabbling for a foothold. Scared of what consequences may bring, trying to placate people, and again realising that I've fallen into the trap. Not everyone can be happy. And I'm trying in the wrong ways to keep them happy.
Yes, the most important step is to make myself happy. But right now, I'm not happy. I've been grumpy for the last three days quietly freaking out over whether I was expected to stay overnight or not, and believing in my head that it was too soon. The killer was that I didn't tell him. I got scared. I told myself that I'd decide on the night, and then when the opportunity came and went, I still didn't tell him until we were buying tickets to go home.
So much for saying last Sunday night that I could be myself around him. My cousin tells me not to escape. Not to give this up. But it's hard when my first instinct is to run. I'm such a coward.
And now when I'm at home, all I can do is berate myself for my stupidity and to add even more fuel to the fire, I took it out on mum, who broke down and screamed at me that I'd already won and that she didn't want to play anymore. Followed by which she's been crying over what else she can do, because everything she does is wrong. And suddenly while the gates were open I fear that they will swing shut soon. And all because I was too scared to run while they were open.
And those words of his continue to haunt me. That maybe I'm just a kid in this relationship. And obviously it's not what he wants. He wants an adult relationship. And I'm so not adult. The fact that I took my own stupidity out on my mother proves that I'm a stupid young girl. Who somehow ends up hurting everyone despite her best intentions not to.
And the irony is that he would've driven me home this morning if I'd stay. I'm so stupid.
Moments like these, I wonder why I'm even here. I've fought too hard and long to not be here. But somehow I'm too stupid and scared to reap the rewards. I'm not willing to take the risk to get the reward. Even when the risk may well be small and the reward oh so big.
I'm such a coward. Such an idiot. And of course if he ever read this, he'd be telling me that I was just going into victim mode talk. Yeh, so what if I am?
I'm desperate for sympathy that I can't get. And while he points out that I'm luckier than some because I can change, it also means that I get no sympathy because it's my choice not to change. The sun's shining brightly this morning, mocking my decisions and actions towards the people that I care about.
I am such an idiot. How can anyone manage to ruin the perfect scenario?
Moi.
With a few well placed words and scornful looks.
There was silence on that train going to Central last night, and I wonder if he took that as another example of me clamming up.
And when he tells me that in an adult relationship dates are expected to end with one person spending the evening at someone else's house? I never knew that. He pointed out to me that it was the norm, not the exception. I don't know how to deal with this news.
Either way, I've just wet my feet, I sms'd him to tell him I changed my mind about Wednesday night, and will spend the night. On a worknight. I have no idea if I've done the right thing or not. In my mother's books I've done wrong. And maybe logically it was too impetuous a decision. But if I don't cave in now, if I don't acquiesce, he goes, right? I don't want him to go. Or do I? There were moments last night when I didn't even know anymore. When I somehow wished that it would all go away. Is this love honestly worth it?
My work career is partly in tatters over him, because I didn't handle it well. Because I've become petty. I'm dating a guy who isn't well liked in the company. And obviously they believe (and are probably correct in some way) that he is influencing me in a bad way. And their judgement leads me to ignore them - which is never a good move in an office environment.
My family life is all a-tumble because I couldn't handle that well either. The fact that the doors might clang shut again and my mother stop being civil to me, scares me.
How could I turn a blue sky black so quickly? What kind of idiot am I?
Tell me, *is* this love honestly worth it?
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 10:01 am
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