At the Edge of the Abyss

Weakening Butterfly

Things are slowly changing. Ever so slowly, the line is moving. And I am starting to accept you. I think you know it too. But the official line is that I feel nothing for you. And I think we'll keep to that for now, although after this afternoon...

You gave me such a sweet surprise coming in to see me. And the talk that we had was very fruitful for me. I'm sure you found it so as well. The fact that you mentioned that you were surprised at the intensity of your feelings, and that you were fighting against everything because you wanted to spend all your time with me, made me feel reassured that you were genuine. It also settled me in a way. I think we're on the same wavelength on this.

And you promised me that you I can trust you. And I do. If this is a setup for you promising me the world, then so be it. But I trust you.

And I no longer bat an eyelid at your comment that you just want to see me happy. I believe it. I'm gullible and naieve and oh so clueless, but I believe you. I just hope that you mean everything you say. Because my bitterness is waiting in the wings should you make a false step.

And in the meantime, I'm talking online to my 2nd ex. And the way he talks just reminds me that what I'm currently doing is the right thing. Indifference, peppered with coolness despite your underlying 'caring' nature. Yeh, whatever. You lost me. End of story. And despite you asking me if this one is ok, I'll take your suggestion and just tell you to butt out, because it's not your place to ask anymore. I want you to realise what you have lost, and that I will no longer come to you for advice. I've found someone who's genuinely interested in me. Who cares. Who will crazily drive half an hour to see me, because he broke down and couldn't stand not seeing me for one more day.

I have no idea where this potential relationship will go. I just know that I will go about this slowly, and I will trust you to take me along the right path. And I dearly hope that my ex will no longer lead me astray. I don't want to fall back into that hole. Been there, done that.

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 10:29 pm 0 comments

Confusing Butterfly

I don't want to sound like a broken record.

I know that there is nothing that you can do to help me, that it's all up to me.

I know that I am tempermental.

I know that I have mood swings. Major mood swings.

I know that I want to try with you, if only because I know that you will give me the time of my life.You can disarm me with a touch.A single touch sends shivers through me like nothing I've ever experienced before. You seem to find all the right places like you knew they were there to begin with.

It's not that we're fighting, it's just that I see the dynamic between us shift and grow and change.

I'm scared.

Am I really scared?

Last night I slept with you. Three times. I don't know what that means.

I've never done this before.

You told me tonight that I have the same effect on you. You told me that you see how I sometimes like you despite my not wanting to, that I can't seem to have any control of my actions.

You told me that you liked everything about me. That there was nothing of me that you didn't like.

Maybe I'm still in shock.

And in some ways, yesterday came too quickly.

Sometimes, I don't really know how to be a girl. I let you off too easily.My threshold is too large. And then when I realise I've let you off the hook on something that perhaps I shouldn't have, then I manufacture the angst in order to even the score. Except of course, that we know that's cheating. and it messes stuff up.How can you like me so much?I remember watching 'a mirror with two faces' and one of the actors commenting that he dated girls younger him than twice his age, not because of their intellect, but because of their physical attributes. I guess that line stuck with me, and I can't seem to comprehend why or how I manage to get hold of you.

I can't imagine what my friends will say when they meet you - should they meet you.

You are not physically attractive. In any sense. You are slightly overweight, you are 34, you are a man. You're balding for crying out loud. Why am I there with you? Why am I here with you?I'm young, in the prime of my life, why am I here? Because no one else recognises my potential? No one sees and treats me the way you do? That's not really a fair way to deal with this though, is it?And while your answer is correct, that you will accept my decision (to keep you or not) either way, it strangely doesn't put me at ease.I berate myself for throwing myself at you, especially when I can't give you the right answers. And you ask me why, because you are constantly throwing yourself at me.

Tell me - what are we doing with ourselves?

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 10:27 pm 0 comments

Pondering Butterfly

Sometimes things get complicated so quickly it's hard to keep track of the changes.

There are surreal moments where you don't realise what is going on until after it has happened. Situations where you'd never believe that you would ever, *ever* be in that situation, and then suddenly you're there and experiencing it all. And part of your mind wonders if this is in fact real, if what you are experiencing is actually happening to you.

Last night was like that.

Does it change anything? I don't know. Does it complicate things? Maybe.

To be honest, I don't really know what I feel about him. This one has so many strikes against him - the worst being, how much interest do I really have in him? How much is just flattery that he would be interested - a grown man - as opposed to anything that I myself feel? Crushes come and go, and I've never had a single crush that came out into something real on the other side. Yet here we are.

And like my cousin surmised, you really are genuine and serious about this. You said yourself that if this was going to fall - it wasn't going to be on account of you. If anyone was going to break anyone's heart, it was going to be me breaking yours. I'm fairly certain that is true.

Yet when I look inside myself to find that part of me that says whether I like you or not - I can't find it. Like we discussed last night, we would never have picked it - us, to ever be interested in each other.

You tell me that you grew a sudden fondness for me that progressed over time. That you had always thought that I was pretty. And perhaps you had always assumed that I was shy and quiet. Yet I surprised you when I came in day after day, and you began to find that you in fact, liked me. I got the distinct feeling that you were falling for me. You said to me last night that you never expected to feel this way again. To feel head over heels. And that the emotion surprised you by it's intensity.

And when you ask me what I think and feel about you - I can't respond in kind. Maybe I've been so thrashed by the last one that I'm just about all bleached out. I'm empty inside. And when you offer me this, I'll take it, if only to remember what it feels like to be alive.

But I dare not tell you all these truths. You joke about the "little girl inside" but I get the feeling that it's probably more true than not. That deep inside you really are just a vulnerable, insecure little boy covered up in layers of age, experience and cynicsm. Your gentlemanly calm exterior belies the inner turmoil of a boy afraid of rejection, but old enough to accept things as they come.

We have progressed further and faster than we ever anticipated. And I will see you again today to go to that music concert. Maybe this will cement what it will be like between us. I'm not sure. Family is not happy - as per usual. If my mother had it her way I'd be locked up in this house until I was 30. And then shunted off into a marriage where she'd be living with us. *shakes head* So many things that I want to do are met with barriers imposed by family, upbringing, culture and tradition. And in doing so, some of those things become ingrained in me, making it difficult for me to go about my life, when I have to fight not only the family and it's restrictions, but also the conflict found in my own inner turmoil. ...does that sentence even make sense?

Maybe part of the issues surrounding last night and our current situation is that I'm still in shock. Why would anyone of your age be interested in me? What do I really bring to the table other than my physical attributes? I know I can hold intelligent conversation, but really now, surely a 12 year gap has its limits? Maybe it's just the shock of having someone interested that you never in a thousand years believed they would be. And in doing so, while once you were settled into believing that no matter what you did or thought, that you were safe from 'harm', suddenly it isn't the case at all. And that's what's so shocking and suprising. ...and I guess it isn't helped when I've just come out of six months of emotional angst.

I guess you offer some calm comfort from the storm. I dare say that I'm high maintenance, but I also acknowledge that you've done everything right so far, and I see no reason to make demands on you - because you meet them all before I've even laid down the foundations.

I don't really know what to do or where to go on all of this. I've been trying to turn this situation around in my head, checking it for flaws, and trying to find all its secrets, just like a jeweller inspecting a diamond in the light. Turning it this way and that, trying to understand what he has in his possession.

...Or maybe it's all down to just one word: try.

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 10:34 am 1 comments

Lobbying Butterfly

Sometimes it's funny how things go. How things come together, and how things fall apart.

The second ex is officially the second ex.

And the next one moves up on the line.

So many things work against you. The biggest being work. There are issues with us that surpass so much. The age, perhaps not so much. But the biggest is work. Professional versus Personal. You are senior to me, and the work team will raise eyebrows, I can guarantee you.

I don't know why I am considering you. You are in fact quite sweet, more sweet than I ever imagined. You whisper such sweet nothings to me. Your kisses melt me and send butterfly after butterfly down the abyss. Your touch makes those butterflies resurface and generate such heat and electricty between us. How does that work? If I don't find you physically attractive, then how can you move such tension and physical arousal in me? And it's not even to jump you. It's simply that thosekisses send tendrils of desire through my veins. Yesterday when you kissed me, it sent me into a paroxysm of shivers. Twice.

Will January 26 officially become the day this all began? Your sms tonight, your official condonement of us, and admission to allowing me to break your heart, makes me smile. And I guess you are old enough to handle me. More than handle me. I doubt I have the ability to mess with your head. So that's good for me. And while you sounded surprised this evening when I said that part of your appeal was that I felt you were stable, I can't help but feel that is true. Like you said the other day, if only in jest, you are normal to my complex and complicated nature.

I admit to overthinking. I admit to over analysing. I amit to it all. I can't change any of it. And while I don't want to drag you along in any means, perhaps I should just heed my cousin's advice and just 'try'. Mum's not 100% thrilled about it - understandably. I'm risking a lot, after only just starting out my career at work.

But I can't explain this initricable feeling that you bring up inside me. It's not even desire half the time. It's not love. It's not even care. We have known each other for quite a while. We get along. We do. We always have. We joke, back and forth and never stop. So being around you is totally comfortable.

Surprisngly though you said to me this evening that I was beautiful. And that you had never noticed it before. You seemed a bit surprised. You ended up surmising that it was probably because you'd always just seen me as someone you worked with, and the context always changes things.

I can still sit back and settle, and go, 'you don't attract me physically'. But you are a nice guy. And you treat me so well. And you kiss so well that you distract me and send all my thoughts off into the ether to dispell into the atmosphere.

