Moping Butterfly
I am a stupid fool. A stupid stupid fool. I have effectively lost you. But to be honest, I really was sick of this. ..wasn't I?I've effectively forced his hand when I said I wasn't going to.
He bitterly told me that I had made it abundantly clear that I didn't want to just be friends with him. I remember that conversation. Where he read between the lines and said to me, so you don't think I'm worth just being friends with. I never answered.
He wants a few days to cool down and then for us to talk on Wednesday.
I just feel stupid now. Making a big deal out of all of this. His anger just hems in my feelings though. Should we ever get together, well, I can imagine that he will never let me argue with him. And I can't do that.
I just wish I hadn't blown it all out of the water, and just sat there and waited for him to take out his cards, one by one by one. Why did it all have to backfire on me? Why did I automatically assume that he didn't care and tell him off for it? When he was just prefacing everything to stop me from worrying? I've stuffed it now. Well and truly for good.
The only way out is to stop all of this. And I can't bring myself to do that either without falling apart onto my knees. I just don't get it. I just spent the last hour or so photoblogging my little heart out, and coming back to this, while feeling a little more cleansed, is not enough.
I just....
I do want this, and I don't want this. In the midst of all this self-induced angst and misery I forgot that he's trying to come to terms with being everything that I want him to be. What does all this achieve? I want the vulnerable one just as much as the strong one. But to be honest, most likely I will lose both come Wednesday. But see, if I harden my heart, I'm twice as likely to be screwed.
If he hadn't rung back tonight I would've just left. I was halfway through preparing to leave a message on his phone to tell him to ring me back, and that if he chose not to, then I would take it that he didn't want this, and we would be through. Because I just felt so stupid. But I don't want to unveil all my actions either.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I've tried everything. And as he pointed out, even when we don't try, we kill each other. We won't work as a couple. I know it. But there's just no room for him to budge either.
I'm on such a tether. Tightstrung, remorseful yet stubborn. What do I want? I don't know. Will it help to know where he stands currently? I don't know. Will it help? Probably not. All I want to do right now is tell him about last night. I want to share it with him. I want to tell him how cool it was go out to the Opera last night, and I wanted to revel a little in the sophistication of it all. And how strange it was to feel like I was on a date for half the time, and so not on the other side. I wanted to deconstruct it before his little greedy blue eyes and let him know what I was going through. I wanted to share. But I stuffed it up. And now I'm just sitting here berating myself. Because that's what I do.
I'm a royal screwed up person who just likes to put herself through bouts of angst over and over again. I can't just be patient and shut up and let things lie, can I?
Despite everything I think I still harbour hurt and anger towards him. I must. I hate that he still doesn't think I'm worth enough. And I hate that he makes me wait. And I hate myself for being so desperate. And I hate that he has rejected me and perhaps he has cut me more deeply than I ever believed. If only in terms of my ego. But of course, my ego is all encompassing, so I'm basically screwed.'
Y'know, it's funny how I try and sort things out these days. Photoblogging is like purging. While these days writing things out only gets me so far. It seems like I have to do a combination of the two in order to survive. I don't want family dealing with me getting back into a relationship though. It's just too complicated and complex.
I just...
I don't want to talk about it with him anymore. I don't want to know. I just want to pretend that it's all over. I just want to play the game. I just want to sit down and relive last night with him. THat's all. And perhaps nudge some feelings inside him to make him wish that it was him last night instead of my work colleague. That's all. No more.
But I stuffed up.
I'm such an idiot.
What did I think I was achieving by arguing and chucking a tantrum at him anyway???
Idiot.
Do you hate me? Because sometimes I hate myself for what I put myself and you through. Messing with your head in a way that only I can. It seems to be my special ability.
You tell me that you don't hate me, but I don't believe it.
I just don't want to talk about it anymore. Do you know that I cried in the toilets for over ten minutes last week when you turned me down and didn't even apologise?
I just don't want to talk about it anymore. If only I had more photos to post up. I just feel like going into a zone and purging it all out in a bout of creative hissy fitting.
gahhhhhhhh...
Right now I don't even feel like going out to lunch tomorrow. All I want to do is just sit on that verandah and mope.
Mope, mope, mope.
No, actually, upon second thoughts all I want to do is just curl up into a little ball and cry. Cry my little heart out. Cry and cry and cry over my stupidity. What ties me to you anyway?
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 11:05 pm
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