Psyching Butterfly
I am preparing myself for the worst. In some ways I'm probably welcoming the idea of us breaking up in a masochistic way. It's easier for me to hide and never feel hurt and rejection. Block myself up and never let my heart feel.It's not a matter of what I want, it's a matter of what you want, you tell me.
I thought we worked to compromise in a relationship.
I knew the day would come when you would decide that you couldn't hack it.
So much for true love.
If I can't give you what you want, do you truly want to leave? If you want it, I'll let you go. I'll be absolutely miserable, but I'll let you go. Because there's nothing else I can do. It's always about you. You never understand me and what it is I go through. And you stubbornly want me to do it your way or the highway. I don't think you've really met stubborn me before. But if you have it your way you may never need to know her. Because you will have made it so that you'll never need to be able to see it. You'll be long gone.
Thank you so much for the sweet memories. I will cherish them forever.
What on earth made you change your mind anyway? One minute your msging me with 'love. forever.' The next, you're telling me that it is unacceptable for us to wait 2 years for a normal relationship, and that if I can't be my own individual before then, then you need to go. And if you need to go, then why the hell is it up to me?
You're so selfish. You're a jerk. You don't really love me, do you? Why are you putting me through this?
I guess it doesn't really matter all that much why you're putting me through this. The important thing is that it's happening right now.
I don't even know if I want to fight you. Maybe I'll just turn up tomorrow, listen to all that you have to say and then just end it. Without an explanation. Just end it.
And everyone will be happy again. And then I will start applying for other jobs, and maybe you'll end up like my ex, and I will refuse to acknowledge your existence, and I will never hold another conversation with you again, no matter how much we get along and could be friends. Because there will be no point in us being together.
I cried myself to sleep last night to the point where I was hoarse this morning.
The fact that you questioned my love for you last night and said that this could all just be a young infatuation combined with an insatiable lust for you, and that I was more in love with the idea of you rather than you, yourself hurts. But honestly, how do you, how can you, truly define love in the first place?
You tell me that I'll regret leaving you. Right now you're not exactly giving me much of a choice.
I don't know what to do or say anymore to placate you. Maybe it's time I just fronted and was honest with you. Give it the last hurrah.
You don't love me, not really. My cousin reckons it's you who has the lust factor going on not me. You don't really love me. You just lust after me.
You point out that when you were my age you fell in and out of love in five minutes.
You tell me that age is not the problem. But I tell you - it is. You've had your fun. You've been around the block. Why on earth are you tying me down? Why do I have to prove my faith and love for you when you've already tried everything? It's not fair.
I can't wish that we'd never gone out together. You've made me so happy. Even my cousin pointed out you could see how happy I was the minute I was with him. It was a genuine happiness that emanated from the heart. We truly do enjoy each other's company.
What do you want me to do? Because if you leave, no matter whose fault it becomes, I will punish you. I will leave the company. I will erase myself from your life, and most likely you will never hear from me. You tell me that I'll regret it. But honestly I want you to wake up one day and be the one who regrets it. Although knowing you, most likely you will not. You will tell yourself that you found the woman that you have been searching for - but she didn't want me, no matter what I tried, and you will move on. You may grow old single in your bachelorhood, but you will never come back to find me.
I think that if you leave my life, I won't apply for that graduate program and become an ambassador. Most likely I will simply leave the country and perhaps attempt to restart a life overseas - maybe even take up your suggestion, and go and live with my cousin. It wouldn't be such a bad life.
You're so full of contradictions, you know?
Perhaps the only thing I have to do tomorrow is stand firm to my convictions. And not be swayed by you. Because you so often make it out like you are right, and I am wrong - even when it is in fact the opposite.
When you take a step back I've never really fought you. Always accepted things and done everything you wanted. You get your way with me about everything. I've never really ever said no to you.
What exactly do you hope to achieve with this pot stirring anyway? Do you honestly want out? Out of the blue have you just decided that you want to know how deep my love for you goes? And if it's not as deep as you want or hoped, do you plan to just dump me by the wayside?
I'm just all confused and tied up inside.
It's midnight. If I'm going to do all this driving, I better go to bed. Have to wake up at 8am tomorrow morning.
Wish me luck.
Baby, I love you so much. I need you so badly. You make me feel so invincible. You bring me happiness and joy. You make me feel loved.
If you leave me, it's not that I will shrivel and die. But at the very least you will take away a part of me that I don't really want gone. Perhaps that part of me that is loved by you was never really mine to begin with. Perhaps it was yours to give and take, and I have no power over it. But honestly my love, do you seriously want to leave me? If I tell you that this family needs me more than you need me, and that that won't stop me from loving you and going out with you - will you honestly leave me? If I can't go on holidays and spend weekends at your house, will you honestly leave me? If so, is that truly defined as love?
What is a 'normal' relationship anyway? Normal is, as normal does. It's all relative.
Yes you're not perfect. But honestly am I worth that little to you that you can just throw me away like that? Are your principles so strong on this matter that you're willing to keep away and love me from afar? Because I tell you now you will never be allowed to love me from afar. I will never allow it.
I will flee the country before I will ever forgive you. And like my ex, I will never hold another conversation with you again. We will be two polite strangers. And that is all.
A 'real' relationship that lasted for three months.
I knew you couldn't hack it. I always knew. Why do you think I kept on pushing you away? And you kept on coming back. Telling me that it wasn't my decision to make.
I need to sleep before I tear myself apart.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 12:24 am
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