You are in effect a kind of lifeboat. Something to hold my head up above the water as I faced the reality last night when the 2nd ex effectively told me that it wasn't going to work. So that relationship is over. The book is closed (or should be), and I hope that it remains so. I don't need any more complications on top of this. He's let me go, and hopefully he won't be selfish anymore, and just let me live my life.

So my work colleague and I are going to have dinner tomorrow night after celebrating a fellow workmate's birthday with drinks at the pub.

Meanwhile, I'm watching the last of Federah versus Safin. My god, this is what good tennis is all about. I was supposed to go to bed early tonight, but this game is keeping me up after midnight. It's amazing tennis...

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 12:16 pm 0 comments

Clueless Butterfly

A little lost and confused tonight. Would really like some advice. We all went out to drinks tonight. And of course, some dinner.

I've been flirting with you subtly all day trying to see if you'll bite. And sometimes I think you are interested. But then at the pub tonight, you seemed a bit withdrawn. I'm not sure if it was the company, after all you don't know everyone, or if you've realised/caught onto what I'm trying to suss out from you, and you're trying to tell me subtly what's going on.

I kinda asked and you kinda offered to drive me into work tomorrow, since we're both doing overtime on this report. I'm having bets that you'll cancel on me tomorrow morning because you'll stay out all night.

Again, you make the joke about driving you home - except this time round you use my mum as the driver. 'think your mum could drive me home?' Which tells me that you're just joking around. There's no underlying subliminal text I should keep my eyes peeled for.

Yet when you joke to me yesterday about how I told you I wanted to be an ambassador, and you're on your 'deep down i'm just a little girl routine' followed later by, 'wife to an ambassador' yeh.... I can't help but look at you askance.

And then there's still that thing that you said last time about wanting to talk to my brother about girls and manly stuff like that. Why do you want to have an influence on my life? Or are you just mucking around?

We know that you know that I know that you are a gentleman. You were well brought up.

And I know I chickened out on buying you a drink, even though I said I would. I'll make it up to you some other way. There was just no way I could do it subtly, and I wasn't planning to shout everyone, although perhaps I should have. But you spent most of the night doing drinks anyway. *shrug* Like I said, I'll make it up to you somehow.

Is it the age? Is it the fact that we work together? Is it that I'm just not your type? Even though you acknowledged that I was gorgeous, even if only because there was no other way out of the trap that I set up for you?

We go outside of work and you still talk work with me. Even though you've already had quite a few beers under your belt. More than a few, in fact. Are you scared of me? Do you think that I would never be interested in you? Do you think that I'm beyond your league? (highly unlikely). Or is it again that the age thing, coupled with assumptions, and the whole work situation, makes you cancel out everything? Is it the fact that perhaps I'm too tied down to my family that you dislike the most?

..or maybe you really just aren't interested. And you just joke around because guys do things like that. Or maybe you're just really polite, the gentleman that you were that Saturday night, and that's it.

I'm just so confused over you. Your signals from what I've tried to flush out are all over the place. *shakes head*

so lost...

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 12:34 pm 0 comments

Readying Butterfly

Things to discuss/talk about on Wednesday:

1. What do you want from us?
- Well I want you in my life, even though I know that that sentence alone doesn't mean much. I know that you don't want us just to be friends.

2. Have you prepared yourself in any way for this to all fall apart?
- I will accept anything that you decide. I just want you to be happy. Truly happy. And if that means we can't be friends, then I'll do it because I hate what I've put you through.

3. Do you actually care that I'm keeping my options open, or that I may in fact be interested in the likes of my work colleagues?
- I have no say in who you like. This is the reality, be it technically or just in general. I can't make you do something you don't want to do.

4. But aren't you jealous, not even a little?
- I have no right to be.

5. Is it even possible for us to ever be more than friends?
- I don't think that we can be more, as much as I'd like to be more. All we seem to do is kill each other, even when we're not trying to. We're just too different. We go about things in different ways. You want to constantly deconstruct everything and analyse it to pieces. I already told you the other night why I can't do that. I can't go back there. We're just too fundamentally different. It's not that maybe we can't be together, it's just that it's a lot of hard work. And maybe I don't want this enough to try so hard. There's something inside that just can't do it. And I can't explain why.

6. Is it that you're terrified that I'm going to break you?

7. How do you define caring about me anyway?
- I care about you A LOT. I just want you to be happy, and I spend so long just hoping and worrying that you will be ok. Because I don't want to hurt you again. I don't want to be responsible for ruining you anymore than I already have.

8. What is it about me that stops you?
- It's not you, it's me. I hate to use those words, but in this case, it's true. Trust me, if I could tell you what it is that's stopping me, we wouldn't be in this situation. You're smart, beautiful, funny, there's nothing there that any guy wouldn't say yes to. I just can't explain it, why I can't commit the way you want me to.

9. Is it that all your previous ex's hurt you so badly that you're scared of getting hurt?

10. Do you feel that perhaps if we were serious about being together, that it would have to be extra serious? So serious in fact, that you aren't 100% sure you're ready for it?

11. Is it just that you honestly enjoy the single life these days?

12. Is it that you worry that if we do this, you will find a way to stuff it up unintentionally and you will never forgive yourself for it?

~~~

Sometimes I just think that I don't need you in order to survive. I really don't. I think I got over that a long time ago. Maybe the truth of it is, I don't understand where you are at. Maybe it's just that I've forgotten all about you. And in my earlier wallowing, it's just easier to return to the nest and relive feelings that I used to feel, the antagonism that I used to harbour against you is so close at hand to use. Maybe that's all it is. I don't know.

I think, perhaps it's time to let you go. Honestly, right now I don't really need to talk to you. It doesn't really bother me whether you speak to me on Wednesday or not. It really doesn't. Although you sounded so desperate and vulnerable. But I guarantee that you wont be like that when I talk to you on Wednesday.

It's just, sometimes I wonder if the feelings I swear black and blue I feel for you are in fact true. How much of it is self-manifested? How much of it is me going, 'this is the way I should be feeling about you'? How much of it is emotion, and how much is it my head playing games with my heart? How much of it is ego? My pride that, 'how dare you turn me down? When I am so much better than you in all number of ways?'

I shall ponder on this and come back to the question. After all, we will not be around each other (his request) until Wednesday. He wants space and time to cool down. Honestly, I don't. Or at the very least, not today. I had a really good day. Followed by a very entertaining trip home. I wish I could talk to you about it, if only to get your perspective on what a guy means when he says certain things to you. But maybe I should keep that to another post. I'm sure it's confusing enough right now, having two parallel stories running on the same blog. Hard to keep track of which is which... especially with my vague namings... all, 'him, he, you, it...'

*wanders off to do other things*

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 9:13 pm 0 comments

Predictive Butterfly

Well if I was under any illusions, this will definately put me in the clear:

Guide yourself carefully this week. So much can go right; so much can go wrong. It's all a question of how you work out each step. One perspective is to say that the cosmos is it's building toward a power struggle or confrontation that leaves you feeling weak or injured. Another view is that there will be a breakthrough in a relationship, beginning with a personal insight into the way you view both yourself and the relationship. For too long you have heard everything as a personal message that there's something inherently wrong with you. Let that go; it blinds you to a much greater reality.

Yeh whatever.

How's that for a prediction for the week?

bah....

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 9:10 am 0 comments

Moping Butterfly

I am a stupid fool. A stupid stupid fool. I have effectively lost you. But to be honest, I really was sick of this. ..wasn't I?

I've effectively forced his hand when I said I wasn't going to.

He bitterly told me that I had made it abundantly clear that I didn't want to just be friends with him. I remember that conversation. Where he read between the lines and said to me, so you don't think I'm worth just being friends with. I never answered.

He wants a few days to cool down and then for us to talk on Wednesday.

I just feel stupid now. Making a big deal out of all of this. His anger just hems in my feelings though. Should we ever get together, well, I can imagine that he will never let me argue with him. And I can't do that.

I just wish I hadn't blown it all out of the water, and just sat there and waited for him to take out his cards, one by one by one. Why did it all have to backfire on me? Why did I automatically assume that he didn't care and tell him off for it? When he was just prefacing everything to stop me from worrying? I've stuffed it now. Well and truly for good.

The only way out is to stop all of this. And I can't bring myself to do that either without falling apart onto my knees. I just don't get it. I just spent the last hour or so photoblogging my little heart out, and coming back to this, while feeling a little more cleansed, is not enough.

I just....

I do want this, and I don't want this. In the midst of all this self-induced angst and misery I forgot that he's trying to come to terms with being everything that I want him to be. What does all this achieve? I want the vulnerable one just as much as the strong one. But to be honest, most likely I will lose both come Wednesday. But see, if I harden my heart, I'm twice as likely to be screwed.

If he hadn't rung back tonight I would've just left. I was halfway through preparing to leave a message on his phone to tell him to ring me back, and that if he chose not to, then I would take it that he didn't want this, and we would be through. Because I just felt so stupid. But I don't want to unveil all my actions either.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I've tried everything. And as he pointed out, even when we don't try, we kill each other. We won't work as a couple. I know it. But there's just no room for him to budge either.

I'm on such a tether. Tightstrung, remorseful yet stubborn. What do I want? I don't know. Will it help to know where he stands currently? I don't know. Will it help? Probably not. All I want to do right now is tell him about last night. I want to share it with him. I want to tell him how cool it was go out to the Opera last night, and I wanted to revel a little in the sophistication of it all. And how strange it was to feel like I was on a date for half the time, and so not on the other side. I wanted to deconstruct it before his little greedy blue eyes and let him know what I was going through. I wanted to share. But I stuffed it up. And now I'm just sitting here berating myself. Because that's what I do.

I'm a royal screwed up person who just likes to put herself through bouts of angst over and over again. I can't just be patient and shut up and let things lie, can I?

Despite everything I think I still harbour hurt and anger towards him. I must. I hate that he still doesn't think I'm worth enough. And I hate that he makes me wait. And I hate myself for being so desperate. And I hate that he has rejected me and perhaps he has cut me more deeply than I ever believed. If only in terms of my ego. But of course, my ego is all encompassing, so I'm basically screwed.'

Y'know, it's funny how I try and sort things out these days. Photoblogging is like purging. While these days writing things out only gets me so far. It seems like I have to do a combination of the two in order to survive. I don't want family dealing with me getting back into a relationship though. It's just too complicated and complex.

I just...

I don't want to talk about it with him anymore. I don't want to know. I just want to pretend that it's all over. I just want to play the game. I just want to sit down and relive last night with him. THat's all. And perhaps nudge some feelings inside him to make him wish that it was him last night instead of my work colleague. That's all. No more.

But I stuffed up.

I'm such an idiot.

What did I think I was achieving by arguing and chucking a tantrum at him anyway???

Idiot.

Do you hate me? Because sometimes I hate myself for what I put myself and you through. Messing with your head in a way that only I can. It seems to be my special ability.

You tell me that you don't hate me, but I don't believe it.

I just don't want to talk about it anymore. Do you know that I cried in the toilets for over ten minutes last week when you turned me down and didn't even apologise?

I just don't want to talk about it anymore. If only I had more photos to post up. I just feel like going into a zone and purging it all out in a bout of creative hissy fitting.

gahhhhhhhh...

Right now I don't even feel like going out to lunch tomorrow. All I want to do is just sit on that verandah and mope.

Mope, mope, mope.

No, actually, upon second thoughts all I want to do is just curl up into a little ball and cry. Cry my little heart out. Cry and cry and cry over my stupidity. What ties me to you anyway?

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 11:05 pm 0 comments

Screwed Butterfly

I screwed up.

Idiot that I am.

I think too much and I screwed up.

I believed my mantra that he didn't care about me and automatically assumed that he wasn't really interested in my attempts to see if there were other relationships going on. I ignored the idea that perhaps he was 100% genuine in helping me because he loved me, because I'm terrified of getting hurt.

I started building a wall, and in doing so, cut him out. And now I have to face the consequences. Except that perhaps I was never ready to face the consequences. Maybe all I was doing was out of spite.

I screwed up.

And now I have to live with regretting it.

I didn't want to push, but now I have.

I'm not even sick of the situation anymore.

I just...

I screwed up.

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 9:20 pm 0 comments

Mixed Butterfly

How to put it tonight? I feel strangely mixed about everything. If there is one thing that I have always noticed with him is that I am always comfortable with him. There are pretences that I do not have to show when I am around him. There are things that I don't necessarily have to explain, or perhaps there are just moments when I can let go a little and be myself. I don't know how to explain what we are. I guess you could say that we are friends. When honestly we just work together. You are my senior. And as you pointed out to me the other night, I am the youngest in the group. While you are, as I discovered tonight, 34.

What interest would you ever have in me? What would we ever have in common? There are no defining moments. I am certain that you have had better relationships with people, and that you get along ten times better with much of the group than me. We just seem to have this unspoken repartee, that perhaps is the same for everyone. i.e. the repartee that we have, you have with everyone. Maybe what it is you do, is what I constantly strive to do with other people. You are 34. I was a little shocked by that this evening. I guess I always remembered that you were 30 or something. Although when you sit down and think about it, yes, it is a 12 year difference.

I know there is nothing there between us. I know that tonight. Yet you treated me to a night out. I didn't pay a single dime. You were gentlemanly and entertaining. And I feel a twinge that I accidently left the flyer for the Opera that we saw tonight in your car.

There are most likely no things left unspoken between us. We seem to fall into easy silence. Or maybe it's just me. After all, everyone is different. No person is alike, and each individual has their own thoughts and feelings. Therefore, I don't really know what it is going on inside your head. And I'm starting to believe that perhaps I play hard to get more naturally than I know. I never seem to show the people that I'm curious about where I stand, instead pursuing a fairly neutral 'friend' position, where it's up to you to make the move. Because I don't think I will make it.

Do you feel a slight change in the air? I thought perhaps you did, and I wondered a few times when I walked ahead, or when I looked elsewhere if you looked askance at me. What is it that you truly think about me? Do you think that I'm a wonderful analyst like most of the people seem to have deluded themselves into thinking?

Perhaps you were after something more tonight, but discovered that there was no chemistry between us? Chemistry is a funny thing. And while I admit that lately it seems like I strike all that come within contact, I have had a few misses. And if that's the case between the two of us, well I can't help but feel a little disappointed. Big egos, and all that.

But honestly, do you in fact feel anything at all? Did I make an impact on you? What do you think of me? The fact that I shared champagne with you, the fact that I sipped out of your glass during dinner, albeit on your urging; the two times that you put your hand on my back to guide me - once to get out of a car's way, and once in jest over a verbal joke. What am I to you? A protege of sorts? Someone to watch over? Someone who you can jest with, who can take a joke and will laugh at most of yours? Someone who is just fun to spend time with? I overheard a conversation you had once where you commented that you wanted someone close to your age. Younger, most likely late 20s. That means I'm out.

Maybe it's just that I don't have control over you, and I don't know what I did wrong. Maybe it's just that I don't know what it is I need to do in order to have you. Because I'm a big spoilt girl who wants every man twisted around her little finger. Someone who just wants people to be infatuated with them. And when it comes to things like chemistry, well, there's nothing you can really do about it. Either you click, or you don't. And with you, it's sometimes quite hard to define what in fact we are. Work colleagues - definately. Friends? Perhaps. A half father figure? Maybe. An older brotherly figure. Possible. We've known each other for two years and things never got anywhere. You were always just someone I could joke around with. A person that I could banter with.

But since I got back, well, things have sort've shifted. Maybe it's because I'm free again and I don't have to dismiss all males who come within my vicinity. Maybe it's because I am more willing to say yes to company functions. And in doing so, I become more involved in the group, so obviously you will get to know me more/better than you used to when I only came in 1, 2, 3 days a week.

I've seen you dismiss me out of hand, and I've also seen the threads you have with the other people in the company. So perhaps you are simply a social person. A friendly, social person.

To be honest, if you ask me where I stand on all this, I don't really know. I dislike the idea of having to put you through emotional turmoil if you ask me to progress. But of course, common sense also decrees that you should never have relationships (of that nature) with your work mates. It's just a bad idea. Different department, sure. Same company, go ahead. Desk neighbours? Forget about it.

I guess what I'm trying to get at tonight, is to sort out my feelings for you. You never said anything about me or my appearance, other than to comment that I had on a very pretty dress. And perhaps I did a faux pas earlier by talking about my "then" boyfriend, instead of my "ex". Perhaps I shouldn't have told that story at all. And who knows if you caught the 'then'. But you put your hand on my back after dinner, not before. But you also decided for us not to go to drinks after the Opera. And every time you treat me, you have an excuse.

You shouted me to the Opera to 'make up' for all the food you continually scab off me. You treat me to dinner tonight because my mother treated you to dinner the other night. Dinner cost over 100. I know the Opera tickets cost close to 100 each. Tonight was expensive...

I know I shouldn't make much of the physical contact. Or the drinking. I wonder though if you were surprised that I drank - even a little. I know that sharing drinks is no major thing for you. I also know that I was fairly passive tonight. But it was a strange passivity. Everything seemed to work ok. Like clockwork in some sense. It didn't really bother me that you weren't dressed to the nines. It didn't faze me that you didn't offer me a jacket when I was shivering (most likely because for the short while that I was shivering, you were busy talking with someone else). I didn't care that you wandered off to the bathroom and left me on my own. The way you told me left me quite comfortable to wait. And of course, you come back finding me finishing putting my phone away. Perhaps you think that I am tied too closely to my mother's apron strings? Or maybe you feel that I am too young?

Everything tonight just seemed so natural. It all seemed to flow quite nicely. Despite you crashing into an old family friend. I noticed that you only introduced me by name, and never said anything else. Do you know that I'm scared to make the first move? Do you know why I am probably more forward with the other people than you? And why I organised a small lunch but didn't invite you? Because you are senior to me. I don't feel like I have any jurisdiction over you. Do you see yourself above me too? Do you sense that imaginary hierarchy?

Did you notice that I was fairly quiet while you chatted happily with your family friend. I was the epitome of a shy girl standing by your side. Do you notice sometimes as I walk that I accidently bump into you? Because that's what happens when you walk with people and you turn towards them.

Do you have recollections of me awkwardly hugging you goodbye on the dance floor that evening at the Christmas party? And how I wanted to give you a full body hug, but of course everyone here goes for the kiss on the cheek first. And I scrambled away embarressed because when you went for the kiss, I went for the hug. And when you realised I was going for the hug, I had moved slightly away to go for the kiss. And then I just fled. Of course you were also most likely on a fair buzz. I overheard others commenting that you were drunk that evening. I'm never a good spotter of drunks. Especially of people I know. I know that I'm most likely too naieve and innocent for words.

I know that I move in different circles to you and your friends. I also noticed for once that you let me go first in just about all of the doorways, and that you muttered that you felt quite underdressed in comparison to my long black dress. And I tried my best to be elegant. Perhaps you felt awkward around me. Perhaps I awakened something in you? Or perhaps I am just doing wishful thinking, because my ego demands that all males must fawn at my feet and feed me grapes and fan me.

It was just strange to see how elements of a date emerged from tonight. Maybe all those elements were, were simply gentlemanly behaviour. Because you did nothing untoward with me. Despite my mind straying a few times. In many ways, it was in fact quite platonic.

Perhaps it's simply that I've been dealing one-on-one with you for close to seven days straight, if not more. And you have been driving me home for three days in a row. Hell, you would have driven me to work this morning too if you had rung earlier.

You've been in my house, you've met my family. You've treated me to a night out. You've spent serious money on me. How do I read this? I haven't told anyone that we went out tonight. And by that I mean, I haven't told anyone at work. There are sometimes when I sense a distance between us. And there are times when I wonder if you are tolerating my company. But most of the time it seems comfortable. Maybe we are just alike in some ways that we deal with people with the same goal - to make them feel at ease. And insulting each other is a nice way to do this. Although of course, you let me get away with most of the barbs, as good gentleman should. Not that you don't get your own ribbing in every once in a while. Maybe I am one of the few who play up to your game, and am willing to be played in that sense.

Have you noticed that I smile at you more often these days? And we both automatically smiled at each other when I walked back into the office in my dress and hair all dolled up in curls.

What is it that you think of me I wonder? Not that I will ever ask. And most likely we will never breach the subject. I think I know already: that we are just good work mates. But it still surprises me though to have you take me out to dinner. Although of course, it's very ungentlemanly to ask a girl out to the Opera and expect her to pay for any of the evening. That's the sacrifice you make. And I know that you are a nice guy. And hopefully you know that I am a very sweet girl. Or maybe this is a quiet way of saying thank you. Or maybe your actions just go with the territory. Although I notice you trying to make connections with me.

Your offer to help me go through my photos to show your curator brother; your comment that you like some country music after I made deprecating comments about my texas-influenced music choices; and of course it's always nice to hear you make references to my cultural background. It puts me more at ease, which is strange to say, but true to form. And that comment the other day that you should sit down with my brother and make talk with him, was very sweet. Although I never acknowledged it.

I wonder sometimes if I'm a hard person to know. If perhaps my outside persona is so difficult to read. And whether I am in fact quite guarded about my personal life. I can be quite open - all you need to do is ask. But I will also just as likely be on the offensive, depending on my mood. Come to think of it, I wouldn't be suprised if I constantly was on the defensive. And it only takes one foul sweep to bring it all down. It seems like it was with the last one.

But of course, this is all just speculation on my part. Because I'm not going to do anything about you. Other than wonder of course. I just find it refreshing to see someone who appears to be 100% gentlemanly. I did nothing to you tonight. If I did let anything show, perhaps it may have been too subtle. I don't know. I wonder if you notice.

Our dynamics changed a long time ago. From the moment you got the managerial position and you gave me opportunities to do work, I automatically put down the extra respect. And even though you no longer hold that position, some of my respect is still there. Because you're still 'senior' analyst to my analyst. And then after I sent that missive about you being great and wonderful etc, perhaps things changed again. I'm not really sure. Although I do know that you fought for me - although it's hard to believe when you consider that the current boss has a sales background. And you should never believe anyone in sales...

I wonder if tonight will change anything between us. most likely not if I consider that technically thursday was a turning point too. yet friday we acted no different. and we won't see each other now anyway, until monday. to which point whatever perhaps could grow tonight will have time to die by monday.

Perhaps I should just notch up tonight to having a really good night out, and leave it at that. One exception to the rule. Because I doubt he'll ever spend $300 on me again :P One-offs are different to continual occurances. And he has his week off for annual leave after the 26. Maybe the week will cool things down. And I didn't exactly make any indications that I was really interested. After all, all I said was that I had a lovely time. And lots of thank yous, of course. But I didn't exactly go, 'we should do this again sometime' or something to that extent.

After all, I doubt very much that you have any true intentions or anything. I'm not really sure where you're at. And anyway, I'm not 100% sure anyway. So if you're looking for signals from me, most likely you won't find very many. Of course the other thing to consider is that he's friendly with everyone. I'm not the first of his work colleagues that he's met the parents of. One of the other girls that he got along with like a house on fire, he went with her and her mum to a concert and dinner also. So perhaps I am thinking too much.

Actually, maybe I will ask one day. I'm not suspicious or piqued enough to put him on the spot and jokingly ask him if he treats everyone that nicely. But I may well one day if this continues. I've already started the flirting, 'are you trying to get rid of me/I'm not bad company' lines. The little good it does me. Sometimes I think that my attempts at flirting are very pathetic.

*sigh*

I'm talking it over with a friend on msn right now. I think I'll stop this and just post it up for now and add to it later. I could go around in circles for hours on this one.

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 1:57 am 0 comments

Thinking Butterfly

I need to quit this stupid habit.

I just got a phone call. He rang to offer me a lift into work, and he said that I should have waited. Perfectly harmless call, but enough to send me into a spin.

Grrr....

Not Interested. He's NOT interested. Not interested. NOT interested.

and repeat.

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 11:54 am 0 comments

Cringeing Butterfly

So I've been thinking. The nice thing about astrology is that the forecasts are both vague and specific. Vague enough to be adaptable to any circumstance, yet specific enough to provide often useful/helpful advice for the situation at hand.

I've been rethinking this weekend's forecast, and it seems to me, perhaps what it's really saying is in relation to last night. And the thing that is really helpful is knowing that you care enough to make sure that I'm alright.

There's just one tiny catch. I'm going to work today (yep, last overtime weekend) and I suddenly felt right down foolish. Why did I have to go and open myself up to you like that? You don't need to know how I really think and feel about all my potentials. Hell, you're technically a potential yourself.

I just don't want to open up and be vulnerable to you anymore than I have to. And maybe I am starting to reassert myself again. Hopefully. I'd like to think that I'm starting to remember what I had told myself a week ago about refusing anything from you until you'd made up your mind.

See, as much as I'll have to remind myself this evening that my coworker is NOT interested in me, I also have to remind myself that YOU are not interested in me. And seriously, you're not. If you were, you wouldn't be hedging so long.

So let's just all forget about it and move on our lives.

If only that were as easy as it sounds. If I could just dole things out like that with the typing of a few sentences, I'd be the next Bill Gates.

See, I think part of the reason why I'm a little 'agggh' over telling you stuff last night, is that now you know the true status of things. And the whole point of telling you about him in the first place was that I wanted to see if I could push a few jealousy buttons. Which I managed to defuse last night, after commenting that I was pretty sure the Opera would be sung in English. To which you dismissed the entire thing as, "well then, it's not a date. If Opera's sung in English, it's not a date." Ok. Except now that as much as you've reassured me, you've also managed to reassure yourself that perhaps no one's really interested or wanting me.

You don't fight for me, not really. I know you're terrified or rejection, but honestly. Am I really that bad? And yet again I fluctuate.

*sigh*

Best to keep away. You told me to ring you today. I'm not going to I don't think. I didn't even mean to talk to you last night. I was in a mood last night.

Sometimes I think half the time I revel in this disastrous relationship only because I know that it will never be. And therefore, I can let go and scream and rage and cry and it won't matter. Because nothing I can do can sway you. And at the end of the day, I'm actually technically safe from ever being truly emotionally stripped and hurt. Because at the end of the day, essentially I'm always the one in control. I say when I can be emotional, and I can change the degree of intensity in my emotional outpouring. Does that even make sense? I'm using you to explore my emotional vulnerabilities. Because I know that no matter what I do, I won't ever have to face the day when my imaginings of a fantasy relationship will ever come into being. It's too much hard work. Too many expectations. Too many rooms for failure and so many ditches and things to fall into.

Better to be on my own, and sometimes use this quasi-safe relationship to experiment on what it would be *really* like.

As much as my coworker is willing to dismiss me as a potential relationship, you are TWICE as likely to do the same. In fact, between the two of you, you are most likely to stuff around and hurt me. Because unlike my coworker, things have been said between the two of us. Whereas, my work colleague - well, that's just all in my head.

Sometimes it just seems that knowing you is like a double-edged sword. Having a friend who will be there for me, and who cares about me. But also having someone who could be so much more if he really loved me enough.

And the other part of it is, well, so what if I spilled my guts out to you last night? And showed you the angsty relationship side of my persona? You don't really take it seriously. We all know that when we give people advice, we make judgements about that person. We just don't tell them, and we don't show them. Instead we lie, and say, 'of course, I understand, how dare he' and we pretend that whatever wavelength you are on, we are on too. And that nothing you say could ever be stupid or silly. Because we don't want to antagonise you anymore than you already are. So essentially I let myself be open to a plethora of issues last night. Some of which, in the light of an overcast humid day, I don't want to deal with.

Let's hope next time I go through one of those mini phases that I will be able to hold back and not tell you anything. I don't want to let you in. Because there's nothing more in this relationship. If only I could actually kick you out of my life. If only it were so easy...

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 10:49 am 0 comments

Campaigning Butterfly

All stairs, wet concrete and smooth based shoes should be banned. I have fallen twice today and my shins and knees are taking a beating....

Is this the universe doling out my karmic punishment? Can I ask for what? When you get punished you kinda want to know why - it helps with the reform process.

My weeks are still fairly social. Going to the Opera tomorrow night. Crashed into a friend this morning at the train station, so we're going to meet up for lunch next Tuesday. And I got asked to go to lunch today by last week's friend. Not to mention going out to drinks tonight to farewell a work colleague. It's nice to lay out all the social plans...

Meanwhile, my knees are still stinging off and on, reminding me that I shouldn't try so hard to colour coordinate. yeh, whatever.

Despite all these plans though, I'm a little disturbed by the forecast for this week/weekend:

There's undoubtedly something unfair and unjust about the situation you face. It needs to be campaigned against and complained about. Still, though, there's one surprisingly helpful side effect to this factor. If you can't already see it, it will make itself clear this weekend. You are entitled to draw benefit from this while you can.

... like ok then. Although what benefit I could draw from all of this is beyond me... To be honest if it's referring to the whole relationship thing, I've just about thrown my hands up in despair. I have no idea where we're going. One of the girls at work was saying yesterday how females like the brooding Heathcliffe types only if we believe that we can save them. But, if the brooding male is uncommital to us, that's when we hate them. I concur. Verily.

You're getting to that stage, and I know I can't save you, as much as I would like to. Depressing to know that somewhere in all of us, we just want to make a positive impact on a person, most often in the form of 'saving' someone. *quietly shakes head*

I know that our situation is unjust to me. But quite frankly, I'm sick of campaigning for my rights. We've gone down that road a dozen times or more, and it always gets us nowhere. It's just easier to be as I am. And as I am constantly reminded in the last week or so, being single isn't so bad. I don't have to feel guilty about saying yes to anyone. The freedom involved in doing what I please with whomever I please, whenever I please is in fact quite liberating. Although the associated guilt at times is a little disturbing. Guilt at perhaps leading certain people on. Although I know that it's all in my head. Because there probably isn't anything in any of the potentials that I see. It's all just me (as per usual).

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 10:16 am 1 comments

Perplexed Butterfly

Do you know what is ultimately strangely nice? Thinking about the possibility that someone is interested in you. Even though immediately following that thought is quick dismissal followed by your own laughter at the thought.

As if a grown man had any interest in you. Yes, so you can hold a decent conversation, and yes, you can joke around with him, but by no means can you truly be on equal standing, surely?

So rather than angst about whether you do or you do don't, it's often easier just to dismiss and move on. Play it safe and pretend that nothing's going on.

I was speaking to Him online yesterday, and I found it a little strange to find that I could talk to him about this current strange unfolding series of events. In my discussions with him, I also unearthed some interesting information. We went out on a book crawl a long, long time ago. And apparently even then he was teseting the waters to see if I was interested. What I find amusing though is that he couldn't read me. From the mouth of: "I give great relationship advice, and can read just about anyone," I was an enigma. He apparently walked away totally confused. Until of course my then boyfriend rang me up, and then it became abundantly clear to him.

What I also find interesting though is that he remembers exactly the moment when that happened, and even has vague recollections about the context of that phone conversation.

What I must realise though, is that even though that was the case, it doesn't really change anything. That was the thing that I discovered last night. That no matter how many lines we cross, how far we go, it doesn't change anything. No matter what we do, my status inevitably is still single in his eyes. What can I do with this knowledge?

He once pointed out that we constantly seem to hover between a friendship and a relationship. On one hand, we are simply friends. But, on the other, well, we've been there before, and we can quite easily fall back into the bf/gf category. But tell me, how can you hold a girl's hand, and not have that equate to something more? The physical tension at times can be so unbearable. And then we tense and bend. Sideways. And suddenly we're acting like a couple. Right now I can't even remember the justification for why I was going to hold back and refuse his advances.

I can't play this game, I don't know how. It's obvious that he's interested. But he does nothing about it. I can sit here and try to be patient. And I can sit here and try and average out my reactions. But it doesn't stop this situation from being confusing. And then when I sit here and try and sort out another potential, there he is giving me constructive advice (even though I asked for it). He shows no signs that he's upset that I've got other people, or that I may in fact be interestd in other people. See, if it was me, no matter the rationale - that I hadn't made up my mind, that we had agreed that we were essentially beholden to no one - I'd still be insanely jealous and possessive. Yet he makes no outward shows of this. And even though he has no right to cage me in, he still tells me that I have every right to spend his time.

How does that work then? I know that there is no magic soluation. That there will never be one but 'time.' I also know that there probably isn't anything in this relationship at all. Because every time he comments on how nice things are, I don't see it. The signals he gives out dictate how I act, think and feel. Yet so often I am never sure what is expected of me. I can't dismiss him, but I don't need to make him "numba wan" either.

I needed to know yesterday how much he had missed me. What I hadn't expeted though was for him to ask me the same question. Do you even have the right to ask? But I couldn't exactly say no. Because that would be the end of this. And while it is true that I miss you, I don't really have to, or am even required to to tell you my inner thoughts and feelings and that I do in fact miss you. Very much. Nothing in our agreement specifies that you need to know anything about me at all. If I was doing this the right way, you're basically on a "need to know" basis.

Gah....

..and tell me, what on earth does this mean??

Sport? Politics? Fashion? Gossip? Pick any topic, so long as it is shallow. Do try, though, to avoid questions that none of us can answer or facts that none of us wants to face. It would be very rude and anti-social to draw people's attention to those. We all like to talk about the need to recognise reality but reality, er... in reality, is something none of us really likes to look at. Fantasy is invariably preferable and the best pretence of all is the illusion that we are under no illusion! Something true and important is now being communicated. Listen, learn and be honest in your reply. It could yet change everything.

I give up..

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 9:09 am 0 comments

Sliding Butterfly

Never have I noticed how lost I am until things like today happen. I seem to notice lately that after everything happens I constantly want to sit down and try and take it all apart. And I'm so lost and confused in the process.

Where in fact, do we stand? Where exactly are we headed? What exactly is it that we are doing? How far have we gone? How far have we crossed the line? Have we in fact obliterated that line?

he came out to see me for lunch today. I ended up spending around 2-3 hours with him (I have flexible lunch hours - thank goodness). One hour was spent the eating, the other 1 1/2 was spent cuddling. I asked him at one stage whether he had missed me. Perhaps not the best way to ask. Perhaps there should have been a more insiduous or insinuative way. But ....

yeh.

I give up.

Maybe I'll ask next time I see him.

He admitted that the messages on Monday night were made out of simple hope that I would msg him.

Right now, it's like every time I want to analyse, all I get is blank. It's like my mind hits a blank white wall and slides right down it. Nothing registers. And I try desperately to hold on, to find a little nook or cranny for my fingers to take hold and hang on so I can examine the situation. But I can't anymore...

Is that good or bad?

i just realised i should also have asked if he was glad that he had come in to see me.

damn.

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 3:43 pm 0 comments

Upsetting Butterfly

10:33

Damn you and your stupid migraines. I don't care if they're true or not. I don't care if you're in so much pain that you can't walk. I'm furious, and half the time I can't explain why. Maybe it's just because even though I say I'm over you, every time you imply that you miss me, you stuff it up. And then I feel so stupid and god damn foolish.

I hate that I'm on this rollercoaster. I hate that you sneak up behind me and then make me feel absolutely wretched. And because of the situation that we're in, you aren't required to tell me anything about how you feel about the situation, and I'm not really supposed to be upset with you. And I so am.

I want to cut you out of my life because all that seems to happen is that you promise me something, and then you cut it out. You dangle a little carrot in front of me, and then you take it away. Despite me attempting to ignore it.

We are so through.

I don't care that you tell me "to be fair, I had a raging migraine"

I DON'T CARE.

I honestly, do not care.

*kicks dirt in the ground and stomps foot*

I'm so tempted to spite you and just say that I don't want to see you tomorrow. I don't want to have lunch with you or anything. I don't want to see you. All you do is mess me around. There's nothing in this for me. It's all you.

You asked me yesterday if I would pick you if my Norweigen friend was in the country. I hedged that answer. What you don't realise is that if my Norweigen friend was here, he actually knows what he wants. You can't fight that. You can't beat that. I can't put my faith and trust into you because like today you hurt me. So why the hell should I hang around for something that's not guaranteed when I have something that's staring me in the face?

I don't want to talk to you anymore. I don't want to do anything. I just want to say no to you. I want you to feel the hurt and rejection that you constantly put me through. It's like I'm on one of those windmills and I keep on going around getting my head dunked in cold water. And before I can register anything I'm back up again.

Damn you, you didn't even apologise.

~*~*~*~*~

9:48



Seriously, I'm not supposed to be upset.
But I so am.

It's not even that I want to rage anymore. I'm just upset, and I want to curl into a little ball and die a quiet little death.

I just tried calling him and he's not answering. Bet he's still asleep.

I'm upset. Really I am. This week's stars said that I will come to a conclusion about something. Maybe my conclusion is that I need him out of my life for good.

I'm really, *really* upset.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

I'm upset again and that's not supposed to happen. I'm not supposed to get upset anymore. He only said "might" call, not "will" call.

I went to bed at 9 last night for crying out loud..

In some ways I just don't want to see him. He cancels Monday because he wants to play golf with his best friend. He might not make it today depending on whether he can wake up in time. Even though it's to come in and see me. And he says how he's really keen on seeing me. If he's like this now, I doubt things would improve any should things ever get further along...

He won't come today, I know it. But that's ok. Even though I'm dressed to the nines in his favourite boots.

Sometimes I wonder why I bother so much. Is my pride and ego such that I require to win so badly? I know I'm a sore loser, but still..

I never was that important to begin with. I doubt I will ever be that important to him.

I say this every week. After this week we move away again. This all seems like such a pointless exercise sometimes. To be honest, I wish i didn't have to see him at all. But i can't cancel either. What is it that ties me to this person? What is it that makes me constantly want to go back? I just don't get it.

I'm upset and I can't show it because there's no point showing you my anger and hurt.

You comment that I seem normal. Yes, only because I don't want to show you what i really feel inside. There's no point. there's nothing you can do about it. the only thing you can do about it you can't/won't do.

I want my clarity back, and I don't want to get upset over you anymore. You never show me your true colours. I have visions of us togethr and never a word being spoken about our feelings towards each other.

I don't even want to ask wanymore. There's no point. all it does is get me hurt and upset. What is wrong with me that i can't get an average male to commit to me? what is so wrong with me?

How many truths do we deny ourselves? how many feelings do we pretend not to possess? How many times do we negate our true selves, often time for mediocre or silly reasons?

Is that what I've done with you? Have I deluded myself into thinking/feeling like I don't want or need you in my life? Or are they the only moments of sanity that I possess?

I want my life back without it hingeing on you.

...don't I?

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 8:59 am 0 comments

Troubling Butterfly

I'm talking to you online. But I can't tell you the truth because it won't help the situation any. So I'm typing it out here.

I can tell you honestly that this situation sucks. That even though I have other guys interested in me, they won't work for various reasons. And in me telling you about it, part of it is in hope that you will twinges of jealousy and realise what you're missing out on. But I can't tell you that. I can't ask if you feel threatened by these guys. And you won't tell me. Your little sms smile only tells me that you are ok with it.

And as you point out that I seem pretty normal to you, what you don't realise is that it took me a long time to get here. But there's no point telling you that either. Because that will deflate everything that we've worked for up until now. The tenacious place that we are in now could all fall apart the minute I start getting upset and accusing you again. Do you see the double edged sword that I am walking upon? Do you see??

It hurts to me to know that you don't seem to care. Whether you do or not, you will never show it to me. ANd to be honest, no matter what I say about us being in a relationship, well, I wouldn't jump straight in anyway. I need to be 100% sure. And even though if I said yes, I would know that you were in fact 100%, I'd still be a little wary, and want to suss the situation out. Just because we tell each other how perfect we are for each other, it doesn't mean that is in fact the case. I have no clue how compatible we truly are. And as I kind've realised this afternoon, perhaps we might not be at all.

Which is why I questioned whether I really wanted to be in a committed relationship, which would be where we'd be heading if you said yes to me.

On top of that, I could relate to where you are. ANd I can understand if you feel like not committing. I am not the easy type. I know I am high maintenance. I would try to be easy, but last time that resulted in my heart getting broken by you. So I think I'll stick with my flaws.

I am constantly amazed at how many feelings I have to throw under the rug because of you. Right now all I want to do is rage and rage against you. I want to tell you that I want you to care. I want you to tell me that you are jealous of my other male interests, and that you wish you could keep me. I don't want your rational 'i'm not holding you to anything' crap. I don't need you to be the bigger person. I want to see the real you.

But we're talking online. And this conversation is wasted online. I see nothing. Everything is open to interpretation and misunderstanding.

I'm a little hurt ny you and very tempted to just leave and go offline (but I can't bring myself to).

And then you message me to tell me that you've been signed out by msn by your brother which means you won't be able to talk to me anymore.

I hate you.

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 8:40 pm 0 comments

Dishonest Butterfly

What is my true take on this situation anyway? Do I really know what I want?

What happens if/when he says to me, "I'd like for us to progress?' I have to cool this down. As racy as this morning was, it can't last. And in a way I don't want it to last.

Take it back a notch, and remain freidns. I can't think clearly right now, and that's not a good thing. If it's my sanity that's holding this together, then the minute my judgement gets clouded by these opiate clouds of desire, we're in big trouble.

I want this to work out properly, and in order to do that I need perspective.

It isn't enough that he's asking for me. I need to make him work for me, and I need to have made a deep impression. Enough like a drug to keep him here, but it can't be sex or insinuations of. That won't do at all. I need to be 100% sure that he is genuine. Knowing me though, if this works out I may still turn it around to prolong the purgatory.

I'm not 100% sure on how this is working out yet. I still need to give it time. I need to be sure. And I have to make sure that our conversations are not all insinuations and endearments. I've been given a seond chance in a sense to set/get this right. Gut instinct and not impulsive desires is what's needed to get through this. To just get on by.

Honestly though, be 100% honest with yourself. Do you really want a relationship? Or will the enticement of many events and activities combined with the knowledge that I can accept my offers without qualms and the ability to flirt with all and sundry prevent me from making a commitment with him?

Can I ask him to examine himself properly to be sure? If he asks or whatever, can I give him a raincheck? Am i allowed to ask him to wait? After all, if he did it to me, can't i do the same?

It's just that I'm just starting to settle down and enjoy the single life. Can I truly commit to him if he so asks?

Knowing that he won't and battering against the hardened impossibilities is one thing. Battering against a weakening wall is another.

What am I going to do with us? What's going to happen to us? I guess we remain unchanged. I don't ask for your time and you live your life. Until the day you truly come to me with no strings attached, pure want and need as opposed to will-weakening desire, I can't say yes. You basically have to give me all the right answers. And my luck can't be that good this month, can it?

February's coming up too. What happens then?

I honestly don't know if I'm ready for a relationship. I only just got out of a serious one. Am I truly ready for all of this?

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 3:08 pm 0 comments

Delerious Butterfly

Confusion reigns on a Monday morning. Mixed in with liberal doses of desire and sexual innuendo, I'm a bit lost this morning.

I was thinking on the train this morning that you could probably say that I am without much artifice. Especially when it comes to this sort've stuff. I'm still naieve enough to believe in trust, and I won't necessarily do things because it's what you'd like. At least I don't think so. My actions in the next week could prove me so very wrong.

I'm still wary that we're going a little too fast. And I don't want the ties that bind us to be purely sexual ones. Either way you will see me this week. And I think I need to draw some lines somewhere. What's that old phrase for reeling the fish in? Let them think they're getting away with the bait and then reel them in before they know what's hit them...

*Sigh*

You've thrown me a spare, and I don't really know where to go after this. I'm hoping that I still have iron control over this situation. It's something that I realised this morning. No matter what happens about whether you decide to be in or out, I still have some modicum of control. I don't have to say yes to everything you ask for. And as long as I can be distanced in some form, we are ok, if only because I'm holding onto the anchor line.

But see, my sense of proportion and propriety sort've leaves the building when you've befuddled my brain with langurous seductive thoughts and my stomach is filled with fluttering butterflies. One touch and I would probably be gone. Which, while good while it lasts, won't guarantee me anything other than guilt, further distrust and utter foolishness when morning comes.

In which case, perhaps this all isn't such a good idea. I don't want certain things taking over. I need to have that emotional anchorage. And as I warned you last night, you are starting to play with fire.

And if you so much as screw me over in both the literal and figurative sense combined, i will tear you from limb to limb and you will live to regret it for the rest. of. your. life. I can guarantee you that because this time around i will not hold my anger in check.

Be careful what you wish for.
You just might get it.

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 9:58 am 0 comments

Illusionary Butterfly

I just got off the phone with him.

What am I going to say if you ever ask why I don't go online so much anymore? I could lie and pretend everything's ok, by saying that work is tiring. Or I could tell a half-truth, and say that I wanted to give you time to sort things out, and that lately I don't really know what to say to you anymore. It's easier to let you run the conversation.

Sometimes I wonder if I've always had the wrong approach to love? That I should always try and keep the guy hanging and dangle and fish for the right people. Pretend to be unavailable, and then when they make an effort reward. But then disappear again. Is that the way it goes? Can't I ever just be upfront and tell you most straightforwardly how I think and feel? ..can't I? What's wrong with being upfront? Can't I tell you straight out that I miss you and that I'm dying inside when you insinuate that you're happy on your own?

Guess not.

I'm going slow this time around and playing by ear. I don't know if I'll ever get to that stage where I have to tell you that my feelings for you have died. I don't want to be at the stage where you declare your undying love, and I have to be the one that breaks it off. But I can't bring myself to either. I want to end this, whatever this is. I can start to rub you out of my life. I already have started rubbing you out of my life. I'm trying my damnedest to play hard-to-get. And I'm trying my damnedest to ignore you. As the mantra goes, if you're really interested, you will come.

He told me that it must be some comfort to know that he really wants to see me. I guess. I don't really know what to think, to be honest these days. All I know is that I can't put out anymore. Hopefully the time away has put some clarity into my thinking, and made me realise that perhaps I don't really need you in order to function and survive.

You're coming in this week for lunch with me, that's for certain. I just can't be bothered talking to you online anymore. There's really nothing to say. And to be honest, I do want you to genuinely miss me. I don't want you to take me for granted anymore, which is what I'm so afraid of. If you take me for granted you will hurt me. I'm sick of you saying no to me all the time. And I'm sick of telling you how I feel about this entire situation. I just don't want to talk about it anymore. I don't know how to play all the right cards, or make all the right moves. So i'm just going to leave it. Sleeping dogs lie, leave undisturbed the pile of decaying leaves. Every time I try to clean them up there's more of it. And when I stir the muddy pond, all it does is bring up sediment and make it hard to clarify. I'm trying my best to let the water settle, the time pass, and see how this goes. If you should so choose to stop and forget about this, I won't make a big deal out of it.

I'm trying to make you work for this. But most likely I'm still making it way too easy for you. And probably you're thick enough not to realise that I am in fact drifting away. At the end of the day should my prediction come true, I just want to slowly fade away into the background. You're not the type for regrets. I know that.

But I hope you realise one day what you have lost. I'm not fighting for you anymore. I've started to fight for me. And I hope you can tell the difference between me as a friend, and me as anything more/else. There are so many times when things you say and do hurt me. But I choose now not to make a big fuss of it.

Why? Because it doesn't change anything. You're still going to hum and ha over it all. And if that's the case, well, why bother going through the pain over and over again? I'm giving you free rein to chase after me. But I'm not keeping my hopes up. It seems I am good at the art of disillusion. I can make you think anything or feel anything other than the truth, or what I really want.

Sad. Ironic. Typical.

I mean, dare I say that I'm no longer interested?

To be honest, I don't really know what to do about you anymore. Yes, it is comforting to know that you really want to see me. But like I said, I no longer care so much anymore. In giving you and I space and time, I have discovered that I do not need you to survive and function, and perhaps my love for you really is in fact infautation.

I may at times be an open book, declaring my love, adultion and adoration but deep down there are still things to me that you may not know.

How do I make this work? How do I allow you in, while closing you off at the same time? How can you go into a relationship with no expectations?

Is it simply becuase you haven't seen or spoken to me in the last two weeks, is that what makes you miss the most? Or is it a deep seated feeling of love and desire?

Tell me, what am I going to do about you?

I'm starting to move on. Really, I am.

I don't know how to handle this correctly, and I really don't want you to get everything. I want some self-respect, I want you to work for me. But so often it doesn't seem so. Am I that materialistic and shallow, that I don't really know what it is I really need? And I that airheaded with romance that I don't recognise and appreciate love for what it really is and means?

It was sweet to hear you say that you wanted to seem longer than a lunch hour. The resigned conclusion that it just might have to be lunch made me smile.

We are complex creatures, yes we are. But that's what makes us so special. It's not good though to constantly have to remind myself every time you say or do something sweet, that "it doesn't mean anything." It sucks to have to devalue everything you say. Yet if I don't, well that will only make me feel ten times worse. To constantly hope and expect...

I wish I knew the right way to go about htis. Right now, it's sort've like you're the fall back. Something in the background for me to notice when I feel like it. After all, it's not like you're wanting something from me anyway. You're not about to go anywhere while you're still trying to figure us out. The only difference of course, is that i'm not longer waiting around. Well, not relaly anyway. It's like I am,but I'm not. I'm keeping my options open, let's just say.

I'll admit the phone call stirred me up. I can't ring you back up again, but I still want to talk to you.

go figure.

I'm all messed up.

You know what's worse? the absence doesn't make the friendship grow any stronger.

I want you to work for me, but to be honest, I can't make you do it. And if that's the case, well then, it sorta says something about where we're headed, doesn't it?

Come on, I won't even talk about this with you anymore. At least there are still things that remind you of me. Even if it is just Dory the fish...

=P

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 1:11 am 0 comments

Nonchalant Butterfly

Still bumping along. This week's forecast looks promising. Not for him especially, just for me in particular. I'm getting over this. *Crosses fingers*

Mercury and Venus are forming a close conjunction and creating an immensely auspicious atmosphere. Whilst you can't expect to end up getting everything you want, you can at least look forward to finding out what it is that you actually do want. You will also discover how your aspiration can be attained. It is as if you have been trying to solve some complex puzzle. You have been racking your brains for ages in an attempt to find the elusive answer, and have reached a conclusion that some very convoluted formula needs to be followed. Now, suddenly, you see it's simple and it's easy.

Working overtime today. Work's not panning out as bad as I had originally feared. Going out to dinner tonight with family, but in the city. So not so bad. Get to bed, wake up tomorrow and back here again.

I saw him online last night through my msn blocked partition. It makes me feel good inside to see him there not knowing where I am. Strange though, because a few months ago, seeing him there would've put me through immense agony. The only agony I feel these days is if he's *not* online. Because that might mean that he has a life, and may or may not be thinking/missing me. I have problems. I know =P I'm selfish. I know =P And just a tad obsessive =P I know.

But as I told my friend last night, I'm getting there. On the path to redemption. On the path to sanity. On the road back to normalcy (however normal I may in fact be). On the road back to being just emotionally stunted ol' me.

Hear me roar and shake the very foundations of your core. Because quite frankly, as I warned you once, the only way we can be friends is if I don't care about you. And I'm coming perilously close to getting there.

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 3:57 pm 0 comments

Giggly Butterfly

I've been in a fairly happy state for the last two days unable to muster up much angst or love.

I had lunch with my friend yesterday and really enjoyed myself. I can't put it down to whether it was the company or food in my stomach that made me happy, but either way, it was a good lunch =P

He msged me yesterday afternoon to ask to have lunch with me next week. THat will be interesting. I'm still trying to sort out the average emotional standing that must be mustered in order to have a relatively 'normal' relationship of any sort. We shall see.

Other than that, I've been hassling my co-workers with sugar-filled, chocolate enhanced and pistachio nut-influenced glee. i.e. I'm really sugared up and this time around I haven't even had any caffiene/coffee...

I've been laughing and giggling at just about everything, and that's fine by me. But not it seems, to my coworkers.

I have half an hour to go before it's 'Home Time'. I'm planning to leave at 5. Going out with a uni friend for dinner tonight. I will be a bundle of laughter and fun and incoherent inconsistencies. Yaay me!

I msged him today too to see if he had some time to come out this afternoon and have lunch with me, since my brain is mush, and I'd be easy fodder for low blow insults (i.e. great entertainment). He rang me (i know! rang!!) to ask if i was ok, and that he would speak to me sometime this weekend. He's got an interview lined up next week (hence the lunch meeting with me) that might potentially pan out to have him working here in the city. hrmm...

It is also close to 40 degrees outside of the regulated air conditioned offices that i work in monday to friday. this means that i'm not looking forward to commuting home this evening. if it's anything like yesterday, i will be a wilted lettuce leaf by the time 6pm rolls around. *shudder*

I dun wanna stay until 5.30. I might try and convince myself to being less constructive and conscientious and just leave at 5.

Yes.

*waves gleefully to the Internet world*

I'm hyped up and giggly!!! and I'm not even on caffiene!

Heeeeeee!!!!

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 4:41 pm 0 comments

Eventful Butterfly

you're not online tonight. Or maybe just not online yet. I want to talk to you. I have plans for the week. Your request about friday is filled up. But you are still welcome to spend it with me and my friend. You probably will turn it down though because you have never once said yes to having dinner with me and my friends. Even for my birthday party. Guess I should take the hint huh?

Lots of stuff happened today/this evening.

One of the guys at work is shouting me an opera ticket. I haven't figured out if he's just buying me the ticket, or if both of us are going together. I want to tell him.

I finally got myself a filing cabinet. we put it together tonight. My hands are sore. manually screwing those screws is hard work... or my hands are just too lily soft. =P

I'm going out to buy new shoes tomorrow so i'll be busy. and this weekend will be tied up with overtime. he'll be busy on saturday night with a family commitment. so at least i'll be safe to go online then.

i went out to lunch this afternoon and came across this book that was titled, 'how to deal with breakups'. it only cost $3. I sat there and read most of it and came away feeling a lot better. i would've bought the book except i didn't want the cashier judging me, and i would have no reason to explain why it was sitting on my bookshelf in the first place. although $3 is a good buy. if i wait long enough i might convince myself to buy the damn thing anyway. hide it in a bunch of semi-intelligent books or fantasy novels or something.

i crashed into the guy that i work with at the train station this afternoon. he commented that i looked upset or whatever, and it was a great way to keep people away from me on the platform. i don't know what to make of him to be honest. he's generally a nice guy. i wonder if it says anything when they continually steal food from you. and this whole opera deal... i'm assuming we're going together. he originally told me he was going into withdrawls after not going to them for like 4 years. and it's silly to shout me a ticket and not go. because that would mean i'd only have 1 ticket. you can't expect a guy to pay for you and a friend. so it's really strange. we'll be working together on the weekend. it will be interesting.

i'm having lunch with a friend tomorrow. so that will keep me occupied for a little while at least.

i wish you would contact me.

the book that i was reading this afternoon pointed out a lot of things that i have already thought about. and continuously told myself. so by the end of a horrid morning, i came back to work feeling fairly happy that i was on the right track to recovery.

the thing to remember is that if you want me, you will come. i won't need to do anything. just like that monday night when you missed me enough to request my presence online. and not once did you mention about you being bored. if anything the implication was that i was bored enough to come online and spend it with you. i wnat more of that.

the book also pointed out that even if i have contact with him, will it achieve anything? will he immediately break down and declare his undying love? if not, then what's the point of putting yourself through this limbo all over again? very valid point.

i ended up picking up an astrology forecast book for him today. yeh, i'm still raw because it was talking about him meeting new people at work, and falling for them around may. yeh, i don't need to read/hear about stuff like that.

i wish you would come online so i could be satisfied in knowing that you were online and didn't see me there. then i can go to sleep content. and i am tired.

*checks msn*

this is just depressing. everyone who was online has just disappeared.

gah.

it must be a slow internet day.

i hope you're thinking about me.

and i hope that i can get over all of this. to more eventful and exciting days so that i no longer have to think about you.

if you really want me, you will come.

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 10:53 pm 0 comments

Pretending Butterfly

...

today is not turning out to be a good day.

I'm not cut out for this place. Usually it's all good and fine. But today, I am yet again reminded that I should put up a bluff exterior and pretend that nothing can rock me. Because I am stupid and young and should stop feeling so vulnerable here.

I wish there were a set of guidelines you had to follow in order to go through life. This is how you act when people say this. This is where you stand, and this is what you do. I wish that I had a set of lines that I had to memorise, and that was it. If only life was like a movie. You would go through rehearsals. You could understand why people felt the way they did and that nothing was ever personal.

I wish that I could go through life knowing what was expected of me, and constantly do the right thing. Unfortunately for me, life isn't that way. It's unpredictable, full of ups and downs, miscommunications, and everything can at some level be construed as personal.

I just wish I could give out the right persona, the one that everyone wants and needs and likes, and leave it at that. I can't be myself anymore. Sometimes I wonder if in fact I ever knew who I really was anyway. The only person I can be myself with, well one of the few that I can, was you. And so often lately I notice I can't be myself with you either. The person that I pretend to be, in order to survive is the not the person I am.

I try so hard to pretend that nothing matters to me. I try so hard to laugh it all off. When inside I'm just hurting. Like a line from a movie, "i don't know when i can stop pretending".

where does the old me get off and the real me come onboard? the person that you want me to be, i can't be. all i want to do is rage against you. but i can't do that. because if i do that, i push you away. but if i don't pressurise all of this, i make it too complicated. i can't handle this for much longer. not in this volatile state that i'm in at present.

i know that in order for this to work out to whatever it is, i have to give some semblance of normalcy. i have to give you the overall average temperature of my sensibilities. so i try to hold back. i try to stay away when i'm angry and upset and hurt because it doesn't help the situation, and it won't change anything. if anything, it may make you more confused and convinced that this isn't working. but when i hold it all back, sometimes it's like trying to hold back the tide.

i want to sit down and talk to you today. i want to sit in front of you and try and tell you how i feel. even though i know that it won't help anything. even though that i know there are no conclusions. even though i know that you won't tell me anything that i don't already know, and even though after i walk away it will all be the same as before.

the best thing to do is move on. but the days come and go when i want to know. when i struggle, when i feel volatile and wish that you would show me more than you do. i know that this is difficult for you. i know that you don't like not knowing either. and i know that in order to get 'there' we have to go through 'here' first. but i can't help it. i can't help wanting to know. i hate being blocked out. and even though it's not really being blocked out, i no longer want to know. see the paradoxical liar that i am?

i don't want to hear that you don't want me. i know that means that i'm just in denial. but i've just had enough of you saying no to me. i'm trying hard to be the one that's hard to get. i'm trying hard to play the game. i'm trying hard to be everything that you want. but i can't do it.

i'm just me.

but i can't face up to failure yet. i don't want to be the living cliche of two ships passing in the night. where both parties want each other, but due to character flaws, personality clashes or simple bad circumstance, it doesn't work out. i don't want you to philosophise it out. i want feeling. i want emotion. i want chaos and love in tandem. i don't want you to sit back and rationalise and try and sort it all out.

i just want to sit and rage at you. rage and rage and rage...

the only contact i have with you these days is either through msn or sms. i've used up all my phone credits. and most likely the friday thing will fall through. and it will be close to two weeks since i saw you last. do you go through withdrawls? do i in fact matter to you?

i have to close myself off to you in order to survive, in order to not rage. i need to be handled with kid gloves, but i'm not. so that means that i have to pretend that i'm not as fragile as i really am. i have to pretend that i am strong. i have to pretend that nothing matters. and deep inside, it's killing me to have to pretend.

we so often waver on the precipice. we so often cling on desperately in hope of salvation. and call it an essential flaw of the mortal makeup, but i'm hoping that i don't fail. no matter what they say that failure is character building, i don't want to face it. i don't want to become a stronger person. i just want to be me, and to be loved and desired. maybe i am just a spoilt little girl asking for more candy because all i really want is that complacent 'semi-charmed life' and be done with it.

this pretending is killing me.

this illusion of insensitivity is wearing.

i'm going to break soon. and one day you may find yourself on the tail end of violence without a clue from where it came from.

i don't know what to do anymore - not that i ever knew what to do in the first place.

how to deal with all this, how to survive without falling apart, i will never know.

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 11:57 am 0 comments

Violent Butterfly

"How do you do it when I’m overwhelmed by a violet sky?"
Third Eye Blind ~ Good Man

I'm feeling a little volatile this morning. I was walking to work and I felt the sudden urge to hit something and be irrationally violent. I want you to know that I'm hurting here. That even though I say I am getting over you, and despite my trepidations and awareness that perhaps this is more of an obsession than a true desire to love you, I can't stand that you don't see that there is nothing wrong with our situation. Don't you see what is going on? Can't you see that what you think is alright, is in fact ridiculous?

Today's stars don't seem to help all that much either.

You don't need to do much. You just need to make sure that what you do do, you do cleverly. Or, to put it another way: to hit your target you really don't need a quiver full of arrows, you just need one, carefully aimed. It's only a lack of
confidence that makes you want to hedge your bets today. Yet you fully understand what's going on, and you ought not to waste time by doubting your own judgement. Pick the right moment, make the right move and you are guaranteed to get the right result.

Tell me, what the hell does that mean? Last night was painful to sit through. It only served to remind me -yet again- that maybe we don't have all that in common over all. yet, I still can't bring myself to force a talk on you. it just seems redundant, and the cycle relentless. the only thing that i can hope for is that you were sulking over my raving of other people. but more likely than not, you simply had a headache, one of your infamous migraines, and you're stressing over finding a job.

I've been listening to my Third Eye Blind cd, and I'm reminded of some lyrics that seem to give a very apt description of your current situation and your defence on all of this:

It’s not easy being me
When I can’t promise I will mend
Or bend when you believe

Third Eye Blind ~ Blinded

sometimes i wish i could remember that conversation we had about a month ago when i came down to your house and you told me that you were in fact wanting more. i need to hear that again. well, ok, i'd *like* to hear that again.

truth be told there are days when i don't know what it is i feel about you. everything is so vague. i'm technically single, and it's probably better that i stay that way. for everyone's sake. i continually say to myself that i don't need closure on this thing because i don't want it to turn into a tragedy. one of those stories where both parties agree that they aren't good for each other and walk away feeling a lot better about their actions and no one's truly hurting. well i hurt so much for so long (even if some of it was self-induced) that i don't want you to not hurt. silly isn't it?

And every time that i stay away or hide online i feel petty. i know that my reasons are unjustified. i know that we agreed on stuff and that i shouldn't care. and that everything should pass by in a blur and i should just forget that we ever were anything else than what we in fact were. but truth be told, there are days when i just can't do it. and then i end up feeling volatile. i want to be there in person and yell and scream at your face, and hit you and make you feel what it is i'm feeling. because honestly, it's driving me insane. well, it is and it isn't. i'm tempermental, i know. but right now, i just feel like wanting to force you to face the reality. what the hell is this? why the hell are we here? i don't want to talk to you. and i both want and don't want you to know that you're losing me.

This is going to sound absolutely ridiculous, but if i am to believe my stupid forecast for the month, this is supposed to be a good month for all this stuff. and here you are wasting it. or am i being impatient again?

rgggggghhh...

just give me a vase or something to smash. then i can let loose all the dormant kenetic energy that is driving me slowly up the wall. and then i can return to my peaceful calm, zen-like exterior. well, not so much. like that ever happens. but at the very least i can stop feeling so volatile.

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 9:36 am 0 comments

Cheerless Butterfly

I'm dying to know
Do you do you like dreaming of things
So impossible
Or only the practical?"

Dashboard Confessional ~ So Impossible

I am watching your antics online safely behind a blocked msn partition. I spoke to you earlier in a panic attack that gmail had stolen my account and given it to someone else. But that was a moment of pure folly best left forgotten.

You seem a bit quiet and reserved tonight. I don't understand. I don't really know what to do with you. I want to talk to you in a way. I want you to make an effort to talk to me. I want you to be bursting at the seams in telling me things. But it doesn't seem that way. And for once, you're still online even after I leave. Or "leave" as it may seem.

Tell me, what is it about me that makes me so repugnant to you that I don't seem to interest you at all? You are like a little boy in a sandbox who picks up toys, studies them, then puts them aside again, preferring to build sandcastles or simply sit and contemplate the grains of sand. And I am just a passing whim, and mere fancy, a little toy.

*sigh*

Regardless of my true feelings, I can't help the ego and the pride. I want to shake you. I want to sit down with you and ask you to your face what it is about me that stops you from doing this? And you will in turn tell me that it's not me. It's you. And that you didn't know what it was that was stopping you when you know how great I am. And then you will proceed to say that if you knew what it was, this would all be so easy, and we wouldn't be in this quandry. And how you hate yourself for having to put me through this. See? I know your answers. I know them all. By rote.

*checks on msn again*

yup, you're still there.

*shakes head*

Well it's getting to midnight. I should get to bed. Another day tomorrow.

I just wish you missed me enough. I'm not going to ask you for some time. I hate being rebuffed by you. I detest it. It does nothing for me to face rejection from you. It is silly and pointless. So rather than go back and unblock you and demand an explanation (online - again, no less) I'll blog it out here instead. And hopefully it will be enough to keep me sane for another day.

So that's 2 days in a row that I've spoken to/had contact with him. How about I don't talk to him for the rest of the week? I've gone through all my dvds. I even sat down and watched Master and Commander tonight.

*sigh*

I'm going to bed. All this thinking......

...and you're still there...

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 11:48 pm 0 comments